“I want you to talk sexy to me,” he said. Huh? I was just halfway through my grocery list. And in the middle of sex.
Even during my refusing and gatekeeping years, we weren’t in a sexless marriage (although we came close one year). And every so often, I was actually participating—but even then, my mind was usually on what was next on my to-do list, right after my husband.
“I want you to talk sexy.” Uh, right now? What do you want me to say? Why? Is there a script? How am I supposed to go from barely being comfortable with a soft moan to full-blown “!@# my $%^ you he-man!!!” Or whatever it was that he meant by talking sexy.
If you’ve been courageous and loving enough to ask your husband, “What do you want?” one of the answers you may hear is that he wants you to be more vocal in bed.
I’d like to share some techniques that helped me get comfortable doing this.
Find out what he means. Does he want sounds (like moans) and words that let him know that what he’s doing feels good (“yes, just like that”)? Words that describe what you’re doing to each other? Words that you shouldn’t say in front of other people, used to describe actions, responses, body parts, etc.? Have a conversation about it outside the bedroom. Learn what he has in mind. Decide together what words will be okay, what words he’d really love, and what words you’d like to keep off-limits for a while. (One of my top two “no way, no how” words from the beginning has slipped out of my mouth several times, much to my shock and my husband’s delight.)
During this conversation, pay attention to how your body responds to hearing these words spoken. It may be that you’d like more vocalizing, too, and your body’s responses will help you know which words you’ll find most enjoyable. My belief is that all words are okay in the marriage bed, even if they’re words that you would never, ever, ever say in front of your pastor. A shared language is part of what constructs the privacy and intimacy of married sex.
Take small steps to build up to where you want to be. Even if your husband would like you to talk dirty, that doesn’t mean you need to start there. These steps can help you get to that point—or to whatever point your husband is requesting.
As you introduce each of these things, it might be helpful to keep the lights dim until you’re comfortable. It was hard enough for me to say certain words, and I wasn’t ready to have my husband actually watch me say them right away.
- Begin by just loosening your throat and allowing yourself to let soft moans escape.
- Vocalize small sounds or words like “mmm,” “yes,” “that feels good,” and “don’t stop.”
- Use actions to help you out. You can say, “touch me here” while using your hand to bring his to the exact body part you may not be ready to name out loud.
- Describe your responses and what you are experiencing, using tame words at first if you need to. “That makes me wet.” “I like how hard you are.” “I like it when you lick my [insert favorite body part here].”
- If you and your husband have decided to work toward sexier talk with words that are okay only in private, try just one new word at a time. Get comfortable with that word and then add the next one.
Shake things up a bit. Once you’ve gotten fairly comfortable with sexy bedroom talk, you can use your new comfort to spice things up some.
- Use your new vocabulary in unexpected ways. If you’re progressively working your way toward using certain words, every now and then try to use one that’s way ahead in your vocabulary plan. He won’t be expecting it, and it may give him a real charge. Also, as you get comfortable with certain words, use them elsewhere when you can’t be overheard by others. Last week, we were out running errands together. We were talking about the traffic, and I said something along the lines of, “Let’s pick up your dry cleaning, gas up the car, and then when we get home you can [censored verb] my [censored body part]. Yeah, it was fun to watch him hear this while we were stuck in traffic.
- Try different words every now and then. I have one particular word I like to use for my husband’s penis. He knows that when I’m talking about it, that’s the word I’m likely to say. So sometimes I use a different word just to keep him on his toes.
- Ask him to do some sexy talking, describing what he is doing to you or how he feels. It’s a good way to learn the rhythm of language that he’d like to hear, and it can be erotic for both of you to hear him talk like this.
- Have a sexual encounter where you’re both as vocal as possible without using any words at all—limit yourself to moans, grunt, screams, etc.
I’ve gotten pretty good at sexy talk, and it’s one of the things in our sexual repertoire that we can draw on at any time. But just one more tip: it’s a lot easier to do if you aren’t trying to make your grocery list at the same time.
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