Today’s guest post comes to you from J. Parker at Hot, Holy & Humorous and Sex Chat for Christian Wives. This post is part of the Sexual Healing and Wholeness Series.
By J. Parker
I remember lying naked in bed with my husband above me, and all I could think was how small my breasts were — how desperately I wished I had more to share with him.
But this wasn’t the only time when poor body image stole my healthy view of sexual intimacy.
I’ve spent most of my life as a small woman, size 4 or below. Wait! Don’t stop reading. Whatever your size, I promise there’s a message for you here.
Deep down, I knew I wasn’t pretty. I lacked the curves that seemed to distinguish a girl from woman and instead felt trapped in a pubescent 13-year-old body. People “complimented” me with statements like: “You’re so thin, one of these days a big wind might just up and blow you away” and “You’re so skinny, I can see your bones.” But seriously, what man wants to be with tumbleweed or a skeleton?
In fact, this is one of the reasons I fell into promiscuity before marriage. Believing I couldn’t measure up to the beauty of the bodies around me, I figured I could at least snag a guy by giving him the sex he wanted. My mental calculation? Yeah, I don’t have boobs—or hips or much of a waist—but when I bring him to climax, won’t he feel good about me then?
Fast forward to marriage, when many of my beliefs about sexual intimacy had changed and become far more in line with God’s design—and yet, my unhappiness with my body made me tense and unable to feel “enough” for my husband. At times, I was still making the same calculation: He can’t really be happy with my body, so I have to be an extra-good lover for him to enjoy me.
Now my husband never encouraged this viewpoint. Rather, he tried to reassure me. But his one voice, important as it was, couldn’t quite drown out all the messages I’d internalized about my body.
As a woman, I suspect you understand. There’s so much pressure placed on women to meet certain beauty standards, to be sexually appealing to her mate, to be physically “enough” for her man.
Not only are we competing with our own assessments of our bodies, we’re bombarded with evidence all around us that we are supposed to be thin yet curvy, long-legged yet petite, sweet yet sultry. We look at models on magazines, celebrities on red carpets, young women in bikinis and wonder how our husbands could ever be fully satisfied with our imperfect bodies.
I’d love to say that one day the light came on, and I suddenly realized all my worth in Christ Jesus, and I went forth from that day with full confidence in my appearance and value. I’d love to say that, but I’m far more given to telling hard truths. And from where I stand, this is a battle — one I’ve mostly won, but I still have my moments. All in all, though, I feel so much better now about my body.
What made the difference? Why do I feel more confident? Why am I truly okay now with baring it all for my hubby?
1. I stopped comparing.
First of all, I learned more about those models and celebrities and discovered what we see on the covers and carpets aren’t the real person either. Those poor women are tucked into Spanx, Photoshopped into shape, and airbrushed to subtlety. As Cindy Crawford once famously said, “Even I don’t wake up looking like Cindy Crawford.” It took a team to get her looking like the supermodel she was.
Moreover, I talked to enough women to realize we all have issues. While I struggled with being straight-figured and skinny, a friend might have struggled with being overweight, but both of us had body challenges. Ask any woman to identify a flaw on their body, and she can and will. Because we all feel something about us is imperfect. Yet when I enter a room of my friends, all I see is a bunch of beauties. Why not be my own friend and start seeing that in myself?
Finally, the comparison just wasn’t doing me, or her, any good. So what if some other woman drew the lucky straw on looks? She might have gone through a terrible family background or struggled with financial or health issues. I don’t know her story, and it wasn’t fair of me to set her up as my idol of jealousy. I just decided to let go.
2. I believed my husband.
Actually, I’ve heard from many husbands over the years who get frustrated with how attracted they are to their wives while their wives continually criticize their own appearance. When the husband protests, the wife digs her heels in further and dismisses his heartfelt words. To the husband, it feels like she’s calling him a liar.
Look, my husband didn’t have to date me. If he wanted someone who didn’t look like me, he could have passed me by altogether. Instead, he chose me. And he even met my family, so he had a fairly good idea of how I’d look when I aged enough to become my mother. (Seriously, this is a real thing, y’all.)
He selected me, he committed to me, he liked to gaze and touch me — all of me. Even if he’s aware that pretty women exist out there somewhere, I’m the one he’d married and wants to make love with. So when he said I was beautiful…I determined to believe him.
3. I changed what I needed to change and made peace with the rest.
My full confession must include that I eventually got breast implants. Wait, you say, how can you tell women to feel good about their body when you changed yours?! Good question.
First of all, I didn’t do it for my husband or my sexuality. I finally made that choice based on a desire for greater confidence and convenience — I wanted the outside of me to reflect the woman I now felt myself to be inside, and frankly I was tired of clothes never fitting me because I lacked boobs.
