Although one spouse’s efforts can usually make some improvement in a couple’s sex life, what really makes it reach its fullest bloom is when a husband and wife work and grow together.
But sometimes you might not be sure what that looks like. I’m delighted to have Julie Sibert from Intimacy in Marriage here to talk about making the sex in your marriage all that you hoped it could be–and more.
When my husband and I said our marriage vows, we couldn’t have fathomed in those romantic moments all that our marriage would entail. We embarked with eager anticipation, though. We embraced a partnership that spills over with joys and tender moments, not to mention a fair amount of challenges and miscues.
If you and your spouse are like most married couples, you’ve been learning as you go. You’ve sifted through the ups and downs, and you are still in this thing together. Somewhere along the way, you realized there’s more than a smidge of work involved in keeping a marriage going. We are either growing or stagnating – in our communication, friendship, problem solving, financial management and day-to-day life.
The same can be said about sex in marriage. We’re either growing or stagnating.
Is sex in your marriage all you hoped it would be? Is it a place of tender vulnerability, passion and connection or is it wrought with struggles, misunderstandings and boredom?
Whatever you would say about sex in your marriage, I assure you that you are not alone. As someone who speaks and writes about sex, I know there is a whole spectrum of sexual satisfaction and dissatisfaction.
Some married couples enjoy such profound sexual oneness, intentionally protecting and nurturing this sacred aspect of their marriage no matter the season they’re in. Other couples haven’t had sex in months or sometimes years, still grappling with skewed perceptions about sex, past trauma and unresolved misunderstandings.
And countless couples fall in between those two extremes. What has sex been like for you and your spouse? Have you had moments of authentic sexual oneness? Or is sex in your marriage characterized more by baffling distance and disappointment?
Back to this whole idea of growing or stagnating. If sex isn’t all you imagined it would be, how are the two of you going to get on a path of more nurtured intimacy? Hopping on this path is worth it, not only because your marriage is worth it, but also because you as individuals are worth it! Sex is meant to draw a couple together in ways unlike anything else we experience.
Here are three ideas that may spur sexual hope in your marriage:
1. Start with Better Friendship
People ask me what makes for passionate sex, and they usually are surprised when I say really great friendship. But it’s so true! If you want better sex in your marriage, a great place to start is with better friendship.
What are the two of you doing to actively spend time together? And by time together, I mean something other than crashing in front of the TV after the kids are in bed. There’s a reason there’s so much talk among marriage bloggers about date nights – it’s because they genuinely can transform a marriage.
Dates don’t have to be expensive and they don’t have to happen only at night. Go to breakfast together on a Saturday morning. Go for a long afternoon walk. Check out a local farmer’s market together or take in ball game. Anything where you can be together as a couple, share some conversation and enjoy each other’s company.
Better intimacy in bed is fueled by intimacy that happens when our clothes are on.
2. Address the Sexual Struggles
If you’ve been ignoring the sexual struggles, maybe even downplaying that there actually are struggles, then find a way to shed some light on that. Is it going to be easy? Well, no. But you will never know unless you try.
Obviously, bathe your conversation in love, respect and maturity, but don’t skirt around issues.
Sex is a part of marriage, so if there is something that keeps sabotaging sexual connection between the two of you, then address it. Bring it up. This isn’t about rehashing old arguments and arriving at the same stuck place, but rather it’s all about resolving together to heal and build going forward.
3. Learn from Great Resources
I am convinced that if a husband and wife humbly resolve to build better sexual connection in their marriage, they will do it. There are so many Christian resources available that you would not have to search for long before you found resources that addressed your particular struggle.
Tapping into resources for better sex is no different than the way we rely on resources for all other aspects of our life. If we need help with our finances, we find a financial consultant. If we want to know the right way to exercise, we hire a personal trainer. If our car doesn’t work properly, we take it to a mechanic. If we have health issues, we visit a doctor.
You get the idea.
There are many Christian books, counselors, websites, programs and more that can help you build better sex in your marriage. I and so many other speakers and writers have dedicated our lives to helping couples like you who are intentional about taking good care of their marriage.
On my site, you can get a free guide on passionate sex God’s way at this link.
And if you’re interested in a deeper dive – which I’m confident some of you are – I just released a program called Better Sex in Your Marriage. It includes some great bonuses for the first 100 couples who sign up and there are still some slots available. You can get all the details at this the link Better Sex in Your Marriage, so I encourage you to take a look to see if it is a good fit for you.
Is sex in your marriage all you hoped it would be? If not, what are you going to do about that?
Julie Sibert speaks and writes out of her own journey about sexual intimacy in marriage. You can follow her blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com. She lives in Nebraska with her husband, two sons and a rambunctious dog named Stella who is trying to destroy the yard.
Image credit | DepositPhotos.com (licensed to Julie Sibert)
I've moved! While you can peruse the archives here, I am no longer posting at The Forgiven Wife.
Please join me at Honeycomb & Spice.
Ladies, if you're interested in joining me for a study of Juli Slattery's new book God, Sex, and Your Marriage, time is running out! Our study begins with introductions on February 26, 2023, but the study will be open to join until March 5.
Hi Chris,
Just wanted to shout out an appreciation for this blog. My wife (she has filed for divorce but I believe she’s having second thoughts) refused me in many ways (not just sex), which made me become extremely bitter. She would essentially refuse to do anything with me, but jumped at the chance to shower her love and affection towards our kids (we are nearly empty nesters).
Our journey follows yours fairly closely. However, I reacted poorly by “acting out” with pornography and alcohol as a way to self medicate from the loneliness. I am involved in a men’s sexual purity support group and now realize that I could have done so much more positive things with my alone time. I’ve actually come to finally (after 2 years) accept that it’s not so bad to be alone. I was prescribed several antidepressants but they all had side effects that were intolerable.
The only real difference is that my wife’s pride and blaming mentality may be too high a hurdle for her to overcome. Our counseling sessions became a vehicle for her to blame me for everything. Only over the past few months has she come out to admit that she (and the kids based upon her example) wronged me by not appreciating and respecting me more.
My counselor and other advisors have essentially said, “well that regret/ownership is great, but what actions have changed?”. Really, the answer is nothing. I’ve done a fair amount of work to “keep my side of the street clean” but unsure if she’s done anything to address her “stuff”.
I don’t know what I could do to encourage that, and unsure about our future together. Appreciate your thoughts and prayers.
Cleaning up your side of the street, as you say, is probably the most important thing you can do after praying. You’ve done the work that creates a safer space for your wife to begin to address her issues. Acknowledgement of her wrongs is only a first step, but it is an incredibly important once. Things can still turn around. You and your wife will be in my prayers.