Most of the time I write posts directly for women who have struggled with sexual intimacy in their marriages. I write to encourage them in their growth, pursue healing and wholeness, and deal with their own pain. I aim to express compassion and understanding for their struggle, even as I encourage them to do uncomfortable things.
This post is a little different in that it is indirect. It is for the husbands, pastors, and friends of Christian wives who struggle with sex. How can we encourage and support these women in a Christ-like way?
Let me start with the unpleasant stuff. It needs to be said in order to provide a foundation for what I want to say. Otherwise, I would save it for the end or I wouldn’t say it at all—for reasons that I hope will be clear by the end of the post.
The Bible says very clearly that a husband has sexual responsibility to his wife and that a wife has sexual responsibility to her husband.
Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 NASB
Sexual connection should be a regular part of a healthy marriage. It’s right there in the Bible.
It’s simple to see that my long-time refusal to pursue a good sexual relationship with my husband violated these instructions. It was sin, because my heart was in a place of self-centeredness, with no concern for what my husband was experiencing in our marriage.
Let me be very clear about this: I don’t think that every “no” is a sin, nor do I think that we are required to give our spouses whatever they want in the marriage bed, whenever they want it. We should pursue a healthy sexual relationship with each other. Sometimes that means that sex is set aside during a time of healing and recovery, whether it be physical, emotional, or relational. In these cases, the healing and recovery are part of the long-term pursuit of sexual intimacy.
Generally speaking, though, a refusal to pursue healthy sexual intimacy or to address the problems that interfere is wrong.
What I want to talk about today is how we should deal with that—and why I don’t think a focus on sin is the way to go.
Confronting Others about Their Sin
I’ve been the wife who avoided and resisted sex for many years. I know what it’s like to have someone point out, “Hey, sister. You’re sinning. Cut it out!” When I was presented with Bible verses that indicated that I was sinning, I thought that I was being guilted into more sex, that my husband was “Bible-bashing” me, and that I was being told that my own hurt didn’t matter at all.
Even so, I’ve certainly written a few posts about it. I have used the term “sexual refusal” to describe a pattern of a wife saying no to sex and refusing to have a sexual relationship with her husband.
Some folks think I’ve gotten soft around the sin issue: “The Bible clearly says that there is only one reason not to have sex, and it requires the consent of both spouses. You’re giving women a pass.” Or “You focus too much on women learning to enjoy sex instead of just reminding them that it’s their duty to give their husbands sex.” Or “You’re allowing women to find excuses. How hard can sex be? It only takes ten minutes and some lube.”
We do need to confront others about their sins. The Bible tells us so:
Matthew 18 says that if another Christian sins, we are to confront privately. If they don’t listen, we are to confront with several witnesses. If that doesn’t work, we go to the church.
Galatians 6:1 tell us to restore the sinning person gently while being careful to avoid temptation ourselves.
Proverbs 27:16 says that we are to sharpen one another.
Too often, when people talk about confronting a wife about the sin of sexual refusal, their focus is on rules and rights. “You’re supposed to have sex.” “Your husband has a right to sex.” “It’s your duty.” “Your husband has authority over your body.”
Confronting sin in others should never be about getting our way. It shouldn’t even be about rules. Rather, it should be about restoring that person to full community and connection with God and others.
We have a responsibility to speak the truth to others, even when it is difficult.
So why don’t I spend more time here talking about sexual refusal as sin? Why doesn’t my blog spend more time hanging out in the sin section of the internet?
One reason is that it is often counter-productive. Confronting sin works best in the context of a relationship. For some women, the words of a stranger will be what reaches through their resistance and clearly shows them their sin. For many women, though, it just seems to be using a Bible to bash them over the head for their actions without also inviting them to more Christ-like love and a reminder of grace. They will hear the words better from someone who they know cares about them.
For most women who avoid and resist sex, sexual refusal is usually a symptom of a deeper problem. The avoidance of sex often creates new problems as well, but a pattern of avoiding and resisting sex usually reflects something else that is going on.
In my case, sexual refusal reflected a sinful focus on myself. Instead of trying to be more Christ-like in my treatment of my husband, I wallowed in my own hurt and resentment. Instead of accepting forgiveness for the sins of my past, I was dragging them around and letting them define me.
Other women avoid sex because of negative teaching about sex, untreated or difficult physical pain, bad experiences that have taught them men can’t be trusted, a childhood that taught them to avoid intimacy in order to keep secrets, or sexuality that has been damaged by trauma. Sometimes, a husband’s unrepentant sin against his wife is the very thing that keeps her from having sex with him. (In that case, he is the one who has deprived her of a healthy sexual relationship, not the other way around.)
When we speak to women about sexual refusal, we may think we are speaking into a hidden place of sin.
Consider, instead, that in many of these situations, we are speaking into a hidden suffering.
Speaking the Truth in Love
Ephesians 4:15 doesn’t directly address sin, but it does say something important about how we should speak about difficult truths:
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.
