I am a stubborn woman. I don’t trust easily. One of the underlying issues in my refusal was my lack of trust in my husband.
My husband asked me once, “What is the worst thing that would happen if you just had sex with me once a week and actually participated in the activity?” I couldn’t answer him, but it was one of the things that kept rumbling around in my head. My unexpressed response was, “I might like it and get closer to you, and then you’ll know the real me and won’t like me anymore and you’ll leave me and it will hurt so much because I’ve let myself get close.” And dealing with my insecurity and trust issues….it was just too hard.
I’m a pretty linear thinker with some things, confident that most things in life happen in a certain order. You crawl before you can walk, after all. I’ve always thought the same thing happened with relationships and feelings. I was convinced that trust precedes intimacy. In my mind, trust is necessary for intimacy which is necessary for me to say “yes” to sex, not to mention to ask for it myself.
Much to my surprise, this was not at all what happened for me.
For what were pretty selfish reasons, my un-refusing began with saying yes, which led to emotional intimacy, which led to trust. Somehow in the past two years, the trust has grown without me even realizing it until I sat down to write about the importance of trust.
I always thought that trust was a necessary condition of saying yes and being a sexually generous wife, but it turned out that the intimacy that developed from generosity created the condition in which trust could grow. Realizing this made me feel like my world got tipped upside down.
I know there are other women who are afraid to fully trust their husbands. Maybe they weren’t able to trust the first men in their lives (their fathers), or they experienced challenges in their youth that made it hard to trust in God and His love for them. For most of my life, I would have directed their husbands to work hard to prove their trustworthiness.
Now I say, wife, act as though you trust him already. Exhibit the behavior of a woman who trusts her husband. Do this for an entire month, and see what happens. When you allow yourself to be more fully intimate with the man God has placed in your life, your trust will be able to flourish.