Has your husband ever asked you what you would like sexually? Does he want to know what would turn you on or really arouse you? Do YOU want to know what you like?
When you’ve spent years limiting or avoiding sex, it can be hard to know where to even start to answer these questions. If you haven’t allowed yourself to enjoy your sexuality or your husband’s touch, you may not have allowed yourself to pay attention to what feels good.
Even when your heart is totally committed to change and you’ve experienced something of a sexual awakening, you may have no idea what you like.
If your response to his “What would you like?” is genuinely “I don’t know,” read on for some ideas on how to figure out what you would enjoy in bed.
Experiment with Positions and Activities
We often think about what we like in bed in terms of position and activity. How are our bodies connected? What are we doing?
Different sex positions feel different—and the only way to find out what positions you like is to try them.
The angles of your bodies (your vagina, his penis), the circumference, firmness, depth, and all sorts of other things affect where you feel pressure and how your bodies rub and press against each other. One position might provide a sensation that you don’t feel at all in another position. In addition to the specifics of your individual anatomy, the addition of props (such as a pillow or a step stool) can add new sensations.
Your imagination is a great place to start with ideas on what to try—but you can also start at a great site like Christian Friendly Sex Positions. This site uses anatomically vague illustrations along with descriptions of how to get into the position, what to do once you’re in position, and variations that can change the sensations a bit.
Learning what you like often means that you try different activities. My post Can a Christian Wife Learn to Be Wild? talks about how you can go about adding new activities into your marriage bed.
A More Nuanced Way of Learning
While it is helpful to think in terms of position and activity, that barely begins to tap into what we can learn about what we like.
If you are new to thinking about what you like in bed, I encourage you to think in terms of where and how you like to be touched.
What non-physical interaction best prepares you for physical contact? What non-sexual touch best prepares you for sexual touch? What parts of your body do you enjoy being touched? How much pressure to you prefer? What rhythm? What type of touch? How does timing affect sensation?
I want to suggest that you spend time exploring and experimenting with your body to find out what you want. Self-exploration can show you a lot, but I’m going to recommend that you include your husband in this. If you have spent much of your marriage avoiding sex or not enjoying it, your husband needs to learn your body as much as you do. Besides, your husband’s touch is going to be different from yours. Since the goal is to learn what you like in bed with him, you might as well include him as part of the exploration.
What I’m going to suggest is that you take some time at least once a week for some “sexploration” of your body. Set a timer (you might start with 15 minutes, and then add to that as you learn more and want to take more time to learn). Agree that during that time, he will limit his touching to what you decide on ahead of time or to what you specifically ask for during the exploration. When the timer goes off, if you are on a roll and want him to continue, certainly do so.
The goal here is not for you to have an orgasm (although that might happen). Rather, the goal is for you to learn what you like and for your husband to learn to pay attention to your body’s sexual response.
Still, be sure that each exploration session wraps up with lovemaking. It is likely that both you and your husband will become aroused during this process, after all.
Step by Step, Touch by Touch
Work your way through these steps, taking weeks or months if you need to. The process of learning about your body together can strengthen your intimacy in unexpected ways.
- Think about preparation. What best helps you feel relaxed and prepared to enjoy sexual touch? Try things like a bubble bath, a favorite beverage, or a meal together. Also, pay attention to words. What words make you most likely to melt? Do you want your husband to tell you that he loves you? That you’re beautiful? That he’s glad he chose you? Do you want him to recite a love poem? Reflect on a treasured memory? Try different things to learn what makes your body and mind most ready for sex.
- Begin with non-sexual touch. Your husband can start at the top of your head and work his way down to your toes, ignoring (for now) the sexy bits on your bosom and between your legs. He should try different types of touch on each part of your body, varying the pressure, speed, and rhythm of his touch. He should try touching you with his hands, his lips, and his tongue. While he touches, you pay attention to sensation. What feels relaxing? What makes your skin tingle? What makes you feel something between your legs?
- Move on to sexual touch. Your husband can now to the same kind of exploration as above, but include your sexual parts now. Again, he should vary the pressure, speed, and rhythm of touch. He can try to use his fingertips, the palm of his hand, his lips, and his tongue. What feels most arousing to you? What feels distracting or irritating? He can pay attention to changes in your body. What makes you flush? Breathe more heavily or rapidly? How do your genitals change as they become aroused?
- Vary the timing. As you begin to learn what kinds of touch you enjoy, start to pay attention to the timing. How does a particular touch feel if you aren’t yet aroused? How does it feel when you’re aroused? How does it feel when you are close to orgasm? Also, consider where you are during your menstrual cycle. Many women find that this affects what feels good to them.
As you learn how you like to be touched, you may find it easier to think of new positions and activities as you consider the best ways to make a particular kind of touch happen.
Enjoy!
As you and your husband learn about what you enjoy sexually, you may find that you learn to better communicate about sex. The two of you will be discussing kinds of touch, body parts, position, and activity with an attitude of adventure (“hey, can we try this one with a pillow under my butt next time?”) rather than pressure or obligation.
The process of learning what you enjoy in bed may be as important as what you actually learn. So if your husband asks you what you like in bed, the only answer you need is, “I don’t know—but let’s find out!”
Image credit | sasint at pixabay.com
I've moved! While you can peruse the archives here, I am no longer posting at The Forgiven Wife.
Please join me at Honeycomb & Spice.
Ladies, if you're interested in joining me for a study of Juli Slattery's new book God, Sex, and Your Marriage, time is running out! Our study begins with introductions on February 26, 2023, but the study will be open to join until March 5.
