With several documents open, I was sitting here trying to decide which of my very drafty drafts to flesh out into a blog post. I’d come home early, the kids would be out of the house for hours, and I had my Häagen-Dazs coffee ice cream in front of me.
I kept drifting back to the draft about my sexual needs not being met recently. Yes, after my years of avoiding sex and causing my husband so much heartache, I’m now in the position of feeling sexually neglected. I know it’s just for a season, and I know there are lessons for me and opportunities for growth. But still, it’s hard. I tried to talk with him last night, pointing out that I need his help navigating this version of our shared lives. He was concerned that my sexual frustration means that I’m becoming unhappy in our marriage. I fell asleep sad. I woke up sad. Sad because I’ve been missing our connection. Sad because I’m reminded of what I did to him all those years. Sad because he thinks I’m unhappy in our marriage. Sad because I wonder if he thinks that because it’s how he felt during the years I sexually neglected him.
So I was sitting here, with my mind wandering back to what was so far just a bunch of whining. I prayed for a while, thinking surely God would tell me what to write. The response from God was, “Trust.” So I kept sitting here, checking Facebook, trying to think of a clever tweet to send out, losing (again) at level 65 of Candy Crush Saga, struggling to trust when I really just wanted to whine. I was still sad. I prayed some more, deciding to stop worrying about a blog post today and spend time praying for my marriage. I prayed that my sadness would lift and that my husband would be reassured that I love him and I love our marriage. Then I went back to losing at Candy Crush.
And then he came home from work. And he noticed that the kids were gone. And he invited me upstairs. It amazes me how when I am in greatest need of connection, the connection we make is at its greatest. I have no idea how long we were in bed. Five minutes? An hour? I have no idea. I don’t care. The sex was awesome, and my husband and I both felt completely loved.
I came back downstairs a completely different woman than I’d been when my husband got home. The amazing combination of sexual pleasure, total focus on each other, and the easy intimacy and laughter we have with each other infused my entire being with contentment and connection. I sat back with what I’m told was a dreamy expression on my face. Sex is a powerful thing to be able to do that to a person. My entire mood changed, all because my husband and I made love.
So here I am, back at my laptop, still losing at Candy Crush Saga. But somehow, I just don’t seem to care anymore. Sex is just that good.
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How is it that every time I come to your blog you have written something that really resonates with me?! LOL
I’ve been really sad today, well since yesterday, but today it really took over. My dear husband has really weird work hours during the week…up at 3am and in bed by 7pm…so I wake up by myself in the mornings and he goes to bed before me at night. We have only been married 1 1/2 years…my 2nd marriage after a 20 year abusive marriage…and in the beginning we made love about 4 times a week. In the last year that has dwindled to about 5-6 times a month and for me as the higher drive spouse it really hurt. My DH has ED due to his blood pressure meds and has dealt with that since he was in his 40’s…he is now 58 and I’m 48.
Anyway, this week he has been rained out of work (he drives a logging truck) since yesterday, and of course, I am on my period this week. But yesterday morning I was really in the mood and since my flow is light I was all over him when he woke up. I told him that even though I’m on my period I’d love a quickie if he wanted. He declined saying how he0 prefers to wait so we can both reach orgasm (he normally brings me to O orally). I said that was fine and we snuggled for a bit longer before getting up. So, this morning I pretty much just got up right away figuring there wouldn’t be lovemaking and probably won’t be for another couple days.
Although I respect that he wants to wait so he can completely pleasure me, it is still frustrating because we never make love during the week and here we had an opportunity. I think he just doesn’t want to because of my period and I understand that, but just to feel that he really wants me, I guess that is what I desire.
It’s funny though, because like your post whenever I’ve become really frustrated over the lack of sexual intimacy and ready to throw the towel in, my DH will make a move! I always feel ridiculous afterwards for making such a huge fuss. But honestly, when it’s been 4 or 5 days since we last connected sexually I begin feeling disconnected from him and really sad.
Anyway, that’s my long story of woe…LOL Maybe if I whine enough I’ll be pleasantly surprised in the morning or perhaps late tonight. For now I will keep praying that I remember how much he loves me even if our love life has diminished way below what satisfies me and know that he is so tired most weeks from working hard for us and providing for us.