I’ve seen far too many people point out the sins of others and then say, “Don’t blame me. I’m just speaking the truth in love.” As far as I’m concerned, if speaking an unpleasant truth is the only way you demonstrate your love for someone, I’m not so sure that should count as speaking the truth in love.
Besides, that isn’t the only part of that verse that matters. Let’s look again.
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.
We speak the truth in love so we grow and become more Christ-like.
In other words, when we confront someone with their sin, we need to do so in a way that is Christ-like. This verse refers to us collectively, as the body of Christ.
What does that look like? What should we as the church do? What would Christ do?
What Jesus Did
An unwillingness to enjoy sexual intimacy has two possible causes: sin and suffering. In fact, the two are often combined. Refusing to have sex often is a response to suffering. It may be a sinful response (although this depends on the circumstances), but suffering is at the root of it.
Jesus certainly did not shy away from women’s sin and suffering, and neither should we. But I think we really need to look at how He did it.
In John 4, we see Jesus’s conversation with the Samaritan woman. He doesn’t start off by pointing out her sin. Instead, He mentions eternal life. He then shows her that He knows her. Only then does He hint that she is in sin. He invites her to God. He acknowledges her experiences. He says, “I see what you are experiencing. I know you. You are loved.” The invitation toward healing, grace, and love happens before any mention of sin. In fact, it is Jesus’s knowledge and understanding of her life that convinces her of the truth. She exclaims to the townspeople that He knew everything she had ever done. Jesus knows and understands her.
John 8 shows us Jesus’s conversation with the woman caught in adultery. Most of the time we focus on His words to her to go and sin no more. But even before He speaks of her sin, He does something else that matters: He provides safety for her. He tells those who have no sin of their own to cast the first stone. Naturally, everyone leaves. Jesus has removed the danger for her. His first words to her are an acknowledgement of her safety. Only then does He tell her to sin no more. Jesus makes her feel safe before He addresses her sin.
A Christ-like approach to women in sin is to acknowledge where they are, let them know they are loved, make sure they are safe—and only then to talk about their sin.
Jesus takes pretty much the same approach when it comes to women who are suffering.
- He rebukes Simon’s mother-in-law’s fever (Luke 4), thereby removing the cause of her pain.
- In Mark 5/Luke 17 and in Luke 13, we see women whose suffering ended when Jesus acknowledged their faith. “Daughter, your faith has made you well,” He said, “Woman, you are set free from your infirmity.”
- When he brings a 12-year-old girl back to life in Mark 5, Jesus makes sure she gets something to eat. He heals her, and He makes sure she has what she need to continue living.
- In Luke 7, before He restores the life of the widow’s son, He expresses compassion for the widow and acknowledges her tears.
- Later in Luke 7, a woman is forgiven—but first she has been allowed to weep at Jesus’s feet and anoint Him.
- In Matthew 15/Mark 7, He speaks to a Canaanite woman struggling with her child who was possessed by a demon. She isn’t Jewish so clearly doesn’t follow all the religious rules expected of children of Israel. Jesus ends her suffering and heals her daughter anyway.
- When Jesus is called to the tomb of Lazarus, He first provides comfort and gives the sisters hope.
Jesus responds to women in sin and women in suffering in the same way.
He provides safety and comfort. He removes danger. He addresses that which causes pain. He acknowledges their tears. He gives them hope. And only then do we see Him gently tell them not to sin.
Go and Do Likewise
So that’s why I don’t say a whole lot about sexual refusal as sin. It isn’t that I don’t think there is a time for that. I do, so sometimes I write posts about it. That is part of what we should do as the body of Christ.
Mostly, though, I want to acknowledge what wives are experiencing, help them feel safe, deal with their pain, and give them hope—because that’s what Jesus would do.
If you work with Christian wives who struggle with sexual intimacy, I encourage you to think about what it really means to speak the truth in love so we grow to become the mature body of Christ who is the head of the church.
When Jesus spoke to women in sin and suffering, He put their safety, healing, and physical and emotional wholeness first. Only then did He address their sin, inviting them to eternal wholeness through Him. Isn’t that what we should do, too?
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Explaining that sometimes the husband’s unrepentant sin is what causes the woman to be in sin and not have sexual relationship is the man’s fault so she both sits in judgment and decides what his sins are as well as is not responsible for her own sins because he is?
How does one sit in judgement of her husband sins and then has no responsibility for her own actions?
It’s one thing if she takes her husband to the church body and points out a sin and that the church body can sit in judgment.
But I’m still confused as to how or why that removes her agency of her own sin.
In dealing with my own situation we have gone before the pastor and an elder and they refused to call sexual refusal sin while not pointing out any sins that I the husband have committed against my wife.
I have been relegated to the role of ATM with no rights as a husband..
Your own hurt is showing you things in my post that I didn’t say.
