Four Ways to Absorb God’s Truth about Intimacy in Marriage

This post originally appeared at Managing Your Blessings as part of the Spring 2015 31 Days to a Better Marriage series.

Like many of you, my journey toward healed sexual intimacy involved both unlearning lies about sex and sexuality and learning God’s truth.

Read on, or join me at Managing Your Blessings to read about some ways to absorb God’s truth about sexual intimacy. You can find an overview of the entire series here.

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One of my signature Bible verses is Psalm 51:10:

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.

That verse beautifully expresses the work God did in me during a time of transformation in my marriage.

I had spent nearly two decades depriving our marriage of healthy sexual intimacy. For my husband (like for most men), sexual intimacy is the primary means of emotional bonding. When I realized that my avoidance and control of sex had hurt my husband’s heart, I was broken.

At the moment of realizing what I had done and how much I’d hurt our marriage, I invited God into the process. With God’s help, my efforts resulted in a total transformation of my heart, my Christian walk, and my relationship with my husband.

One of the biggest challenges I faced in this process was learning—and believing—God’s truth about sex.

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Sexual intimacy is such a powerful thing in marriage. It should be no surprise that it’s where Satan chooses to attack us by feeding us lies and making us doubt.

Like many women, I often found it easier to believe the enemy’s lies about sexual intimacy than to believe God’s truth.

Truth: I am beautiful.
Lie: No, I’m not. Have you seen this stomach or the stretch marks?

Truth: My husband wants to have sex with me just as much for the “me” as for the sex.
Lie: He just wants a physical release.

Truth: I can change my attitude toward sexual intimacy.
Lie: It’s just the way I am and I can’t do anything about it.

Truth: My husband’s sex drive and desire for adventure are God-given.
Lie: He’s oversexed and possibly perverted.

Truth: Sex is an integral part of the marriage relationship.
Lie: Sex doesn’t really matter that much.

Truth: Sex is for the husband, for the wife, and for the marriage.
Lie: Sex is mostly for men.

Truth: I have a sex drive, and it’s different from my husband’s.
Lie: Because I’m not always ready like my husband seems to be, I am not sexual and I don’t have a sex drive.

Do you struggle to be sexual with your husband? Do any of these lies sound familiar? Are you uncomfortable with some of the truths on this list?

How do you fight these lies and begin to absorb God’s truth about sex and sexuality?

How do you get rid of the lies? You push the lies out by replacing them with the truth.

Here are four things that can help you do just that:

1. Learn God’s truth. There is a lot that we think we know about healthy sexuality in a Christian marriage—but is it true?

• Read the Bible. In addition to scripture that is clearly about marriage, there are also things to learn about generosity, ministering to others, and what it means to be a child of God in all ways.
• Especially, read Song of Solomon. Maybe you think it’s an allegory for the relationship between Christ and the church. Remember, though, that the only way we can truly understand the symbolism is if we also understand what the allegory means in its nitty-grittiest sense. The better the sexual intimacy is in my marriage, the more deeply I appreciate the intimacy with God that waits for me.
• Read good resources on Christian sexuality. Look for resources that you know will challenge you. There are wonderful books and blogs written to help Christian wives grow in their sexuality.
• Let other women walk alongside you. Ask experienced wives (with happy husbands!) to mentor you. Gather with other wives to go through a study about sex in Christian marriages. Email a woman blogger who writes about sexual intimacy.

2. Write it out. Write out God’s truth as you learn.

• Keep a journal where you record your journey of learning and change. Make note of what you learn. Write about your struggles. Record your milestones. It is wonderful to look back a year or two or ten later and be able to recognize how far you’ve come.
• Make note of Bible passages that speak to you about your marriage. Write them on post-it notes and place them where you will see them throughout your day.
• Write each of God’s truths about sexuality to counter the lies you have believed. Put them on index cards. Read some of them every day while you pray to understand and apply them.

3. Involve your husband. Let your husband be your biggest cheerleader.

• Ask him to pray for you to learn (and love) God’s truth about sex.
• Invite him to go through a marriage study with you.
• Choose to believe your husband. When he says you’re beautiful, it’s because in his eyes, you truly are. When he says that sex is about intimacy, not just about a physical release, it’s because it’s true. When he says that sex with you makes him feel loved like nothing else can, it’s because it does.
• One husband has helped his wife by writing out lies and truths for her to refer to when she is struggling: “I also wrote her a list of LIES and TRUTHS for when she begins to feel these things she can go right to it. I listed out the lies she keeps fighting and the truth about how I feel and how my actions line up with those truths.”

4. Seek help. If you need it, get help. There is no need to walk this journey alone

• Talk with your pastor or a professional counselor if you need guidance. Either on your own or with your husband, let someone help you.
• If you are a survivor of childhood sexual abuse or rape, chances are pretty high that these experiences affect your marriage bed. Don’t let the perpetrators keep control over your marriage; get help and work on your healing. Find a specialist who can walk you through the healing process. Your marriage is worth it. More important, so are you.

Are you ready to renew your mind, heart, and spirit and learn God’s truth about sex and sexuality?

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