I said it a lot.
“Stop pressuring me!”
And if I wasn’t saying it, I was thinking it.
Under Pressure?
For years, I felt pressured every time Big Guy . . .
- Asked for something outside my sexual comfort zone.
- Complained about our sex life.
- Asked if I was done with my period.
- Told me he wanted me to have an orgasm.
- Asked if we could have sex.
- Continued to ask for sex or for a specific activity after I’d clearly said no.
Big Guy did pressure me at times (especially when it came to that last item on the list). Most of the time, though, that wasn’t what he was doing.
When I read emails from wives who share what their husbands have said, even though I can see that their husbands aren’t actually pressuring them, I often find myself having an empathetic response and want to tell the husbands, “Stop pressuring her!”
I thought I was feeling pressured a lot, although most of that pressure came from inside me as a build-up of emotions and anxiety.
My words “Stop pressuring me” weren’t nearly as much about my husband’s words or actions as I wanted to think.
“Stop pressuring me” actually meant a lot of other things:
- “That suggestion makes me feel uncomfortable.”
- “I’m already having a hard time being willing to have sex. I’ve spent all week trying to mentally prepare, but now you’re asking for it a day early. I feel like you’ve gone back on your word, but I know if I say no, you’re going to be angry and make me feel guilty.”
- “Every time you ask for something different, I feel like I’m not good enough as I am.”
- “You care more about sex than you do about me.”
- “Only one specific outcome (an orgasm for me) is acceptable. Anything else will leave me feeling like I’ve failed.”
- “I don’t know why I don’t want to have sex. Every time you ask or complain about our sex life, I feel like I’m defective.”
- “You seem more interested in my vagina than you do in my heart.”
- “I am hurt that you expect me to do what you want me to do but you never seem to see or care about any of my needs.”
- “I have nothing left to give. Can’t you fill me up with your love and care instead of thinking that your penis has to be involved?”
To be fair, sometimes “Stop pressuring me” really meant, “I know you’re right, but I’m not ready to change” or “I’m afraid that if I really try what you are saying, I will fail at it and you will leave me.”
At some point, I began to suspect that the pressure and guilt I was feeling were from God. He was trying to get my attention about the sinfulness of my selfish approach to intimacy. Before I took any steps on this journey of change, my words “Stop pressuring me” sometimes were directed toward God, not toward my husband. I didn’t handle the holy pressure of God’s conviction any better than I’d handled perceived or actual pressure from my husband.
When Words Make Things Worse
“Stop pressuring me” is rarely the right thing to say. And frankly, the tone with which we speak those words may not be too Christ-like, either.
An Unfair Accusation
If your husband is generally a good-willed husband who truly cares about you, chances are that he might not be pressuring you as much as you think. Initiating sex is not pressure. Asking you to try a new sex act or position is an honest expression of his desire, and his desire for you is not a bad thing. Telling you that he wants you to have an orgasm is because your sexual pleasure is emotionally fulfilling to him.
Much of the time, “stop pressuring me” is an unfair accusation. It places a barrier between you and your husband. While you may want a barrier to sex in that moment, it also places a barrier between you and your husband that interferes with oneness and connection beyond sex.
You already feel pressured and deprived of the intimacy that you want. The words “stop pressuring me” create an additional blockade in the path of intimacy.
Ineffective Words
Even when a husband really is putting pressure on his wife to do something, the words “stop pressuring me” aren’t likely to invite real change or growth. It’s similar to how telling someone to calm down not only doesn’t work, it usually makes the situation worse by adding to the inner turmoil already experienced by the recipient of those words. During those occasional times when my husband did pressure me, it was the result of his inner turmoil. My words did nothing to help resolve that.
Note: A husband who has a pattern of pressuring his wife in order to manipulate or control her or their sex life should be held accountable for the way he is destroying intimacy in their marriage. If he believes he is right in what he is doing (some church teaching about sex focuses primarily on husbands’ rights), he may even think he is providing spiritual leadership for his wife. The words “stop pressuring me” aren’t likely to have any impact. If this applies in your marriage, friends, please seek a Christian counselor who can help you communicate with your husband about the impact of his words and actions. Leadership is never supposed to be about the leader’s rights.
No Helpful Information
Unless you truly believe your husband is trying to manipulate and control you, telling him to stop pressuring you doesn’t give him anything to work with.
