If you’ve ever wondered why your husband makes such a big deal out of your orgasm, you aren’t alone.
In fact, sometimes it may seem like he enjoys your orgasm even more than you do!
Last summer I asked husbands to complete a survey that consisted of one question:
What does it mean to you when your wife has an orgasm during sexual activity with you?
Fewer than 200 men responded to the survey, so this was a small sample size. It certainly wasn’t a scientific study. Still, what the men had to say is consistent with other comments I’d read and heard from husbands about their wives’ sexual pleasure. The responses didn’t surprise me.
As unsurprising as the responses were to me, I’ve found it a bit tricky to write about them.
Many responses are based on the assumption that female sexual response does and should work like male sexual response.
I have no issue with a husband’s desire for his wife to have an orgasm. What I do take issue with is when his desire becomes an expectation that she experiences as pressure, or when he uses her orgasm to measure the success of a particular encounter, the health of their relationship, or her feelings for him.
However, orgasm isn’t always an easy thing for us. Many factors can affect a woman’s ability to experience an orgasm: the time of the month, the season of life, the amount of time available for a particular encounter, the health of the relationship overall, life stresses, and so on.
Although I don’t agree with some of the underlying assumptions, there is much we can learn from thinking about why our orgasms matter to our husbands.
The men’s responses help us glimpse what their orgasms mean to them—and what sex with us means to them. The responses open a window into our husbands’ hearts and minds.
Survey responses indicated four reasons your husband likes your orgasm so much:
1. He finds it arousing.
You’ve heard that men are visual, right? The specifics of what this means are up for debate, but most of us would agree that a man is sexually stimulated when he sees his wife’s naked body. This stimulation is exponentially more when her body is being sexual and expressing sexual enjoyment.
Let’s face it. Seeing (and hearing) your spouse enjoy sex can be a real turn-on. Although quite a few men mentioned this, they didn’t have a whole to say about it. The most eloquent comment was this:
“It is HIGHLY erotic.”
Your husband gets happy tingles from your happy endings.
What can we learn?
Your sexual pleasure helps his. It’s kind of nice this way. Although sex sometimes is about one person scratching an itch, God designed sex to be a mutual experience. Think about it this way: if your husband finds it arousing to see you have an orgasm, he’s likely to want to spend some time making sure that happens. Bypassing your pleasure diminishes his.
You don’t have to pursue an orgasm just because he enjoys it—but sometimes it might mean that you choose to do so as a way of loving your husband.
Most husbands want their wives to experience sexual pleasure—because as much as we sometimes think of sex as for men, the men themselves don’t see it that way. Mull that over for a bit. It’s important.
2. He feels manly.
When your husband has helped you have an orgasm, he feels like a man.
Most men will say that their sexuality is a core part of their masculinity—so it makes sense that helping their wives experience sexual pleasure and release reaches into this part of who he is.
Here’s what some of the guys had to say:
“It makes me feel like I am a good lover. It fills a desire in my heart to be the knight is shining armor who is able to bless her with such a wonderful feeling. ”
“It builds me up as a man that I was able to satisfy her this way. And I feel closer to her afterwards and I hope the same is for her.”
“Selfishly, I feel like more of a man when I am able to bring her to orgasm. I actually enjoy giving her the gift of that pleasure and I want to share it with her. It is a sense of accomplishment, sort of like mowing the grass where I can stand back after it is done and say, `This is good, I did a good job.’”
Most men I know are task-oriented. They have a goal, they take the steps needed to accomplish the goal, and when they finish the task, they bask in the afterglow of accomplishment. This is just part of the way lots of guys are wired.
Your orgasm helps him feel accomplished as a man in a way nothing else can.
What can we learn?
Understanding that your orgasm taps into your husband’s sense of himself as a man can help you communicate effectively.
You can use words that honor both the effort and the success (even if that success didn’t include an orgasm).
“I really appreciated how you touched me so gently.”
“You did such an amazing job of getting me aroused.”
