Let’s look at a scenario together:
Your husband keeps trying to fix your sex life. Maybe he puts the burden on your shoulders, saying that you should initiate more often or stop saying no. Or perhaps he takes it on himself, spending time learning techniques to help you have better orgasms and therefore (in his view) enjoy sex more. He sends you links to articles that explain why sex is important. He might even plan weekends away from everything so you can enjoy lots of sex.
Meanwhile, you’re sitting there thinking, Buddy, sex isn’t the problem in our marriage. The relationship is the problem. If you spent as much time and effort working on the relationship as you do trying to fix our sex life, our sex life wouldn’t be a problem at all.
Does this scenario resonate with you? It’s a pretty apt description of my marriage for many years—and based on what I’ve heard from many of you, it might be what you’re dealing with, too.
What I’d like to do today is unpack this a bit. First, I want to help you understand why he keeps trying to fix the sex in your marriage when it’s obvious that the relationship is the problem. Then I want to talk about some things you can do to address the situation.
Please note that this post is about husbands who are generally good guys and good-willed husbands. Many controlling and abusive husbands try to fix the sex in their marriage because it is another way to control their wives or because they think everything should be their way. I sometimes hear from wives who ask me for help trying to work on sex when it’s clear that the real problem is that their husband frequently berates or belittles her in front of the kids or because he expects her to respond to his apology for yelling at or hitting her with a desire to sexually connect with him. If that describes your marriage, sex definitely is not the problem in your marriage, and neither is your relationship. Your husband is the problem, and you need support from someone who understands that kind of situation.
Why He Tries to Fix the Sex
I want to start off by being clear about a couple assumptions that underlie much of what I’m about to say.
- Women tend to be better than men at understanding the complexities of relationship and at expressing and understanding emotions.
- Both men and women experience emotional connection most keenly at times when the hormone oxytocin is released. For men, this happens primarily during sexual intimacy and orgasm. It isn’t something they can choose to change. God designed men this way, just as He designed women to experience high levels of oxytocin in a larger variety of ways. (For a great explanation of men and oxytocin, see Why Sex? at Oysterbed7.)
Yes, these are generalizations. They don’t apply to all individuals or all marriages. However, I think there is enough truth to them they help give insight into what’s going on.
So let’s take a look at three reasons why your husband might be trying to fix the sex in your marriage when it’s obvious that the relationship is the problem.
#1 – It isn’t obvious to him.
Yes, it’s obvious to you. (See Assumption #1 above.) He doesn’t see all the things you do, nor does he see them in the same way you do. You may think it’s still obvious anyway. After all, you’ve expressed dissatisfaction about certain issues many times. How much more obvious can you be? He may understand that you are unhappy about those things—but that doesn’t necessarily mean that he understands that your dissatisfaction has anything to do with your relationship. He just thinks you’re complaining about something you don’t like. He isn’t able to connect the dots and see that these complaints affect your relationship, even though it’s pretty obvious to you and all your girlfriends.
#2 – Sex may be the only place he experiences the relationship problem (or where he experiences it most keenly).
Despite how it seems, it isn’t that all he cares about is sex. It’s that sex is the place where he is most likely to be aware of the connection—or disconnection—in your relationship. Assumption #2 above is behind this. He probably experiences the same relationship problems as you do in other areas—but sex is simply the one place where he is able to recognize the impact.
Also, when sex is infrequent, men often become more aware of the physical aspects of their sex drive than when sex is frequent and mutually fulfilling. Sex seems to be the problem because he is constantly aware of his desire for sexual connection.
#3 – He is a problem-solver.
As you may know from trying to share your day with your husband, only to have him turn around and tell you everything you should do about what you just said, many men like to fix things. They see a problem, and they want to make the problem go away.
Your husband may even be able to recognize that you have relationship problems beyond just sex, but the emotional complexities might be outside his wheelhouse. (See Assumption #1.) He doesn’t understand how all the relational pieces fit together, so he doesn’t clearly see where or how to fix anything.