The words do communicate that you are feeling pressure, but unless he really is pressuring you, he may have no idea what you really mean or what he is doing that is wrong or that you’re responding to.
How can he change anything or support you in a different way if he doesn’t know what the problem really is? How can he know you and understand you if you resort to “stop pressuring me” rather than being authentic with him?
A Better Choice
If “stop pressuring me” is a common response when your husband tries to talk with you about sex, it’s time to try a different approach.
Consider what the scripture says to us about how to speak and how to handle our grievances.
Do to others as you would have them do to you. Luke 6:31
A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense. Proverbs 19:11
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19-20
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. Ephesians 4:15
With these scriptures in mind, consider the following process to learn to move past “stop pressuring me” toward something that will strengthen the intimacy in your marriage.
1. Stop saying, “Stop pressuring me.”
Learning a new way means that you have to unlearn the old way. I’m a big proponent of deep breaths. Develop the habit of taking a deep breath before you respond to your husband about anything sexual. A deep breath will help you think more clearly and will give you a chance to speak words that result from thought and intention, rather than from an automatic response.
Even a simple change from “stop pressuring me” to “I feel pressured” can shift the tone from accusation to effect. You may find, though, that taking a deep breath helps you think about what you really mean at that moment. It may help you say something that helps build intimacy. You might even realize that the best thing to say is nothing at all. A deep breath gives you a moment for a prayer, and you may even find the courage or the energy to respond positively to your husband’s request or concern.
2. Figure out what you’re really feeling.
What does “stop pressuring me” mean for you?
Spend time in prayer or with a journal trying to work through the feelings that you’ve been expressing as pressure. What can you understand about what you are experiencing in those moments?
Do you feel uncomfortable? Frustrated? Unvalued? Not enough? Worn out? Convicted?
Then dig a bit deeper, considering what you might be able to actually do about these feelings.
Here are some ideas:
- Choose to believe your husband when he says he wants to have sex because he wants to feel close to you.
- Look for ways to grow in finding your worth in Christ rather than in your husband’s words and actions.
- Pursue healing from past sexual trauma.
- Make lifestyle changes that give you more energy and space for passion. (See Gaye’s post about the Passion Project.)
- Do a devotional related to sexual interest. (Try Bonny’s Unlock Your Libido.)
- Join my Honeycomb & Spice community to connect with other wives who can encourage you as you address your struggles with sex.
3. Talk with your husband.
Find a time when you are both comfortable and calm to talk. If you’ve said “stop pressuring me” quite often, apologize for the words and for the implied accusation. If your tone was unkind or disrespectful, apologize for that, too. (I speak from experience when I say that this is both difficult and helpful.)
Share with your husband what you’re really feeling in those moments. If you really do feel pressured, what have you figured out about the real meaning of that pressure? What’s going on with you?
If your husband would be open to supporting you as you deal with the real issues, ask him for his help.
Consider these suggestions for him:
- Add non-sexual touch to your daily interactions.
- Work on the non-sexual intimacy in your marriage.
- Make phone calls to find a counselor for you or for the two of you together.
- Pray for you.
- Go through J. Parker’s Pillow Talk to help you learn to talk with each other about sex and to grow in intimacy.
❦ ❦ ❦
If you’re already struggling with sex, feeling pressured about it isn’t going to help you grow. And if any of your struggle is related to problems in your relationship, being accused of pressuring you isn’t likely to encourage your husband to make the necessary changes from his end, either.
If “stop pressuring me” has been your go-to response, it’s time to stop.
Try something better that can invite you both to greater joy and intimacy in your marriage.
I want to add a note to this post. I addressed it briefly in a response to a comment, but I think it’s important enough for me to say here, too, and to say a bit more.
Not-so-good-willed husbands sometimes do pressure wives for sexual activity that is degrading, uncomfortable, painful, or sinful. And their wives will rightly tell them, “Stop pressuring me.”
Women, if your husband truly is pressuring you to manipulate or control your sex life, then he is damaging the sexual intimacy in your marriage. This post is not intended for you.
On the other hand, if your husband is expressing a desire for sex, he is not pressuring you. If he is requesting new activity or positions (requesting occasionally, not requesting persistently with no regard for you, which is pressuring), your feeling of being pressured may not be an accurate reflection of what is going on.
