Journey of Change: One Year of Change



Today is the final post from Janna Allen (a pseudonym) in which she opens her life to us to share how the journey has looked in her life. I am thrilled to be able to share Janna’s story with you.

In the first post, Janna introduced us to both her journey away from refusal and to her marriage. In the second post, she told us about the dark years of gate-keeping and refusing in her marriage. In this post, she shares what she has learned and how much has changed—in her and in her marriage—in the past year.

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 Then one year later…

God orchestrated in His perfect timing, for me to see just the right link, to just the right blog, to just the right posts so that the Spirit would convict me of the sin I had been doing for years but was unaware of.


When I was convicted, I made the choice to change.  I jumped into my change with both feet, no dipping my toes in to “test the waters.”  Chris refers to herself as the queen of baby steps; I think I just leapt out of a plane.  I believe a difference between Chris and me is that she started with making a change in the bedroom and that helped her work through things in her marriage.  With me, we worked through much of our marriage issues and that led to a change in the bedroom.

When I chose to change, I not only changed from saying “no” to saying “yes” to my husband in the bedroom, I also started changing many things that would please him.  I changed the type of clothes I wore, started wearing perfumes for him, slept with less on, got rid of all my “granny panties” and bought sexier underwear, and did things I had never done before like bathing together, having the lights on, and being more adventurous all around.  I gave up my “me” time.  Every night, after putting the kids to bed, it was “me” time.  I showered, I grabbed my book, and I read.  I read until my eyes were so heavy I knew I could sleep.  No more of that! It was now “our” time.  I also initiated more in that first month than I had the whole rest of our marriage.  I flirted and showed much more physical affection outside of the bedroom.

I don’t want to paint a picture that this was a breeze. I struggled.  I struggled with feeling like I was losing myself.  I struggled with old thoughts and feelings.  I struggled with resisting when I felt like I was being pushed too fast or too far.  I struggled with choosing to trust what my husband said about how he feels about me and my body.  Overriding my own thoughts and feelings about my body is a battle every single time I become vulnerable with my nakedness.

There were some changes that really took me by surprise and were completely unexpected.

The freedom I have in my marriage.  I didn’t fully realize how much I had held back just to avoid having sex or being asked to have sex.  I was not only robbing my husband of his love language, but I was cheating myself.  I now have the freedom to give and receive love through touch: holding hands, kissing quickly or passionately, hugging, scratching his back, back rubs etc.  When I’m stressed, tired, sad or anxious, there is nothing like the comfort of being held in the strong arms of my husband.  There is comfort and peace in being held with my head tucked under his chin and my ear over his heart.

I also have the freedom to just be open.  I can share what’s going on, my fears, my thoughts, and my desires.  I am free to receive his comfort, compliments, thoughts and opinions without thinking there is an ulterior motive.  I am fully free to be me: who I am now and who I am becoming.  He is also free in sharing his most inner being with me.  There is an intimacy that we’ve never experienced, one where there are no barriers and where we each are known by the other.

The total atmosphere change in our house.  There is peace.  There is laughter.  Even when there are disagreements, how we interact with each other in the midst of them is different.  Little misdemeanors are easier to look over; love truly covers a multitude of sins.

The change in my husband.  Who knew that he would become the man I always dreamed of (with a few quirks here and there)?  I guess when men feel like they are being treated like a king, they will treat their wives like a queen.  It seems like his main concern has become to make me feel loved the way he feels loved, with dates, gifts, little surprises, praises privately and publicly, protectiveness, and concern that used to not be there.  He is more confident, and when the stresses of life come around, it does not affect him like it used to.  He really believes he can conquer the world if I am behind him and believe in him.

My perception of men.  Not that I am even close to fully understanding them, but I see them in a totally different light now.  They are very intriguing in their maleness and how they reveal a part of the Father.  I can see their fierce commitment and love for that one woman in their life.  I see their desires to fully love them and to be fully loved.  SISTER, if your husband is a good-willed husband, he has a fierce commitment and love for you!  If you are one who struggles with saying “yes,” your husband desires to fully love you as he is created to do (which is very much intertwined to the sexual connection and the act of becoming one) and he desires to be fully loved and desired by YOU.  I pray for those who are blinded, that their “scales” will fall off their eyes as mine did.  It’s a whole other world out there!

