Nike knows what they’re talking about. Just do it.
Yesterday, I encouraged you to choose just one step to take toward sexual healing. I suggested that you pray for 24 hours about what it would take for you to take that step.
Today, just do it.
When you’ve had habits for a lot of years, it can take courage to try something different even once. Ask yourself, “What is the worst possible thing that might happen if I do this?” It might put things in perspective.
For many years, I wouldn’t let my husband watch me undress. After all, I wouldn’t want him to get any ideas about sex, right? So I would quick pull a shirt off and throw a night shirt on while he was in the bathroom. I would change in the bathroom. A couple times I even slept with a bra on so he wouldn’t see my naked breasts while I was changing.
One of the many things I needed to work on changing was letting my husband see me naked more.
I remember one night while he was in the bathroom. Out of habit, I reached to make sure my sleep shirt was close by before I undressed. I had to remind myself that I was trying to let my husband see me naked more. I had to take deep breaths. I had to remind myself that the worst thing that might happen is that he would want sex. I had to remind myself that this wouldn’t be the end of the world. I had to steel myself to get naked in front of my husband. I was shaking.
It sounds so sad to me now, to think of how very hard it was to let my husband see my breasts. But it was hard, and I did it. I took my shirt off and made myself wait until he got back into the bedroom. I faced away from him, but knew he could see me in the mirror. I removed my bra. And then I decided I might as well give him a real treat. I took a deep breath and turned around, letting me see my droopy stretch-marked breasts in all their natural glory.
He looked like a kid in a candy shop. This used to bug me, because I would feel like he was viewing me only sexually. This time, I reminded myself that it was good that I am the one he desires. I am the only one he looks at with that particular expression on his face. I smiled to myself in amazement that my middle-aged breasts could still do that to him.
When you are trying to change a habit, it helps to be intentional about what you are doing. Choose your action. Think about what is required. Pray about it. Be brave.
Today, do it.
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Moving. Thank you for sharing in such vulnerability. That is tough to do! Encouraging! Blessings to you!
Thank you for the comment and especially for the blessings. Vulnerability is one of the things I continue to work on in my marriage and my life.
Jumped ahead & read today when I haven’t prayed for 24 hours. Your words have brought tears to my eyes… I do the same thing (covering myself)! I hadn’t found your page yesterday, but I decided not to turn away when he watched me in the shower – partly because we’d just had sex 2 days prior, so I thought he’d make the effort to be near me while I was naked & not want sex… I was wrong & it didn’t end well… I’d been doing major home improvement projects all day and was physically and emotionally tired AND the kids were right on the other side of our door in the living room. When he asked me for sex, I told him I was exhausted & didn’t want to. He pressed the issue. I declined again. He pressed again. I went through the long list of reasons why I didn’t want to. He said “there’s no time like the present” and walked out of the bathroom. When I got my clothes on and went to the kitchen to cook dinner (even though I was exhausted), I asked him to put a new (5gal) water bottle on the dispenser, he replied with similar reasons why he couldn’t do it to similar to those I gave him in the bathroom… he was mocking me & making fun of me… Then wasn’t nice to me for the rest of the evening. Sex 2 days ago didn’t change a thing. I’m only as good as my last “no”… In his mind, I refused him AGAIN. He’s still not concerned about what he does makes me feel unloved & used… Maybe I should first pray for 24 hours to let the hurt go… or does that come in time? It’s gonna take a miracle to get me from where I am now to where you are…
Even though you are hurting, I want to celebrate something with you: you didn’t turn away. That was a huge step, and now you know that you can do it.
Doing something brave can make us feel extra vulnerable, though, and sometimes that means that we can hurt even more deeply by our husband’s response.
In a marriage where sex has been a problem, both spouses are operating from a place of hurt. You are hurting—and so is your husband. When our husbands are hurting, their hurt is often expressed in ways that feel very harsh to us. Years of sexual rejection have taken a toll on your husband. A pattern of no can erode a man’s heart in ways I don’t think wives always understand. Sex is a very emotional thing for our husbands, and every no does hurt. Just as we find it hard to step away from our hurt in order to work on sex, a hurting husband will find it hard to step outside of his hurt and think about how his responses make his wife feel.
When I began my journey, I did so with compassion for my husband in the hurt I had caused. You may want to take a look at the comments on this page, submitted by husbands who have been hurting deeply for many years. For months, when my husband did or said something hurtful, I reminded myself that it came from his own hurt.
Acknowledging your husband’s hurt doesn’t mean that you are letting go of your own. It just means that you acknowledge that he, too, is hurting and that his hurt is no less valid than yours. Letting go of your own hurt may take some time. Frankly, I still struggle in this area from time to time.
Consider praying for God to give you a heart for your husband and his hurt. Just start there.