For so many years of our marriage, I thought my husband valued me only for sex.
He would tell me I was beautiful, say that he loved me, and hold me when I cried . . . and I thought it was just so he could have sex. After all, it seemed that he paid attention to me the most right before he asked for sex.
I was convinced that he saw me as little more than a vessel or human masturbatory sleeve. As crude as it sounds, it is what I truly believed.
It was a major factor in my resistance to sex. Why would I want to do something that was just for him that would remind me of how unimportant I was?
Due to a legitimate biological need for the release of semen, my husband was driven to distraction when he wasn’t having enough sex. Although he said that what he wanted was intimacy, the physical need for release often seemed to drive him. While he wanted me to enjoy sex, too, he was often somewhat desperately focused on his own orgasm.
Many of our sexual encounters ended up being quickies. He was desperate for release and for a semblance of intimacy, and I was desperate to get it over with. Although this wasn’t what he truly wanted in intimacy, it was what he often asked for because I was more willing to give him my body for a few minutes than try to truly connect with him sexually.
His desperation for his orgasm reinforced my belief that all he wanted me for was sex. (See He Only Wants Me for Sex.) Even more, my continual resistance to sex convinced my husband that he needed to take me up on the opportunity before I changed my mind.
He said that what he wanted was intimacy and emotional connection, but I truly didn’t believe him. He said he wanted my desire for him, and I didn’t believe that, either.
My husband is now a middle-aged man (see Sex in the Middle) with a willing wife, so the old desperation from a combination of his youth and my resistance has largely been replaced by an appreciation for the journey as well as the destination.
For several years now, sex has been mutual most of the time. One of us initiates and then we both make sure the other one has a good time. We also have times of complete giving, from one to the other, where the entire purpose of the encounter is to bless the other one with care and attention. Sex is an emotional connection with a physical pathway.
I believe that Big Guy values the emotional connection of sex and not just the physical. I believe that he values my own sexual pleasure as much as his own.
But . . .
. . . these are things I believe because I have decided to believe them (sort of like when he tells me I am beautiful or that he would die for me). I believe them because I have made a choice to assume the truth of his words to me about our marriage.
Most of the time, I believe it all in my heart, too—but there are still moments when I wonder if it’s really true. About once a year, I start to question whether I’ve fallen for a big scam. I never doubt for long. All I have to do is look at the many ways our marriage is better now. I see all the ways my husband loves me well, and it is easy to believe again. But yes, I have moments when I doubt that my husband values the emotional intimacy and my pleasure as much as he does his own happy ending.
This week, for the first time in a while, my husband was driven to distraction by his physical need despite the fact that he had not been experiencing a lack of sex.
He told me what he wanted: a good orgasm that happened as soon as possible. He admitted that he was so distracted that he was finding it difficult to think about taking care of me, too. He wanted something quick and focused on his orgasm.
For many years, this kind of request from my husband led me to great distress. I would have been convinced, again, of his perception of me as nothing more than an orgasm tool. I would have either given in, feeling a lot of resentment, or said no, also feeling a lot of resentment.
So I here I was the other day, facing a situation that used to upset me a great deal.
Now, however, I know that my husband values me in many ways. He shows me—in bed and out of it, every single day. I know that if I had a similar need, my husband would take care of me well.
Whereas his request would have once caused a rift between us for days, now it reminded me of all the ways we have built intimacy between us.
In a clear indication of the change in my heart, I realized that I was thrilled. My husband felt sexually safe enough to ask me for something quick and just for him! He could trust me with his desires. I was so happy to be reminded of how far we’ve come, and I immediately got to work doing what he needed. I was enthusiastic and accommodating.
The experience did nothing for me sexually, but I was emotionally engaged and overwhelmed by the fact that my husband felt safe enough to ask for something quick. I was happy to be doing what I was doing because I wanted to bless my husband.
What happened next surprised us both.
We accomplished our goal (which was not the surprising part). After we were done, my husband looked puzzled and sad. Really, Big Guy? I thought. You were sad after that?
I asked him if he was okay. He thought for a minute, giving me sad eyes.
“It didn’t feel real,” he said. “You were there, but you weren’t into it. Without you wanting to enjoy it with me and with me not caring about your enjoyment, it just felt . . . empty.”
He knew I was willing and giving. He knew that he hadn’t taken anything that I hadn’t offered—yet something was missing.
Despite my efforts and obvious willingness, he felt like he was using me as a vessel. It left him feeling emotionally unfulfilled.
Big Guy has had several years of very fulfilling sex in his marriage. He treasures my complete participation and our mutual enjoyment.
Without these things, sex feels empty to him.
This wasn’t the first quickie since our marriage has changed. However, it was the first one in which he was so distracted by his own need for release that he wasn’t thinking about mine.
