How Sexual Objectification and Modest Dressing Negatively Affected My Marriage

Today’s guest post comes to you from Keelie Reason at Love Hope Adventure and is part of the Sexual Healing and Wholeness Series.

By Keelie Reason

I was a victim of sexual harassment time and again when I was growing up. I grew up in a rough part of town where men would call out obscene remarks and make inappropriate gestures. It wasn’t just on the streets of my neighborhood that I dealt with this, but in my workplace and other cities.

There were times I felt unsafe and threatened by the men that objectified me. That’s the problem with sexual objectification. You don’t feel human, rather, you feel like something that can be used for another person’s pleasure.

I Was Sexually Objectified

Sexual objectification is when one person sees another person as an object rather than a person. When random strangers would holler out lewd comments at me, or approach me to have sex with them, I knew they had no care for me as a person. I was no more than an object that could be discarded after they got their thrill.

The Message of Modest Dressing Didn’t Help

The message I received about dressing modestly didn’t help my self-image. I was taught in church and school that I should not dress in a way that would cause men to stumble. I’m not saying I don’t agree with modest dressing However, it is too large of a responsibility to state that I need to dress in a way that won’t cause men to lust.

Given the fact that I always dressed very modestly, yet was the victim to countless encounters with sexual harassment over the years, how in the world could I possibly know what would cause someone else to stumble?

Rarely have I ever had a decent man compliment the way I look. Rather, all I get are the perverted comments that make me feel dehumanized. Honestly, I have thought that the reason that decent guys haven’t said anything, was because they didn’t have anything appropriate to say.

Sexual Objectification, Modest Dressing, and Marriage

When Austin and I were dating, I never felt sexually objectified by him. I figured he was probably struggling with lust; after all, isn’t that what the church teaches? That every man’s battle is lust? But he never did or said anything to make me feel bad about myself.

However, when we got married, things changed—as they should have. Austin and I were allowed to be intimate with one another and express our sexual thoughts towards each other. The problem was, he’d say or do something that caused negative reactions from me.

If a man hollered out at me, said something sexual, starred, or anything I considered “creepy”, I’d tense up and get mad. My body would go into fight mode, because I was ready to defend myself if I needed to. That’s not the reaction your husband wants to receive when he says you look sexy.

How I Changed the Way I Responded

It’s ok to go into your marriage with baggage and negative emotions. It’s not ok to stay there, though. I had to figure out how to change the way I responded to Austin when he would make a pass at me.

Here’s what I did:

1. Recognized There Was a Problem

At first, I didn’t realize I was shutting him down in these instances. It took very honest conversations between the two of us for me to even see that there was a problem. Even after I knew I had an issue, I didn’t really know what it was.

2. Identified My Emotions

I had to do a lot of soul-searching on my responses. It took a few years for me to really reconcile what was going on inside of me. When I finally figured out that my reactions to him were the same as my reactions to sexual harassment, a lightbulb went off.

3. Stopped Reacting Negatively

All I could do in the beginning was to stop reacting negatively. I’d tell myself to stop tensing up and relax. Also, I’d remind myself that Austin loved me and he was my husband, not a creeper.

Once I was able to keep myself from tensing up, I could embrace Austin’s advances towards me. I started enjoying his comments, looks, and physical affection.

4. Responded Positively

I trained myself to respond positively to my husband. I’d laugh, smile, say thank you, or give him some other positive response. I wanted him to encourage him to keep coming after me. He needed that assurance from me because I had been negative for so long.

5. Actively Chased Austin

It took me a long time to get to a place where I could actively chase Austin. Instead of sitting back and waiting for him, I had the confidence to chase after him. That was a true sign to me that I was free from the negative emotions I brought into the marriage.

You can work through sexual harassment, abuse, bad theology, and other things the negatively impact your marriage. It takes a lot of time and intentionality to accomplish it, but you can have freedom.

Image credit | Christianpics.co

About the Author

Keelie is married to her high school sweetheart and is the mom of three awesome boys. She is a creator and loves sharing with the world around her. One of her biggest passions is to help married couples fall deeper in love with one another. She offers free printables to help the marriage relationship. You can read her marriage tips at Love Hope Adventure.