I see the uniqueness in how God created men as different than us women, and how they complement each other when working in tandem.  Both male and female reflect a portion of the image of God that is unique to their gender. (Genesis 1:27)  My respect has grown for all men with the realization of the responsibilities they carry in their God ordained callings as husbands and fathers.  It is no wonder that Scripture tells the wives that they must respect their husbands. (Ephesians 5:33)

Ministry.I had no clue the way God would use the change in me for me to minister to others, online and in real life.  Different opportunities have been presented for us to minister to others.  The change in our marriage has affected multiple others—a number we will probably never know this side of heaven.  We have had the chance to pour into couples who are thinking of marriage, into couples whose marriages are okay but could always be better, and into those who truly have broken marriages.


I have had some fears that my “feelings” will change, especially in the beginning.  What if this was some freak thing because my hormones were going whacky?  Why do I think this has lasted this long and will be a permanent change?

I believe it is because it is NOT based on what I am “feeling”, physically or emotionally.  It is based on conviction and love, love of my Lord and my husband.  No matter if my sexual desire dips (which it does), it’s not an option to do nothing.  Or no matter how I am feeling towards my husband at the time (which I have had hurt and anger to work through this past year), it’s not an option not to work through things and go back to a “self-protective” state where I build walls and harbor unforgiveness and /or bitterness.

I could never have done it without the conviction and power of the Holy Spirit, and I believe that it will only be through Him that this will be a forever change. Where I am concerned, all that’s dependent on me is a surrendering and obedience to Him, because by nature I am way too selfish, independent, rebellious, and prideful to keep up an act of serving and loving my husband without some supernatural help and empowerment.

Sisters, God will be as original with you as He is with me and as He is with Chris.  Though circumstances can be different and He is “original” with His children, WHO He is, remains the same.  He is always faithful, He will always love us, He, in all His power, goodness, and knowledge can work together anything and everything for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)  When we surrender all of our “self” to Christ first and foremost, it is much easier to put others, especially our husbands, first by serving and showing them love the way that says to them “She really does LOVE me.”

I want to share these words by Stasi Eldredge from Becoming Myself:  Embracing God’s Dream of You:

Accelerating our “becoming” involves saying yes to God again and again and again. It is not a posture of striving but of releasing. It looks a lot more like yielding than pushing through to the next goal. We collapse into God’s life within us. “Christ in me, help me” becomes our prayer. That is why he often brings us to the end of our ropes, the end of ourselves. Because it is from there we turn from our striving and raise our arms in surrender to our God again to save us.

By faith, we turn to him. By faith, we choose to believe that he hears our prayer. By faith, we believe he is good and is for us. By faith, we trust that though we may not see it or feel it, God is at work in us and for us. Because he says he is.

Are you ready to say “Christ in me, help me!”?  There is freedom in releasing and surrendering the control we hold so tightly to.

I will leave you with one final quote that I have kept close to me:

God can change what people do, He can change behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades.  He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count… Rahab had done a same old thing for years… and then she did something new. (Ref. James 2:20-26)

Beth Moore from James: Mercy Triumphs,  pg. 108

Sisters, do something new!

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Want to know more about the changes Janna has observed in herself and her husband after one year of her journey of change? Click here to find out.

Who is Janna? “We will be celebrating our 20th anniversary at the end of summer.  I love being a mother and we are raising our kids to love Jesus and love others, and hopefully they now have a model of what a Godly marriage is like as they witness what a man and woman look like when they are in love!  We have devoted our lives to sharing the transforming and redeeming love of Jesus Christ to the broken lives (which is everyone) around us.”

Image courtesy of Janna Allen


Journey of Change: In the Beginning
Journey of Change: Gate-keeper to Refuser and Back Again
Journey of Change: One Year of Change


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32 Comments on “Journey of Change: One Year of Change”

  1. Yes God can make the changes: “God can change what people do, He can change behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count… Rahab had done a same old thing for years… and then she did something new. (Ref. James 2:20-26)”
    Thank you!

  2. Hi … I have a question and I don’t know where else I could ask it … kinda embarrassing though.

    I have been working pretty hard on improving the emotional connection with my dh during sex. Physically, things have been up and down during our marriage. But even when they are physically good, emotionally, I’ve been checked out and frightened. Anyway, we have been working on that together as a couple. He made some changes that really helped me, and our communication has improved. Praise God I’ve seen some progress, and have actually felt close … even intimate … a few times during sex.

