Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1 Peter 3:3-4
For many of us, how we feel about our appearance affects not only our self-worth, it also affects our willingness to let our husbands see us naked. I finally won that battle, but I still have some work to do in believing that my worth is not partly based on my appearance.
A few weeks ago, I found myself posting this on Facebook:
Yes, I know it’s wrong–but looking at pictures of stars without makeup makes me feel so much better about myself.
It shouldn’t be true, but it is. Seeing that even the most beautiful women have flaws makes me feel slightly less bad about myself.
I am overweight, saggy, and stretch-marked. My eyes and calves are the only features I really like. My hair is a constant frustration. My good hair days are so rare that I announce them on Facebook. On a good day, I look like one of those old broken fertility goddess statuettes (but with better legs and a worse backside).
Even when I put on makeup, my flaws show through. I have no sense of style, and while I generally don’t think about it much, there are times when I see a woman who just looks so perfect that I feel like a frump in comparison. I wish I could look really good just once in my life.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to look pretty. There is nothing wrong with wearing fashionable clothes or wearing makeup.
What is wrong is when we begin to think that our worth and true beauty come from how we look.
~ ~ ~
Sometimes I imagine God is shaking His mighty head at me. He says,
My daughter, why do you so easily forget that you are worth much to me? I have done so much to welcome you into my embrace.
Your worth is in your heart and soul. You know that. You know that I love you. You are beautiful. After all, I made you in My image. I even gave you a husband to help you remember how very beautiful you are. He tells you how beautiful you are. Now, I’m glad you finally believe that he truly finds you beautiful—but I see inside your heart and know that you don’t agree with him.
So what if you are saggy and marked? That is living that shaped your body. Be healthier. Grow stronger. Take better care of yourself because it is the body I gave you. But know that it will make absolutely no difference in your worth or in your true beauty.
Every day, there you are, stressing out over how you look. Is it really worth your stress? Really? You stand in front of your closet wanting a new wardrobe to appear, as though a different set of clothes will somehow make you worthy. My first children wore fig leaves and garments of skin. You have a closet full of so much more and think you don’t have anything to wear. Seriously, my child?
And then, once you finally decide what to wear, you still pronounce it not quite good enough. So you go stand in front of another mirror. You bemoan your glorious hair—hair that I made for you. And you gaze upon your countenance. You make judgments upon yourself on the basis of what—skin tone? your lips? your eyebrows? Do you really think your worth is measured by those things? Do you at least smile at yourself while you are looking in the mirror? Do you allow yourself to see the beauty that I made in you?
And then . . oh, my child . . . you place cosmetics on your face. You disguise My handiwork and try to make yourself appear as other than you are. I know you want to look nice, and it’s okay to personalize and decorate what I have given you. I gave you a canvas, and it’s okay to play. Make yourself look pretty if you want to. But you have got to stop thinking that your appearance constitutes your worth!
You look at those ridiculous articles about celebrities without makeup and you have the audacity to feel better about yourself simply because they look like the normal women they are? The women I created in My image just as I did you? How other women look has absolutely NOTHING to do with your worth, value, or beauty. You really need to get some perspective on this, my child.
Your external beauty is not the source of your worth.
You are my beloved daughter.
You bear My image no less than any other woman does.
You are Mine.
You don’t need to try to be beautiful. You already are.
You are beautiful.
~ ~ ~
Sisters, could these be God’s words to you, just as they could be His words to me? Do you seek beauty as a source of your worth rather than as a reflection of it?
I’d like to encourage you to take a look at a few sources of inspiration:
- Feeling Beautiful: A Wife’s Goal for 2015, Hot, Holy & Humorous
- In Their Eyes, The Generous Wife
- Permission Granted, Becoming His Eve (guest post by Bonny at Bonny’s OysterBed7)
- Real Beauty and Confidence for Real Women, Calm.Healthy.Sexy
- The Secret to Stopping the Body Image War, Intimacy in Marriage
- Try, Colbie Caillat
So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27
You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. Song of Solomon 4:7
Image courtesy of adamr at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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Wow, it’s amazing how you are always writing about what’s on my mind. My head so believes that God and my husband see me as beautiful, but my heart has yet to embrace that. I know that I could do a much better job at caring for my temple and that would help me feel better in all ways, so why does it seem like there are so many obstacles to that?
