The best orgasm of my life happened a few months ago. My husband and I were in a hotel room with a lovely city view. Late morning sunlight filled the room. I had already had several strong orgasms. But then . . . wow. It was the kind of orgasm that made me smile for days. I wanted to tell everyone I saw about this amazing orgasm. I wanted to review it with my husband over and over again. I wanted to announce it on Facebook and Twitter.
It was the orgasm against which all future orgasms will be measured. And I very nearly missed it.
How did this happen? Is my husband that good of a lover? (Yes, but that isn’t why.) Am I one of those women who can orgasm at the drop of a hat? (Sadly, no.) Were we in a position or engaged in an activity we had perfected over a period of years? (No. In fact, it was only the third time we had engaged in this particular activity.)
It was all because I stepped outside my comfort zone. If I hadn’t been willing to step outside my comfort zone to try a new sexual activity with my husband—and to keep trying it until I got more comfortable with it, I would have missed out on the best orgasm of my life. What a shame that would have been.
The Comfort Zone
A comfort zone is a mental state of being where we feel secure, comfortable, and in control. We act in a rhythm that is predictable and routine in order to reduce stress, anxiety, and feelings of risk. If something doesn’t fit within our preferred arrangement of life, it is outside our comfort zone. Stepping outside the comfort zone contains some risk and anxiety, so it is natural to want to stay inside the zone. Humans need routine and a sense of what to expect.
There is nothing wrong with having a routine that works, even in the marriage bed. It’s good to have a comfort zone. After all, there are times you need sex to provide you with comfort. No matter what new things we try, we have an old stand-by that is perfect for when we just need to reconnect in a basic way. The problem isn’t having a comfort zone; it is staying inside that comfort zone all the time that limits us.
So what’s the big deal?
Much of the literature I’ve seen about the comfort zone relates to business and productivity, including pieces from Forbes and Wall Street Journal and TIME. While we don’t typically think of our marriages in terms of productivity, shouldn’t we be striving for growth and success in our marriages?
Staying in your sexual comfort zone can affect your sex life—and your marriage.
- When you take few risks, you have few chances for growth.
- The longer you stay in your comfort zone, the harder it is to leave when it becomes necessary. Practice builds ability and confidence, after all.
- Sure, the same three-step sexual activity works, but it’s kind of boring to do time after time after time. The only difference between a rut and a grave is dimension.
- Boredom leads to avoidance leads to excuses—and these things can damage a marital relationship.
- Our greatest productivity and performance come when we have just a bit of anxiety from being outside our comfort zone. If you want the greatest sex life possible, you’re going to have to get brave and try new things sometimes.
- Sharing new adventures with your spouse builds intimacy.
Are you stuck?
Are you stuck in your sexual comfort zone? Do you find yourself responding to your husband’s suggestions for increased frequency or new positions or activities with any of the following? Do you dismiss your own desires and interests sometimes, never even bothering to mention them to your husband?
- Nope. I’m just not interested. I just wouldn’t be comfortable with that.
- I tried it once and didn’t like it. There’s nothing wrong with what we do now.
- He only wants it because he saw it in porn.
- I probably wouldn’t be any good at it.
- It looks too complicated.
For the next few Fridays, I’ll be writing about our sexual comfort zones. How do we get unstuck? And what happens when take a step outside? I took a step outside my sexual comfort zone as a way of being generous to my husband—and I had the best orgasm of my life. Stepping outside the comfort zone at my husband’s request turned out to be just as much of a blessing to me. And what we were doing is something I now request for my own sake. If I had stayed inside my comfort zone, I wouldn’t be having some of my best sexual experiences now.
I am also going to share some stories from women who have been blessed by the choice to go outside their comfort zones. Ladies, if you have a story to share, I would love to include it! It can be a brand new activity, a new position, a new lighting source, your first time being completely uninhibited in the bedroom, undressing in front of your husband for the first time in years, or using sexy lighting for the first time. It can be something that is outside the norm a bit or something that you think many women wouldn’t even think of as a change. Big or small steps, if you found courage to do something outside your sexual comfort zone, I would love to be able to let other women know how you were blessed.
If you’re willing to share your story of stepping outside your comfort zone, email me your stories at firstname.lastname@example.org. (Please let me know what name or pseudonym you’d like me to use if I include your story.)
I ran across a definition of “comfort zone” that made me chuckle:
The temperature range . . . at which the naked human body is able to maintain a heat balance without shivering or sweating.
Sex is supposed to alter your heat balance. Amazing sex should leave you shivering and shaking. If you haven’t had much sex that involves your naked body shivering or sweating, you are definitely missing out. It’s about time you decided to step outside your comfort zone. And who knows? Maybe the best orgasm of your life is out there waiting for you.
Are you ready to take a step?
Other Posts in the Comfort Zone Series:
- The Macaroni and Cheese Lesson: Stepping Your Toes Outside Your Comfort Zone
- The Hokey Pokey: Throwing Your Whole Self Out of Your Comfort Zone
- Let There Be Light: Out of the Zone
- Are You Uncomfortable?
- Two Giant Steps Forward : Out of the Zone
Photo credit: anankkml at FreeDigitalPhotos.net