    BUT … here’s the embarrassing part. It’s KILLING my ability to orgasm! That is totally unexpected for me. Everything I read suggested that emotional closeness makes the physical even better. Don’t know why this is not the case for me? I’ve never fantasized about anyone else during sex, not ever. But I have had a pattern of just … closing off … feeling with my body but shutting down my emotional connection. Anyway, now whenever I am feeling close to him, thinking about him as a person who I love during sex, especially toward climax … everything I feel just, um, stops, I guess. I can feel my body doing the things it does during orgasm – like legs tensing up, eyes rolling, etc. But I don’t FEEL anything. That sounds so weird sitting here trying to explain it. I hope I don’t come across as crazy …

    Anyway, if anybody has experienced anything like this, I’d be open to thoughts / advice?? I’m not going back to closing off from him, I know he loves me feeling close. I want to do this for him. But I’m physically frustrated …

  3. Janna ~

    Thank you for sharing your testimony. Yay God!

    I especially love the chart of all the changes you’ve noticed. I had a similar journey and reflecting back now, I noticed many, many of the same changes.

    Your confusion as to whether you were becoming “too consumed with sex – experiencing newlywed feelings” makes me smile. Again, I had a similar experience… After so much time allowing negative sex talk to run though my mind, I think I had convinced myself that I didn’t like it, that sex was something I did just for him. As we worked on our marriage, as the walls came down, as we connected more and more emotionally, I realized I really enjoyed sex, and actually began to look forward to those times with my husband. I became a very enthusiastic participant 🙂

    Would you mind sharing about your journey in reconciling what “too” consumed is/was? What did/does that struggle look like?

    Wishing you continued blessing in your marriage…

  4. @WifeInProgress I struggle in a similar way, afraid of the deep emotional connection that I am told accompanies orgasm. Hopefully someone will have some advice for us. At least you know you are not alone. Kudos for sharing your concerns and fears. Putting them in the light is the first step and all things are possible through Christ who strengthens us.

  5. @A Heart to Know

    You asked, “Would you mind sharing about your journey in reconciling what “too” consumed is/was? What did/does that struggle look like?”

    I am hoping I understand your question, but if it becomes obvious with my answer that I didn’t, please let me know and I will try again!

    I want to clarify this, when I was speaking of “being too consumed with sex”, I am speaking of a struggle after my change rather than before. If it would have been “before” it could have been rooted in negative thinking on sex, and trying to put blame on my husband for HIM being “too consumed” but that is not the experience I am talking about.

    When we were concerned about being “too consumed”, because Jay was asking the question too, it was because it was hard to concentrate through the days, or to have the desire to carry out every day things. For Jay, he didn’t want to go to work and he had a hard time concentrating at work because he was thinking about me and just wanted to be with me. We just wanted to be together, even if it wasn’t sexually.

    For me, things like cooking and cleaning were put on the back burner. We probably had pizza a little more than we should have this past year! LOL! I believe it was on this blog, , I read where Julie Sibert said something like this, “What I lack on my feet, I make up for on my back.” 🙂 I referred to that phrase often with my husband this past year. Which by the way, he was VERY OKAY with having a little messier house and fewer home-cooked meals to have what we have. I really struggled with balance, especially when I was really trying to change my thinking, it took work! I am also one who when I feel overwhelmed, I just quit doing everything. I had to concentrate the majority of my mental, emotional, and physical energies into making this change.

    When I had shared this with others, someone made a comment, “It sounds like you are newlyweds.” It was an “aha” moment for me, because we NEVER had experienced these feelings, that is not what our newlywed years were like. We were finally experiencing that desire for each other, enjoying being around each other, and just basking in the love. When I had that “aha” moment, I became instantly at peace with my feelings and realized this is “normal” and this is GOOD!

    We are still trying to work out the balance of not letting everyday life rob of us our joy in each other.

    I hope I answered your question somewhat, if not, let me know, or if you have more questions, please keep asking!


  6. @wife in progress, @IntimacySeeker

    I do not believe I personally have experienced what you are speaking of, at least the way I am interpreting what you wrote.