I never said that a wife has no responsibility for her own actions, nor did I say that his actions justify her sin. I am not sitting in judgment of anyone here. I am simply trying to explain some of the nuances, because every marriage has two sinful individual who have their own struggles. The point of this post is to explain why I approach women’s sin the way I do–because it is how Jesus treated women who sin. He provided safety and healing before talking about sin.
If I were ministering to men–which I am not–I would be looking for ways to support them in their healing even if they had a sinful response to their pain. That said, if a husband is unrepentantly sinning against his wife (such as abuse, pornography use, or infidelity)–and especially if he is telling her it is her fault rather than owning his sin for himself, then he is the one who has violated the sanctity of the marriage bed, not her. I am not about to tell a wife that she has to go have sex with her husband who is having an affair just because he has rights. The moment we focus on rights, we have lost sight of God’s purpose for sex in marriage. Sex is about becoming one flesh, uniting us. A conversation about rights is a conversation that divides rather than unites.
Much of what I do here is educate. Many women genuinely don’t understand why sex is such a big deal for men. They may honestly think that if they are having sex once a month, they are doing what they are supposed to do: “If we have sex every few weeks, then how am I depriving him?” They don’t understand. James 4:17 says, “If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.”
I am sorry that you feel that you are nothing more than an ATM to your wife. That is not okay, and if she were to come to me, I would tell her so. If your wife is withholding sex, your church leadership should have addressed that as sin with her–just as they should address your sins with you.
What I say doesn’t apply in all marriages. I would like to suggest three resources for you to explore for yourself. They are all quite different from each other, and perhaps one of them can help you begin your own healing.
The Marriage Bed forums
Curmudgeonly Librarian Sexless Marriage Series
Active Manhood Ultimate Guide to Surviving a Sexless Marriage <
I have survived almost 20 years. I will not survive a 21st. I eagerly await your article that blames women for their husbands porn addiction as you have blamed men for their wives unwillingness to have sex. Good day.
I want to make a few responses, and then I want to ask you two questions.
First, my responses . . .
Now for my questions . . .
I’d like to close with a reminder. This blog exists to encourage wives. I say what I do in the way I do because I am looking for the words that will encourage women to be better wives who love their husbands as their husbands need to be loved. I want to invite women to better lives that draw them closer to God. Even in the comment section, I try to be mindful of the impact of my words on the women who God has called me to serve in this ministry. I am not giving them a pass or an excuse for anything. I am saying things in a way that they will be willing to hear.
I know that it can be painful to husbands to read some of my posts. I understand that from the perspective of your own pain, what I frame as “I understand why you do this” can be read as “therefore it is okay for you to do it.” That isn’t what I mean, and the reason I do this was the central point of this particular post. If reading my posts adds to your pain, you are better off reading other blogs. Seek support for yourself. Find encouragement from other men who understand your struggle. If my blog upsets you, then give yourself a break.
To your first question I was being facetious everyone’s sin is on their own shoulders no one else’s.
Including Women’s refusals to be intimate with their husbands. There is no if ands or buts. There is no nuance scripture is clear on this point.
If a woman refuses to be intimate with her husband it is sin.
Just as it is sin for a man To look at pornography. Or any other woman other than his wife.
To your second question. No one is saying that men are not guilty of sin when looking at pornography. No one is ever saying that. What we do have is women saying that they might not be guilty of sin if they refuse their husbands sexually based on their husbands actions. That is my objection
My objection is in the not calling sin a sin when relating with women’s issues because we’re worried about feelings.
Would it make a difference in my life if someone actually called out my wife’s sin?
You bet it would.
Because she thinks she isn’t doing anything wrong and that I should just accept it.
And no I’m not asking anyone to excuse me of my sins if/when I sin.
I would ask a brother or sister in Christ to call me out for my sins and help me overcome them.
I’m not asking you to blame women for their husbands pornography problem however much they contribute to it.
Although I do believe that women having more/better sex can Aleve much of this problem by meeting his sexual needs.
I’m using this to point out that you’re blaming men for women’s intimacy problems and not calling it sin.
I am pointing out the hypocrisy and blaming men for their wives intimacy problems and not calling it sin.
I consider you a sister in Christ and when you do not call sin a sin you do a disservice to those that follow you.
Do you believe that a wife is in sin if she refuses to have sex with a husband who abuses her?
Wow! Such a good post! Totally true! I love serving Jesus! He’s so good!
Thank you.
I had a well known male sexual intimacy guru unfollow me on Twitter. He engaged with me and asked if I often use 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 in my writing. I told him that I do not. Humiliation and shame are not permanent motivators. Building relationship, as you have mentioned, and gaining respect without beating a wife up will create long term change. Mentorship is the most effective form of change. “Love happens before any mention of sin.” When my husband was deep into pornography (unbeknownst to me), there was a very real lack of connection. The beauty of our journey is that we both looked at our brokenness at the same time. You can’t demand others to look at their brokenness without looking at your own at the same time.
