Where Do I Begin?

My brain is full.

I recently returned from attending the Declare Conference with my friends and collaborators Bonny and J.

So much was fresh in my mind at the end of the day Saturday, but on Sunday I had to deal with air travel and a layover that lasted longer than it should have. My attention was on travel rather than on what I’d learned at the conference. Then yesterday I represented my church at a half-day training workshop put on by the local chapter of the National Alliance on Mental Illness, specifically for members of the faith community.

Now I have two piles of notes, ideas, and resources to deal with—one pile from the conference and one from yesterday’s workshop. (You can see my actual piles in the images on this post.)

I need to sort through it all. I need to figure out what I need to act on soon. I want to identify which things I want to explore further. I have some resources and ideas that I want to pass on to others, and some that I want to be sure to save, even though I don’t expect to need them in the near future. In addition to my literal piles, I have a lot to process mentally as well.

As I looked at my two piles of notes and resources and considered the thinking I’ve done over the past week, the thought passed through my mind, I don’t know where to begin.

First Steps on the Journey to Work on Sex

When I began to work on my struggles with sex, I felt like I was facing piles of things to sort through, with occasional interruptions. In one pile were the experiences, thoughts, and behaviors that had developed throughout our marriage. In another pile was baggage that I’d brought into the marriage. The biggest pile consisted of my lifelong relationship with God, the times I had drawn close to Him as well as the times I’d pulled away.

Where do I begin? I wondered.

Sometimes it’s obvious what we need to address when we struggle with sex. For many of us, though, we may have several things going on. The piles are jumbled together. What pile do we start with first? And how do we figure out which things in that pile need our attention first?

Three things helped me as I took those very first steps on my journey to address sex.

1. Start with God.

I began my journey for pretty selfish reasons, but I quickly realized that my struggles were rooted in my relationship with God and my lack of understanding of His design for marriage. I also understood that God would be crucial to my growth.

It is always a good idea to start with God.

Read scripture. Pray. Go through a Bible study that can encourage you in something that contributed to one of your piles.

God will guide your path and show you where to walk. He has wisdom for you, even when you don’t understand. He will be with you.

Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path. Psalm 119:105

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:5

The steps of a man are established by the Lord, and He delights in his way. When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the One who holds his hand. Psalm 37:23-24 (NASB)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding . . . Proverbs 3:5

2. Seek help.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone.

Scripture tells us that our help comes from God:

My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 121:2

Sometimes that help comes in the form of others. When he faced the light of God, Paul was told very clearly what do: go to Damascus. Blinded by the light of the Lord, he required the assistance of others to do what God had told him.

I never shared what I was going through with anyone, and I often felt pretty alone in my struggles. I realize now that God sent me help in a form that I would more easily accept. I was a reader, and as I sought help in the form of material to read, He showed me what I needed to see. I spent time in marriage forums. I read blogs and articles. I know that those resources helped me identify what I needed to work on. They gave me ideas for my next steps.

I sought help, and God sent it to me.

If other forms of help would work better for you, then seek assistance there. Ask others to help you figure out your first steps. Ask those you trust to share their wisdom and instruct you in God’s truth.

Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed. Proverbs 15:22

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction. Proverbs 1:7

3. Do the work that presents itself—and wholeheartedly keep working at it.

The best place to start is often with whatever is right in front of you. For me, what seemed to present itself was my husband’s complaint that I was not engaged in our sexual encounters. I decided to just start with that as my first step.

As I continued on my journey, I stayed with the approach of just working on what seemed most immediate or obvious. I would work on it until it became easy and automatic. Then I would work with whatever presented itself next. I didn’t look ahead. I just did the thing right in front of me.

When God told Paul to go to Damascus, He made it clear that it was only after arriving in Damascus that Paul would learn what came next. With the help of his friends, Paul took that first step, and then the step after that. It took him three days, but with three days’ worth of steps, he completed his first step. Then he did what was next.

We can learn much from the ant. It does the work that presents itself in whatever season it is in.

Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest. Proverbs 6:6-8

To begin your journey to work on sex, do the work that is called for during this season of your journey. As you learn and grow, you will find that new seasons of growth call for different work. Do what is needed during this season now. Concern yourself with what you need to do in other seasons later.

Just Do It

For years I had many reasons I didn’t want to work on sex. Some were valid and pointed to places where I needed healing. Other reasons were excuses.

It’s no fun facing a big pile of work to do. I have my piles from the past week in front of me, and I know that the only way to whittle those piles down is to dig in and actually do the work. Fortunately, I know that buried in those piles are wisdom, joy, and purpose for me—just as I found in the work I did on sex.

Where you begin doesn’t matter as much as that you do begin—and that you keep going.

Follow God. Heed the wisdom of others. Take one step after another.

You will make progress, whether you are taking small baby steps or are galloping along once you have some momentum going.

When you walk, your steps will not be hampered; when you run, you will not stumble. Proverbs 4:12

You will move forward on your journey, and you will likely encounter wisdom, joy, and purpose along your way.

Image credit | Chris Taylor