If you’ve decided to work on the sexual intimacy in your marriage, that’s great! But where do you start?
When you think of all the things you need to do, it can be overwhelming.
Here are three things you can try, with some baby steps to help you get started.
Spend a few weeks getting comfortable with each of the steps. As you get comfortable with each one, it will make the next step less overwhelming.
Touch him.
Has your husband said that he would like you to touch him sexually, such as by groping or caressing him between the legs when he isn’t expecting it?
If you’ve avoided touching your husband’s genitals even during sex, this can be a huge step. It’s even harder if you have developed a habit of not touching your husband in any way at all as a way avoiding any hint of sexual interest.
Fortunately, you can learn to touch your husband. Here are some steps you can take.
- Reach out to caress him on the face or shoulder when you walk by him.
- Touch him sometimes on a non-sexual area that is still intimate enough you wouldn’t touch another person there, such as on the lower back or on his leg.
- Give him some pats and caresses on his rear end when he is clothed.
- Touch him between the legs when he is clothed.
- Touch him between the legs when he is not wearing anything. (You get bonus points if you’re the one who removes his clothing so you can do this.)
Show him.
Does he want to see you naked during sex? If you’re someone who doesn’t even like to see herself naked, this can be difficult. If you’re used to sex in the dark, the thought of broad daylight with eyes wide open can be daunting. Start small, and build up slowly.
- Use lighting. Start with dim lighting (one candle or a night light), gradually adding more candles or more wattage each week as you become more comfortable.
- Clothe yourself creatively. Begin by wearing something that exposes a body part that you like (better yet, one that will make your husband go gaga) but covers parts you don’t like. A sexy nightgown that is stretchy can work; I have friends who have gotten creative with costumes as well. Wear an oversized shirt that you leave mostly unbuttoned. (Does your guy like it when you wear his shirts?) Wear a swimsuit cover-up that is mesh or practically see-through, with or without sexy undies.
- Disrobe with style. Undress slowly while looking your husband in the eyes. Tease him. Turn around and bend over while removing your underwear. By the time you get to full monty status, your husband is likely to be making it very obvious that he likes what he sees—and his appreciation can make it a little easier to do this again next time.
Love him.
Most husbands will tell you that the emotional connection they need with you is best available through sex. Sometimes, in our efforts to discourage sexual intimacy, we develop a habit of withholding our love in other ways as well.
Shifting your attitude toward your husband in non-sexual ways can help you with your sexual attitude as well.
- Smile at him. When he comes home at the end of the day, when you see him across the table at dinner, when you speak to him, or when he speaks to you, smile. It is a simple thing, but if he hasn’t seen you smile for him in a long time, it will matter more than you realize.
- Do something just because he likes it. Bake his favorite cookies. Prepare a dinner that you know he likes. Suggest that you go see a movie that you know he wants to see. Fold his underwear the way he prefers, even if it isn’t the way you like to do it.
- Speak to him in his love language. If you and your husband have taken the love languages test (available here), use what you’ve learned about him to help express your love in a way that means the most to him. (The love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch.) If your husband is a words of affirmation guy, write him a love letter, post something you admire and appreciate about him on your Facebook page, or speak well of him to someone else when he can hear you. If quality time matters more to him, sit down to watch his favorite show with him or be near him while he is working on a household project.
So there you have it—three ways to start to work on sex starting today:
Touch him.
Show him.
Love him.
If you want a to-do list for the coming week, just take the first step from each of these areas:
- Reach out to caress him on the face or shoulder when you walk by him.
- Use dim lighting during sex—just one candle or a night light.
- Smile at him.
These steps aren’t too overwhelming, and only one of them involves actual sex—but they will all help you grow toward good sexual intimacy in your marriage.
You can do it!
Image credit | canva.com
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Great advice! I love simple, practical tips.
Thanks, Gaye. 🙂
Some of this came out of discussion the other day, didn’t it? 😉
I tried the slow undressing, but my husband just thought it was awkward and said it was “out of character” for me. He certainly didn’t mind the end result (being naked), but he didn’t like the stripping part. He’s right, I don’t usually do that, so of course it’s a bit out of character. Unfortunately, that’s the usual response when I try to do something new just for him. It doesn’t make me very enthusiastic to keep trying.
Yup, it sure did come out of our discussion! 🙂
I think it’s a good idea to try something multiple times before giving up on it. When something is new and out of character, it can be difficult for a guy to know how to respond. Sometimes it helps to let him know ahead of time that you’ll do something so he has a chance to anticipate and is ready to enjoy the experience.
There’s another thing, too, that I’m not sure if I can explain right (so guys, if you have a better explanation, please help me out!). Some guys are afraid to really like something. Sometimes they’re afraid that if they like it too much but it never happens again, they’ll be disappointed. If something is out of character for us and they say they like it, they fear that we will think they want us to be different than we are. Sometimes it is a fear of coming across like a total clod for liking something that seems kinky. In other words, they don’t know if it’s really okay to like it.
Several years ago, I did something my husband had been requesting for some time. It was way out of my comfort zone and took me lots of time to work myself up to it. After we were done, my husband’s response was a very unenthusiastic-sounding, “Hmm, that was weird.” Weird? Seriously? After all the effort it required for me to do that, all you have to say is “weird”?! Grr. He was afraid I would judge him for liking it too much. The second time, his reaction was much more enthusiastic, and now it’s something he looks forward to.
Sometime when you’re away from the bedroom, ask your husband if it would be okay if you tried it again sometime. If you say “do you want me to?” he may worry about coming across as a jerk if he says yes. If you ask if it would be okay or even if he would like it, it might be easier for him to answer. Tell him you’ll do it again enough times that it becomes easy rather than awkward, and then the two of you can decide whether to keep it off the menu. Some people say you should try something new at least ten times to work the bugs out.
That’s a good point, thanks. I’ll suggest it again and give him some heads-up next time and see how it goes.
There was one thing I tried a couple years ago that I did horribly. I told my husband that I wanted to get good at it before I decided whether it was a keeper or not and asked him, “Could you tolerate it if I keep working on this for a while?” He agreed. I got good at it (well, maybe it was more good-ish). Now he likes it a lot. We both had to get over the “this is totally weird” hump.
Chris,
Yeah there at least for me is some truth in the afraid to like it or sound too excited.
I’m always feel like I’m in a no win situation. If I say nothing or don’t sound excited or even acknowledge he effort I’m a jerk. If I say how much I liked it and look forward to it again I’m being a jerk.
In my case a new or even highly valued action by me if I mention it to my wife in causal setting the next day or so, the action never seems to happen again. But if I say nothing she will get a bit upset and say sething like “I did X for you and you didn’t even acknowledge it.” Her the past experience indicates if I DO acknowledge it, she won’t do it again or I embarrassed her or something.
How can a guy win?
The effort to try something new at least toe is massive. Not shows thought and desire and makes me feel desirable and wanted. And these feelings are extremely important at least to me and most me. I know whether they admit it or not.
Men’s egos are VERY fragile in large part is in the 100% complete control and in the hands of thier wife. No one holds more sway over the man than the wife. It is not even close. Showing him effort with physical intimacy and doing something new is literally like a breath of fresh air.
But if he is too overly enthusiastic it seems like some wives would take that to mean the old way the air was stagnant and bad and make her depressed . Don’t look at it that way, look at it as growth into a new brighter future. Now that that what we are all after? Improved quality of life and the relationship?
once again, you hit the ball out of the park