Sex, however, is pretty simple in his mind. He IS able to see specific problems: She doesn’t initiate. She rebuffs his bids for sex. She doesn’t seem to enjoy sex. He is relieved to be able to identify concrete actions that can solve these problems: She can initiate. She can stop saying no. He can learn better techniques to help her orgasm (he thinks this is a solution because he hasn’t read What Does Her Orgasm Mean?).
He sees these actions and thinks they are solutions, because he sees the problem as specifically sexual rather than generally relational.
What You Can Do
If your husband is trying to fix the sex but you know the relationship is where the problem is, you might think the only path to inner peace is to leave the marriage altogether, or you may resign yourself to having this constant sexual conflict.
Fortunately, those aren’t the only options.
I’d like to suggest four things that can improve both your relationship and the sex in your marriage.
Recognize that you and your husband have the same goal: to improve your relationship.
Your husband wants you both to feel closer to each other. He may think the goal is to fix sex, but that’s because that is the place where he most clearly sees a problem and possible solutions. While he may be wrong, his heart is in the right place. He wants a better marriage, just as you do.
If it really were just about the sex, he would be content with masturbation in the shower. He isn’t just in search of more orgasms. He is in search of connection with you.
Reframing his “let’s fix sex” as “let’s grow closer to each other” can be a powerful perspective changer when your husband seems to be focused on fixing the sex in the marriage.
Be clear, and connect the dots for your husband.
Even when you are very clear about your needs, your husband still may not understand that these things have anything to do with how you view your relationship in general or specifically with your ability to open up sexually with him.
Be specific and concrete, too—not just “help around the house more” or “stop groping me.”
Say, “Sweep the kitchen floor every day without me having to ask.” Tell him that it isn’t just about the kitchen floor getting clean. It is also a tangible demonstration that he is your partner and that he cares about doing something simply because it is important to you. Then explain why these things help you feel valued and cared for and help nurture sparks of desire for him.
Or say, “Please help me make a mental transition to sex. Let me know ahead of time when you’re going to initiate, at least for a few months. And remember that non-physical affection every day speaks to my heart, whereas sexual groping turns me off.” If there is something he can do to help you make the mental transition to sex, tell him what that is.
It really would be wonderful if our husbands could read our minds, but they can’t. We need to make it easier for them to do the things that fill our love tanks and help us feel cared for and connected. Otherwise we end up with unmet needs and expectations and a husband who genuinely wants to do the right thing but doesn’t know what that is because we haven’t told him.
Expect to have a series of conversations about all this, not just a one-time chat.
Do your share of the work.
If your marriage has a relationship problem, do your part of the reparation effort. Make decisions that prioritize your marriage. Consider how you interact with your husband. Learn what helps him feel loved, and try to do that.
And yes, that includes working on sex. While you recognize that sex isn’t the problem in your marriage, that doesn’t mean that sex isn’t a problem. The fact remains that your husband experiences connection—or disconnection—most keenly in the bedroom, so working on sex is likely to help in some ways.
So do your own share of the work. See a doctor about physical difficulties you have with sex. Deal with your sexual baggage. Pursue healing for sexual trauma. Address the stuff that is more about you than about your husband or your relationship. It may be that stuff that you think is about your husband (like his expressed desire to have sex with the light on or to try new positions) is really more about you (such as your struggle with body image). If you feel unappreciated, make sure that you are finding your identity and worth in Christ and that you don’t have unfair expectations of your husband putting you on a pedestal. (Okay, maybe that one was just me.)
Have compassion for the fact that your husband is hurting from your relationship problems as much as you are, and work on sex even while you work on the other problems you see in your relationship. If nothing else, seeing you make an effort on your marriage may make him more open to working on the other problems.
Pray.
When your relationship is struggling, it’s easy to remember to pray about it—but make sure you are praying for your husband and for your marriage. My prayers were often asking God to change my husband, to end my suffering, or to help my husband understand something. When my prayers changed, I began to see some real growth in my marriage.
Earnestly pray FOR your husband—for his healing, for him to experience God’s presence, and to feel loved by you. Pray for God to show you how to love your husband better. Pray for your marriage relationship—to grow, to be centered around Jesus, and to show others how good a marriage can be.