    What I have experienced is this. I have tried to be present during sex and one of the ways I have done that is to make my husband my focus, through things “for him”, by rubbing my hands over his body, like on his back, through his hair, just about any where and every where. Also by taking a little more initiative and doing things he enjoys like different positions, showing extra attention on his man parts, being a little more vocal. I also have just made myself more available for him to enjoy; like having the lights on so he can just see me, just laying back and letting him explore (which can be very difficult because you feel like every flaw is being scrutinized!), keeping my face turned towards him, and even trying to keep my eyes open so we can look at each other. I want him to know I love him, and all that I mentioned goes against what I naturally would do.

    What I have recently learned is that I was having a hard time experiencing orgasms that way. I have to really concentrate to have a vaginal orgasm, and I could not concentrate when I was focusing on him. I don’t experience much pleasure at all when I am putting out effort to try to please him because I am concentrating too much on what I am doing over what he is doing to me. When we discussed this, I found out that it bothered Jay too. He felt like he was failing and something was wrong with him when he couldn’t bring me to orgasm when we were having intercourse. When we discussed this issue he wanted me to just concentrate on myself. He wanted me to just lay back, close my eyes and focus on the sensations, which is the way we use to do it before I became more aggressive. It was amazing how quick I was able to orgasm when we went back to doing that. We were both very pleased with the after effects of changing back to our “old ways”.

    To keep that in balance, I will do “just for him” time, usually at the beginning of our time together, or just a separate time all together. I want him to continue to know that I do desire him and I don’t want him to feel like I’m being selfish and it’s all about me.

    I don’t know if this even comes close to what you are experiencing, but maybe someone can get something out of one of our experiences.

    1. Thanks for the insight. I don’t mind the lack of orgasm for the sake of pleasure, but am concerned about my husband feeling the way your husband did: “He felt like he was failing and something was wrong with him when he couldn’t bring me to orgasm when we were having intercourse.” And I feel a sense of failure that I am unable to let go as other women can. Does orgasm really make your connection that much deeper? Why does a man see his wife’s orgasm as a reflection on him?

      1. Intimacy Seeker, in my world as a husband, it certainly does make the connection that much deeper. As to orgasm, if my wife doesn’t orgasm, I do feel like a failure, because the whole experience then becomes about me and my gratification, so then I feel like it only happened because I wanted to.In other words, she was willing to have sex, but didn’t really want to. I didn’t feel desired.I think most husbands, Christian ones at least, would love to see their wives be a little more selfish in this area.

        I would not say my wife is a refuser, or even a gatekeeper i the sense of sexual frequency. She is however,a gatekeeper of her own sexual desires.She has even expressed to me that she’s afraid of what might happen if she were to just let go. This is what we struggle with, in our marriage. I WANT her to desire sex, because SHE wants to. I WANT her to orgasm, because it lets me know she enjoyed it, and it wasn’t just about me.

        I hope this helps.

        1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I appreciate your openness. I have just begun to realize that I am a gatekeeper of sorts. I certainly relate to your wife’s fears. You are assuming that orgasm = enjoyment. That might not be the case for your wife or for me. There might be a great deal of emotional angst mixed in with the physical pleasure.
          My inability to orgasm does not mean I do not desire sex or desire my husband, nor does it mean I do not enjoy sex with my husband. More likely, it indicates fear and/or a lack of trust. Perhaps we are enjoying sexual intimacy to the fullest extent we are currently safely able? In other words, we prefer 95% enjoyment with safe boundaries versus 100% with no boundaries.

        2. Wow, I feel like I’ve made progress toward being a more open wife … it surprises me that just reading this makes all my feelings of hurt, anger and frustration rise up again. Guess I still have a ways to go in changing my patterns of thinking :/

          When my hubby would say these things to me, I felt totally rejected as a person. Men aren’t satisfied with dictating what their wives must DO in bed, no, they tell her how she must FEEL AND DESIRE. When my husband would say these things to me, I felt crushed by the weight of impossible expectation. He said he wanted me to “share my sexuality with him” … but then when I shared what I truly thought and felt, he despised what he saw. So, I concluded, he didn’t want intimacy with ME, his REAL WIFE, he wanted intimacy with some imaginary woman he WISHED that he had married.