This post is for women who respond with “Stop pressuring me” when their husbands try to initiate sex, express dissatisfaction with their sex life, or ask their wives what they’re doing to address their own struggles with sex. Obviously, asking about this constantly without listening to her responses or giving her a chance to think is putting pressure on her.
However, in a marriage of two generally good-willed spouses, initiating sex, expressing feelings about your sex life, and asking our spouses what they are doing to grow are reasonable things to do.
Finally, a note for men:
If your wife tells you to stop pressuring her, PLEASE do NOT send her the link to this post. Instead, read my post 11 Tips for Husbands.
Image credit | Engin_Akyurt at pixabay.com
I've moved! While you can peruse the archives here, I am no longer posting at The Forgiven Wife.
Please join me at Honeycomb & Spice.
Ladies, if you're interested in joining me for a study of Juli Slattery's new book God, Sex, and Your Marriage, time is running out! Our study begins with introductions on February 26, 2023, but the study will be open to join until March 5.
This is a really helpful post, Chris. Thank you for including me.
Not sure if I get your post. If a woman has given her husband a hard no why can’t she say she wants to stop feeling pressured. If she doesn’t want to participate in an activity that is potentially injurious or physically painful why are you making it about the woman? Or maybe her husband wants her to do some weird role playing she feels is degrading.
Maybe it isn’t the woman that needs to grow but the man. Being told no and accepting it is part of growth also. Actually it is part of being an adult.
Don’t shame women for feeling pressured and saying so especially if they are being asked to do something injurious or degrading. A woman doesn’t need to censor herself if that is how she feels. And just because another woman thinks these activities are okay, doesn’t mean another woman has to do them also.
No, I don’t think you do get my post. A wife can absolutely say no–and when he is pressuring her or trying to get her to do something that would be degrading or harmful, she absolutely should.
I do think it’s important for a woman to be clear about what she is feeling, and to communicate in words that will get her message across most effectively. Even when her husband is pressuring her, telling him to stop pressuring her may not be effective, sadly.
I’m not shaming women for feeling pressured or for saying no. Sometimes we feel pressured because our husbands are pressuring us, and these men really do need to do some work on themselves. That is why I include this paragraph:
Sometimes, however, “stop pressuring me” is an automatic reaction that doesn’t communicate what is really going on. That was the case for me. Digging into the “why” of my response was important in my own growth, not just in the arena of sex but in my faith walk as well.
As for why I’m making it about the woman? Well, it’s because women are my audience. Importantly, I write to women who are married to generally good-willed husbands. A woman who is married to a man who is trying to get his own sexual pleasure fulfilled at her expense is not going to benefit from reading my blog.
And here’s a note for the husbands who are reading this: If your wife tells you to stop pressuring her, and you’ve given her this post to try to convince her to stop, then you are the one who needs to make some changes.
Of course, as a man, I am not surprised that a woman would respond that it’s always the man’s fault for (fill in the blank) when it comes to sex. While I agree that if a husband pressures his wife into something truly degrading or sick, he is not loving his wife at all. BUT, it sure appears that it just the fact that he wants sex at all that bothers you women. I have been reading a lot of advice columns about this subject, and no matter how genteel the author, it’s really the man’s fault because he wants sex. So, I say this: marriage is a sexual contract. We do have responsibilities to our partners outside of sex, and we should absolutely adhere to them. But, marriage is a sexual contract nonetheless. If you’re a woman and don’t want sex, I suggest that you do not marry. Both Jesus and Paul extolled the virtues of singleness. If sex is so abhorrent an idea for you, stay single. There is no excuse for a man to cheat on his wife (and certainly vice versa!), but it does make me wonder why women who seem to hate sex so much, will get mad at their husbands for satiating their sexual appetites outside of the marriage. It’s cruel to promise to “have and to hold, love and cherish,” and yet refuse the single purpose of getting married in the first place.
Did you read the entire post? I make a point of saying that a husband’s sexual desire is not wrong and that his request to have sex is something that should be part of a marriage between two good-willed spouses.
When I talked about things that were painful or degrading I am speaking of things I have seen mentioned in Christian marriage blogs and comments.
One can clearly have an opinion about a specific activity without having to check their heart or being shamed as a gatekeeper.
