A picture is worth a thousand words—but when it comes to sexy pictures and videos of you and your husband, is it a good idea? How can you approach this question wisely?
Questions to consider
Whenever you or your husband want to add something to your marriage bed, I encourage you to talk through several questions to determine whether it’s a good idea.
Is it allowed?
The most important question is whether the act violates any biblical instructions or principles.
Is the act sinful? Does it involve only you and your husband? Is it loving and respectful, not asking either to compromise your Christian beliefs?
You and your husband should work together to understand the boundaries for your own marriage bed. These resources can help you with this:
The Marriage Bed
Intentional Today
Authentic Intimacy
Why do you want to do this?
It’s a good idea to know the motivation behind the interest in a new sexual activity.
Sometimes we want to do something new in the bedroom because we’re curious about how it will feel and if it will be fun. Unless it’s sin, that can be a great way to enjoy sexual intimacy together. At other times, though, our desire for a sexual activity may not be so wholesome.
One reason couples may want to have naked pictures or a sexy recording is to use for inspiration in solo masturbation. If you and your husband spend a lot of time apart from each other due to work, this might help you feel more connected to each other while you take care of your body’s needs. This is probably a good motivation. However, if your desire is to give your husband masturbation material so you don’t have to feel so guilty about not having sex more often, well, that’s not so good.
Talk about why this is something you want to do and what the purpose is. Even if you and your husband don’t agree on whether this is a good activity for you, the conversation itself might help you learn more about each other.
Is it wise for you?
Some sexual activities aren’t necessarily sinful—but they might be unwise for a particular couple. Consider your own struggles with temptation, sin, or hurt.
Let’s look at some situations where photos and video might not be a good idea:
- If either you or your husband has a fantasy that would be sinful to do in real life, a sexual activity that nurtures that fantasy might not be a good idea. For instance, if either of you gets turned on by the idea of having sex in front of other people, knowing that you are being recorded and can be watched (even if it is only by you and your husband later on) may fan the flames of that desire. It might be wise for you to avoid this activity.
- Sexy pictures and video might also be unwise if either of you has struggled with pornography in your past. Images—even of just the two of you—can invite a focus on a two-dimensional image rather than a whole person with whom you want to grow in intimacy.
- Potential sin isn’t the only reason you might want to avoid recording yourself. If you have struggled with body image or have a history of disordered eating, the sight of your own naked body may be extremely difficult to deal with.
I don’t think it is sinful to take sexy pictures or record yourselves having sex—but work with your husband to determine whether it’s a good idea for your marriage.
These blog posts may help you being to think through some of these questions:
Do I Have To?
Can a Christian Wife Learn to be Wild?
An Unconventional Request
Small steps to take
If you and your husband agree that sexy pictures or video of the two of you having sex are okay for your marriage, that doesn’t mean you’re ready to jump right into it. Whether you’re planning on pictures or videos, you can take some steps to ease your way into the experience.
Have equipment that doesn’t interfere with intimacy.
While you and your husband are having sex, you should be having sex and focusing on each other. You don’t want one of you to have to be holding a camera or cell phone while you’re trying to enjoy yourself, do you? Get an inexpensive tripod (here’s a link that gives me a small commission when you make a purchase) or purchase accessories that are designed for your phone or camera. Do what you can to prevent distractions so you can fully enjoy yourself.
Get comfortable seeing yourself naked in the mirror.
For many women, body image concerns pose a hurdle when it comes to seeing themselves in pictures and video—especially naked. The more comfortable you get seeing yourself naked, the easier this will be. Stand naked in front of a mirror. Prance around. Do this enough that you begin to believe the sexiness of your naked body and its movements.
Start with photos that don’t reveal.
Have your husband take pictures of you wearing things that help you feel pretty and sexy, even if they don’t reveal anything. The idea here is to get comfortable seeing pictures of yourself where you feel good about yourself.
Move on to photos and videos that reveal a little flesh—but not the sexy bits.
A next step is to do some pictures where you’re wearing something that reveals a bit more than you would show in public but still keeps breasts and genitals covered. It might be a super-short skirt, a low-cut top that highlights your cleavage, or even something a bit more risqué than that but with dim lighting so nothing actually shows in the picture.
Gradually bump it up a notch.
As you get comfortable, increase the lighting, the amount of flesh revealed, and how close the camera is to what is being photographed.