          All this time, I had been making huge effort and progress in doing things to please him. I had begun initiating. I had made sure he NEVER went more than 48 hours without sexual release. I had been touching him more actively, trying to make him feel good. All this at GREAT emotional cost to myself. I was doing it BECAUSE I LOVED HIM. Because I WANTED to meet his needs and make him feel loved. Yet, nothing I did was enough. Still, he said he felt “like a failure” and “unloved”. Like a failure at what? A failure to change his wife into a better person? Husbands, this may come as a shock, but telling your wife “You have to want what I say you should want, so that I can give it to you and feel like a man” does not sound intimate. It sounds like you don’t care what we REALLY need and only want us to be mirrors of your own desire.

          IF your wife is not totally hard-hearted about your needs, IF she is making an effort, then please appreciate her progress and don’t push her too fast (if she’s doing nothing, then you have a legitimate gripe). Telling her that you feel most “like a man” when she orgasms – that means that you believe her greatest need for connection is (or at least ought to be) the same as yours. You don’t have to give up your desire for her sexual fulfillment, but please don’t forget that being “a man” means meeting the needs SHE critically feels, not just the ones you want her to feel.

          I think we finally got to a place where we understand each other better. My “aha” moment was when I realized I did the same thing … I want hubby to WANT to talk to me, not just sit there and try to listen because he knows I need it, but he doesn’t really WANT to be there. So it’s the same goal of intimacy, just 2 paths of getting there. What he wants from me is really not that different from what I want from him. I’ve gotta keep preaching that to myself!

          Sorry to vent on here … ForgivenWife, it won’t hurt my feelings if you decide not to post this comment because it is unhelpful. Perhaps I’m just being whiny…

        3. Even after we change our patterns of thinking, things can still trigger those old thoughts or feelings. For what it’s worth, I felt the same response for a moment, which is why I waited a while to respond.

          I am pretty sure my husband feels most like a man when he has given me an orgasm that I have sought and then deeply enjoyed. I respect the feeling. I feel most like a woman when I am nurturing my husband in some way, even if it’s non-sexual. We feel what we feel. The problem is when our feelings become our expectations–especially if our expectations are that our spouses be more like us instead of being who and what they are.

        4. CW,
          I got a similar reaction as well. I think it’s more of this SEX IS FOR MEN mentality that is so insidious. My own wonderful dh has some feelings that reflect that thinking as well. I’m not offended most of the time because I know it’s so pervasive and unspoken. He’s trying to embrace the truth, but at 50+ years old it’s hard to reshape those unspoken feelings.

          Keep up the good work!

        5. Why should one spouse get to decide what counts as sexual pleasure for the other spouse? Your wife may well enjoy sex in her own way. I understand why your wife’s sexual pleasure contributes to a deeper feeling of connection for you. I think some women are afraid to really let go. However,to say that her orgasm is the only measure of whether she enjoys love-making seems a bit self-centered to me. This is wanting her orgasm for your sake, not for hers.

  7. ForgivenWife, hearing you say that you struggle with old patterns of thinking, too – helps me more than I can say! What you said about feeling most like a woman when you are nurturing your husband … now that you mention it, I feel that same way! And I wouldn’t want him to resent my feeling “like a woman” just because he doesn’t like what triggered that feeling in me. So that’s helpful to me in not resenting that having me enjoy sex makes him feel more masculine and strong. Thank you 🙂

  8. Could there be two different situations going on that we are basing our opinions on? If in one situation the wife has always had a hard time having an orgasm and/or is unable to orgasm through intercourse or which ever way, I could see why one would be offended and feel like the husband is not accepting her for who she is.

    But, it the other case, where the wife can orgasm and has orgasmed often in the past in the same manner, therefore the husband knows she is fully capable of doing it, could you see why he may feel it’s his problem?

    It is very easy to think it is “us” who is the problem. On the occasion my husband loses an erection or is unable to orgasm himself, I will wonder if it is me? Maybe he doesn’t find me attractive. Maybe I’m not enough. Maybe I don’t know how to do things right to arouse or keep him aroused any more. When I see that I can so easily go to that type of thinking, I can understand better why my husband can feel the way he feels.

    1. That’s a good point. What you describe isn’t the situation I was seeing in the comments, and I think you’re right that there is more than one kind of scenario.