Thanks for the inspiring video. I haven’t seen that before. 🙂
Some days I am better at believing it than others. I’m such a work in progress, you know. 🙂
I love the video. There is another version here: http://youtu.be/uWF8kw64nis
Chris, I too feel this many times. I feel like I need to get “dolled up” to get my husband’s attention. I know we are instructed to take care of ourselves, but sometimes I feel like wearing hoodies and sweatpants! I feel fat, though I know I am not.. I have struggled with eating disorders in my past and still fight it sometimes. And now getting close to 40, I am seeing those lines form around my eyes.. I am not the young beauty I once was.. I think, will he still want me? But I have to give it to God..
It isn’t always such an easy thing, even when a husband is intentional about telling his wife she is beautiful. When he doesn’t do that (or when he critiques her appearance), it is even harder to remember that we are beautiful because God created us in His image.
@Tiffanie, you said this, “I know we are instructed to take care of ourselves,”… and I hear this a lot, my question is, where do you find that in the Word?
I believe that many of us women carry around a burden that God never intended for us to carry around. Of course, when we hear our husbands, or the church, or the world, or ladies at Bible study or other Christians say that and maybe throw in some Scriptures out of context, it’s easy to believe that this is “the gospel truth”. I want to encourage you and any other woman or man who believes this, to search this out.
There may be verses out there that I have not seen myself, and I would love to know what they are so I can study them too, but what I see is mainly pointed towards our Spiritual growth, our Spiritual being, our godliness, our spirit… not our physical self nor how we dress nor how we get “dolled up”.
I do believe that when our love and respect grows for our husbands, we will have more of a desire to “look good” for them, but one of the things that gets my husband “revved up” is seeing me in a big fluffy robe, with no make-up and my hair undone. All it took was one time of me surprising him with nothing on under it and me aggressively coming onto him, for him to flash back to that memory every time he sees me in a robe. Our attitudes and actions show our beauty WAY MORE than any physical shape or getting “dolled up” ever could.
You could experiment with ^that^ concept in your “comfortable sweats”. 😉
99% of the time, even the Christian marriage blogs use pictures of beautiful people when portraying happy couples. A very long time ago I got the idea that only the golden people are worth loving, and while I know in my head that is not true, it’s a very deep-seated insecurity. 🙁
We are limited in what images are available for us to use–but you’re right about the message it sends. I chose the image for this post because the woman looked sad and made me think about looking at her from inside the mirror.
What you are saying is so important. I’m struggling through this issue, one I’ve had since I was a teenager (mid 40’s now). I do make progress but my brick wall is my husband’s struggle with porn and sexy images of women that, well, couldn’t look less like me. He says I’m beautiful, he doesn’t criticize, but it is still so hard. It has been helpful though to be reminded that I am responsible for my own issues and sin in this area no matter his choices. But it is hard to relax and trust in marriage, you know? Thanks for your encouragement.
As hard as it is to believe, a husband’s porn use is not about his wife. All we can do is work on the bricks we added to the wall and pray for our husbands to work on their bricks. When your husband tells you that you’re beautiful, decide to believe him in your head, even if your heart struggles with it. You are beautiful.
I know I am not the only woman in the world and certainly not the most beautiful, but I loathe it when my husband says another woman is beautiful or sexy. I know it does not diminish my appeal in his eyes, but knowing other women visually appeal to him in a special way, and sharing that platform with other women is tough. Often, I feel like I am just the head concubine in the harem of his world. Maybe I wouldn’t mind so much if I heard him say I am beautiful and sexy at least as often as I hear him compliment other women.
Yes, I have shared this with him and he thinks I need to get over myself.
That must be very hard to hear. Keep working on knowing that your true beauty comes from God. No less than any other woman, you are made in God’s image. Your husband’s words hurt, I know, but God’s words matter more.