“I want you to talk sexy to me,” he said. Huh? I was just halfway through my grocery list. And in the middle of sex.
Even during my refusing and gatekeeping years, we weren’t in a sexless marriage (although we came close one year). And every so often, I was actually participating—but even then, my mind was usually on what was next on my to-do list, right after my husband.
“I want you to talk sexy.” Uh, right now? What do you want me to say? Why? Is there a script? How am I supposed to go from barely being comfortable with a soft moan to full-blown “!@# my $%^ you he-man!!!” Or whatever it was that he meant by talking sexy.
If you’ve been courageous and loving enough to ask your husband, “What do you want?” one of the answers you may hear is that he wants you to be more vocal in bed.
I’d like to share some techniques that helped me get comfortable doing this.
Find out what he means. Does he want sounds (like moans) and words that let him know that what he’s doing feels good (“yes, just like that”)? Words that describe what you’re doing to each other? Words that you shouldn’t say in front of other people, used to describe actions, responses, body parts, etc.? Have a conversation about it outside the bedroom. Learn what he has in mind. Decide together what words will be okay, what words he’d really love, and what words you’d like to keep off-limits for a while. (One of my top two “no way, no how” words from the beginning has slipped out of my mouth several times, much to my shock and my husband’s delight.)
During this conversation, pay attention to how your body responds to hearing these words spoken. It may be that you’d like more vocalizing, too, and your body’s responses will help you know which words you’ll find most enjoyable. My belief is that all words are okay in the marriage bed, even if they’re words that you would never, ever, ever say in front of your pastor. A shared language is part of what constructs the privacy and intimacy of married sex.
Take small steps to build up to where you want to be. Even if your husband would like you to talk dirty, that doesn’t mean you need to start there. These steps can help you get to that point—or to whatever point your husband is requesting.
As you introduce each of these things, it might be helpful to keep the lights dim until you’re comfortable. It was hard enough for me to say certain words, and I wasn’t ready to have my husband actually watch me say them right away.
- Begin by just loosening your throat and allowing yourself to let soft moans escape.
- Vocalize small sounds or words like “mmm,” “yes,” “that feels good,” and “don’t stop.”
- Use actions to help you out. You can say, “touch me here” while using your hand to bring his to the exact body part you may not be ready to name out loud.
- Describe your responses and what you are experiencing, using tame words at first if you need to. “That makes me wet.” “I like how hard you are.” “I like it when you lick my [insert favorite body part here].”
- If you and your husband have decided to work toward sexier talk with words that are okay only in private, try just one new word at a time. Get comfortable with that word and then add the next one.
Shake things up a bit. Once you’ve gotten fairly comfortable with sexy bedroom talk, you can use your new comfort to spice things up some.
- Use your new vocabulary in unexpected ways. If you’re progressively working your way toward using certain words, every now and then try to use one that’s way ahead in your vocabulary plan. He won’t be expecting it, and it may give him a real charge. Also, as you get comfortable with certain words, use them elsewhere when you can’t be overheard by others. Last week, we were out running errands together. We were talking about the traffic, and I said something along the lines of, “Let’s pick up your dry cleaning, gas up the car, and then when we get home you can [censored verb] my [censored body part]. Yeah, it was fun to watch him hear this while we were stuck in traffic.
- Try different words every now and then. I have one particular word I like to use for my husband’s penis. He knows that when I’m talking about it, that’s the word I’m likely to say. So sometimes I use a different word just to keep him on his toes.
- Ask him to do some sexy talking, describing what he is doing to you or how he feels. It’s a good way to learn the rhythm of language that he’d like to hear, and it can be erotic for both of you to hear him talk like this.
- Have a sexual encounter where you’re both as vocal as possible without using any words at all—limit yourself to moans, grunt, screams, etc.
I’ve gotten pretty good at sexy talk, and it’s one of the things in our sexual repertoire that we can draw on at any time. But just one more tip: it’s a lot easier to do if you aren’t trying to make your grocery list at the same time.
Image credit | canva.com
I've moved! While you can peruse the archives here, I am no longer posting at The Forgiven Wife.
Please join me at Honeycomb & Spice.
