Delight and Intimacy

When I began to work on my struggles with sex, my efforts focused mostly on changing negative habits and thoughts into positive ones. I grew in compassion for my husband. I came to understand that sex was for me, too.

As important as this was in finding healing for me, my husband, and our marriage, it only took us so far.

At a certain point on my journey, I knew that I’d made a lot of progress. Big Guy and I were both happier in our marriage, and our sex life seemed pretty good.

Even so, I sensed that I was still missing out on something.

I was missing out on delight in intimacy.

Delight

As a noun, delight is great pleasure. As a verb, it is to give or to experience great pleasure.

Big Guy and I were experiencing sexual pleasure, but we weren’t pursuing it to the depths and heights that were possible.

So much of my sex journey had been more about not being negative than it had been about seeking and enjoying what was positive. The whole time I was unlearning my long-time habits and thoughts, I was simply trying to undo what was negative.

When I unlearned the negative things and had reached a place of “good enough,” I felt kind of stuck. What should I do now? Our marriage is better, but is there something more I could be doing?

I began to read on various blogs and marriage forums. I was never surprised to read comments from men about how much they loved sex, but I saw a lot of positive comments from women, too. They shared how much they loved orgasms, the attention from their husbands, how desirable they felt, and how much fun they had in sex. These women seemed to truly enjoy sex and look forward to it.

I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine; he browses among the lilies. Song of Songs 6:3

It occurred to me that maybe sex could at least be better for me than it was. Believing that sexual delight was a real thing gave me hope that sex could become more enjoyable for me.

Once I believed that delight was truly possible, I wanted to pursue it. I wanted to experience what others were describing.

Intimacy

At a recent Rethinking Sexuality conference I attended, Juli Slattery from Authentic Intimacy began with a profound question: “What is the purpose of sex?”

Her answer is that God designed sex as a metaphor to teach us about covenant love and intimacy with God.

Our sexual desire and pleasure might draw us again and again into sexual encounters with our spouses—but it is about so much more than pleasure.

As I began pursuing sexual delight with my husband, I experienced something that I hadn’t realized was possible:

Our mutual sexual delight added to our sense of oneness in all aspects of our marriage.

Sex wasn’t the only thing that was better.

Our intimacy in marriage was better in every way.

Our overall marital intimacy became a source of delight as well. Big Guy and I experienced great pleasure in knowing that our union was stronger. We trusted more. We opened up more. We invited each other in to the places we had kept hidden. Covenant love opened us up to so much more than we had known was possible.

As I experienced the greater and deeper intimacy with my husband, I knew that I was being given a glimpse of the intimacy I would one day experience with God as well.

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. Ephesians 5:31-32

God’s design for sex

How often do you think about God’s design for sex in our marriages?

We are fallen people in a fallen world. We are sinners who are married to sinners, and I would imagine that very few marriages truly experience sex in the fullness of God’s design and desire for us.

On a practical level, this means that no matter what we do or how hard we try, our marital intimacy is still likely to fall short of God’s design.

That doesn’t means we should give up. The pursuit of that design can bring us much delight and intimacy.

What do you believe about God’s design for sex?

Do you believe that His purpose for sex is to create intimacy and oneness in our marriages? Do you believe it is to teach us about covenant love and intimacy with Him?

If we’ve experienced pain, trauma, relational hurt, or negative views of marriage or of sex, it’s easy for us to limit our goals to being pain-free or simply being able to tolerate sex. It might seem too far out there to think about enjoying sex as a reasonable goal.

But what if we set God’s design as our deepest goal and desire for our marriages? What if we choose to believe that delight is possible? What if we pray for God to help us find the intimacy and oneness He desires for us?

Are you ready to pursue delight in sex? Are you ready to delight in the intimacy in your marriage?

These articles show you some of the enjoyment and delight that are possible in sexual intimacy as well as God’s design for sex:

• 25 Reasons God Made Sex Real Good, Bonny’s OysterBed7
• Dear Wife, You Deserve a Great Sex Life Too, Calm.Healthy.Sexy.
• Good Lovemaking Is About God, Desiring God
• The Importance of Marital Sex: A Biblical View, Focus on the Family
• Intimacy with Christ Mirrors Intimacy in Marriage, Awaken Love
• Why I Cried When We Made Love, Intimacy in Marriage
• A Window into Intimacy, Awaken Love

If you’d like to learn more about God’s design for sex and why it matters, be sure to check out Juli Slattery’s recent book Rethinking Sexuality (affiliate link below).

Image credit | StockSnap at pixabay.com