Yes, I made a change, one that mattered to me, but I’ve made a peace with far more about my body. My hip bones stick out all weird, I have a flat butt, and there’s a flap of skin that sags over my C-section scar in a not-so-sexy way. Gravity is beginning to take its toll, and if someone could cure back fat, I’d sincerely appreciate that. But I’m okay with all that. It’s just my body, the one that works great, looks good to my husband, and has its own beauty.
If you can make changes that make you feel better about your body, you might want to go that route — particularly when it involves better health! But you and I will likely always have something about our bodies we don’t like. Far more of our issue is making peace with our unique and beautiful form. In fact, it’s only when you feel good about yourself that you can make wise choices about your appearance.
4. I held onto positive self-talk.
For me, that wasn’t just telling myself that I was valuable in God’s eyes, beautiful in my husband’s eyes, and good enough to be seen and loved. I held onto Psalm 139:13-14a and rehearsed it in my mind: “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”
Find an affirmation about your value and make it a habit to remind yourself that you are beautiful.
“You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you” (Song of Songs 4:7).
Image credit|ivanovgood @ pixabay.com
About the Author
J. Parker is Christian author and speaker who blogs at Hot, Holy & Humorous and uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster godly sexuality. She has penned three books on sexual intimacy in marriage, including Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design,
Married for 25 years, J. has fondly nicknamed her logical husband “Spock,” has two grown sons, and lives in the great state of Texas. She holds a master’s degree in counseling, yet it’s her personal story of redemption that fuels her passion for passion.
I've moved! While you can peruse the archives here, I am no longer posting at The Forgiven Wife.
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Ladies, if you're interested in joining me for a study of Juli Slattery's new book God, Sex, and Your Marriage, time is running out! Our study begins with introductions on February 26, 2023, but the study will be open to join until March 5.
Oh, yes a husband can be deliriously happy about his wife’s body. Come on, ladies, do you really think that your husband is so shallow? A wife is a package arrangement. Love does wondrous things to a man’s eyes. My wife is sixty-six, and I love for her to parade around naked. I can’t take my eyes off of her. Do you think that this comes as a result of a cold, hard acessment of her feminine assests? I couldn’t do that–I love her too much. Believe your husband! Seriously, (and I want to say this kindly), what do you really know about how much a man appreciates female beauty? You say you don’t have any? There are parts of you that a man finds exceedingly wonderful.
“Do you really think that your husband is so shallow?” The answer for many women is yes. Because most of our lives, we’ve been told that physical appearance is huuuuuge for men; it’s how men are portrayed in everything from TV sitcoms to advice from old ladies at church. I agree with you entirely that this viewpoint shortchanges men, who — as you say — see their wives as a “package arrangement.” But the message that men just want a young, pretty woman is something many wives have to overcome in their lives. I appreciate husbands like you speaking up to dispel that myth!
J, there are two comments in my post that you did not answer that I would like to revisit (I don’t expect you to deal with everything ever “poster” writes). First, I don’t think that women are qualified to evaluate their body from their husband’s point of view. Should I mock an anteater for finding ants delicious? What does a women know about how wonderful her husband considers her body? If she is solidly heterosexual, she’s not attracted by the sight of a woman’s body. Men are. Don’t tell us we are lying or we don’t know what we’re talking about. We aren’t lying and we know EXACTLY what we’re talking about. I understand that women have been conditioned to think contrary to what their husbands are telling them, but they are WRONG. I know that you ladies tend to have this problem, but , do you see the error? A woman looks at her genitalia and declares it gross. Her husband looks at it and proclaims it more wonderful things than you can imagine. Second, love changes everything. It air brushes wrinkles and stretch marks and scars and every “flaw” that a woman has. Ladies, when your husband sings the praises of your body, shut out the siren song of the carnal media, and believe him. Strut and show and pose and give him peeks. He’ll love you even more for it.
Charlie O – Oh, I agree with you entirely! Yes, I believe absolutely that husbands see all that and have a deeper view of their wives. I just wanted to say that women really do struggle to believe it because so many other messages in their lives have claimed otherwise. They should believe it, but sometimes it takes a bit of time to recalibrate. Thanks for clarifying and giving the male point of view! Blessings.
I had to look up ‘Cindy Crawford’. Had heard the name, of course, but had no idea what she looked like. Not overly impressed.
J, I think you got it exactly right when you said it’s very largely a self-image/comparison problem, and I’d add that it’s fueled by the fact that women misunderstand men almost as much as men misunderstand women.
Appearance may count for a lot in flirting, it’s true, but I suspect that most men find far more value in warmth and kindness and a shared sense of fun, once they’ve left their early twenties behind. They want you for you, and at least subconsciously realize that Ms. Crawford would likely be a royal pain in the…uh, relationship.
In the male mind, familiarity brings comfort, and comfort, appreciation. A wife may be thin, or fat, or have surgical scars, but she’s ‘the one’.
Do eyes wander? Sure. Your husband may look at the bikini’d babe on the beach, but he no more wants to replace you with her, even in his mind, than you would like to be with the decathlete who just sprinted, shirtless, past your shared blanket on the sand. Appreciation of beauty is likely nothing more, yet it can be so easily be blown out of proportion into hurtful comparison.