In my marriage, my husband was so focused on sex as the problem in our marriage that it clouded his ability to see anything else. Then when I raised concerns about bigger relationship problems, he was inclined to see it as me coming up with excuses to avoid sex. And the more I pulled away sexually, the more he pulled away emotionally. It became an ever-worsening cycle.
When I worked on sex, it reduced a major source of tension in our marriage. My husband began to feel more settled sexually—and that made him better able to hear my words about my concerns about our relationship.
Working on what he perceived as the problem became a pathway toward working on what I could see was a problem. One person’s efforts can lead to dramatic change in a marriage.
I’d like to hear from you in the comments. If your husband was trying to fix sex when you knew that it was the relationship that was the problem, what did you do that led to positive change in your marriage?
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Chris,
Some husbands don’t want to be intimate in any other way, other than sexually.
I believe most husbands are very capable of understanding that there is more to a relationship than sex. How is it possible that they can be so completely clueless, that they can not understand the need for shared laughter, fun or a little adventure?
No, I believe they are not as clueless as you suggest they are.
Our sex life doesn’t need to be fixed. There would be plenty of sex if there was more emotional connection. Unfortunately, my husband prefers to just work and chill.
Having sex with a stranger is not my thing. I feel unknown and unheard . I’m tired of explaining this to him over and over again. He can not be that dense that he can’t understand something so basic, as to enjoy each other’s company.
It sounds like you have done what you should do, which is to try to communicate with your husband, and he has not paid attention. That doesn’t sound clueless; it sounds dismissive. Unfortunately, sometimes we say thing many times, over a period of years, and we get no where. I specified that this post is about generally good husbands who are good-willed men. A husband who dismisses his wife’s pleas for more connection may not be so good-willed.
Men aren’t clueless. Of course they understand there is more to a relationship than sex! But that doesn’t mean they necessarily see the ways the different aspects of a relationship fit together in a way that we do. I can’t tell you how many husbands have written to me to acknowledge various things their wives experience—”She has lots of stress at work.” “She has no time to herself.” “I lost my temper a lot.” “She’s always taking care of someone.” and “I spend too much time with my video games.” And they hen they ask me what any of that has to do with sex, because to them, those dots are in completely different areas so wouldn’t be connected to each other.
As I said in the post, I made some generalizations. What I said won’t apply in all marriages. Even when it’s clear the sex isn’t the problem in the marriage, we do well to work on any of our own sexual issues anyway in order to become a healthier and more whole version of ourselves. It is easier to make good decisions and address problems when we work from a place of maturity and wholeness.
From a reader who wishes to remain anonymous . . .
I’ve really struggled with this, too. Sex is now an issue for me (and mutually-agreed upon “off the table” for a time to allow for healing) after he confessed a long-ago porn problem, but that- combined with the issues cb mentions- made it incredibly difficult to feel connected. The hardest part was feeling like he was just dismissing me these past 19 years at an increasing rate every year.
After the porn confession, I insisted he pursue counseling to figure out if that was why he was so distant all these years, perhaps learning bad habits from that… after much research, talking with a few close friends, etc., we have discovered 7 months later that he has ADD! (Not the stereo-typical ADHD of crazy-impulsiveness, but an inability to make himself focus on people/things unless there is an adrenaline rush of sorts.) So many of the issues cb listed in further replies to this post lead me to think her hubs may have ADD (ADHD-inattentive) or a similar issue. During sex, during work, or even spending time with other people where he seems very congenial and kind, there is enough “attention-grabbing” in the situations that allows him to focus. When it is just us, the familiarity/comfort level doesn’t feed that need in him, and he physiologically cannot make himself focus on us, much less my emotional needs, which have been very clearly, concisely, and repeatedly stated over the years (including telling him for over a decade that I feel I am simply his prostitute with a side gig of maid and cook, and he feels it in the moment but was powerless to make adjustments for more than a few days.)
He’s working on finding medicine and then CBT to improve things. He is a “good-willed” guy who has behaved as an insensitive jerk for 19 years despite wanting to be better, and growing increasingly frustrated with himself not being able to. That frustration often manifested as irritation directed at me.