I had chosen to believe what he says about emotional intimacy and my enjoyment, but I didn’t fully believe in my heart.
My husband had always known he valued our intimacy and our enjoyment, but even he was surprised by the contrast between a non-mutual quickie and the intimacy we usually have.
Now I’ve seen with my own eyes a truth I hadn’t fully believed—a sadness that came from non-mutual sex.
It was a sadness that had probably been in his eyes for many years.
Now that I have truly seen it for the first time, I believe that he wants me for far more than an orgasm. I believe that he cherishes my pleasure as much as my own.
Neither of us will ever doubt again how much emotional intimacy and mutual enjoyment matter to us.
Image courtesy of foto76 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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Wow! I’m glad he was able to share that moment with you and not be scared to let his emotions show. That’s powerful!
I agree. That in itself was another sign of how much our marriage has changed. In fact, he was the one who suggested this post (and he helped me be sure I captured it accurately, too).
I had the same reaction as Stuart. Very powerful.
Powerful!
It was a powerful realization for both of us.
A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!
Thanks!
Wow. Yeah. That’s how all our sex is at the moment, because we don’t know how to connect, so it’s never meaningful or satisfying, though he usually gets off. This is a great illustration of the difference it makes when things are usually better.
Or possibly a moment of you being sacrificial in your love brought conviction of his selfishness? Just a thought. Humbling on his part to say that out loud.
It’s hard for a husband to share if he’s afraid of being shot down by his one sexual partner for all time.
Linked here.
Moments like this help me to see how far we’ve come in our healing.
I can identify with your husband so well! My wife has never refused to have sex if I wanted, she just doesn’t really enjoy it, and that kind of spoils it for me. This is especially hard for husbands to deal with, as it’s not refusal, or gatekeeping, but it does not provide the connection we so long for. This is one of only a handful of posts I’ve read on any blogs, to address this situation. I know you write this for wives, to help them see how, it’s about so much more than sex, and I just wanted to add a hearty AMEN!, to your post.
I would also like to add Thomas Bittner aka Genuine Husband posted an excellent series of post entitled,” Why Husbands Leave” that I believe is a must read for wives wishing to understand their husbands. I had my wife read it some years ago, and it marked a turning point in our relationship.
That was an eye-opening series for me.
Here are the direct links for anyone who might be interested:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Ted’s first comment above resonates with me. Sex for a man is about value and connection. It may seem obvious that a man asking for a quickie is only after an orgasm, but that is unlikely since he could take care of that all by himself. Instead, he made himself vulnerable to his wife’s rejection, toleration, and or derision. He has implicitly declared that his wife is worth the risk just by asking. And — he hopes he is valuable to her, too, otherwise there won’t be a connection.
That is actually the motivation for many men who go astray into pornography. It isn’t that it makes him feel valued. It’s that it feeds his delusional fantasy that the woman in the picture would do those things just for him! that she would find him amazing and show it by giving herself completely.
Similarly, I worked with a man years ago who was absolutely astonished that a prostitute he had visited several times refused to leave her life behind to go off and be with him. Of course she knew what he wanted, and she was good at pretending for him. Regardless of her acting skill, he knew what she was but that didn’t matter. She made him feel like /her/ king, /her/ hero, like she craved him. He swallowed the delusion whole, and it took a while before he could get over it.
The point of those two examples is just to show that in cases where nearly everyone thinks, “oh, he is just a hoser who wants an orgasm”, it is still _very_ often about the very same things a husband wants: value and connection. Yes, they really are that powerful in a man’s life. Yes, there are psychopaths out there, but most men (especially those who care about God) want these things, even if he is talking about the physical cravings he has for his wife.
Some men may not be focussed on, or aware of, all their motivations at all times. Sometimes he may actually say that he just needs a release, but it isn’t likely to be very satisfying as Big Guy can attest. If a man knows that temptation is increasing, and he comes to his wife for a quickie… he may not put it this way, but he is asking her to protect his spirit with her affection. Yes, he is too! 😉 In fact, the more enthusiastic, and sincerely affectionate she is, the better the protection! It is probably more important than the quality of his orgasm! (I think most men would agree). If she isn’t willing, it puts him in a very uncomfortable place of trying to understand why she doesn’t care about his struggle, or enjoy being his desire and his help. That caring and enjoying is the real treasure he wants. He didn’t ask her to eat a bowl of dirt, but he feels like that’s how she values him.
If your husband asks you for a quickie, he is valuing you and your affection, and he is trusting you. Please don’t be disgusted, or feel degraded. Respond in like kind and bless his spirit, even if he didn’t say that was what he needed.
I hope this comment will help someone.
What an awesome explanation. Thanks for sharing it with us. 🙂
Nope it just confused me. A bit like this article has. Not sure exactly what’s being said here at all. I feel the article is somewhat contradictory.