And do take in those compliments! When your husband says, “I love your body”, he’s not just making an anatomical judgement…he’s saying I love your body because it’s yours, and because you’re mine, and I’m yours.
I sometimes notice good-looking men as well, but as you say, it means nothing more than, “nice view, moving on.” I think a woman also becomes more attractive to a man because of who they are; that is, as you say, being The One. You see in them appealing features both external and internal, and it just gives you a sense of the overall beauty of the person.
And I’ve seen your wife, Andrew. Cindy Crawford’s got nothing on her. 😉
Thank you for your honest words on your struggles with body image, J. Parker.
I had and sometimes still have them. However,
my husband’s physical desire for me trump’s any of my misgivings about body perfection. Lots of sex with my husband is my daily facelift. Married 48 yrs. God is good.
Yeah, this is entirely over for me either. I’m in a good overall place, but I still have moments. I love your daily facelift comment! Awesome. And 48 years? Wow. Congrats!
How true this is! I was just driving home with my wife and looking over at her and seeing her hair cascade on her shoulders and thinking “How did I get such a beautiful woman?” When it comes to sexual intimacy, the best part is always when my wife wants me to delight in her and knows that I do. Every time I see her body, I think of it as a grand unveiling. It’s new every time. Shaunti has a picture on her Facebook with a quote from a husband that says that when a husband undresses his wife, it’s like opening up a Christmas present. Good every time.
And I hate it when I compliment my wife and she argues against it. It stings to no end. Ladies. Learn this. We men love you and chose you and we are happy with you. You’re sitting there thinking “How can he want to have sex with me?” We’re thinking “I can’t believe I get to have sex with her!”
It really hurt my heart reading your story. I have a hard time understanding why someone who is thin has such a hard time believing they are beautiful. If a man is attracted enough when he first meets you then your body is more than enough for him. Now, a woman letting herself go is quite another story, but it’s always been strange to know that truly beautiful women see themselves as ugly.
I’m here to tell you that if you stay reasonably fit, your husband will love seeing you naked every single time he gets to. Also, the closer you are to him, the stronger your relationship, and the more high quality sex you have, the more he will think that no other woman holds a candle to you.
Brian, thanks so much! How kind of you. Yes, I know that “thin” seems like a good thing all around, but having talked to other woman who struggled with a lack of curves, I know that it’s more common than known to have body images when you’re a skinny woman. I’m no longer skinny quite like that, but I still remember all those years of feeling that way. It’s also interesting in that I wasn’t always in shape while being thin–people assumed so, but it wasn’t true. A size 2 woman can be totally out of shape and a size 14 woman could be in a great shape, so size isn’t a factor as much as being fit for the body you have. Which reminds me…I need to get back on my elliptical soon. 🙂
J, I’m very glad that you have come a long way, but I’ll say that the part that made me feel the deepest sympathy was where you shared that you got breast implants. I’m totally not saying that was wrong of you and I can totally empathize. I think if there was such a simple surgery for penis augmentation tons of men would do it. I guess we all want to be “enough” no matter what we are. In a way, insecurity is the root of all sin. I think Adam and Eve sinned in large part because they weren’t content in how they were made. They wanted to be more than what they were created to be.
Now, I do believe deeply in physical fitness. There is absolutely no downside to being more fit, and I believe it to biblical. There’s actually a growing trend that is a reaction to “unrealistic” body standards called the “fat acceptance” movement. I personally feel that this is a very bad thing despite the good intentions behind it.
I understand, Brian. I’m actually very cautious about getting any kind of plastic surgery, which is why I lay out a lot of questions wives should ask themselves before doing something so invasive. Altering our bodies should never be a cavalier decision.
Brian, sometimes it’s not the being thin part that makes us insecure. It’s other attributes along with it. Small breasts is one. I’m extremely petite so I have small “A cups”. My husband is a breast guy. It often goes through my head if he likes something I don’t have, then how can he like me? In my mind it often snowballs—I suddenly see all my stretch marks, or scars from a few years ago on my legs. And suddenly it doesn’t matter to me that I’m in shape. I do try not to argue or disagree with a compliment from him and simply say thank you—but it’s a battle.
JM0121
When your husband is complimenting your breasts’, it means they really do stimulate his eyes. It is obvious that he is a breast guy, because he likes your breasts’. The fact that you keep yourself physically fit only enhances your body.
“A” cups are extremely attractive to admire and look at and are just as sensitive to the touch than other cup sizes.
My petite wife has stretch marks, most women who have had kids are going to have them in one form or another, men understand that and we don’t look at them as unattractive.
There are women that would trade to have a body like yours. Your husband chose you for a lot of reasons and the fact that you and your breasts’ can still light his fire enough for him to compliment you, should help you realize he is being authentic.
