Today’s guest post comes to you from Ruth Buezis at Awaken-Love. This post is part of the Sexual Healing and Wholeness Series.
By Ruth Buezis
Before I started reading blogs and books about sex, I doubt if I even realized I had sexual baggage. But if there is one thing I have learned from teaching the Awaken-Love sex class it is that almost all of us have baggage that impacts our marriage bed. Everything from child’s play situations that filled us with shame, to how we learned about sex, to choices that were made for us, to using our body to find love, to the choices we made with our future husband. And until we take a close look at our past and experience healing, we will never experience the freedom in our marriage bed that God wants for us.
I grew up climbing trees, catching snakes and playing baseball with the boys. Some of my most painful childhood memories were being mistaken as a boy. Exceling at math and science, I followed in my dad’s footsteps and studied Engineering at college. Even though I was one of very few girls in class, dates were virtually non-existent. Sticking my nose to the grindstone I focused on academics.
Jim and I met my senior year in college when a mutual friend invited a large group of engineers out for a beer. After that day our paths began crossing on campus and a few months later he finally asked me out. After wonderful conversations all through dinner and a tender kiss at the door I fell head over heels in love. I confidently announced to my roommates later that night, “I am going to marry him!”
Raised in the church, I fully intended to remain a virgin until my wedding day. But when I found out Jim had 2 previous relationships and that he had slept with both of them, my plans changed. On my own, I decided that if Jim was going to fall in love with me, I needed to sleep with him. So, I was the one that initiated sex. We talked about it in advance, I started birth control and we planned the date.
25 years later, when I read Intimate Issues (affiliate link), I sat with my thoughts about what baggage from my past impacted my marriage. Jim and I had never really talked about how things played out when we were dating. Honestly, I think I was just glad I had won his heart. But had I, or had I somehow manipulated him? And why did he let me initiate sex? Why didn’t he stop me, when he found out I was a virgin, and ask if I really wanted to do this? Why hadn’t he led like a man should lead, and look out for my best interests?
I realized that all these years, I resented Jim for my lost purity before marriage. Ultimately, I blamed him and the decisions he made that influenced my own. My first step of sorting through baggage was taking responsibility for my own choices. Jim never coerced or pressured me into sex, I chose to initiate.
I also recognized that because Jim hadn’t held the line to help me stay pure, I disrespected his leadership. Subconsciously, I didn’t trust him to care for or protect me. Though I never said things out loud to Jim, my mind constantly criticized the small steps that he took to become the leader of our family. I look back at the ways my husband led our family, and I cringe that I wasn’t more supportive. He insisted on prayer at meals, flossed the girl’s teeth, tucked them in bed to prayers and constantly cared for me as a young mom by making sure I had other outlets for my creativity. All the while, I doubted his gentle strength and leadership.
When I finally had enough courage to talk to Jim about my baggage, I could hardly say the words. He gently held me in his arms as I confessed my resentment and disrespect because of the choices I made years ago. He easily forgave me and assured me it was no big deal, and for a moment everything was great.
Until I started wondering why he wasn’t taking any responsibility or asking forgiveness for his past relationships. Ahh, how our selfish pride sneaks back in so quickly. If there is one thing that I have learned, it is that I operate completely different than my husband, and it is not my job to change him….
Uncovering baggage is a lot like unwinding a huge ball of twine. At first you don’t even know where to start, but as you slowly unwind layers, the real knot becomes clearer and clearer.
My entire marriage I have struggled to believe that Jim was actually attracted to me. I thought that he just wanted sex, and that’s why he sometimes said nice things. Several years after I started looking at my baggage, the impacts of the choices Jim and I made before marriage came into focus.
You see I knew, that Jim had sex with his other 2 girlfriends, but he didn’t initiate sex with me. I did! That left me with two choices. Either he was trying to be a better man, by not pressuring me for pre-marital sex. Or…. He wasn’t really attracted to me. He didn’t really desire me or think that I was hot. I was just a good practical choice for a wife.
You can guess which option I chose. I always thought that I was the consolation prize. The one that would make a good wife but was definitely not beautiful or sexy.
I am not the consolation prize. My husband is crazy about me and he always has been. But because of the choices we made, I believed a lie. Until I had the courage to look at my past, I could not believe the truth.
I have prayed though my baggage with God and my husband. God has taken away the prickliness of my husband’s past relationships. I have embraced my beauty and love tantalizing my husband with my body. My husband and I have created a safe relationship where we can talk about anything – even sexual baggage.
Oh, and by the way, years later Jim asked forgiveness for the choices he made. He wishes that he had never experienced anybody but me. He regrets not holding the line in our relationship to get off on the right foot. And he regrets that for 25 years we never took the time to talk through our past because he was afraid to revisit his failures. My husband is growing into the man that God wants him to be.
I have experienced profound transformation and freedom in my marriage bed because I had the courage to revisit my past. After teaching hundreds of women in Awaken-Love and watching the transformation that comes when we bring things to the light, I have no doubt that God can heal. Women walk in week 1 heavy and discouraged and leave week 6 filled with hope for the future. If you have already experienced healing, then other women need to hear your stories and testimony, or if you are looking for breakthrough, God is able. Pray about hosting an Awaken-Love video class with a few friends and help bring light to the darkness. You will see God move in amazing ways.
Ruth blogs at Awaken-Love.net but her real focus is teaching about sex and equipping others to talk about sex. In 2012 after experiencing her own transformation, Ruth wrote and hosted her first Christian sex class for wives, Awaken-Love. Spread by word of mouth, women continually testify to the profound transformation that takes place in community.
Ruth loves to speak and challenge women to embrace God’s truth for sex. Become part of the grassroots effort to change the culture of sex and invite some friends to join you for an Awaken-Love video class. Ruth has been married 30 years and has 4 amazing daughters.
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Thank you Ruth and Chris for posting this.
I really enjoyed this article but it pains me to read about responsibility avoidance, especially in marriage, and even more so for decades. Why is it so difficult for men and women to take full ownership of their decisions when they fully expect their spouses to do so? I really don’t want to be offensive or hurt anyone’s feelings; I would like to understand the situation better.
Thanks
Adam didn’t want to take responsibility for his decisions, either. In Genesis 3:12-13, he tried to blame both Eve and God for his decision to eat from the tree. In my experience, taking responsibility for our own actions requires a spiritual maturity that not all of us acquire.
I find it very difficult to take responsibility for bad decisions. Good decisions, I want a pat on the back, my name in the paper, a spot on TV. I think you are right Chris, it takes spiritual maturity to take responsibility. When I admit my mistakes and ask forgiveness, I find almost everyone appreciates it and asks forgiveness for their part.