You’ve probably seen that scene in When Harry Met Sally.
Harry and Sally are talking about women faking orgasms. Harry doesn’t believe it’s ever happened to him, so Sally goes into a lengthy demonstration of a woman faking an orgasm. Although there are some physical movements, the stellar part of Meg Ryan’s performance is the sounds she makes.
I don’t think Harry’s alone in thinking that the moans, shouts, and shrieks are signs of a woman’s orgasm. I wonder how many men watched that scene and felt confused and shattered by what they saw.
Like many (most? all?) women who’ve seen that scene, I know very well that those sounds don’t necessarily indicate a woman’s orgasm—and it turns out that research backs me up on that.
Whose Orgasm?
In 2011, a research study was published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior with a title that recently caught my eye:
Evidence to Suggest that Copulatory Vocalizations in Women Are Not a Reflexive Consequence of Orgasm*
It was a relatively small study and was based on what women reported about their sexual encounters, but it still gives us some insight into what might be going on with our sex sounds.
The researchers asked women questions about the frequency, intensity, and timing of copulatory “vocalizations (silence, moan/groan, scream/shriek/squeal, words [e.g., partner’s name,”yes”,etc.] and instructional commands [e.g.,”more”]).”
Here’s what the researchers found:
Most of women’s distinctive and loud vocalizations during sexual activity are completely unrelated to their own orgasms. Instead, women vocalize before and during the male partner’s orgasm.
A woman’s moans, screams, and instructions are about HIS orgasm, not about hers.
The study makes clear that not all copulatory vocalization is done on purpose—but some of it is. There are two primary reasons women make these sounds that are unrelated to our own orgasms.
Reason #1
The first reason has to do with the fact that in both humans and non-human primates, male ejaculatory behavior is influenced by female copulatory vocalization.
In other words, when a guy hears his woman moan, shriek, or yell “More!” or “Faster!”, it makes him have an orgasm. (If your husband has asked you to vocalize more, see this post.)
According to 66% of the women in the study, we make these sounds in order to speed things up.
If we’re uncomfortable, frustrated, in pain, or exhausted, we instinctively know that making certain sounds will move us toward the finish line.
The study refers to this as “manipulating male ejaculatory behavior.” That word “manipulating” gives me pause because it has such a negative connotation to it. Using vocalization to fake an orgasm (as Meg Ryan’s character shows us in When Harry Met Sally) and intentionally make him think something that is untrue is dishonest.
At the same time, if we know it will serve the purpose of ending our discomfort or frustration, perhaps it isn’t such a bad thing. Maybe it’s the same kind of manipulation as when a husband kisses just that right spot on your neck because he knows it will get your turned on.
When we know each other well, we know what works.
And it turns out that isn’t the only reason for the vocalization, or the most biggest one.
Reason #2 (and this one is more common)
The second reason we do this is because we care about our husbands.
The study found that even more than using vocalizations to speed up the man’s orgasm, 87 % of women used them to boost their partner’s self-esteem. The researchers speculated that a man’s high self-esteem related to sex may help the pair bond between the man and woman.
The Bible tells us to build each other up and to look to the interests of others. Is this one way we do that in the bedroom?
God’s Design
Some of our sex noises are done with no intention or effort on our part. They just happen, and sometimes they do have to do with our pleasure. Most of the time, though, their timing corresponds to our husband’s impending orgasm, not ours.
The timing of our sex noises sometimes has to do with instinct—even when it comes to speeding things up. When I was new to sex. I often got to a point where I was very uncomfortable or even in pain from a position or from insufficient lubrication at different times of the month. No one had ever told me that if I made sounds I would speed things up. Somehow I just knew to do it. It was instinctive.
Perhaps that is one of the ways God has designed us to protect our own bodies. We often experience physical arousal and lubrication when we don’t actually want to have sex (such as during sexual abuse and assault). Lubrication reduces the discomfort and pain for us. We automatically know to make sounds in order to spur the man to orgasm more quickly. Our bodies have some built-in ways to protect us when it comes to sex.
Of course, once we discover the effect our sex sounds have, we may use them on purpose in the future.
And I think our intention matters here.