When I compliment my wife’s breasts’ she might say something like, “well they sure love your touch” but usually she will lean close enough so I can feather touch or kiss her nipples. (among other things)
I say, when the moment is right to go ahead and flaunt them every change you get, especially if they need your husbands feather touching, as it will expose to him confident desire you have with him.
Mark
Just because your husband is a “breast guy” doesn’t at all mean that smaller ones are less exciting for him. On a fit woman especially, I think they are extremely beautiful and I would bet your husband thinks so. I definitely can’t speak for all men on this and there are probably a few men that do get turned on more by larger breasts, but I think men don’t care very much at all about the size of boobs in general. By the way, I’m not saying this to make you feel better, and if I thought it wasn’t true I wouldn’t be saying this. Your husband had every opportunity to marry another woman with larger breasts, and he instead chose you. That means he prefers the exact size boobs that you have over every other set of breasts in the world.
Ladies, either men are shallow pigs, in which case we chose to marry the best looking woman we could find and you should therefore know that you are beautiful to your husband, or we liked more about you than your appearance. Either way, worrying about aspects of your body you can’t change doesn’t make much sense.
What about things that WERENT there when you married? Scars, stretch marks, wrinkles?
I guess the 5 year age difference has caused more insecurity over the years rather than less. (I’m older than him) I know it’s not fair to put my insecurities on him—I’ve even worked on it in therapy but it is an ongoing process that is harder at times than others.
JM0121, I would be willing to bet that none of that matters one little bit. I can’t speak for your husband but men have a way of being understanding about aging. If he loves you, and I’m sure he does, he probably looks at your scars and wrinkles as signs of the life you’ve built together and the children you’ve had together. If you love him and do the best you can to show him and make him feel loved, he will see the same smoking hot girl he married. Take care of your body, but you need to trust him if he says he loves the way you look.
JM0121 – What about the things on his body that weren’t there? I don’t know about you men out there, but my husband has a little less hair, more wrinkles, and not quite as hard of muscles as when we married…and I think he’s sexy as all get-out. We actually talked yesterday about the beauty of aging together, knowing that our wrinkles are really laugh lines of a life shared together. Same thing with my belly: it’s a reminder of the children we raised together. I’m not saying I always remember these things in the moment, but when I purposefully call them to mind, my heart settles.
Yes, it is a battle. However, your husband clearly chose you, knowing what that entailed. For many “breast men,” just breasts generally are awesome, meaning that size isn’t so much a factor as the fact that you have them and that you share them with him. 🙂
I love two last two sentences! Fabulous. And I think that encapsulates how a lot of husbands feel. Thanks, Nick!
Thank you for all your honest input, I was considering the new procedure, of taking fat from adominal, what is your opinion? I am so very very small, smaller than for a training bra. thank you so very much.
I know a woman who had that procedure for a breast cancer/mastectomy reconstruction, and she said it was great: got a boob job and a tummy tuck at the same time! Lol. That said, I don’t know anything about the procedure on the whole. This woman was older, and I don’t know if this option is good for younger woman. I’d simply tell you to do a lot of research, check out what people who’ve had the procedure say (online forums are great for that), and if you decide to pursue it, interview more than one plastic surgeon and be very clear about your goals. Blessings!
Also, nice all men think large breasts are the most attractive. Some men really do prefer small ones. But either way, of all the things your husband cares about, I can just about guarantee the size of your boobs is at the absolute bottom.
Cherie,
If you are married, then it is in my view that your husband is very attracted to your petite size. He chose you above any other, so I think you would be taking a risk with your health by altering your lovely body.
My wife is also petite in size and in truth, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Her body (including her breast/nipples) is very sensitive to the touch and by altering it may change that.
It isn’t unusual to experience body image issues, as I went through that in my youth and early part of my marriage as I wanted my equipment underneath my belt-line to be huge.
It seems as if, we see imperfections that don’t exist or magnify a perceive flaw, like a freckle or something, when that is what makes us appealing to our partner, which is one of the things that made them look our way, in the first place.
Some cases, B cup women want A cups, while others want C. Some with D’s want bigger while others want A’s.
The way you described yourself, is you are a very healthy woman, with a very nice figure and that is one the things that your husband. (regardless of the size of other women’s breast, your partner chose you above them)
Men admire most size breasts’ and yours is just as beautiful. Men appreciate petite and plus-size women.
Embrace who you are as a woman, realize your body is poetry in motion, a work of art and raw beauty, if you do that you will realize that your breasts’ are perfect knowing they are stimulating your husband’s eyes, think about that with confidence, the next time you are wearing something sexy, shedding your clothes, taking a shower with your husband or in a naked embrace.
Trust me, your breasts’ are perfect.
Mark
Love you J and all your tips on being body positive. 😀
Aw, thank you, Keelie! <3
Excellent post J. As a husband it makes me sad to see my wife (along with many other wives) struggle with their body image and believing that they aren’t “enough” for their husbands.
“I remember lying naked in bed with my husband above me, and all I could think was how small my breasts were — how desperately I wished I had more to share with him.”
