Responding to Your Husband’s Sin

Marriage isn’t always easy.

We have enough of our own struggles and issues to work through in our Christian walk. In marriage, we have to deal with a husband’s stuff, too.

Sometimes his stuff involves an on-going sin issue. How can we react to that sin in a way that is healthy and loving?

The same old sin

It’s hard when a husband sins.

Sometimes you know your husband genuinely feels bad. You know he regrets his actions. He knows he has to kneel at the cross. He asks you to pray for him. You see contrition, conviction, and repentance.

But then, sometime later, he does the same thing again. And again, he feels bad about it.

You’ve been through it before, so you recognize the signs that something has been going on. He won’t meet you in the eyes. He makes accusations against you to deflect attention from him. He’s growly. You start to suspect that his same old sin has returned.

Maybe you confront your husband with your suspicions. Or maybe he voluntarily comes forward to confess. You can see that he feels genuine remorse and regret. You KNOW that he repents of his sin—but he just can’t seem to quit it.

It isn’t unrepentant sin as much as it is repetitive sin.

Maybe he can’t seem to quit pornography or gambling. Or he misuses alcohol, medication, or another substance. Maybe he has gotten written up at work—again—for losing his temper. Maybe he got a speeding ticket and is prohibited from driving anywhere other than work. (Note that I am not addressing situations where a husband’s sin is abusive or where he is unrepentant.)

He has messed up, and you are hurting because you have to deal with the same old problem you’ve faced before: Here we go again. Why do we always have to deal with this? Isn’t it ever going to get better?

Perhaps your thoughts are even harsher: How dare he do this? I deserve better than this. How much am I supposed to put up with?

You are hurt. You’re angry. Frustrated. Fed up.

Understandably.

Your reaction matters.

Imagine what that is like for him to have a sin that he just can’t seem to shake.

He’s committed the same sin he’s struggled with for years. He’s messed up big time, and he feels horrible about it. The enemy has found a weak spot where he can tempt your husband again and again. Your husband feels weak—and now he has to confess something that he knows will hurt and anger his wife. He may even know that there will be consequences for him in his daily life.

When he confesses a sin to you, do you react out of your anger and frustration? Or do you respond with grace and love?

Confession can take a great deal of courage.

Frankly, sometimes we make it even harder for our husbands to come forward about a sin.  Your usual reaction may contribute to the temptation your husband faces. For instance, if his temptation is related to his feelings of inadequacy in some area and your reaction is to point out that he’s always messing up, you may be piling on to something that he already isn’t managing well. Your reaction may make the temptation worse as well as making it hard for him to confess.

Are you a safe place for your husband’s heart? Does your reaction make him want to do better, or does it add to his struggle? Do you invite his honesty, or do you make it even harder for him to confess?

Strategies for responding to your husband’s confession.

Your husband’s sin—especially if it is a persistent one—can be deeply painful for you. It may be a wound that has been with you for years, never quite healed. Or perhaps it has real-life consequences that affect you, too, with financial or medical ramifications.

Responding to your husband’s sin in a healthy and helpful way might be difficult—but here are some things you can try:

• Respond to his honesty with love and gratitude if you can. Reacting without anger doesn’t mean you don’t feel the anger or that it is wrong for you to feel it. It means that you are trying to step outside that anger for a brief time. Show that you accept him as a person, even though he has done something wrong and hurtful. Don’t ignore the sin—but perhaps wait until your husband is past the difficulty of confession. When he is reassured of your love, talk about next steps. Ask how you can pray for him.
• See him as God sees him, as a hurting child of God—not through your own filters. Yes, you’re frustrated that you’re having to deal with this again. You’re reasonably weary of the pattern of lying, dishonesty, or whatever. His actions may have hurt you. Consider that he may be even more weary of this pattern than you are. His sin is about his own heart for God and for himself. It likely has very little to do with you. Responding with “Why do you always do this to me?” may reflect your honest feelings about the situation, but it doesn’t actually help anything.
• Support his growth. His confession is an opportunity for you to nurture his spiritual growth. Help him connect with those who will help him pursue healing for his own sake, not just because it will be good for your marriage or for you.
• Support him as he faces the consequences of his sin. Sin has real-life consequences. Perhaps your husband’s sin results in steps he needs to take at work, with a doctor, or with a counselor. Do what you can to encourage him in doing what needs to be done. Pray for his courage to follow through with everything he now faces
• Consider the role you should play in your husband’s repentant walk. Some sins (such as pornography and gambling) are often addressed through accountability partners. If his sin is one that is hurtful to you, you may not be the best accountability partner for your husband. His concern for you and fear of your hurt-based reaction may make honesty a challenge for him. In other situations, though, what your husband may need most is to have you be the iron that sharpens iron.

Forgive.

Forgiveness isn’t always an easy thing to give—especially when we are hurt by the sin.

Yet the Bible tells us to forgive sins against us—even if they sin again and again:

So watch yourselves. “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.” Luke 17:3-4

If your husband is genuinely repentant and is taking steps toward walking in freedom from his sin, strive for forgiveness.

Care for yourself

Responding in a way that is helpful for your husband doesn’t mean that you neglect yourself.

• Be honest with your husband about your feelings. If you struggle to feel loved when he succumbs to the same temptation time and time again, tell him so. If you need to rebuild trust, have your counselor or pastor help you and your husband talk about how that can happen.
• If his sin is one that peels off a scab in your own heart, pursue healing of that wound for yourself.
• Seek professional or pastoral support from someone who will help both of you. The idea isn’t to find someone whose only goal will be to fix your husband’s problem. Find someone who will also help you respond in a way that is healthy for both of you.
• Share your situation with a spiritually mature Christian friend who you’ll allow to speak into your life. You may want to just vent, but what you need is someone who can pray for you and who can also help you have a new perspective on your responses.

Model Christ’s love.

I know this is a hard thing. When a husband’s long-time sin issue is one that is emotionally painful for us, the last thing we may want to do is think about how we can be helpful and loving to him.

However, our reactions to his sin often make the situation worse—for him and for us.

Instead, let’s strive for reactions that help our husbands.

When we respond calmly, our love and grace can help soothe the part of his heart that so weakly responded to the enemy’s talons of temptation.

When we respond with love, we model Christ for our husband in a way that no one else in his life can do.

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