Speak Up

Are you good at speaking up for yourself when it comes to sex?

My husband will agree with me that I have no problem taking and sharing all sorts of details and nuances of things that aren’t particularly important. So why is it so hard to talk about the things that DO matter? When it comes to sex, why do I want him to just read my mind and body?

I love the idea of my husband reading me sexually even better than I can read myself. Unfortunately, Big Guy is operating at a disadvantage. For many years, I deprived him of the opportunity to truly know my body and my sexual response. What he did learn was based on incomplete—and sometimes false—information. Not only is he trying to learn and understand me now, he also has nearly two decades’ worth of incomplete and inaccurate learning to undo. Plus my post-menopausal body doesn’t respond the way it used to. On top of all that, he has a male perspective on sex and sexuality—and that just doesn’t fit his female wife.

It needs to be said.

Friends, our husbands cannot know what we are thinking and feeling if we don’t tell them—and it isn’t reasonable to expect them to do so.

If you want your husband to know you sexually, have the information he needs in order to be a better lover, and be better able to nurture intimacy and pleasure, you’ll need to take the initiative.

You need to speak up for yourself about several things.

Your desires

What sexual activities to you enjoy the most and the least? Why? During a sexual encounter, what would you like to do next? How much time do you want to spend on one activity before you’re ready to proceed to another? What positions are most comfortable and pleasurable for you? Which positions are uncomfortable or just don’t do much for you?

Your sexual response

What helps you focus on sex? How does your body respond—and what does it not respond to? Are there non-sexual ways of connecting that will prepare your mind and body for arousal and responding to sexual stimulation? What helps you keep going sexually, and what do you find distracting?

Your goals

What do you want to accomplish during a sexual encounter? Do you want to have an orgasm, or are you more interested in intimacy and feeling close? Do you want to try for an orgasm and keep going until it happens, or do you want to try for an orgasm and then shift gears if your body isn’t cooperating?

A biblical example

Talking about all these things is easier said than done easier written than said for many of us.

Although I write and talk about sex a LOT, even I have times when it seems easier to be quiet than to speak up for what I’d like.

I tell myself that I don’t want to hurt my husband’s feelings by saying that something isn’t doing anything for me. Sometimes that’s true, but often it is because I am not comfortable saying the words.

At other times, it is because I’m super frustrated with my own body and its lack of response. Rather than invite him into that experience and ask for his help in figuring it out, it is easier to just throw an internal pity party for myself while trying to make sex good for him.

What’s easy isn’t always what’s best, though, is it?

The Bible gives us an example of a woman who speaks up for what she wants sexually. She says what she would like and where she would like to be.

Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits. Song of Songs 4:16

Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste. Let him lead me to the banquet hall, and let his banner over me be love. Song of Songs 2:3-4

I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for me. Come, my beloved, let us go to the countryside, let us spend the night in the villages. Let us go early to the vineyards to see if the vines have budded, if their blossoms have opened, and if the pomegranates are in bloom—there I will give you my love. Song of Songs 7:10-12

Learn to speak up.

I’m a big supporter of baby steps, so let’s take a look at steps we can take to learn to speak up for ourselves.

First, practice with non-sexual topics.

Women often defer to the preferences of others. We often say things like “whatever you’d like is fine” or “I don’t care.”

Look for opportunities to express a preference about non-sexual things. When your husband asks you what movie you would like to watch, what restaurant to go to for your date night, or even which seat to take when you visit friends, use it as an opportunity to become comfortable speaking up about your preferences.

Then introduce sexual topics outside the bedroom.

When you’re alone with your husband and are not in the middle of a sexual encounter, bring up sexual topics.

Start with positive comments. “I really like the way you x my y. “That thing you did last night during foreplay was awesome.” “Morning sex was fun.”

When you’re comfortable with that, make requests. “Can we do that again sometime?” “I’d like to take more time with z next time.” “Do you think we could try a different position for that?”

Finally, speak up during sex.

Again, start with positive comments (or non-verbal responses). “I like the way that feels.” “Yes, keep doing that.” Purr or moan or whatever would communicate to your husband that you like something.

Begin to make requests. You can start with nonverbal requests like moving his hand where you want it to be or simply getting into the position you would like to use. Then use your words: “Please go back to that thing you were doing a few minutes ago.” “I’m not ready for that yet.” “I’d like to do x next.” “My body isn’t cooperating, so I’d like us to focus on you.”

Practice makes progress.

Speaking up for ourselves doesn’t come easily or naturally to a lot of us, especially when it comes to sex. Fortunately, it is something we can learn to do—and the more we do it, the less uncomfortable it becomes.

If you want your husband to know you sexually, you need to speak up for yourself about your desires, your sexual response, and your goals.

The woman in the Song of Songs could speak up for her desires. We can, too.

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine. Song of Songs 1:2

Love Like a Woman: Should Your Sexual Response Be Like Your Husband’s?
Sex Talks
Sexual Honesty
Women’s Sexual Response (podcast episode)

Image credit | satyatiwari at pixabay.com