As the husband of a woman with small breasts let me reassure all wives who are on the smaller side that your husbands greatly delight in what you have. Sure, there are some jerks out there but the majority of husbands are more than content with the size of their wife’s breasts.
I knew my wife was small long before I married her but it didn’t matter to me. I wanted her and loved every part of her. I can’t tell you how much joy and pleasure my wife’s breasts have brought to me every single day of our married life. I delight seeing them every time she changes clothes or when we lay in the bed making love. I enjoy caressing them and I can’t touch them enough. My wife has even brought me to climax using only her breasts.
Thankfully my wife doesn’t struggle with feelings of inadequacy about her breasts (although she does struggle with other body image issues). I don’t know if I could take it if she tried covering them up and hiding them from me.
To all women out there please please please please believe your loving husbands when they say that your body is perfect. What I have written above is exactly how your husband feels about the body parts you think are “imperfect and should be hidden”.
If you think something needs to be changed do it for the reasons J mentioned. Don’t do it because you think you can’t please your husband with the body you currently have. You can.
SLS
Your comment has me in tears. How hard it is to believe.
I had just gotten comfortable with being small breasted… and then we had three kids who really took a toll on my breasts. I didn’t know it was even possible for less than A cups to sag, much less sagging nipples! My husband tells me he loves the way I look, but I know he has a hard time thinking about how my breasts and belly used to look. I don’t even want him to look at the front of my naked body anymore. It hurts too much.
K,
When your husband proclaims to you that he loves your breasts’ and nipples, he means it. Your breasts/nipples stimulate his eyes.
We do tend to think about the way we look in our youth, especially before getting married, but that shouldn’t minimize how attracted we are to our wives.
Your husband has the hot’s for you and you can be rest assured if you are naked and you approach him giving him full frontal view of your body right before you crawl into bed to make love to him, it will be a major turn on to him.
Not only are you giving him a view of your lovely body but you are also exposing to him that you are on fire and totally into him.
Mark
I have a friend who said she was once complaining about her breasts sagging, and her husband said with a big smile on his face, “As long as they sag near me, it’s all good!”
This was actually a hard post to write, to be completely honest about my feelings in the moment. Because my husband never indicated anything other than what you say and our sex life was very good, but these worries had taken years and many experience to form so it was hard to let them go. I think a lot of wives WANT to believe their husbands, but they struggle anyway. Reading comments like these, however, can really help wives confirm the real truth and a more positive view. Thanks!
I’m looking forward to feeling like that again. I used to feel so adored and treasured by my husband and was totally crazy over him. Our sex life, friendship, and fun times were growing as our kids left the baby and toddler years behind. When I found out that he’d been using porn and ogling pics of young beautiful women for our whole marriage, despite knowing that I wasn’t okay with it, while lovingly reassuring me that he wasn’t…it’s like more than just my heart broke. Even though he’s hopefully put porn and ogling behind him, I just can’t stop being triggered by every scantily clad young thing that enters his view, and I worry that they’ll trigger him to go back to porn. I still feel like I’m pretty cute and a good wife overall, I feel like I should totally be enough to thrill his socks off, but I feel like he finds me inadequate. I never used to worry much over the sight of other women, because I thought he thought more like with me…notice, appreciate, and move on. I feel like I want it explained over and over to me how a man can lust over other women, yet still love his wife until I believe it.
Fern, my heart aches for you. Yes, I think a lot of men do not understand how a porn habit can rip apart the self-confidence of their wives. Porn is wrong on so many fronts, but the damage it does to a wife in this regard can take a while to heal. I hope you’re both getting some help with this, and I encourage you to find someone to talk to (counselor, mentor, another wife who’s been through this and healed, etc.). Blessings!
Looking over these comments, it occurs to me how much happier many women could be if they would just believe their husbands.
And the same goes for us husbands.
I’ve told my husband, I’ll believe him when he believes it himself. It’s hard to hear him say he likes XYZ about me when he’s also critiqued me in the past, and admits it is hard for him to not think of how I used to look before kids. Which… I look pretty darn good for having three kids. I am still the same weight as before having them.
K,
Hopefully the critiquing from the past won’t continue, but instead he will rediscover what is inside your heart.
I admit, I’ve done a lot of regrettable critiquing to my own spouse, I did a lot of prayer and meditating to address it, fortunately she has forgiven me.
I don’t think this is a body issue, but instead a connection issue. Some men (and even women) take a lot longer to figure out what emotional connection is.
You could make all the critiquing adjustments and he would try and do more critiquing. That should change as he matures, maybe into his 40’s and 50’s, when he has done some serious re-evaluating of seeing what is inside himself and see what is inside your heart.
First, he’ll realize how we communicate matters. He realize some of the things and vibes he is sending you are hurtful.