All this to say, if a husband seems like a nice guy but acts indifferently, callously, even angrily, it could be ADD/ADHD or another neurological cause. Now that I know my husband hasn’t treated me poorly intentionally/willfully all these years, I am able to work through things with him much more patiently, knowing he is trying to love me as best he can. I’m looking forward to the day that sex is no longer an obligation I perform to maintain/improve his mood. And no amount of frequent sex with him ever produced a return of emotional connectedness with me, but now we know why and that is helpful.
Side note- in books I am reading, I am learning that many couples with an ADHD partner have been vastly hurt by marriage counseling if the counselor does not know about or considered ADHD… the ADHD spouse can be so engaging and convincing (because s/he has misperceived his/her own behaviors, and because the energy of being in counseling gives a temporary “buzz”) that the counselor often tells the ADHD-partnered spouse that they are the problem.
I am not sure good willed is always a helpful term. One can be good willed in some ways and not be good willed in others.
I could pose a hypothetical scenario to my 18 year old son about tempers and video games and he would be able to acknowledge that those two things could have an adverse effect on a marriage. We have had talks with my son about balancing video games with the rest of life—most parents with sons that enjoy video games do. So I am not sure men aren’t able to connect the dots there.
If a woman is married to someone who has issues with his temper this will affect all areas of her and her children’s life. I grew up with people who had trouble controlling their temper at it affected all areas of my life—difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite and my mental health. I felt like I was shut down. I have someone in my family of origin who has issues with her temper and I am try to navigate through some difficult situations with her—-so difficult and draining.
I am not sure suggesting women become more whole or mature by having sex with someone who has poor emotional regulation. If anything it is profoundly draining.
I think the other problem here is that there are so many messages to women that their needs don’t matter. They are told to have sex when they are in pain, exhausted, or told to do things that are not edifying to them. If men are getting messages from others that their wives’ needs don’t matter—how will they ever be motivated to fix the relationship.
Interesting point about “good-willed.” I’ll try to think of some other ways to get at what I mean. I did try to refer specially to “good-willed husbands,” not good-willed men.
I try to send the message that both spouses’ needs matter. Wives should be taught that their needs matter as much as their husbands’ needs do. Both husbands and wives should be trying to meet each other’s needs. That’s why in this post I urge BOTH clear communication so the husband is working with accurate information about her needs AND working on her own issues as a way of meeting her husband’s needs. Frankly, though, the primary reason she should be working on herself is for her own sake. As a woman deals with her baggage, pain, and negative views, she becomes a healthier and more spiritually whole version of herself. She needs to do this for herself, regardless of whether she is married or what kind of man she is married to.
About men being able to connect the dots . . . I’ve heard from plenty of men who say they don’t see the same connections that their wives do.
I think the comment by cb is very good and probably extends to many other women as well.
I am curious what you think is good willed or not good willed?
With the temper example, yes the woman can work through the issues in her head—-but no real growth can occur until the man demonstrates a real effort at changing. I consider the man with the temper issue much more problematic than the guy is dismissive. I am unclear what you are saying though–do you think she needs to be having sex with someone with unresolved anger issues—-because I don’t think that is helpful to her. Women can expect to be treated with some minimal amount of dignity in the marriage and can say no until the man develops emotional regulation.
Life is too short to deal with angry people–women or men.
Mostly I would say that a good-willed husband is one who is genuinely trying to be a good husband. That might vary from one marriage to the next, but I suspect most wives would be able to know this about their own husbands.
As far as I’m concerned, a man with a temper issue is in unrepentant sin against his wife, and his wife isn’t going to find this post helpful.
I definitely am not saying this. First, a husband’s unresolved anger issues are not about the relationship, but about him. He is the only one who can do the work on that. Second, I don’t say she should be having sex. I say she should be working on sex, which means that if sex is difficult for her, she should actively address those difficulties. If she struggles with sex and there are things that are her responsibility to work on, she should do so. Her healing and wholeness are for her. In my case, the things that were mine to work included my sexual past and my self-centeredness. My efforts in those areas did benefit my marriage, but the benefits to me and my sense of peace and wholeness in God were much greater. Working on her own growth also puts her in a better position to be able to confront her husband’s poor treatment of her, if that is happening. For one thing, she will be able to more clearly see what issues are genuinely his and not hers, because she will have made progress on hers. Also, she will be addressing him from a place of strength and mental wellness, which will help her respond more effectively.