There is plenty of information given to Christian women that they are just a tool with no regards to their physical or mental wellbeing. For instance women are told to perform oral sex on your blog when they are having mouth pain. They are even told to limit or modify basic activities like eating or talking. There is no message in that post that resting your jaw as long as you feel necessary is perfectly okay. Maybe even indefinitely if the pain doesn’t go away.
I’m not talking about women who will have only have sex in one position with the lights off. I’m talking about the message that no matter how much a wife does it never enough.
And honestly whenever we are talking about a certain sex act, many people will assume that is in reference to anal sex which can be injurious and painful. Ladies you can give a hard no to this one without having to justify your refusal.
I am sad to know that you think mine is one of the blogs telling women that they are only a sexual tool and that their own well-being doesn’t matter. That isn’t my heart at all. My blog is for women who want to address their own struggles with sex in their marriages to generally good-willed husbands. It isn’t for women whose husbands are abusive, controlling, manipulative, selfish, or in persistent and unrepentant sin against their wives. I have many posts that encourage women to know that they are enough and that sexual intimacy is just as much for them as for their husbands.
You mention my post of oral sex tips for women who are experiencing jaw pain. At no place do I say that women should do any of those things, nor do I say that women are obligated to give their husbands oral sex. I specifically use the word “can,” because the post is for women who want to be able to give their husbands oral sex. Several women asked me to write a post with some suggestions, so I did. Granted, I don’t make a point of saying that women can say no to oral sex. If they don’t want to say yes to it, that post isn’t for them. I should have included the suggestion to rest the jaw, and I will go add that in. It is an obvious suggestion that I’m a bit embarrassed that I neglected to include.
It is possible to look through my posts and find some that could come across as sending the message that women are sexual tools who must always be doing more for their husbands in bed. It’s equally possible to find posts that come across as giving women a pass for not enjoying sex more. Although these messages are not what I have intended, we all read through the lenses of our own experiences, frustrations, and fears. Neither of these extreme messages represents my heart or God’s intentions for our sex lives.
It sounds like you might have experienced feeling “not enough.” That’s wrong and I’m sorry you’ve dealt with that. But, maybe you haven’t and you are just looking out for those who have. If you are protecting those women, I applaud you for thinking of their pain.
Women absolutely have the right to say a hard no to any activity they feel degrading. But, it will be most beneficial if she can actually express to him why it is a hard no. As a young adolescent, my breast buds were fondled by a pedophile. I have asked my husband to never just grab my breasts because of this incident and he respects this. Should he have respected if I just told him I don’t like that? Yes. But, it was more powerful since I could tell him why I didn’t like it.
Chris is a champion for women. She believes in strong women. I think her audience is, oftentimes, strong women who for a long time have had hard hearts toward their husbands. Because if you know Chris’ backstory, you’ll know she was that strong woman. She still is massively strong, but she now has an empathetic heart for husbands who are in the same position as her husband was – a goodwilled husband who took no for an answer and was living in a state of rejection.
This is one of THE best posts I have ever read about feeling pressured about sex from your husband; the emotional identification, the scriptural way of communicating, the self-examination….wow.
This morning my husband and I got into a spat about this very thing (a repetitive cycle) and he is a loving, caring husband. The real struggle is my own emotions and beliefs, and the bitterness I can easily build up when I don’t examine myself and my real motivations for my responses. After reading this article this morning, I searched my heart and God allowed me to communicate with patience and gentleness, to request my needs, and to fulfill his. It turned my day around, and was super effective in helping me to take action to heal what could have turned into a wound in my relationship.
I’ll be recommending this to my coaching clients!!!
So glad it helped!
NO IS NO no matter the reason no mater how the husband feels about it and vise versa. Rape by coercion is RAPE no matter the reason.
That suggestion makes me feel uncomfortable = NO
“Every time you ask for something different, I feel like I’m not good enough as I am.”
“You care more about sex than you do about me.” You seem more interested in my vagina than you do in my heart
“I have nothing left to give. Can’t you fill me up with your love and care instead of thinking that your penis has to be involved?”
IF A MAN IS MAKING YOU FEEL LIKE THIS SOMETHING MUCH DEEPER IS WRONG!