Then hopefully one of you might ask the other, to define their definition of emotional connection is, Maybe he might say when you are hurt he feels pain, or smile when you are happy. Instead of critiquing you, he critique himself. Embracing the same goals and interest without colliding, but instead discover compromises. Maybe he might catch himself if things get “testy” or mutually insulting one another and say, “oops, lets stay calm and navigate through a disagreement in a polite and civilized manner” Maybe he’ll (and you) will realize that “over-critiquing or yelling” is simply force feeding one another’s will on each other.
Maybe he’ll realize mutual politeness in having a discussion is what truly stimulates one another’s mind and when you and he are able to communicate like that, you and he will constantly be able to see the inward and outward beauty that brought you together in the first place and now with emotional connection have taken it to a whole new level.
I waited too long,, I never even heard of the term “emotional connection” until I was in my late 40’s, neither did my sweet wife, how could we? our own parents weren’t connected so we had no mentors, to teach us how to truly understand (or hear each other) that how we communicate and say, really matters in solving our differences.Like how we want our kids to be raised, but also how we communicate in front of them, or how we reprimand them.
This is what stimulates the mind. Fortunately we are there, but waiting until age 55 or 56 is too long to get there. (I’m 58 now)
As he ages and re-evaluates his words and past, he’ll realize that he needs to embrace and savor every second, of every minute, of every day he has with you, because tomorrow is promised to no-one. (and you do the same)
In the mean time, he will always pick you to be his wife and lover. His physical attraction will be stronger as you and he age, more so than in your youth. He will undress you with his eyes in the middle of the day, as you are the girl of his dreams.
Mark
Oooohh, good post, but I struggle with this a lot. A LOT. And I’m sorry, I tried being open minded and believing that all women have insecurities, but I find it so hard to believe that petite, small, or thin women can find anything to struggle with.
I’m 5’9”. I bounce between 150 and 160 pounds and Ive been this size since I was 14 years old. I do have bigger breasts, and I’ve been made fun of for that, too. I would trade body types with any of the petite, thin, small breasted women on here in a nanosecond. I have never known what it’s like to be tiny, feminine, or beautiful. I try and I’ve gotten a little better at believing the things my husband says, but I really feel deep down he’d prefer a petite and thinner woman to me any day of the week. I could lose 50 pounds and I’d still be a size 8. I just don’t shrink. And I exercise. A lot. I’m just a “big girl” as the women in my family like to call me.
But anyway, yeah, I have the opposite issue. I’m too big. I’d love to be able to wear feminine tops and spaghetti straps. I’d love to be able to wear a button down blouse without having to worry about gaps. I’d love to never, ever again be referred to as a “big girl” or an “Amazon”. I’d love to be able to feel feminine.
Also ladies, even just based on the comments here, most men prefer small women, short women, and small busted women. Many men who commented pointed out how much they prefer their wives to be smaller busted. You ARE beautiful. Accept it and enjoy it. I envy you greatly.
And I envy the women who can just go get breast implants. It’s great that you can do what makes you feel better. I don’t really have that option. I can’t have surgery to get shorter or shrink the size of my skeleton. I will never know what it’s like to be a size 4. Please realize just how blessed you are.
I’m sure if I woke up tomorrow 5’2” and a size 4 and an A cup, my husband would be absolutely delighted! So yes, I have a hard time believing he finds me even acceptable, let alone beautiful.
But I’ve gotten better at accepting it and dealing with what is.
My point is, smaller ladies, be happy. You are the definition of feminine and beautiful.
B—“And I’m sorry, I tried being open minded and believing that all women have insecurities, but I find it so hard to believe that petite, small, or thin women can find anything to struggle with.”
Thin women here snide comments all the time. It’s the way people are. For as many men that prefer petite there are men that prefer curves and a more hourglass figure.
I’m small but I really HATE wearing shorts or sundresses in the summer. Both shins on my legs have scars. It makes me incredibly self conscious. I’ve had those nosy people that walk up and just ask, “what happened to your legs”
Small chested women dont always have enough to hold up some tops or strapless dresses. LOL. Being a size doesn’t make all insecurities go away. We all have our own based on things we’ve heard throughout our lives, things we perceive differently than everyone else, or whatever reasons we have for not likely something about the way we look.
JM0121, I’m sorry if I was offensive, I didn’t mean to be. I was just surprised to read so many comments from smaller women who had insecurities. I’ll admit this comes from my own insecurities, my desire to be smaller, and my firmly held belief that petite = beauty. (Plus every single girlfriend my husband had before me was petite and pretty. I’ve always thought he regrets not marrying a woman that fit his type.)
I’m sorry if you’ve heard snide comments. I know how hurtful that is. I wish we could all just build each other up. That being said, when I’m around thin women, I always feel like they’re judging me and thinking about how much better they are. (Again, this probably stems from being ridiculed endlessly by my petite sisters). I shouldn’t judge all women based on the actions of my relatives.
Thanks for helping me think about these things. I still think my husband would much prefer a petite woman, but I’m working on believing he might be okay with my body.
