My libido and I have been on a winding journey together.
As a young woman, I had a pretty high sex drive. I thought about sex a lot.
My libido was a source of shame for me for quite a while. I didn’t think it was normal for a woman to think about sex so much. Then when I began my season of using sex to try to find love, I walked around in guilt and embarrassment.
I dragged all that shame and baggage with me into our marriage—where I discovered that non-sexual factors in our relationship trumped any physical desire I had. Big Guy and I both thought I had a low libido. I couldn’t think why else I wasn’t interested in sex in the way he was. (It was because I was a woman and my sexuality worked differently than his did. Oh, how I wish I’d kept expecting my sexuality to look like his.)
When I was a mom of young kids, I was too exhausted and overwhelmed for sex most of the time. Then I sank into a time of depression and the effects of medication. My physical desire rarely raised its head, even when I was feeling close to my husband and actually wanted sex on an emotional level.
Up and down my libido went, through seasons of parenting, work stress, nice breaks from work, illness, medication, hormone changes, and so on. At times, the more I had sex, the more I physically wanted it—but the physical desire could be squashed in an instant by a disagreement or a harsh word.
When my husband asked me why I didn’t want to have more sex, I said that I must have had a low libido. At times, it was really true, but quite often it was just easier to say that than to seek the emotional connection I needed and end up in yet another argument about sex.
My physical desire and emotional state were so intertwined. Did I have a low libido? A high one? When it was high I felt ashamed and broken—and I felt pretty much the same way when it was really low.
I didn’t like feeling broken, but I had no idea how to fix that. I didn’t understand my own libido or God’s design for sex in marriage. What would be a good sex life? What steps could I take to get there? How could I talk to my husband about what I wanted or needed? And was my libido something that could be changed?
I had no idea what to do.
I wasn’t the only woman who didn’t understand her own sexuality or God’s design for sex. I wasn’t the only woman who thought there was nothing she could do to change her libido or whose emotional desire trumped her physical desire.
One of the blessings of having worked on our marriage is that I was able to accept myself as a sexual being. I accepted both God’s forgiveness for my past and His Word that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I’ve discovered that my libido is a lovely part of my marriage, a source of joy and connection.
Resources for You
Some of you may be struggling to understand your libido. Perhaps you’ve always had a low libido, or maybe you’ve noticed a change in your desire.
I’d like to share several resources with you that I highly recommend if you want to better understand your sexuality and improve your libido. (These are all affiliate links.)
All these resources are designed for women who
- Want to better understand their own sexuality
- Learn about God’s design for sex in marriage
- Shed misunderstandings or baggage
- Grow in their physical and spiritual connection with their husbands
- Get some practical hands-on (sometimes literally) advice that is grounded in scripture
If you are struggling with your libido or just want to bump it up a notch, I encourage you to spend some time looking at these resources. These are all written by Christian women who have learned why sex is worth the effort. Even if you aren’t able to purchase these resources right now, please visit their blogs.
Unlock Your Libido: 52-Week Sex Drive Transformation, by Bonny Logsdon Burns of Bonny’s OysterBed7
Have you lost the flames of desire? Do you want to rekindle sexual arousal? Unlock Your Libido: 52-Week Sex Drive Transformation, is written through a Christian lens and will help you uncover little known aspects of your lost inner sensuality. Ramping up lagging libido doesn’t happen by magic. However, it can be an easy journey with profound results by following along with this 52-Week guide.
Although not a Bible study, its foundation is God’s Word. Based upon a 2012 French study, it blends science and scripture to help wives re-discover their sensual hidden nature, covering not just physical, but also emotional and spiritual aspects of libido. Each week, a commentary sets the theme. The key is consistent thought and prayer revolving around the theme which the author guides. It only takes 5 minutes a day.
Do you want to be a hottie in the bedroom without sacrificing holiness? How can you make the most of God’s gift of sexual intimacy in marriage?
Wrongful thinking and behaviors regarding sex permeate our culture. Christians need to reclaim sexuality and enjoy it in the way God intended.
God does not shy away from the subject of sex. The Bible shows a better way in every area—including the marital bedroom.
In Hot, Holy, and Humorous, author J. Parker gives candid advice for wives from a foundation of faith with a splash of humor.
This book can boost your sex savvy and improve your marital intimacy. And guess what? With God’s perfect design, you and your spouse can enjoy the most amazing sex!
What does the Bible say about sexual intimacy?
Quite a lot actually. From marriage-specific scriptures to biblical principles, Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage guides Christian wives through weekly devotions that shed light on God’s gift of marital sex.
Each week includes a Bible passage, application, questions, and a prayer. These short devotions will deepen your understanding of God’s design of sexuality and encourage you toward a holier, happier, and hotter marriage.
Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage, by Julie Sibert (and others) from Intimacy in Marriage
Have you allowed skewed views and bad theology to hijack the question, “What does sex mean to our marriage?” In “Pursuit of Passion,” we offer you detailed suggestions on building your sexual connection and pleasure, as well as overcoming common struggles that rob couples of authentic sexual intimacy.
This book equips engaged and married couples to replace misinformation with God’s truth — that sex is His idea, and that God designed sex to be an essential and passionate place of bonding in your marriage.
This book comprehensively looks at the spiritual, emotional and physical aspects of your sexual intimacy, tackles some of the toughest questions that couples face and includes discussion questions that will foster deeper communication for you as a couple. This book also includes an extensive list of marriage-building resources. Get ready to take your intimacy to a whole new level!
Are you more eager for chocolate and a bubble bath than for sex? Do you wish that you felt that breathless rush and were more “in the mood”? You can be! This 10-module course will teach you what libido is–and how you can start getting excited about sex in your marriage again.
The Boost Your Libido course will teach you:
- How what we think impacts our libido
- How our hormones, diet and exercise impact our libido
- How to love our bodies–so that we can enjoy them!
- How to get over past hurts and see sex as a good thing
- And what to do if sex is just kinda boring. Or doesn’t feel that great. Or really doesn’t rev your engines!
Each of the 10 Modules in the Course Has:
- A funny and informative video
- A “fact sheet” to help you learn about different aspects of libido
- Links to tons of extra resources so you can learn more about each subject
- A brainstorming exercise to start changing your perspective immediately
- An exercise to do to start turning the heat up!
At the moment, I am in one of those seasons when hormones are affecting my libido—and not in the way I would like. Fortunately, I know it is worth addressing.
I’ve been digging into all of these resources myself for new ideas. Plus, I’m doing one thing I know will help: have more sex. (Poor Big Guy, right?)
Ladies, enjoy your libido!