Watch yourself having sex in the mirror.
Strategically placed mirrors can add an erotic flavor to a sexual encounter. You and your husband may find that being able to watch yourselves this way is enough and that you don’t need to record it. It’s also a good way to get comfortable seeing yourself in the act.
Be smart
When you’re ready to take your pictures or record your video, proceed with care. Your sex life should be private for just you and your husband. How can you keep it that way? How can you be sure you are both comfortable with what you are recording?
Save and store safely.
Decide in advance where you are going to store your images and recordings. If you are using your cell phone, use a password-protected folder or app that keeps your images safe and private. (The Couple app is a great option.) Also, be sure your photos don’t automatically upload to the cloud or to a social media account. A removable SD card that is kept in a locked location in your bedroom is probably the safest way to restore your images. Consider placing it in a box labeled “Pictures of Us Having Sex.” When you die, it will spare your kids the experience of inadvertently seeing these images. If you decide to immediately delete images and videos after one view, be sure you check to be sure you did so completely.
Keep your faces out of the pictures.
You and your husband will look at the pictures and videos and know it’s you—but would you want anyone else to have evidence that it’s you? Use spot lighting to shine on your bodies but not on your faces. Or, place the camera in spots that avoid your faces.
Be respectful.
Set the standard that each of you is in control of how you are recorded—what you’re wearing (or not), your pose, what is okay to be photographed close up, and what you are doing. Respect each other’s comfort zones even while you encourage each other to grow. Agree that if either of you wants to delete an image or recording, you will do so immediately.
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Sexy pictures and videos aren’t right for every marriage. If you and your husband agree that it’s right for yours, proceed with care and enjoy the spice it adds to your marriage bed.
Image credit | Skitterphoto at pixabay.com
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“Keep your faces out of the pictures.” – I would disagree with this advice; this is actually very common in a lot of porn – and this makes it easier to swap a face in mentally. I would much rather be extremely aware that I am looking at my wife rather than faceless bits. Yes, it would be embarrassing if those pictures were leaked, but not scandalous.
On a practical note, I would strongly advise using something like VeraCrypt ( https://www.veracrypt.fr/en/Home.html ). This program creates an encrypted, password-protected container into which you can put any other type of file. This container could live on your hard drive, on a USB stick, on an SD card, etc. Without the password, it is impossible to open or get even part of the files out. This prevents them from being uploaded accidentally, it prevents them from falling into the wrong hands (e.g. children, computer techs looking through files when you bring a PC in for service, etc.) It guarantees that if the USB stick / flash drive is lost, that the pictures inside the container will absolutely not come up when said drive is found. You could even backup the container file (even into the cloud) and be confident that nobody is going to get your pictures. If you forget the password – tough beans, all the data is lost and not recoverable – by anyone, government included. You can use meaningful phrases/sentences as a password, e.g. “We met in Cincinnati in October 1969”
Practical note #2 – Be careful if taking pictures on a camera phone – make sure Airplane mode is on before taking the pictures. For instance, if you have an iPhone, it will (by default) upload any pics to iDrive, and/or copy them to other iPhones/iPads on your account. This is great for regular pictures, not so much for intimate ones. Similar automatic backup features are often found on Android phones as well. On the iPhone, (like Windows), deleted pictures go to the Recycle Bin, and are not actually deleted.
Practical note #3 – Assume that if it touches a network, it can be seen. If you email a pic to a spouse (at say a work address), the email admins *can* (doesn’t mean they do) (technically and legally) look at anything sent through their severs. If you send it through Gmail/Yahoo/Live, assume that the techs at these companies could* if so motivated look at the picture. If it is sent via text message same thing.
For example, a good process might be 1) take a picture from a phone in Airplane mode, then 2) copied to PC via cable directly into the encrypted container. 3) Delete the picture from the phone and delete it from the recycle bin. 4) Dismount the encrypted container file unless using the pictures.
Thank you for your suggestions. You make a good point about the value of keeping faces in the picture.
I do not see anything intrinsically wrong with making a video of intimacy. However, with the technology advantage usually going to hackers, I would not trust that it would remain private in the long term. For this reason alone I would not do it. Intimacy is a very private thing. Are you confident that Putin won’t have your video ten, twenty years down the line? How confident are you?