“I don’t know why I don’t want to have sex. Every time you ask or complain about our sex life, I feel like I’m defective. sex drive dyeing is a sign that a woman has felt violated and can no longer make that connection with her spouse NOT THAT SHE IS DEFECTIVE in fact feeling defective or “broken” is a common feeling among women who have experienced rape by coercion.
“I am hurt that you expect me to do what you want me to do but you never seem to see or care about any of my needs.” also not right! being selfish
You are telling women if they feel these things to take a look at themselves WT*
No is no is no, and that’s it. When a husband pressures his wife for sex, it is coercion—and this blog post is not for these women.
I am suggesting that wives look toward themselves first because it is what I always suggest. When something feels off, a self check-in certainly doesn’t hurt anyone. (And by the way, it’s what I tell husbands when they say their wives are feeling pressured.) In a marriage with two spouses who are generally well-intentioned, I think looking at ourselves is usually the best first step. Looking at ourselves does not mean we are assuming the blame for a situation.
Looking at ourselves can help us identify what aspects of the situation are our own—and what are not. A woman who first looks to herself can better distinguish pressure from a normal expression of desire in her husband. In some situations, she may realize that what she perceived as her husband pressuring her wasn’t quite what she thought. In that case, this post suggests some things that can help her move forward. In other situations, looking at herself will help her confirm that he is indeed pressuring her—in which case this blog post doesn’t apply to her.
It’s important to note that if “stop pressuring me” isn’t getting through to her husband, no purpose is served by continuing to say those words; she’ll get nowhere. In this post, I suggest strategies for communicating with a husband about feeling pressured.
I get that a husband finds it ’emotionally fulfilling ‘ to see his wife orgasm. I understand that it turns him on to see her in the throws of passion, I really do. But, I have seen in another post of yours where you encourage women to apologise to him for not reaching orgasm. Every time I’ve thought of this since, I’ve had a hard time understanding why on earth when a woman is so frustrated and defeated by her inability to climax, you would expect her to apologise to HIM. Her orgasm is for her and any pleasure she gets should be enough for him. Orgasm for some women is very difficult and no matter how you try to explain this way of thinking, I’ll never see it from any other perspective. The pressure to orgasm is a sure way to ensure that she doesn’t. He should be satisfied with the pleasure she does experience, and he should believe that she does find it pleasurable.
Do you happen to recall what other post that is? I don’t think that I meant to apologize for not having an orgasm. Orgasm isn’t always easy for me, so it’s hard for me to imagine that I would have said that unless it was within a very specific context.
So true!
In reason 2 of the 4 Reasons Your Husband Desires Your Orgasm, you don’t actually mention the word ‘sorry’, but the reassurances you recommend, are suggestive of an apology. It is important to discuss it, I agree but I think there is always too much emphasis on how he feels about her lack of orgasm. I certainly felt the pressure after reading through this blog post again. How can a woman not feel pressure when she reads that her orgasm ‘taps into his sense of himself as a man?’ I know you state at the end of the post that her orgasm is about ‘us’, I just don’t get that impression from some of the responses from the husbands to your survey. How can it be about ‘us’ when he says ‘…my orgasm without hers leaves ME feeling incomplete…’ or ‘…it builds me up as a man..?’
If I thought that my husband felt like this when I don’t orgasm, then my main feeling would be one of inadequacy. All of the things mentioned in this post can be achieved without her having an orgasm. He can feel valued and significant, he can feel loved, trusted and accomplished all without her climax. He should be content with the pleasure he does give her, and as I’ve said, he should believe her when she tells him that he does give her pleasure.
Thanks for finding that bit. I don’t see reassurance as an apology, but I can appreciate that point of view. That post was written after several women had asked me why their husbands seemed so focused on their wife’s orgasm, so an emphasis on his feelings was the whole point.
I will rethink my wording about the us-vs.-we aspect of the post. For many men, it is about both–his sense of himself as a man AND a sense of being “us.” You’re right, though, that it isn’t clear.
Thank you for taking time to give me feedback.
I would like to point out to us all that we are not responsible for our husband’s feelings, and we don’t get to tell him how he should feel. I love my husband, and I want him to feel masculine, complete, and connected. But if my lack of orgasm causes him to not feel those things, those feelings are the result of his own insecurity and sense of self, not the result of my inadequacy. He can feel how he wants to feel, but if it affects how he treats me in response, that’s when it becomes a problem.