I agree that a woman should expect to be treated with dignity in her marriage.
My husband does not have anger issues but he is definitely passive/aggressive. He is also avoidant and emotionally detached.
I enjoy sex and want to have sex. But I will not force myself to have sex with my husband who only enjoys sex with me but no more.
If we do have sex, I’m the greatest person e-ver. Anything other than sex, not so much. I confess that our marriage has become profoundly boring and routine.
All his energy goes into his job (70+ hours/week).. He will jump through hoops for those working under him, making sure everyone gets their vacation time in whenever they want it.
And he’s fine with never taking his own earned vacation time…yes, you read that right. He allows 90% of his vacation time to expire every year.This is time we could be spending together and enjoying one another.
I suppose people may be thinking that I’m a bore or perhaps a PIA. At the risk of sounding like I’m all that and a bag of chips, I am petite and attractive, smart, witty and fun! I have many good friends. I just wanted to mention this should some be thinking that my husband has good reason to be detached and apathetic.
I can give no more. There would naturally be plenty of sex if we shared some non-sexual intimacy. Life together would certainly be more enjoyable and our marriage, fulfilling.
I’ve struggled with this because I am a Christian wife and sex was designed to be an important component in our marriage. If I force myself to have sex only to fulfill a ‘duty’, it is not right either and will only serve to deepen my resentment.
This is an extremely painful predicament to be in and I want to be clear that it isn’t always because the wife has issues that are causing the behavior in the husband.
We went to a Christian counselor for 3 years, but when my husband started missing appointments because he had ‘issues’ at work that he needed to attend to, this is when I decided it was time to stop therapy altogether. This was when our therapist realized that my husband had not been on board all along.
It sounds like your husband isn’t making much effort to be a good husband, and I don’t think this post is for you. Husbands are always responsible for their behavior, just as wives are responsible for theirs. Sometimes we can do things in a way that encourages change and growth in a spouse, but that isn’t always the case. I’m sorry that your husband’s priorities cause hurt and suffering for you. (((Hugs)))
“do you think she needs to be having sex with someone with unresolved anger issues”
Maybe. A lot of it depends on how those issues manifest themselves. Is he abusive? Then absolutely not. Otherwise, I would say that it is a definite maybe. Does she consider him to be emotionally unsafe because of his anger issues. Clearly he has an issue, but it may well be that she has one as well, and her past is dictating her response as much as her behavior. You are expecting emotional regulation from the man, but in many cases both have emotional regulation issues. It is just that his are more visible.
I’m not trying to say one way or the other here. I am simply playing devils advocate, if you will pardon the term.
I do take note when people talk about anger issues. I am something of an expert. I can tell you that the idea that someone can be coerced or cajoled into change is pretty misguided. I’m not saying that you can’t regulate your behavior, but dealing with a real anger issue goes far beyond that. The first step is realizing you have a problem, and sadly, that can be a very long drawn out process. It is incredibly easy to rationalize anger, and even justify it. You know that is true because you have done it. We all have. We are all secure in the knowledge that OUR anger is justified. We all tend to be just as secure in the knowledge that someone elses anger is a sign of poor self control. When you get right down to it, it is a question of whether or not we can empathize that determines if that other person is in the wrong. How many times have you heard, or maybe even said “he had every right to be angry” When we feel that way, then we don’t attribute it to emotional instability. It is all about circumstance.
To the angry person, it is always about circumstance. They are reacting to something in their circumstance, whether it be past, present, or future tense. Past or present hurt, or fear.
Or maybe he is just exhausted from building a higher and higher “pedestal”, being treated like a serf, put down in front of all creation, and NEVER getting any without bowing and scraping before “The Marriage God”.