🙂
Well, maybe that’s why God wouldn’t let me write the ultra-whiny post I thought I’d write and I ended up with only the semi-whiny one so you could feel understood. 🙂
Haha, that must be the reason! It does help to know I’m not alone. 🙂
You sound so much like me. : ) Except you write it much, much better than I ever could! The years of gatekeeping, the Awakening, the moodiness when it doesn’t happen now, the Candy Crush, the absolute awe and thankfulness when it does, and the totally different outlook on the world that comes with that. Thanks for sharing!
What an awesome post! Seeing you write words that so accurately reflect the feelings that I have felt is so comforting. Regardless of the reasons, feeling “grumpish” is never fun. Conversely, connecting with your spouse is just so amazing. Thank you so much for sharing. I applaud your efforts to support people who want to make changes in their sexual relations with their spouse.
I sit at my computer with tears on my cheeks waiting…just waiting for that connection…that contentment that comes from making love. But for now I will try not to focus on it having been 5 long days since the last connection.
I’ve prayed this morning for my desire to be diminished so it doesn’t hurt so much. Once a week? Why can’t I be content with that?? Why can’t I just focus on how much he loves me and how wonderful he is to me without always counting the days until he reaches for me, holds me close and wants to make love?
I will try to occupy my day with something, anything and everything to keep my mind from thinking on it and my heart and body from yearning for the physical connection…all the while he is home for the third day in a row. The third morning of waking up with him next to me…something that rarely happens during the week…and yet he seems to have no desire for sex. Darn Aunt Flo, she has worn out her welcome.
BTW, what does everyone do about that time of the month? I can understand my husband not being very turned on by that and I don’t blame him in the least, but I’m nearing the end of that season of my life and the flow is very minimal, really just spotting for several days…and oh, how I get so hot and heavy during that time, but he prefers not to.
(((Hugs))) to you, sweetie. I am surgically past that particular rhythm of life so don’t have any advice. It would be nice if he could hold you and caress/kiss other parts of you while you take care of yourself (and then take care of him), but it doesn’t sound like this is something he will offer on his own. Asking takes a lot of courage. Does he provide much non-sexual touch on days he isn’t interested in sex? Having the emotional and physical connection in other ways might help a bit in getting through the rest of the week, but it’s just hard. I wish I had some advice for you, but all I have is some virtual chocolate and a box of kleenex to share with you.
Yes, he always touches me in non-sexual ways. He always holds my hand, has a hand on my leg while we are driving or sitting watching tv, and likes to be very close to me.
After we got married (second marriage for both of us) this was very foreign to me since my ex hardly ever touched me outside the bedroom and it took me a while, not to long though, to feel comfortable with it.
I did ask on Wednesday morning for a little lovin’ and that is when he responded that he preferred to wait. And again, I don’t blame him, I’m sure most men want nothing to do with sex during their wives’ period, but it’s hard to deal with when I’m still aching for him during that time.
And it isn’t just this week, most weekdays are like this. It was just extra frustrating this week because he was actually home and didn’t have to leave at 3:00am. The routine is for us to make love on Sunday morning, by Wednesday I’m ready again, by Thursday I’m feeling frustrated, and Friday, well, I’m really down and grumpy. Then he’s ready on Saturday morning and I find myself at first feeling resentful that now I’m supposed to be all geared up and ready to go. But then that contentment sets in and it’s wonderful.
My husband is very loving and very touchy, but his drive is just slower and with ED there cannot be any spontaneity. We are very much in love and the hardest part of this is the fact that a year ago we were making love more. Something has happened to change his desire and sometimes I think it’s me. I cannot climax through intercourse and it can take me a while to get there through other means, so I often think he just doesn’t want to do it so often anymore because of all the work. And I admit to wanting an O every time and I think that’s because we only have sex a handful of times each month. There have been times where I’ve gone two weeks without because of the infrequency. And I don’t want to sound selfish, but I think if we did it more often I wouldn’t feel the need to have one each time.
Oh my, this became way too long…I don’t expect answers, guess this just helps me to get it out and think about how to handle things.
🙂