What We Do on Purpose
I’ve heard so many women share both reasons for, well, not faking orgasm as much as exaggerating their response:
“I was getting sore, and I knew if I grimaced it would change the mood. He really needed to have sex, and I knew that we needed to get to the end fast or I wouldn’t be able to be involved.”
“I’d had such a long day, and sex was so relaxing, especially since I’d already had my orgasm. I was afraid I’d fall asleep in the middle of sex, so I speeded things up.”
“My body just wasn’t responding to anything. I want him to feel good during sex, not bad about the fact that I didn’t have an orgasm.”
It matters why we do what we do.
During the disconnected years of our marriage, there were times I used copulatory vocalization to bring sex to an end because I didn’t want to be having sex. My heart was not at all in the right place. Making sex sounds for that purpose was dishonest and wrong.
Is it wrong now if I make those sounds to speed things up in order to avoid pain? Is it wrong to think about how much my husband might need a boost to his self-esteem if he’s had a rough day at work?
Not My Call
Do you make sex sounds that don’t line up with your own sexual pleasure?
I’m not going to tell you it’s okay, and I’m not going to tell you it’s wrong.
What I am going to tell you is to do two things.
First, examine your heart to know why you are making those sounds. If you are doing it primarily for the purpose of avoiding sex or to fake orgasm, you may be on the wrong side of things—and causing yourself more long-term trouble, to boot. Seek medical treatment. Get help for your marriage. Address your own sexual baggage. Do what is needed to help you not want to avoid sex.
Second, and more important, talk with your husband. Be honest with him about what those sounds mean—and what they don’t mean. Ask him how he would like you to handle it in the moment if you are in discomfort and need to speed things up or if you are trying to help him because he seems to be having a rough time getting to his own orgasm. He might prefer that you simply tell him when you are in pain and then switch to stimulation with your hand or mouth. Or maybe he appreciates that you care about his self-esteem enough to help him out.
Is it Faking Orgasm?
I am not advocating that you fake orgasm.
Faking orgasm to make your husband think you had one when you didn’t isn’t a good idea. It is dishonest, and it teaches your husband that certain sexual techniques work when they actually don’t.
However, if you and your husband both know that those sounds don’t indicate your orgasm and that your heart is in the right place, maybe using sex sounds to spur him on or boost his self-esteem is okay.
Examine your heart.
Talk with your husband.
Figuring it out together will strengthen your relationship and promote oneness far more than faking an orgasm ever will.
*Brewer, G. & Hendrie, C. Evidence to suggest that copulatory vocalizations in women are not a reflexive consequence of orgasm. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 40, 559-564.
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Regarding the survey you mentioned, I must say that its sampling must’ve been very small. Prior to marrying (both times), I did my fair share of “sowing my wild oats.” In no case (with the exception of my 1st wife) could I be convinced that the sounds and words being uttered by my partner (at the time) were made to speed-up the sex act(s). Seldom, and multiple surveys/studies have found this is true in most cases, do both partners achieve orgasm at the same time. Far more often than not, one orgasms before the other.
With my 2nd (and, hopefully, my last) wife, seldom do we achieve simultaneous orgasms. Usually, it’s she who orgasms first, then, I do. While we want both of us to orgasm, my goal is for her to orgasm, then, if possible, me. (I can still get erections, but due to medical/medication issues, sometimes I don’t/can’t orgasm. Like I tell my wife, “I may not make it all the way to ‘Orgasm-town,’ but, I sure do enjoy the ride!”)
Never once has my 2nd wife faked her orgasm(s), or, so she’s said; and, I believe her. Also, since we seldom orgasm together, I know that her noises/words aren’t related to her trying to speed things up for my benefit, since we’re working on her orgasm, not mine. I’m confident that her sounds and words are the result of her experiencing sexual pleasure and are her vocal responses to it; not a way to hurry-up and get things over with. (That would be my 1st wife.)
It was a fairly small sample size, but it also matched what I have heard from a whole lot of women. The point here isn’t about faking orgasm, though. It’s about women making sure their heart is in the right place and pursuing sexual honesty with their husband.
I just find this sad as its never been my experience.
Why am I always the odd one? I am really loud and it’s nothing to do with my meeting a need of my husband’s or rushing anything.
Good for you! I didn’t mean to imply that all women do this, or even that most women do. The study intrigued me because it showed that what we always assume to be true may not be.
After reading this, i think i may not ever want to have sex with my wife again.