I don’t think I have ever been asked what I wanted or needed in 35 years. But when I get “angry” that I am condemned to a sexless marriage, forever; or get accused of being “dismissive” because I refuse to build the pedestal any higher or play the “flaming hoops game” any more to get what is supposed to be agreed upon by BEING married in the first place I have had enough.
She has TOLD me it is her, not me. Has also REFUSED to do anything about this either. Doesn’t even acknowledge lack of sex an issue “worthy” of her highness’ concern. After all, you won’t DIE without sex, right?
No. But a marriage will. And has. A long long time ago. Maybe that is what the ’til death do us part REALLY means.
Longsuffering,
In my case, the only person standing on the pedestal was my husband. What we did, where we went and dreams we shared were always dependent on what was going on with his job.
Women aren’t always the one on the pedestal.
Essentially, your situation is the same as mine, only the opposite.
I am going to try to respond to both CB’s and Denise’s comments from a mans perspective. What I am going to say will likely meet with some resistance, so I would just ask that you give me the benefit of the doubt.
First let me say that I am not saying that either of you are wrong. You both have stated grievances that should be addressed. I say that with a confession. I have been what you describe in your husbands, but I was probably worse. I could make excuses, but I won’t bother. Chris knows my history and when I tell you I was a pretty bad husband, I think she will agree. I think she will also agree that I probably know more about anger than anyone should. I was sort of the anger poster boy.
Since CB was first to comment, I am going to address her remarks first. Honestly, your first remark was pretty vague, and I didn’t get much from it, but your follow up had a lot more information that spoke clearly to me. The first thing I note is that your husband is pretty closed off emotionally. There are any number of explanations for that, and the majority of them aren’t really his fault. I will say that cutting him off from his only real emotional connection will not further his cause. As for the hours he works, and pouring into his job and his employees. He shouldn’t be doing that to the detriment of his marriage, but again, it may be a learned behavior that he will need help to un-learn. I don’t want you to take this wrong or as an accusation, but there is another aspect that neither you nor Chris mentioned. If he is held in high regard at his place of employment, but not at home, it is only natural that he would focus his energies where they are appreciated. I am not saying he is right, and I am not saying you are wrong, but what I am seeing is an issue that can very well spiral out of control. I have been there, and I didn’t handle my end of it the way I should have. As a matter of fact, I handled it in about the worst way possible.
For Denise, I will just say I am sorry. You should not have to deal with your husbands anger issues. I don’t know how he became angry, whether it is a learned behavior or the result of an unresolved trauma. I will tell you that he probably has more control over it than he realizes, but he may well not realize that. I went for 20 years pretty much in a fog of anger. It was never violent, but it was explosive, I did not realize it was me with the problem. I was reacting to the world in the only way I knew how. I’m not making excuses. I was wrong. I was also unaware. It was only by the grace of god that I am not that person any more. I will tell you this much. My anger was sort of a mix of learned behavior, and unresolved trauma. The learned behavior was relatively easy to change for me. Of course, I had lots of help and accountability. Dealing with the trauma is another matter altogether. It has been hard. I would go into cycles of depression that I couldn’t get myself out of. Chris was one who helped me walk thru some of the worst of it and was a big part of me finally getting professional help. It is only 2 days shy of a year ago that I was standing in my closet with a gun in my hand, with the intent of using it on myself, and she pushed me hard to get some help.
I tell you both all of that because the label “good-willed” has been bantered around quite a bit in the remarks. I don’t really take offense to that, but I suppose I do take exception to it. I was the way I was. Can’t deny that. On the other hand, I NEVER harbored ill will to anyone, even those who hurt me the most. I would ask that you do not sell your husbands short or assume ill will, just because you don’t understand why they act the way they do.
I know one thing. I have endured a lot of rejection in my life, and it never made me want to do better, or to be better. I’m not saying to go jump in the sack with someone who abuse you, but if you truly have a good man with flaws, and not a bad man, then you really need to ask yourself if refusal and rejection is going to help your marriage, or help to kill it completely.
Amen, and amen brother.
I refuse to eat something she cooked that she knows, and has been told for decades, that I cannot stand. And even the smell can literally make me gag and I am being ABUSIVE?
We are expected to be LIKE Jesus. Not Jesus himself! And “all have failed” and will continue to do so.