No no, it wasn’t offensive to me. I just wanted you to know it isn’t the magic recipe for not feeling insecure about your body. 🙂
Not in relation to weight or body type, but there was the Dove video a few years ago. Woman had to describe themselves to a sketch artist and someone else had to describe them to the artist. The difference in the sketches was amazing. Look up Dove Real Beauty Sketches-You are more beautiful than you think (its about 6 min long)
You sound much like my wife. Same height/weight/size, same desire to be “petite,” same inability to believe your husband likes you the way you are 🙂
It’s sad – I wonder if any women out there are happy the way God made them.
I really don’t agree with what you said B. It’s not really accurate to say “Well the women with big breasts are beautiful” or “The women with small ones are.” What makes my wife’s beautiful is they are hers. It’s not the size. It’s knowing that I get to treasure her and love her and her size doesn’t change that.
If a wife’s husband doesn’t love her as she is, that’s his problem to work on. Of course, this is excluding seriously unhealthy or dangerous behavior.
B, I feel that you missed not only the point of this post, but of all the comments from the men. You read men commenting in response to women complaining about how they hate thier petite size, and took from it that men all love very petite women and that because you aren’t petite that you aren’t beautiful to your husband. If that is what you took away from all of this then I’m not sure you’ll listen to me either but I want to try.
You seem to be so deep in your insecurities that you are only seeing things that you think support your view that you aren’t attractive. I want you to know that you are wrong and you need to stop. When you refuse to see yourself as beautiful and refuse to acknowledge that your husband sees you are beautiful you are doing damage to yourself, your marriage, and your husband. You are falling for Satan’s lies and he is the only one winning when you do this.
Your husband thought you were so beautiful when he married you that he committed to waking up beside you every day for the rest of his life. By deciding that your husband couldn’t possibly see you are attractive you are calling him an idiot. Odds are he’s not an idiot. He saw you as ravishing and had to have you. Trust his judgment at least in this area. We men know what we like and you aren’t qualified to tell him that he doesn’t really find you attractive.
Stop calling yourself ugly. Stop saying you’re an Amazon, unless it’s because you think amazons are beautiful (have you not seen Wonder Woman?). You were beautiful enough to your husband when he married you that he couldn’t stand the thought of being without you. That should be more than enough for you.
Hi Brian,
Yes, you’re not the first person to tell me these things. I’ve been working on this for a long time. You are right, I am deep in my insecurities, but not nearly as deep as I used to be.
There’s so much backstory I’ve shared in the past so I’ll spare you here. But the good news is, I am making progress in this area. While I’m not sure I’ll ever see myself as beautiful, I am trying so hard to believe that my husband might think I’m at least okay. Baby steps. If you knew me, this is HUGE progress.
One thing, I have NEVER called myself “Amazon”. That is a hurtful, hateful term that was hurled at me in a malicious way over and over again throughout my entire life. I personally think it is one of the most hurtful things you can call a person. Zillions of times I heard “look out! Here comes the Amazon woman!” Or “Hey Amazon, here’s your t shirt. They got you a large since you can’t fit into a small like a normal girl.” Or “maybe more guys would ask you out if they weren’t afraid you’d beat them and drag them back to your cave”. Not exactly the most confidence building talk.
When my husband first asked me out I thought he had lost his mind. I was lifeguarding at the beach where he spent a lot of time. Didn’t he realize guys weren’t supposed to be interested in “big girls” like me? I honestly thought he was making fun of me. So did my oldest sister, who was very angry when she found out about it. So yes, I’ve got some baggage that I’m FINALLY starting to shed.
So no, I didn’t miss the point of the post. I found it incredibly helpful. I was just kind of shocked to hear that petite women (who I think ARE very blessed and very beautiful) had similar insecurities about their bodies. I thought that was something they never had to struggle with. Of course I knew they had insecurities, I just didn’t think they’d be insecure about their bodies. So I was surprised. You know the point in the beginning of the post where J mentions she’d talked to enough women to realize we all had issues? Well I haven’t talked to other women about this stuff. On these blogs, yes, but in real life, no, not really. So I’m learning things I didn’t realize before.
Thank you for taking the time to reply.
B, I’m very glad to hear that you are working on things. I’m sorry if I sounded too harsh as well. I’ve read your comments on several posts and I’ve really been wanting you to stop seeing yourself in the way that you have. Of course this isn’t easy for any of us, and I’ve had body image struggles as well. I’m sure there is stuff I don’t know about that contributed to all of this, but we all need to see these lies for what they are. It’s hurting us all and hurting our marriages.
I can assure you it’s very possible to be discontent with your body as a smaller woman. I grew up a grade below my two brothers (twins), and they mercilessly insulted me about my physical appearance all through middle and high school years. One of my brothers has since apologized and explained that he didn’t want me to be a sl*t. Nice, right?