Why not?
Who knows if its real.
If you and your wife can trust to have honest communication, you should be able to ask her.
I took away something different perhaps from the comments above. Of course I know you’re not saying to just have sex while in pain and use your sounds to get it over with. (That’s not at all what you’ve talked about MANY times on your blog and in our podcast!) But if she’s done, and her lubrication is slowing down, and the friction is getting a bit much, I can see that her wanting to bring things to a close before it becomes uncomfortable or even painful. And I can see that if a husband is struggling to get all the way over the edge for his climax, it could be helpful for his wife to intentionally make enthusiastic noises.
That said, I suspect a lot of this is instinctual—not manipulative. We make noises because we enjoy it, and then he enjoys it and it helps him climax, and so the action is subtly rewarded, and then we repeat. I’ve never thought that I’m helping him get there with my “copulatory vocalization” (I love that, by the way), but it’s nice to know that —since I’m doing it anyway — it can have a positive effect for him.
I am not advocating having sex while in pain–but sometimes a pain or strong discomfort will pop up during sex (like when there’s a long time in one position that the knees don’t tolerate well). I think what really matters here is our heart and our intention. if I want sex to be over because I want to avoid intimacy, it’s a huge problem. If my intention, though, is to allow my husband to finish without feeling bad for my discomfort or to help him along, it might be a good thing–as long as he and I are in agreement that this is an acceptable approach for us.
what she said above. Yeah, what’s the harm, and where’s the hurt? If both people get what they need, you are meeting each other’s needs. Only thing is that if the woman is not getting an orgasm, and the sounds are implying she is, that’s bad, for both. He needs to know, and she needs to tell him what he needs to do.
Typically I’m not a vocalizer.
Early on in our marriage I did vocalize to help make my husband feel more manly, but after a while I started to feel like I was lying to him, so I stopped. I didn’t feel it was honest to make noises I normally wouldn’t just to make him feel better about himself.
Are you saying that’s ok?
Now I wonder if he thought I had been orgasming back in my vocal days 🙁
I wonder if he had known I was vocalizing for his sake if he would have appreciated it?
Interesting thoughts.
I think it’s okay if your husband and you agree that it is. That means being honest about what those sounds indicate about your own pleasure. Also, though, consider that you might experience genuine emotional pleasure in seeing your husband get so sexually excited. It may be that those sounds reflect your emotional delight, even if they don’t directly reflect your own sexual response.
I do think that men tend to think that certain sounds mean that we are having orgasms, which can reinforce sexual techniques that may not actually work for us.
One approach might be to say things that are true even if your own sexual response is not kicking into gear: that feels so good, I love how you feel inside me, I want to feel you climax inside me, you are so hard, go faster, etc. It is not lying to say these things–and if you have talked with your husband about this ahead of time, you are not misrepresenting anything to him.
The key is here is honest communication. If your husband would find those sounds helpful and encouraging, even knowing that they reflect something other than your own orgasm, then this can be okay.
I doubt if any teo people are so similar that anything one person does during sex, and the reasons behind it, can be accurately ascribed to another person. We are so complicated that what might be true for ourselves in one instance may not apply in another.
If I had to rely on noises to know if my wife has had an orgasm, I would be led to believe that she almost never did. On a rare occasion, she will be relaxed/safe enough that she lets loose a little. Most of the time she is relatively quiet. She has, in the last few years, become a little bit more noisy, and I have attributed that to a number of things. A larger yard with a bit of separation from our neighbors, and an empty nest are probably way up on the list, but also a major improvement in our marriage has allowed a feeling of safety that probably did not exist before. I think she realized some was different and wanted to exploit it. She always made sure the blinds were closed, and she started requesting that I also closed the window to keep the neighbors from hearing.
There are other ways to tell what is going on physically, if you care enough to learn. I don’t think they are easily faked.
Yes, there are other signs of orgasm, and they aree more reliable than sounds.
I’m fairly quiet, or so I thought until I heard a voice recording my husband made of us having sex. I was louder than I thought. I suppose it was my real reaction to how much I was enjoying myself during intercourse. During orgasm I usually clench my teeth as the pleasure is so intense, and only make a noise of exhaling when the feeling has diminished.
It is amazing what we learn about ourselves from a recording, isn’t it?