Thank you for sharing your testimony, Bonny. I suspect that in most hurting marriages, there are two hurting spouses, not just one.
” “The Bible clearly says that there is only one reason not to have sex, and it requires the consent of both spouses. You’re giving women a pass.” Or “You focus too much on women learning to enjoy sex instead of just reminding them that it’s their duty to give their husbands sex.” Or “You’re allowing women to find excuses. How hard can sex be? It only takes ten minutes and some lube.””
These comments are extremely concerning, and highlight the unspoken culture of “men are more important, and men need sex, so women should just give it – plus ‘the bible says so’, how convenient”. Comments like “you can only not have sex when both spouses consent” seem to almost be encouraging rape, for goodness’ sake. I often feel sick at some of the responses to Christian posts about ‘rights’ and ‘consent’. Is the church really still at this place!?
I have never found you soft or permissive of sin at all. And you hit the nail on the head: confrontation works best in a relationship context. All the blogs/posts I’ve read that are confrontational (preaching the “you should just do it” message) lack wisdom, nuance, and compassion.
I’m sorry you have to encounter such horrendously stupid comments. I can’t tell you what a blessing it is for there to be someone preaching a message of grace AND truth, gently revealing sin while giving encouragement and practical tips for overcoming that and finding healing. Without it, I fear the other messages would actually exacerbate the problems. So thank you – truly – for all you do!
Thank you so much for this comment. Many of the messages about rights come from a place of deep hurt and loneliness. But most Christian husbands don’t want sex that is done only out of obedience and duty. They want sex that involves mutual desire and enjoyment. A claimed right isn’t very sweet or satisfying.
I find myself agreeing with what you wrote, in practice, but I find myself having some difficulty with the principals behind it.
I am going to come at a few of your statements rather hard, so please don’t take it personally.
You said you felt like you were being beat over the head with a Bible, but the truth is that all you cared about were your own feelings. To hear you describe it, your heart was tender, and I don’t doubt that perception, but it was also as hard as a rock.
I am not attacking, but just pointing out the truth as I see it, and it is in my own past failings that I see it for what it is. As someone who had a severe anger problem(sin problem), I always responded to my own feelings, with no regard to others. While my sin was different, it was rooted in many of the same hurts. You were doing damage to one relationship, while I damaged many. Like you, I only reformed when I became convicted.
That said, I have never heard anyone say that the sin of anger should not be called out for what it is. In the time since I have repented and changed my behavior, I have called out a number of men on their own anger issues, and I have seen changes. I can do so in truth and in love, because I know the sin it is, I know the damage it does, and I know that it doesn’t have to be. I think that my own past gives me a better chance to reach these men in many cases, than even the preacher has. I am able to meet them where they are, and tell them without reservation that their circumstances does not excuse their behavior.
I honestly think that you have a similar opportunity, but that in many cases you are soft, and you do sugar coat things more than you should when you make too much of the womans feelings, and not enough of the sin aspect of it. Most are probably tougher than you think, and would not shy away. Those that do, are probably unreachable, just as I was in the past. It isn’t that I couldn’t hear the truth, but rather I wouldn’t have known it if I heard it, and it didn’t matter how it was presented.
I am not unsympathetic. I know there are a lot of wounded hearts out there.
I disagree completely with your last statement. I think you mean well, but biblically it is inaccurate. Jesus may well have spoken to their safety and healing first, but their wholeness is only achieved in turning from their sin. Their sin was the only thing keeping them from an everlasting life, and he died later to atone for that sin and to provide everlasting life. He cared deeply about their earthly condition, but it was their eternal condition that was always first in his heart.
I have acknowledged many times that I had a hard heart, toward both my husband and God. I don’t think I sugar coat things. I talk a lot about feelings because I am trying most to reach the women you might say are unreachable. I’m reaching out to them where they are. I will rethink the wording of the last sentence. As I wrote it, my thought was pretty much what you describe–but the words I wrote didn’t capture that right.
I revised the last bit in a way that captures what I was trying to say while acknowledging your good point as well.
110% agree man with out map…
Chris may not post this but here goes.
We all come here with different issues and hurts.
I believe what Chris is saying is the only way to get through to women.
I have never been a refuser but I am a full fledged gatekeeper. If I weren’t, there would be no sex at all.
Before marriage, I was a sexual assault victim advocate. I saw the damage rape did to women. I heard the horrible stories. I heard men do things I couldn’t even imagine. Now, it’s up for debate if rape is a sex crime or a crime of violence, but either way, sex is the weapon of choice. I entered marriage having been awakened to a twisted, ugly side of male sexuality. I entered marriage afraid of my husband’s sexual potential and possible sexual thoughts.
Not long into our marriage, I found my husband’s porn stash. He brought his porn use with him to the marriage. I actually thought all men watched porn. He thought nothing of it. No big deal.