But in the end no matter how close you do, or don’t, get to this goal one fact remains.
You cannot have sex with Jesus.
My husband has ALWAYS over-focused on his work to the detriment of our marriage. I would say that is, indeed, it is his fault to have placed so much of his ‘self’ into work and towards increasing the depth of our marriage.
Hopefully this gives you a better idea of where I’m coming from.
Correction to my comment, : “….indeed, it is his fault to have place so much of his ‘self’ into work and NOT towards increasing the depth of our marriage.”
No anger issues in my husband but definitely passive-aggressive behavior ( controlling through passiveness and apathy). Withholding emotional intimacy from a woman and only being ‘close’ when we have sex, this, will eventually obliterate a woman’s heart. We had plenty of great sex over the years but decades of him wanting nothing more than sex with me left me feeling used and empty.
Yes, being close only for sex is corrosive to a woman’s heart. The walls that many of us build around our hearts is an attempt to protect against that.
@manwithoutamap……I think perhaps my comments were misunderstood. I was not really talking so much about my husband, but more trying to discern what was meant by the original post and some of the comments.
I grew up in a home with much conflict and have people in my extended family who have issues with dealing with their anger.
I would challenge the idea that if one is married to one who loses their temper frequently, that this would be the optimal environment for the other person to work on their sexual issues. I know growing up and even into present day I sometimes shut down trying to deal with people in my family who cannot manage their tempers.
I think many women are not wired in such a way that they can ignore all relational issues before being sexual. We can tell women all we want that this should be different but this doesn’t make it so. Women just end up feeling used if there isn’t some minimal effort going on.
I would not consider someone with an on-going anger problem to be a generally good-willed husband. The anger may be a response to some relational problems and will likely create some, but the anger itself is not a relationship problem. A wife could still choose to work on her own issues because it benefits her, but it would be very difficult to work on relationship issues in the face of that anger.
I apologize if I misunderstood. In any case, it isn’t my intent to tell anyone they are wrong, and I hope it didn’t come across that way. I was hoping to make a point, and I might have done a poor job of explaining. The simple truth is that I didn’t realize I had a problem. Much of it was rooted in past trauma, and no small measure of it was learned behavior. I was an angry person, and I make no excuses for it other than to say that it “felt” normal to me. It is how I coped with everything because I had no idea there was another way.
Surrendering that anger was not “some minimal effort” as you describe it. It left me helpless for a long time, unable to deal with the smallest disappointments, and depressed and occasionally suicidal when faced with the bigger hurts I had unresolved. I still struggle mightily on occasion.
I make no excuses, to you, or myself. I will only say that I was getting thru life the best way I knew how, and didn’t see the wake of destruction I left behind me.
I don’t understand what you are saying by the anger is not a relationship problem. A person with anger problems causes issues in all of the relationships he has.
Yes, anger causes all sorts of relationship problems. When I say it isn’t a relationship problem, I mean that it is not a problem that stems from the relationship. A relationship problem is something like communication, or difference in sexual interest, or something along those lines. A relationship problem is something that a couple could address in marriage counseling because it is specifically ABOUT the relationship. At its core, anger is not about the relationship. It is one spouse’s sinful reaction to something (including a relationship problem)–but fixing the relationship won’t fix the anger. Anger absolutely is a problem in a relationship, but it is a problem that stems from something other than the relationship.
I haven’t read through all of the comments, but Chris, I feel like you’ve touched on a hard-to-approach but much-needed subject. It obviously provokes a lot of emotions, but I also think that God has so much more for us in this specific conversation that could be key in bringing the healing that so many of us have been praying would happen.
So much of this resonates with me. I’ll have to read and re-read it to really grab all if it, but my main take-away is that maybe I need to work on praying for my own perspective of my husband. To believe the best about his intentions, to acknowledge where I’m missing his heart and also let God work more on my “this is the only/best way to fix things” list, not only for my marriage’s sake but also for my own maturity and growth.
Thank you for getting this up and out of your heart for us!
Changing my perspective of my husband and his goals have done so much to change my heart. I will pray for you!