Let There Be Light: Out of the Zone

Courage can be a process.

For several weeks, I’ve written about the value of stepping outside our sexual comfort zones. I’ve shared some of my stories.

Now I would like to share with you some stories from other women. They range from things from simple “just getting started” steps to activities that some women would consider “out there.” The steps these women will describe for you are all different, but they all share courage and a willingness to try something different.

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Today we hear from Jewel, whose story shows us the process of being courageous. Society bombards women with messages about their bodies. When we get that same message from our husbands (whether or not that was his intended message), we hurt. We struggle to believe our husbands’ words that they want to see us, that they desire us, that they find us beautiful. We don’t believe them, thinking they are complimenting us only because they want to have sex.

Once we are brave and expose ourselves anyway, we have an opportunity to learn how much we are truly desired. We can learn to become comfortable with something, even though it may feel impossible when we begin.

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Having some light seems so simple, yet it was very much out of my comfort zone (and still is a little).

A little background: I have been hiding my body for years. A couple of years into my marriage, after some weight gain, I had asked my husband if he still found me sexually attractive. There was silence, which I read as rejection, (which I now know that I put him in a very bad position) but that silence hurt me beyond what my words can express. At that moment, I actually made a vow that “he would never see me naked again.” Throughout our marriage he did see some nakedness, but I never was truly “naked” before him (body, mind or soul.)

Fast-forward about 15 or 16 years and after reading some blogs, especially this one, I was convicted on becoming a “generous” wife in our marriage bed. After I apologized to my husband for all my years of rejecting him and telling him that I wouldn’t say “no” anymore, all of these different requests started coming out of the woodwork: He wanted me naked, he wanted to bathe with me, he wanted to see me when we made love. I am not only around the same size I was all those years ago when he rejected me, but I’m older and my body bears the signs of motherhood, and even though we’ve talked about, worked through and forgiven that incident from so many years earlier, the scars from that wound are still there.

One day, early on in becoming a “generous” wife, while reading The Forgiven Wife, someone made a comment about using a red light and how it “softened” the body and it gave the ambiance of fire light. I thought, “I can try that.” I first mentioned it to my husband, and he was game. I believe that anything that would allow him to “see” would be a good thing, being that he is very visual.

We went to a thrift store and purchased a cheap reading lamp, we then went to the store and bought a dark red light bulb. Our very first use was a surprise to my husband. I went into our master bath, ran a bubble bath for myself thinking I might see how this light works. I moved it into the bathroom and used it for my lighting. I saw that it did “soften” my body and some of my “flaws” were hidden, so I then invited my husband to join me. It was a dream come true for him.

Since that first use, we have used it often, mainly in our bedroom. He now has a light he can turn on and he can see my body and he can see my face. He has shared often that him being able to see me is a “turn on” for him. He enjoys being able to see that he can bring me pleasure and that he can bring me to orgasm. He has shared what he sees when watching me, like how my muscles move, how my mouth changes, my eyes, my femininity like breasts and soft skin. I don’t completely understand it, but I believe I’m starting to realize that this is something that is very important to him and to many men.

My husband tells me I’m beautiful daily. He tells me he loves seeing my naked body. He tells me he loves certain body parts, I say “with flaws”, he says, “What flaws? They’re perfect.” Yet, still after four months of almost daily love making, my first reaction is to cover up, to hide, to “protect” myself.

I’m still not completely “comfortable” in all of my nakedness and I can’t fathom that ANY one would want to see this body unclothed, but there is a power, an assurance, a security, a healing balm on that old wound, in the fact that I can see,with my own eyes, in the light, that my husband does respond to me and my body. His actions remind me of Proverbs 5:18-19:

“Let your fountain be blessed,
And rejoice in the wife of your youth.
As a loving hind and a graceful doe,
Let her breasts satisfy you at all times;
Be exhilarated always with her love.”

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Courage can be a process.

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9 Comments on “Let There Be Light: Out of the Zone”

  1. I am so proud of your courage, Jewel! You made a generous decision. My prayer for you is that the Lord will bless you with peace and comfort while nude and that someday you’ll realize your beauty. I can tell you are beautiful on the inside, too.

  2. Awesome post! I thank the Lord all the time for the internet. For all of the horrible things on it, there is a wealth of healing and information and connection out there too!

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