I get comments all the time when I’m at the store with my kids— people surprised how good I look for having 3 toddlers, so I realize I am very blessed… But when the one whose opinion matters more than anyone else’s has said things contrary to that, it sure is hard. I feel confident when I am fully clothed, knowing I occasionally still catch men looking at me (which is another issue entirely), but strip me of my clothes in front of my husband and I feel all too vulnerable.
My husband is a recovering porn addict, and it shows in various ways. He has told me he would love it if I could gain weight (I am 110lbs, 5’3”, A cup)… I remind him the weight wouldn’t automatically go to my butt and boobs (and include a major eye roll), he has mentioned he misses my non-stretch marked belly, he has said he wishes he wasn’t addicted to porn before we had kids so he could have enjoyed my body more then (which says to me there isn’t anything left to enjoy)… I am thankful that I don’t have a flat butt, as that seems to be the only thing he has always seemed satisfied with. It sucks. Why would I possibly feel confident naked in front of him?
He has really been cautious with his words ever since we’ve begun fighting the battle against lust together, but it sure is hard to forget what has been said and believe that his heart has changed.
Perhaps this makes it more clear how a small, “attractive” woman could still have body insecurities.
Hi K,
I apologize again if I came off as offensive to petite women. I didn’t mean to imply that they couldn’t, shouldn’t, or in some way didn’t deserve to have body insecurities, I was just honestly surprised that they did. In my family, being small was praised, and being larger was made fun of. My sisters proudly wore bikinis, but I was always told I was too big and too fat to dress like a woman. (We weren’t Christians growing up, so modesty wasn’t really part of the equation.) I was also teased mercilessly throughout my entire life – all through school, even on my wedding day, and still on holidays I get a healthy dose of put downs. I can deal with it much better now, but it’s still annoying. Oh how I wish teasing wasn’t a thing. It can be so hurtful if it’s relentless. My children are not allowed to tease each other about appearance. I know the insecurity it can lead to.
I’m sorry for what you’ve been going through. I will pray for you and your husband.
K, I think it’s very natural to have the kind of insecurity you have given the comments your husband has made in the past. I’m very sorry you’ve gone through that, but I want to give you some hope. I’m a man that was very close to throwing my marriage away, and at the worst part of it I didn’t find my wife attractive anymore at all. Our relationship is in a very different place now, and I haven’t viewed porn or anything of the sort for a long time now. As a result, I see my wife in a completely different light.
Her body hasn’t changed much since the times we were at our darkest moments, but I am very much attracted to her now. If I changed so can your husband. I know it will be a long time to repair the damage I caused to her, just as it will be for you. But don’t give up! Work on your marriage together and do things to fill up his love tank, and I can promise that you will be the only thing he ever wants to see.
B
5’9″ 150 to 160 lbs, is a very lovely figure, so believe your husband as he obviously knows what he is talking about.
My wife is 5’1″ and she weighs more than 160 lbs and she has a lovely figure.
I think most of us have experienced negative body images of ourselves at one time or another. (surprisingly, I think models suffer the greatest)
The main thing is that we continue to mentally nurture and allow emotional connection that exists to keep growing between our spouses.
If we all women had the same body type, and all men were the same, that would make all of us ordinary, boring.
Interestingly, I think many petite size women would love to have a figure like yours and my impression, is you’d rather be petite.
You husband is crazy about your body, so flaunt it and stimulate his eyes.
B, your final sentence was this one: “My point is, smaller ladies, be happy. You are the definition of feminine and beautiful.” WHAT?! We are NOT the definition of feminine and beautiful. I’ve been begging you for years, and I will keep on ;), to check your self-talk with stuff like this! God created a variety of women, meaning that He believes a lot of different sizes can be feminine and beautiful. Stop dissing all of God’s handiwork that doesn’t conform to some crazy ideal!
And yeah, some days I want to throttle those relatives who labeled you a “big girl.” Good gravy, the last time any woman wants to be called a “big girl” is when she’s potty-trained.
All body types have image issues, and I encourage you to stop comparing with others and just deal with your own. May I also point out that your husband didn’t marry any of those petite women; he married you. My husband mostly dated taller women before me too, but it turned out that his perfect partner was in a 5’4″ package and now that’s what he likes. ❤ you, B!
Spot on J. I was thinking about this after my last comment and I was pretending to be a scientist observing this situation. If any scientists were to watch B’s husband before he married her, they would have seen him date several smaller, more petite women and eventually break up with them all. Then they would’ve observed him date, stay with, and decide to make a lifelong commitment to a larger woman. I think any rational observer would reasonably conclude that he doesn’t prefer smaller petite women. When he found a woman the exact size, shape, and personality of B, he wrote a check for life.
Is there any stronger evidence than this that what you’ve concluded all these years is seriously flawed B? Your relatives and anyone else that teased you for not being small were wrong and probably saying these things as a result of their own deep insecurities. I’m not a big man. I’m 5’9 which is dead average in height. Most women prefer taller men. Should I feel less masculine because I’m not 6’2”? Of course not. My wife wanted me the way I was.