  9. WHY does a husband “feel most like a man” when his wife has an orgasm? Is this part of providing for her? Does he feel a sense of power over her? Perhaps this is the most poignant way she can communicate her trust in him? Shouldn’t his orgasm be when he feels most like a man and her orgasm be when she feels most like a woman?
    Questions aside, I’m glad my husband is not putting pressure on me. Perhaps I’m in a resting place on my journey. I have made impressive progress in the last 13 months and with God’s help will continue to grow.
    Thanks Chris, and CW, and TJ for all the helpful comments.

    1. In all the comments I’ve read from men (here and elsewhere), I have never seen that it was about power. Mostly, I’ve seen it described as providing and being trusted.

    2. My hubby says it is because when I am able to orgasm, it’s clear feedback that I’m having a good time (he’s not left wondering) and he’s able to provide a deep pleasure for me, and he’s the only one who can make me feel like that. Our relationship is unique. He feels that he is giving me a special gift and making me feel good, and that I respond to him in a special way that I don’t respond to any other man. So for him, that’s very intimate, and makes him feel like a good provider. He basically says that Intimacy with wife + good provider for wife = wife loves and respects and enjoys me = *Whew* I’m doing a good job as a man. Definitely not a power thing.

      For me, it feels like a weird line of logic, but then I’m not a dude 😉 I’m slowly learning to accept and even respect and even *sometimes* smile because I know I can make him feel like a man.

      1. I understand the logic as I understand a husband’s need to feel accepted and approved by his wife. Her orgasm tells him he is loved and respected. Not unlike a wife’s need to feel she is the only woman her husband desires, and perhaps his orgasm communicates that to her. Actually wonderful that one’s pleasure can make one’s life partner feel validated.
        I have learned to feel safe providing for myself, so this will be a big step for me. I don’t feel the need for my husband to make me feel good. Letting him do that puts my emotional wellbeing at risk. Looks like I’m the one with the power issue.

  10. And thank you Janna! Your story is beautiful and inspiring and I appreciate the grace and love with which you share it!

  11. To any who were offended by my comments, I would like to say,I was simply trying to answer Intimacy Seeker’s questions. As I said . we are struggling with this. My wife and I have a lot of baggage that goes into this, and much of it is entirely my fault. I do not blame her for how she is now, even knowing she was not always like this. It is only by God’s grace, that we are still together, and it would have been my fault if we had divorced.

    The comments concerning me being self-centered — maybe that’s true. I certainly recognize that I have self-esteem issues, that contribute to this. I make no defense for how I look at this, I understand that life doesn’t always work out the way we would like, especially in the bedroom. My wife experiencing orgasm every time is an ideal situation, not an expectation. And that’s my part of the struggle. To deal with how I feel about the whole thing, without blaming her.

    1. TJ,
      I thought you answered the question well and it seems to fit what I have heard other men and my own husband say. I think part of the “offense” may just be we women are interpreting through our “pink” glasses and hearing aides. Thank you for sharing, I appreciate seeing a glimpse into the male mind.

    2. To me, self-centeredness is when a desire becomes an expectation. You have enough self-awareness to understand why you have that desire and why it is a struggle, and perhaps that will lay a good foundation for further growth and freedom in your marriage bed.

    3. I was not offended by your comments. Further, I commend you for making an effort to improve your marriage relationship and for being so candid with your feelings. Hopefully, some of the responses helped you understand a bit more about a wife’s perspective.
      The way a husband naturally expresses love may not match the way his wife naturally feels love, and vice versa. Accepting this and shaping our expectations accordingly frees our spouse to take steps out of their comfort zone and express love in the way we feel it.
      Sometimes we need to receive our spouse’s intentions and actions as their expressions of love, even when they don’t speak to us in our language.
      In what ways (other than orgasm) is your wife expressing her love for you? Could you choose to receive that from her even though the message isn’t in your language?

    4. TJ,
      Thanks for the clarification. I wouldn’t say I was offended, but I did feel a little defensive when I first read that post. 🙂


    5. Just wanted to say that I’m not offended either, really. More just made aware that I need to be more careful to avoid falling back into old patterns of thinking. I think what you are feeling is probably normal for a guy, as far as I understand it. Anyway, I hope you do not feel discouraged by what anybody has said on here, but possibly it could be helpful for you to gain an insight into how your wife might be interpreting your feelings (rightly or wrongly). Best wishes for your marriage.

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