My husband has truly forgiven me for the years of sexual control, gatekeeping, and refusing.
So why can’t I seem to forgive myself?
I frequently apologize to him. Each time, he reminds me that I am forgiven and that he loves me.
This morning, I was responding online to someone whose wife is eerily similar to the way I was. In order to respond, I had to dig back into the refusing version of myself, remembering how it felt to say “no” and all the feelings and physical sensations I connected with that. After I wrote my response, I went to my husband to apologize, again, for having been the wife I was.
This time, after he reminded me that I am forgiven and loved, he asked me not to apologize again. He said that it is selfish for me to keep focusing on the sin of the past and ask him to go back there with me. And then he asked me why I haven’t forgiven myself.
As far as I’ve come, and as much as I know that I have truly transformed my wifely self, it isn’t easy to know that I still have work to do. But I guess that’s sort of like being washed and new in the blood of Christ. Christ offers. I still need to accept.
Being forgiven is one thing. Accepting that forgiveness seems to be another. Once again, I see Christ in my husband. I am blessed.