Men sometimes talk about women playing games and being manipulative.
Most of the time, I think they assume it is manipulation because they don’t understand how women communicate. Quite often women are NOT being manipulative; rather, they are communicating with their husbands in the ways they are designed to communicate, not understanding that men do best with a different approach.
A couple of my blogging friends have recently written about this:
First You Have to Know – The Generous Husband
Why He Thinks It’s a Game – The XY Code
He’s Not As Careful with His Words – The XY Code
Q&A with J: Do Women Try to Manipulate Men? – Hot, Holy & Humorous
Their posts have gotten me thinking about what manipulation actually looks like.
Manipulation is about managing or controlling someone. Definitions tend to include notions like unfair, sneaky, and unscrupulous. The intention behind manipulation is to control and to use dishonest means to do so.
Sadly, I know very well how manipulation looks because I used to manipulate my husband. I also know how much the accusation of manipulation hurts (even when it is true).
Motive, and Why It Matters
The sad truth is this: the desire to manipulate someone never comes from a place of wholeness and joy.
Does that make manipulation okay? Absolutely not. It does, however, point us to how we might address it.
My manipulativeness grew out of my selfishness, fear, and lack of trust (in my husband and in God). It came from the dark and hidden corners of my heart. The goal of my manipulation was to influence my husband’s actions—but the motive behind this goal was my own hurt.
When I understood this about myself, it helped shine a light on the areas where I needed to grow and heal.
I had to unlearn the habits of manipulation and learn how to apply the Golden Rule in my interactions with my husband. Learning good habits was a good start—but it wasn’t enough. I could learn to do the right thing, but if my heart hadn’t changed, my desire to manipulate eventually would have won over again.
Even more than working to change my habits, then, I had to work on the heart and soul issues that were behind my manipulation.
As I found healing and changed my habits, my heart was transformed.
Instead of wanting to control my husband so he does what I want, I encourage him to do what he needs.
My heart is in the right place.
How It Looks
We often say that actions speak louder than words. Unfortunately, sometimes we mistranslate what those actions are saying. On the surface, manipulation and compassion might not look entirely different.
Consider these examples:
He does the dishes, because she’s complained in the past and he is hoping she will agree to sex.
He does the dishes, because he knows she works hard and wants to give her a break so she can relax.
She tells him she is tired, because she wants him to know that he shouldn’t ask for sex.
She tells him she is tired, because she wants to share what her life is like today because sharing helps her feel connected to him.
He voluntarily does minor repairs around the house, because he doesn’t want her to have grounds to complain when he tells her he is spending Saturday golfing with his buddies.
He voluntarily does minor repairs around the house, because he wants her to know he cares about her even though he is spending Saturday golfing with his buddies.
She tells him that he needs to attend an event so the group knows that they can count on him, because she’s trying to guilt him into going so she has the evening alone.
She tells him he needs to attend an event so the group knows that they can count on him, because she knows how much honor means to him and he would feel bad about himself if people thought they couldn’t count on him.
He kisses her softly on the back of the neck, trying to turn her on because he wants to have sex.
He kisses her softly on the back of the neck, knowing that it will help her body and mind make the transition to sex later.
She moans during sex, because she is bored and knows that moans will make him finish more quickly.
She moans during sex, because she likes the way she feels and because she knows that moans will add to her husband’s arousal and it’s been difficult for him lately.
In each set, the first example is one of manipulation, and the second is one of compassion—but the actions are exactly the same.
The Bible tells us,
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Philippians 2:3-4
I know that there are certain ways I can do things that will influence my husband’s actions. If I do them for my own selfish reasons, it is wrong. It is manipulation.
However, if I do those same things out of love and compassion for my husband, those actions come from a good place in my heart, with motives that are right.
My actions now don’t always look different from before—but they ARE different, because my heart and motive are different.
Know Your Heart
If your husband accuses you of playing games or says that you are manipulative, I know it can sting.
First, I want to encourage you to have compassion for him—even if he is completely wrong about you being manipulative.
I suspect that some of his reaction might come from his own heart issues. If I already question my worth or feel inadequate, I just might perceive someone else’s efforts to influence me as an attempt to prove my low worth or my inadequacy. I’m going to respond from a place of my own hurt rather than from a place of assuming the best.
It’s possible that his accusation that you are manipulating him and just playing games might say as much about him as about you.
Or, it might mean that you and he should both read the articles I linked to at the beginning of this post to learn about perception and communication.
Second, I want you to look honestly at your own heart.
Are you trying to influence your husband’s actions out of your own self-interest? If you find yourself responding to any of the examples above with thoughts like, But he . . . , I have to do that because . . . , or If I didn’t do it that way then he would . . . , you might be trying to manipulate him.
If you influence him to make your own life easier, or more predictable, then you might be trying to manipulate him.
Friend, if you do manipulate your husband, you can still hang out with me. I get it, because that was me for many years.
I know it doesn’t come from a good place. I know it means that you carry some hurt and fear.
I call you come to a better place. Work on the heart issues that drive your habit of manipulation—and not just because it will help you become less manipulative. Do it because you need—and deserve—healing.
