Today’s guest post comes to you from April Truitt at A Wife’s Recovery from an Affair and is part of the Sexual Healing and Wholeness Series.
By April Truitt
Life doesn’t always turn out as we expect does it? In those shocking, heartbreaking moments, when we are faced with something big that changes our lives forever, we must choose if we are going to place our broken life into God’s hands.
Last June, my husband and I ran the Tough Mudder together. On our way to the event, I had a sense of hope for our future. We had been in counseling since the previous December to work on our marriage in general, and to help my husband process painful memories of childhood sexual abuse that he’d never dealt with. Previously, he was in bondage to the abuse, and it impacted his fantasy life, leading to sinful patterns. My husband experienced months of depression and shed many tears as he tried to face these painful memories, rather than continuing to bury them after all those years. Because of this, he was transformed by the love of God. My husband was finally experiencing freedom in this area and we now had the tools to better communicate with each other. I was feeling hopeful, in love with him, and looking forward to an upcoming move to a new town.
After our weekend mud run, we went to a routine counseling session. I remember thinking how I felt we were doing well and that we had been given the tools we needed to work on our marriage. I really didn’t think we needed to continue our counseling for long. But, shortly after sitting down in this particular session, I sensed that my life was about to change. I braced myself to hear what was about to come from my husband’s mouth. I knew I was not going to like what I heard. I remember sitting there in a fog, feeling like time just slowed down. Then the dreaded words came. My husband confessed to having an affair.
I desperately wished I could go back before the confession. I didn’t want to face it. But I had to and I knew my life was already radically changed whether I wanted it to be or not.
There were many emotions- shock, anger, pride, hurt, grief, and disbelief. I sought out a friend that very day who also had gone through the pain of an affair 5 years earlier. But she and her husband had stayed together and were restored. As we walked for several hours together that day, I had many questions for her, one of which was about sex. I asked how long they waited before having sex again. She firmly felt God wanted her to fight for her marriage, so she had made the choice to stay. And she said because she decided to stay they continued their sexual intimacy several days later.
For several days I was very emotional and withdrawn from him. I was afraid that it would be too emotionally painful for me to have sex. My husband wasn’t pushing me for sex; he was respecting my space and timing. Despite this and the pain of betrayal I felt, I still wanted to be close to him, I wanted sex. Sex had always made me feel wanted, loved, and secure in many ways. I grew up holding sex high on a pedestal. I felt it was the best gift I could give to my husband on our wedding day and saved myself for him.
I initiated the first time after the confession. My husband asked if I was sure I wanted to, all I knew in that moment was that I wanted to be comforted in his embrace. What I was not counting on was the rush of passion and intimacy that occurred after we came back together. There was a longing in my heart to bond in sexual intimacy with him. I had felt a distance in our sex life all these months, attributing it to his past abuse, but now I understood fully what it was. He had kept the secret of the affair between us. And it had divided us, even when I didn’t know, it was there creating separation in our sexual intimacy. Although there was still emotional pain, there was also a deeper intimacy between us for the first time because all the cards were on the table. True intimacy can happen when we are fully honest with each other. Essentially, that is what true nakedness was designed to be. To be fully transparent and open with each other.
The first time, I didn’t cry. There were other times I did. But it was ok. And it is good for your spouse to see the pain they have caused you, and for you both to be able to grieve together. What increased our intimacy, was holding each other after sex and even during, if crying occurred then, to grieve and support one another.
We had regular intercourse, but one thing that I held back from for a while was allowing him to have oral sex with me. That was a very vulnerable thing for me. For me to orgasm there needed to be a level of trust and that was broken. Because my mind struggled with these thoughts and painful emotions, I needed a break in this area. My husband did share the basics of when the affair occurred and answered my questions. I knew it would not be helpful to know all details and tried to use wisdom with what I asked. I did want to know though if anything of the sexual act had been reserved for me. The knowledge that oral sex had also been a part of the affairhurt deeply, as that had been a special part of our sex life to me.
One of the difficulties I had to face was my imagination. I couldn’t get her out of my mind during sex. I know some women may never meet the other woman, I did. in fact, she was someone close to me. She was someone I felt inferior to in appearance and personality. Comparing myself with her was a battle. I knew her well, and I also knew that she had many lovers in her past. I worried that her sex was better than mine, and that my husband preferred her. But that wasn’t true.
I found comfort in the fact my husband chose me over her. When he confessed, he was exposing the affair and ending it, but he risked losing me as well. I had all but told him if anything like this happened I would say ugly words to him and be out the door without a backwards glance, so he rightly feared telling me. All I can say is that my response is never what I thought it would be. It is totally of God. God gave grace in the face of the impossible. The verse we clung to as a couple that God laid on our hearts is Isaiah 43:19. “Look I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.”
God is doing something new in us. He’s making our marriage richer than its ever been and bringing us closer to Him than we’ve ever been before.
I started blogging about my story and recovery at A Wife’s Recovery From An Affair. I have found healing in writing because I can see where I was, where God has taken me, and all that He has taught me.
Here are a few things that helped me in our intimacy and healing after an affair:
- For a while, we kept the lights on. I wanted him to see me and know he was having sex with me. It made me feel more secure.
- Grieving together made a big difference in bonding and healing.
- Pray, pray, pray. God created sex. He, too, cares about our sexual intimacy and healing.
- Seeing my husband’s repentance was huge in allowing me to open up to him and respond sexually to him.
- Outside of the bedroom we needed to have some time together to date, do something fun, and bond together.
Shortly after the confession, God kept showing me Scriptures about mountains. I strongly identified the affair as being a major mountain in my life. One night I was so depressed and discouraged I crawled into bed with my Bible and pulled the covers over my head. I started reading, desperately wanting to hear from God. I came upon this passage and my heart stopped:
“See, I will make you into a sharp threshing board, new, with many teeth. You will thresh mountains and pulverize them and make hills into chaff. You will winnow them, and a wind will carry them away, a gale will scatter them. But you will rejoice in the Lord; you will boast in the Holy One of Israel.” Isaiah 41:15b-16
I cried and said the name of Jesus over and over. He was comforting me and giving me hope. And I WILL boast in HIM. HE has done this, not me. HE has healed and restored and continues to work in our marriage.
Friend, I know this journey is hard and it seems overwhelming. It takes time to heal. And to get a sort of normalcy in your marriage and sex life after this kind of betrayal. But keep trying, keep praying. And cling to a God who loves you and who can do the impossible.
Image credit neoloky at pixabay.com
About the Author
April Truitt blogs at A Wife’s Recovery from an Affair.
I am a child of God, wife, mom and Christian singer/songwriter. I love crafts, nature, reading, Zumba, and dates with my husband.
I've moved! While you can peruse the archives here, I am no longer posting at The Forgiven Wife.
Please join me at Honeycomb & Spice.
Ladies, if you're interested in joining me for a study of Juli Slattery's new book God, Sex, and Your Marriage, time is running out! Our study begins with introductions on February 26, 2023, but the study will be open to join until March 5.