Ladies, if you're interested in joining me for a study of Juli Slattery's new book God, Sex, and Your Marriage, time is running out! Our study begins with introductions on February 26, 2023, but the study will be open to join until March 5.
Building each other up applies to the bedroom too!
It’s the simple gestures that make all the difference. You just know all the right things to say…
I think that kind of intimate talk is something that shows a deep love and a desire to help each other have a deeper intimacy.
Hope I’m not being pharisaic or Victorian, buy you certainly did not mean it would be a good idea to use swearwords. Even in private. Or did I understand it wrongly? That would put me off, and even more so my wife.
I personally think that words that refer to body parts and actions are acceptable in the privacy of the marriage bed, even if they are considered swear words in polite society. But that’s me. I am not saying they’re necessarily a good idea. Some couples may feel comfortable using all possible sexual words. Some will draw the line between slang terms and words that are considered crude.
Conversation about what is acceptable or not within your own marriage is part of how you develop that shared intimate language. If you and your wife agree that certain words would be offensive in your marriage bed, then use other words. In your situation, since you and your wife would not find it acceptable, it would be a bad idea for you.
Completely agree.
I LOL when I read this : “Last week, we were out running errands together. We were talking about the traffic, and I said something along the lines of, “Let’s pick up your dry cleaning, gas up the car, and then when we get home you can [censored verb] my [censored body part]. Yeah, it was fun to watch him hear this while we were stuck in traffic.”
If my wife had said something along these lines my foot would have slipped off the brake and allowed me to bump into the car in front or I probably would have hit the gas, driven up over the sidewalk to get out of traffic and get home with her.
Great post !
Thank you for this. My hubby has expressed a desire for this & I never knew where to even start.
You’re welcome. I hope some of this helps you. Just figuring out that first step can be what it takes to get us going.
Chris, This is my hardest issue.. I’m going to get a bit personal… I am already what some consider “loud” with my moans and letting him know when I am about to climax..
What my husband wants is for me to talk about my fantasies while we are being intimate. I was raised in a home where sex was an almost forbidden topic of discussion. Premarital sex was an ULTIMATE sin. There was much “slut shaming” language that came from my mother about sex. I do enjoy sex, sometimes more often than my husband does.. I want to be able to fulfil this for him, but can’t seem to let go of my hang ups from childhood about being seen as a slut or something.. so telling my husband fantasies would be for me proclaiming I am a slut and I just can’t do it!
Mentally I know I am NOT a slut and would never be one.. but I can’t get past this!
Have you read my post Silence the Lies? Although you are dealing with a different set of lies than I was, the strategy I describe in that post might be helpful in working through this. It is possible to unlearn those habits we brought from childhood, but it can take time and intentional work.
Are you able to use words to express any of your desires during sex? I’m not talking about fantasies or big scenarios as much as about “touch me here” and “kiss me there.” If not, that might be a good place to start. If you aren’t comfortable even doing that, then may begin to use words rather than just moans to let him know how you’re feeling. It would be a way of claiming your sexuality and getting comfortable expressing it during sexual intimacy–and over time, you can try to ramp that up just a bit.
Hello!
My husband likes using dirty talk and it drives him wild. However for me, I don’t like using profanity. He doesn’t force it and he is okay with us not using it. He holds back too. But when I have slipped he goes nuts and I love that! I wish there was something I can find that I can use instead that would turn him on like that! I love talking during sex so I want to be creative and see if that provoke the same reaction!
Instead of looking for new words, try using description or metaphor to tell him how you’re feeling or what you’d like him to do. For example, instead of “!@#$ with your %^#$,” you could say “pound me with that piece of steel between your legs.” Well, okay, maybe not that exactly, but try some things out until you get an idea of what really turns him on.
As a longtime student of language, I’ve always viewed words as contextual. A word in itself isn’t profane, but it might be profane within a certain context. Words that would be completely inappropriate to say in a worship service may be excellent additions to your bedroom language. Some couples find that having certain words that they say only to each other adds to their sense of intimacy. So if you do slip up and say a word you prefer not to say, you at least haven’t been profane. If you’re looking for some new things to say, though, you might want to try out some of the phrases from the Song of Songs.