Your actions that come from a healed heart might not look a whole lot different from before—but they will be different nonetheless.
With a heart that is right and whole , your efforts to influence your husband will shine God’s light into his life. And that, my friend, is a very good motive indeed.
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This is excellent! I love your examples of how an action can look the same, but what’s in our heart really matters. Thank you for this wonderful treatment of the topic.
Thank you, J. To those who aren’t close to us, our marriage doesn’t look much different than it did before–because what we do isn’t significantly different. Our family and close friends, however, see beneath the surface and see that there is a new heart to us.
Great post Chris! I like the list of examples of how manipulation and compassion can look alike on the outside. A wrong assumption about which it is can really make a mess there.
You also said “The sad truth is this: the desire to manipulate someone never comes from a place of wholeness and joy.” This is certainly true, and sometimes it comes from brokenness that is the fault of the one being manipulated. If someone is not given any power, or is never listened to, they may turn to manipulation as their only option. I’m not suggesting that makes it okay, but it may be something the one being manipulated needs to consider.
It’s so easy to identify something as manipulation and either a) be wrong, or b) assign malicious intent to that manipulation. In every situation where I have witnessed manipulation, it has been clear that it comes out of hurt and fear. When we can respond to manipulation from a place of compassion, it turns it from something that seems like combat into something that allows us to show Christ’s love and shine light. Compassion may not end the manipulation, but it can certainly change how we respond or feel about it.
That list of examples came from something of an epiphany for me. I was thinking about what I used to do that was manipulative and realized that I still do many of the same things–but I do them for completely different reasons.
Absolutely eye opening and thought provoking! Being a female, I’m always wondering why someone behaves as they do and sadly, many times I assume the worst. Why?
Thank you for reminding me that it is good to always think the best of others first, for I know not their reality.
Thank you!
I find that when I can think of even one reason why someone might be doing something hurtful or upsetting, it helps me not take it personally.
Unfortunately, my husband grew up in a toxic environment with women who would emotionally and verbally (and probably sexually) manipulate their husbands and other family members. So, I have to be REALLY careful how I approach and word things. It is exhausting at times and simple comments or requests have turned into full blown arguments in.02 seconds because he immediately goes on the defense with every “gun” out. His biggest insult he can throw at me is calling me his mother or grandmother’s name.
So, I had to learn to knock the girly stuff off and talk like a man, and let my actions follow my words to trust and verification. If he starts to get defensive I tell him, “I’m being straight with you. I am not your mom.” I hate throwing his mom under the bus, but him hearing those words helps.
Conversely, I grew up in an environment where it was considered rude to speak up, talk straight, etc. You politely hinted. Bad combo for us two.
But, we have largely worked it out.
Being aware of these different dynamics is so important. I’m glad you’ve figured out how to make it work.
While I agree that motive matters, I don’t agree that it should be the determining factor as to whether a particular behavior is beneficial or harmful.
There are a lot of voices in the various posts linked to that can only be described as frustrated. There are many that get very close to angry.
There is an old adage that applies here. I have seen it used in military operations, construction environments, and even in medicine. “You don’t know what you don’t know”. That is such a simple statement on the surface. The truth is much deeper.
While it is completely understandable to wish to be known, which seems to be a common theme among women who responded, sometimes the best way to get there is to speak openly. A simple example would be if I was to buy my wife a new blouse, and she got upset that I didn’t get her favorite color. Now I might be inattentive or totally obtuse, but I have no idea what my wifes favorite color is(surprising after 36 years, I suppose). Where the adage comes into things, is simply this. I didn’t know my wifes favorite color, and I didn’t know that I didn’t know, because it has never come up IN A WAY THAT COMMUNICATED IT CLEARLY. Of course, I might have missed a hint or a clue along the way. For the record, I have every intention of asking that question now, because now I know that there is something I didn’t know before. Yeah, see how complicated this can be.
The only real way to get thru all of this is for all parties approach it with grace and understanding, without assigning motives. (She is manipulative…. He doesn’t love me enough to know), and to assume good will.
Obviously, some behaviors are harmful regardless of the person’s motive. Some behaviors are harmful regardless of the recipient’s perceptions and response. However, I have often found that awareness of someone’s motive helps me do a better job of not taking something personally and not letting the behavior have a harmful effect.
Hi Chris, some of your examples above read to me like you think it’s manipulation for a husband to want sex with his wife and do something he hopes will make that more likely. Is that what you meant? Might it depend on a deeper motive of why he wants sex with his wife?
I think it depends on motive as well as on the overall health of the relationship. Obviously, if a husband wants his wife to give him oral sex, he needs to be able to ask or to use a signal they both understand. That is part of healthy communication in a marriage. However, if he frequently complains about not getting oral sex or if often talks about it even though he knows she has serious reservations about it, it’s manipulation. That doesn’t mean that we should never express preferences or communicate complaints to each other. We just need to do so in ways that are clear and honest, with a willingness to hear the other.
You’re right that a couple of those examples could have been a bit more clear.