I was curious and decided to see what he had been watching. Bad mistake. In my mind (obviously not his) he was turned on by repulsive degrading acts. Acts I would have never thought would cross anyone’s mind. I was aghast that he could watch such things let alone get aroused by them. My fear of my husband’s sexuality became reinforced, by him.
In order for me to come to grips with my reality, in order for me to remain sexual with my husband, I had to mentally and emotionally detach my husband’s sexuality from my husband. In my mind, his male sexuality was ugly and scary and I didn’t want that to be a part of the man I loved so dear. I didn’t trust male sexuality.
My sin is gatekeeping. My sin is fear. Many sexual “interests” of my husband’s trigger a visceral flight response in me. I’ve been working on getting past this for years. I’ve been working on finding the beauty in sexual intimacy with my husband. I’ve been trying to get past the fear and detachment and find this “so called” connection people talk about.
If my husband were to have thrown my sin in my face and not have been willing to see my hurt and fear, if he wouldn’t have been willing to work with me but rather have told me to buck up and honor my sexual responsibilities because he had needs, I would have been long gone. How can a woman ever come to know or see the beauty in sex if the one person who can open her up to that aspect doesn’t care why she feels the way she does? How can a woman ever learn to trust her husband’s sexuality if he doesn’t show her it’s a safe place to be?
Thank you for sharing this. Your story is a big part of why I approach sin as I do here.
That’s all good but after 20 years I’m the one that will be long gone….
It isn’t okay that you are hurting so much in your marriage. Please seek some support for yourself.
I have been seeking help for years. Even when my wife pushed me to the ground or elbowed me in the head the response from pastors and marriage councillors was well your a big guy. 70% of unresipicated DV is women hitting men. My self included. And Every time I’m told to suck it up and forgive and give her more time…
The DV is relatively new only the past two years the withholding started on our honeymoon.
I started seeking advice on our honeymoon. Was tools to give it time….. got so bad I reached out to her father he said…. I’ll pray oh and give it time…. pastor give it time…. Bc you see none of them ever would call it sin.
How much pain could you have saved your husband if only someone told you that you were in sin against him?
It is not okay that your wife has treated you this way, either with sex or with the domestic violence. If this has been going on for a while and you have made numerous attempts to address it, then perhaps separation or divorce would be called for.
You ask how much pain I could have saved my husband if someone had told me I was sinning against him. It wouldn’t have mattered, and here’s why: I had reasons I was not having sex with him. The lack of sex reflected my own hurt–some of which he caused. I truly believed that if he would change how he treated me emotionally, I would be able to want and have sex with him. Because I 1) genuinely believed it was his fault that I didn’t want to have sex, and 2) didn’t understand that sex was a means of emotional connection for him, I simply would not have agreed that I was in sin. If someone would have pushed the point, I either would have left the marriage or I would have caved in for heartless duty sex for the rest of our marriage. I would have resented my husband for it, and the chance at real intimacy would have been gone.
Or do believe that a man should stay with a women that takes financial advantage of a man?…. in your abuse question. The answers is depends… if he is abusing him she can always call the cops…. if she is simply not having sex tell me what is his legal recourse. If she doesn’t want to call the cops why not? If she forgives him she needs to forgive him and not hold it as a power chip to be played later or as an excuse not to have sex while still taking from him. The bibical term is defraud.
His legal recourse is divorce. If she forgives him for an offense against her, then I would agree that she needs to not hold it against him. Marriage shouldn’t employ any power chips at all.
@hurting419years Chris has been incredibly patient and kind, answering each of your concerns with empathy and explanation. I read your story, and I also ache for what has happened in your marriage…because it is certainly not how it should be, how God intended marriage to be. But you seem to be spewing on Chris all the frustrations you’ve had with other people not addressing your wife’s behaviors toward you, and she is not responsible for what someone else said to you or your wife. Chris is ministering to her audience here—and doing a world of good, might I add. Her track record of caring about marriages in which a husband is not getting the sex he desires is impeccable, so you’re hurling your anger in the wrong direction.
And frankly—Chris would never say this, but I will—why would any woman want to sleep with a guy who’s that bitter and demanding she pony up the sexual favors?! I’m not at all excusing your wife’s sin, but I am saying that God isn’t going to excuse your anger or bitterness or public insults about your wife and others because you’re hurt about her withholding sex. At least, I wouldn’t try using that defense with Him. If you want real advice about your situation, I invite you to come over to my blog and read my series on sexless marriage.
And let Chris continue her beautiful ministry here. She speaks so well to women’s hearts and helps them move away from the sin and suffering of sexless marriage. It’s God calling for her.
Thanks for your support, J. Could you please share the link to your sexless marriage series? Even though my ministry isn’t for hurting husbands, I want to point them toward places that can help.
