When It’s Been a Long Time

Although the Bible doesn’t clearly tell us how often we should be having sex, it’s clear that long stretches of abstinence aren’t what God had in mind for marriage.

In writing to the Corinthian church about married life, Paul speaks to the importance of regular sexual connection between a husband and wife.

Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:5

Go without sex only for a time (perhaps)—and then come together again.

Do not go so long without sex that either of you feels deprived.

A Kind of Deprivation

I don’t know about you, but when my husband and I haven’t had sex for a while, when we finally do hit the sheets again, it feels downright weird.

It hasn’t always been like this. There have been some times of extended sexual separation (for instance, after our babies were born) after which we’ve both been rarin’ to go again. We were practically ravenous, and there was no awkwardness at all. It was more like desperation. We had definitely felt deprived! Also, if we’ve been doing a good job of maintaining emotional intimacy along with sexual teasing during our time apart, sex feels normal and easy again.

Much of the time, though, this hasn’t been the way it has worked for us. Like many women, the more I have sex, the more I want it—and enjoy it. Conversely, the less I have sex, the less I want it and the harder it is for me to enjoy the experience.

When my body and mind are out of the habit of sex, it takes me longer to make the transition to sex, my body responds more slowly, and it doesn’t feel normal anymore. I miss out on a lot of the enjoyment of sex—and so does Big Guy.

This is true for me even now, when sex is no longer a battleground or source of difficulty in our marriage. Even when we both want to connect sexually, if it’s been a while, it feels awkward.

I’ve come to realize that this, too, is a deprivation.

Instead of reaffirming our constant intimate connection with each other and enjoying the union of regular and frequent sex, it’s almost like we have to rebuild that connection. We aren’t exactly starting from scratch, but it doesn’t feel natural and comfortable, either. We have deprived ourselves of some of the intimacy we had been building up.

When our marriage was struggling and we fought constantly about sex, the strangeness and awkwardness was even more pronounced. We had deprived our marriage not only of physical release but of so much of our intimacy.

If you and your husband have gone months or even years without sex, or your sex life has consisted almost entirely of sex that was quick and only for him, you probably know just what I’m talking about.

So what can you do? When it’s been a while since you’ve had sex, how can you make it feel less awkward and weird? How can you rebuild your sexual intimacy after a time of deprivation?

 

6 Tips for Getting Past the Weirdness

Tip #1: Don’t try to pretend it isn’t awkward.

Instead, see if there is a way to embrace it and make it work for you. When you and your husband first started having sex with each other, those early days and nights might have been a little awkward, too. You were still learning each other’s bodies and trying to figure out how your two bodies could work well together. The newness of the experience might have made it even more exciting. If you haven’t had sex for a while, enjoy exploring each other.

Tip #2: Start with naked cuddling.

Lying naked with someone while talking and touching is quite intimate. Have a conversation with your husband about something other than money or kids and that isn’t a difficult issue. For instance, you could tell him about the guy rocking out in his car while you were at a stoplight today. He could talk to you about conversation he had with a co-worker on his way into work. Talk about light topics, and enjoy the physical sensation of being naked while embracing your man.

Tip #3: Touch while you talk.

Both non-sexual touch and sexual touch are important. Caress his arms and his cheek. Let your hand rest on his hip or throw your leg over him. Every so often, touch between his legs or place his hands on your breast. Note: This is especially important if you have a recent history of using conversation to avoid sex or to pick a fight. Otherwise, he may think you are trying to avoid sex again. Increasing the sexual touch while you cuddle will reassure him that you intend to follow through. It also may help you smoothly move into sexual activity.

Tip #4: Have artificial lubrication nearby.

Maybe you won’t need it, but if your sexual response is struggling or if you’re having a hard time making the mental and physical transition to sex, it’s a good idea to have some handy, just in case. If you have sex when you aren’t sufficiently lubricated, it can cause internal abrasions—and that will mean that you have to wait to have sex again while you heal.

Tip #5: Focus on intimacy, not on orgasm.

This tip is more for you than for your husband. Your bodies are different. His body may crave a physical release, and he may even have a difficult time lasting as long as you need him to. Your body might be just as much in need of a release—but for some women, sexual response is slower and less reliable if sex hasn’t happened for a while. If an orgasm for you doesn’t seem likely, you can still experience a great deal of intimacy. All that cuddling and touching go a long way toward putting your intimate connection into play, so you’re already off to a good start here. (Those things can also go a long way toward arousal.) Make eye contact with your husband, continue with lots of touching, and let your sighs or words clearly communicate “I missed this” or “I’ve needed you.” If you want to pursue an orgasm, absolutely do that and enjoy! However, a focus on intimacy can help if you’re feeling awkward together, whether or not you have an orgasm.

Tip #6: Avoid fancy schmancy sex.

This may not be the time to try out a new position, sexual activity, or prop in the marriage bed. Rather, let this be sex that comforts and reconnects you. Familiarity can help counter those feelings of awkwardness.

Stay together!

We all have seasons when frequent sex is a bit more difficult than we would like it to be. As much as possible, though, once you’ve gotten past the awkwardness of it’s-been-a-long-time sex, it’s best to be intentional about having regular and frequent sex.

Nurture the mystery and intimacy of sexual connection. It will help you avoid feeling deprived, and sex won’t have to feel awkward again.

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