This is the last post in the series, but it has links to all the prior entries. And yes, one should read them in order. http://hotholyhumorous.com/2017/11/qa-with-j-what-can-i-do-about-my-sexless-marriage-part-4/ Thanks, Chris!
Thank you, J!
Wow! There are a couple of gentlemen here who seem to be using their Bibles as physical weapons against their accused significant others rather than the spiritually, morally enlightening prose the good book was intended to be. I can see the title of their pamphlet on how to make a Christian based marriage work read something like, “Give your husband sex, good sex, very often…And repent if you feel otherwise”. Don’t fret gentlemen, I’m no genius on the topic myself, but I do know this; Women don’t like being told they “have to”. Even if they know they do. That and oral hygiene. Always practice good oral hygiene.
Once Bitten
I am curious to know if you have ever attended therapy or counseling. In your experiences as a sexual assault advocate, your own attitudes and ideas regarding sex became somewhat distorted, much as your husbands may have been distorted by porn. You exposed yourself to the worst kinds of acts, by the worst kinds of men, and it colored your perception of men as a whole. I applaud you and thank you for the service and the sacrifice.
That said, first responders are routinely provided counseling because of what they are exposed to. Soldiers are provided counseling because of what they are exposed to. Many do so reluctantly, but the collective wisdom is that they should go, and are often made to go against their will.
I am telling you this because you place a lot of emphasis on what you see as your husbands perceptions about sex (tho if he hasn’t told you directly, you have no idea if your assumptions are correct), but you have also been affected in a negative way about sex, and you clearly battle some wrong thinking of your own.
Man without a map
During my year of volunteering, we had routine group debriefings and a social worker was always available for one on one. I was young (fresh out of college) and had not been sexual yet and truly had no idea how that experience would come back to haunt my married sex life.
My husband was a little older when we married. He had lived a wild “frat house” kind of life. He was open about his escapades. Many stories I wish he had never told me. In our 30 years of marriage, I believe he has learned a lot about female sexuality and sensitivity. He’s learned how his attitudes have affected my attitudes. He’s had no choice really. My experiences and stories have made him look at his own opinions about sex and women. We have both learned and hopefully grown.
I may never get to a place of sexual relaxation and self expression, or to ever know what sexual satisfaction means or feels like. To this day, my husband can’t use the words fun and/or play in the same sentence as sex.
We all have our own stories. We all have our own lessons to learn. Hopefully, we all move forward.
I truly believe that Women don’t shut off from sex “just because”. There’s always a reason and my guess it’s not because they like being mean to their husband.
PS: “You have exposed yourself to the worst kinds of acts, by the worst kind of men”. The worst kind of acts, maybe. The worst kind of men? You would be surprised by what kind of men commit those kinds of acts. That’s been my toughest hurdle to get over.
Chris I think you do are a blessing to the many hurting women out there and I benefit from your posts by understanding women and their emotional responses and how they impact other areas of their lives and marriage. You have a great ministry here!
I know this was a difficult post. I see real pain in some of the comments on many of your blogs and this one is no different.
This blog gave me great insight into the value of our approaches when we feel called to address sin in others!
Please, keep up the great work!
The most challenging comments I receive on posts tend to come from places of deep hurt and frustration. Thanks for taking time to comment!
I will never forget a conversation a friend had with me in college, when I was steeped in sexual sin. She confronted me and even used the words “you sold out” to show me my sin. What was my reaction? Did I change? Nope. I was completely defensive, even aggressive back toward her, and arrogant about my position. BUT inside, I was hurting…deeply. I was making terrible choices, and the problem wasn’t that I didn’t know what I was doing was wrong — I just had no idea how to get from where I was to where I should be. I desperately wanted someone to understand why I’d gotten in that pit and then offer me a hand to help me out.
THAT is what you do here, Chris. And it’s a beautiful thing. Yes, of course, I eventually had to address my actions being sin, but it’s interesting that you used examples from John in your post, because that’s where my healing really began: I went back to the Bible and started reading through the Gospel of John, wanting a fresh look at who Jesus really was. In those pages, I found a Savior who opposed evil but showed compassion, who stood up to bullies but comforted the fragile, who insisted on righteousness but gave mercy.
Jesus knew that if you want to heal the sheep, you have to bring them into the fold. And acknowledging the hurt and pain of the wounds, however they came to be, is part of healing. This is true for both husband and wife in these tough situations, but your calling is to speak to the wives and you do it beautifully. Keep going.
The more I’ve matured, the more I’ve found myself drawn to John. Looking at it recently with an eye toward how Jesus treated hurting women reaffirmed my commitment to what I do.
But in my case it is my husband who refuses sex nigh on 3 years no sex sad and when I bring it up I am accused of browbeating him so I just keep shut and am so completely turned off that his touch sickens me
What are you doing to seek support for yourself? It is not browbeating someone to bring up an issue of concern and hurt in a marriage.
Why would he want “to pony up sexual favors”
I love your website and think you are doing a great job, and this post is spot on, even if my wife could care less to read it – she’s a refuser/gatekeeper, we’ve been basically technically sexless for 25 years (10 times or less a year – more like 6 times or less), so she’s firmly in the “thats not who I am, so deal with it” camp.
Anyways, I do agree with you here. But I think some of your readers do have a point: sexual refusal/gatekeeping is treated way way different in public (where the refused are basically ridiculed) and in the church (where the refused are basically ignored).
For example: I am a church goer since age 5, nearly 45 years. Been married for almost 26. We do not miss a service, except for illness and maybe vacation (we often find a local church wherever we are). So: 3 services a week times 52 weeks a year times 26 years: 4056 services. Lets make it 4000 to cover vacations/sickness. I can count on 2 fingers the times I have heard a sermon about sexual refusal being a sin. And both where kind of a “wavy-hand-you-know-what-the-pastor-is-talking-about” kind of lightweight preaching, quickly skipping onto the responsibly of husbands in Eph 5.
Meanwhile, I have heard COUNTLESS times about how husbands are big time jerks who aren’t spiritual leaders, don’t help out around the house, are absent fathers, are lazy workers, are mean husbands, irresponsible, and if we don’t get our acts together, not only will our home crumble, but also our county, our state, our country, our continent, and our entire planet will fall apart as well because of us. Oh, and most of us use pornography. And we get an extra level of damnation on Fathers Day too, since all this is mentioned with even greater fervency and we’re compared to God the Father, who we can’t possibly reach.
Which is good to do, to be clear – a lot of us are big time jerks, bad fathers, bad husbands,and just plain bad people. Those things need to be preached on, need to be pointed out, and ways of God on those topics need to be taught. Why I have to hear it nearly every service (I counted 26 services in a row where lack of spiritual leadership was lamented about by the preacher), I don’t understand.
Meanwhile, mothers are praised on mothers day – every mothers day, in every church I have ever been in, has given some kind of gift to every mother in the church (NEVER anything for fathers on fathers day). Women are praised for their raising of children, covering up their husbands bad behaviors, the glue that holds the family together, and generally praised as Godly women.
Which is good to do, to be clear – there are a ton of good, godly women out there. They should be praised and raised up as examples to everyone.
Some of us just want some parity. Isn’t this topic worth one sermon a year? For example, I don’t understand why the week of Valentines day is not the God-obvious week to say something about sexual love in marriage. It seems so very easy: on this obvious sexually-charged holiday, point out how the world views sex and how it should be versus how God views sex and how it should be. It should be easy, I think it would almost write itself. But it never has been done, in my 26 years of marriage and attending church.
Anyways, keep up the good work! I know its helping someone out there.
I agree that this should be discussed in the church more, and that the church often honors women and mothers without also lifting up men and fathers.
It would be good for more of us to hear sermons about sexual intimacy in marriage. Sadly, many of our pastors suffer sexually in their own marriages. Talking about making sex a priority in marriage might make things uncomfortable for them. I have never heard a sermon about sex, either.
I really appreciate your thoughts, Chris. As a husband who has had to learn patience and how to communicate with a lower drive wife, I completely agree. Even if my wife’s refusals (that would sometimes go on for months) were sin (and I’m not saying they weren’t), it would never have helped for me to point out her sin…because, like you, she had reasons at the time. She had emotional, medical, and physiological influences that took away her sexual desire, and made it very, very difficult for her to respond to me sexually.
So, I think you are spot on for saying that sexual refusal in marriage, by any partner, is sin… but that pointing out the sin of it is not necessarily the best approach. I don’t think it is soft or unbiblical to approach sin in ways other than to directly call someone out.
Sin is not always rebellious…often it is struggle. And to approach a wife who struggles as if she were a rebel is not at all productive. It’s the same as any other sin, whether it is viewing pornography, anger, lying, etc. Simply calling out the sin rarely works. You have to get to the heart of the sin, the struggle, and help the one struggling understand where the struggle is coming from.
Most importantly, a spouse suffering because their spouse is refusing sex has to be able to get out of their own head and their own suffering to be able to see that maybe his or her spouse is struggling, too. It’s so easy to get bitter, but healing won’t happen when there is bitterness. It takes patience and understanding, a willingness to ask instead of tell, to comfort instead of blame. It’s hard, but that’s just about the only way one spouse can really change another.
My wife and I have a much better sexual relationship now. We still have our struggles now and then, but we both understand how important sex is for our marriage, and we both work to improve when things aren’t so great. I can confidently say that didn’t happen because people pointed out my wife’s sin. And it definitely didn’t happen because I called her out as a sinner. She knew she was wrong, she just didn’t know what to do.
I agree with you so much that sin is sometimes more about struggle than about rebellion. If all we do is point to someone’s sin, we might end the sin but we leave them still struggling and suffering. I just don’t think Jesus would do that.
I’m glad things are better for you and your wife.
Excellent post Chris. As a husband of a wife who struggles with sexual intimacy your words and ministry are very much appreciated.
This whole discussion reminds me of an experience I had in undergrad. I was probably the only Christian in my group of physics majors. I didn’t share the gospel perfectly by any means but I think I did a decent job of explaining all parts of it. (e.g. all have sinned but grace is available through Christ) During my undergrad years a group of street preachers would come on campus every so often. They were “fire and brimstone” preachers. Every second word out of their mouths was “hell” or “damnation”. There was no talk of forgiveness or compassion or the loving sacrifice of Christ on the cross. Would you care to make a bet on who my unsaved friends listened to more?
It is the same way when sexual refusal is discussed. If the only thing a person hears is condemnation they are unlikely to change. We need to have a balanced approach. Point out that sexual refusal is a sin (as you did several times in your post) but combine that knowledge with compassion, understanding, and a safe place to heal.
Thanks for your comment, SLS. One thing that had a negative impact on my own views of sex was a high school Sunday School lesson about sex that was all about sin, fire, brimstone, and damaged goods, without an ounce of grace thrown in. I was looking for grace. I yearned for it. When it wasn’t even presented as a possibility, I believed that I was beyond redemption and that I had caused permanent sexual damage to my soul. I sometimes wonder what my life would have been if I’d heard about grace that morning.
Yours is not a singular example, and sex is not the only thing presented in such a manner. The simple fact of the matter is that while churches of our youth understood grace, that was not what they taught. Maybe they thought that a scare tactic was a better approach, or maybe they were just from a different time, but they did a poor job of communicating the true Gospel. Obviously, not every church, but I believe the majority. I tend to believe that was one reason the country is in the shape it is in. There was an entire generation (ours) who by and large, fell out of fellowship, or never even found it to begin with.
Chris,
I find it sad for you that as you try to help women and show Christ’s love, in turn, you find yourself in the middle of a kicked hornet’s nest. The buzzing and the painful barbs keep coming, but I appreciate your calm words in the responses.
In the past 6 months, I have experienced both types of confrontation. The one who came alongside as a friend in love, softness and kindness, and one who came with “hellfire and damnation”. It’s not hard to guess with whom I still friends with!! The topic of sexual intimacy is as polarizing as the previous election of Trump (no I’m not diving into politics, but the effects are the same) with spewing unkind words and hotly-tempered arguments, but I thank you that you seem to have found the delicate balance.
I really, really appreciated this part “When we speak to women about sexual refusal, we may think we are speaking into a hidden place of sin. We may just as well be speaking into a hidden suffering.” Just because I can look at another person, and call it sin…doesn’t mean I can see the whole truth. It has to be the Holy Spirit that guides and convicts us of sin, not a friend/co-worker/pastor etc. I feel that too often I can see what someone else is doing and forget about the beam in my own eye as written about in Matthew. Yes, the Bible does command us to confront, but we would be wise to follow His example of showing love and having that strong relationship first. Someone coming to me and pointing out the sin in my life will not be accepted as a close friend coming to me and gently showing me that I may be missing something or blind to things that I’m not seeing.
In the 15 years that I have been married, I rarely “officially” refused my husband’s request for intimacy. Not because we’ve had the best intimate life, oh no, definitely not! I’m just really good at reading his early signals and diverting them as I wished. No this is not a good thing, and I don’t say this proudly, but to my shame.
I would concede that some of the times, I sinned the sin of saying no. But other times, I wasn’t sinning the sin of saying no. Things like Pain after multiple childbirths, C-section, exhaustion with having 4 little ones, shyness, poor expectations on both of our sides, and poor communication occurred…but I would not call them sin. And to be fair, there were other sins in play at the time too…Pride in my appearance (didn’t think I was pretty enough), anger, bitterness with others, not dealing with my children in the right spirit, arguing, not keeping a short-account of sin. THOSE are the things that the Lord impressed upon my heart, rarely was it the sin of saying no.
I too have been that woman who felt guilted into sex, and (honestly) thought it was my duty. I became bitter Christian wife who tried to look at 1 Cor 7:5 and do it all perfectly. Yes, if you read some commentaries, you’ll get the idea that “””Every time my husband hinted he wanted it, it is my duty to open my legs and let him have his way.””” And that is completely wrong!!! My husband was not the one pushing this, it was my twisted view of scripture trying to deal with other sins. The idea that a husband and wife are to live together in love and respect for each other is really what the Bible says, and the husband comes to realize that HIS time for sex is not always her time. Yes, there is a time that they should both do it, but both are coming together in a place of love.
Please forgive me for the length of this response, but I am so passionate about this topic and I want you to know that I really appreciate your stance and loving words. As a younger woman, I thank you for “By doing this, [you are teaching]the younger women to love their husbands” Titus 2. ~ Johanna
Thank you so much for all of this.