“If my body hadn’t been so finicky, that definitely would’ve done the job.”
“I love the feeling of your weight on me.”
“You make my body feel amazing.”
Look, I know that these words won’t cancel your husband’s disappointment that he wasn’t able to give you an orgasm. You can respect his feeling and choose words that build him up to help him feel his disappointment less keenly.
3. He feels desired and loved.
Survey respondents reported that nothing makes a man feel as desired and loved as does his wife’s sexual interest in him–and her orgasm is the pinnacle of that love and desire.
“It means she enjoys being with me. I feel valued and desirable and competent.”
“She enjoyed it as much as I did. By extension it means she’s glad she had sex with me.”
Your sexual responses to your sweetie’s efforts confirm that you desire and love a core part of who he is–but it goes beyond this, too. Quite a few men also look at a wife’s orgasm as a sign of her trust in him.; she relaxed enough to let go in his presence.
“She’s allowed me to give her the most intimate gift available – she’s lowered the barriers and let me into her innermost being.”
“It means she trusts me intimately enough to freely let go of herself with abandon. It is one of the most deeply meaningful expressions of trust in marriage.”
What can we learn?
This tells us so much about the emotional connection our husbands experience during sex. Our trust matters to them. They treasure the fact that we are opening our hearts–not just our bodies–to their touch.
Here’s something else: when men comment about what their wives are thinking and feeling during orgasm, they are also telling us about how they themselves think and feel during their own orgasms.
Consider what these comments might say about how your husband feels when he has sex with you:
Your husband enjoys being with you.
He values you.
He is lowering his barriers and letting you into his innermost being.
He trusts you.
His walls are down.
When your husband is sharing his body with your, he is also sharing his heart.
And that leads to what may be the most significant reason a wife’s orgasm means so much to her husband . . .
4. He experiences the one-flesh intimacy of marriage in a deep, all-encompassing way.
We carry around a lot of stereotypes about men valuing sex only because it feels physically good. Many of us feel like our husbands value us only for sex, meaning that we think he sees us as a place to put his penis.
This is negative thinking on our part. First,most husbands value their wives for many reasons that have nothing to do with sex. Second, I want to point out that being valued for sex is so much more than what we often think.
By far, the greatest number of comments, and the ones with the most heart, were about the deep intimacy that our husbands experience only with us.
Your orgasm matters because it shows that sexual enjoyment is mutual. It is shared. It provides completion in a way that his orgasm alone does not.
“Most importantly, however, it means that she has allowed herself to put the other things in her life and her mind aside to create a special time in which the two of us are working together to give each other mutual pleasure, and to commit emotionally and physically to that end. This makes me feel valued and significant. “
“While I do enjoy my own orgasm(s), my orgasm without hers leaves me feeling incomplete.”
“It means a mutuality, a participation that we are in a place of refreshment and enjoyment of each other together. That it’s not just me taking something from her, not using her – instead it’s a beautiful balance of giving and receiving.”
“I feel that my wife loves me and wants to be one with me in body, soul and spirit.”
“A sense of sharing a depth of intimate love that I cannot quite articulate in words.”
These are not the words of men who value only a physical release.
When you experience an orgasm with your husband, he feels feel complete and connected, with the relationship in a beautiful balance.
Quite a few men commented on the spiritual aspect of a wife’s orgasm:
“I think it’s much more than just a feeling of accomplishment or making me feel like a worthy man. It may have something to do with reflecting the character of God in that he is joyous when we delight in him and receive pleasure from him. Without needing anything from us, he is delighted when we receive from him. Maybe it’s part of being made in his image.”
Is it possible? Does your husband’s enjoyment of, and appreciation for, your orgasm reflect the image of God?
What can we learn?
To her husband, a wife’s orgasm is not about her. It is not about him. It is about “us.”
Your orgasm matters to your husband because you matter–and because “us” matters.
Your husband’s desire for your orgasm is not just a matter of his ego or not wanting to feel selfish about sex.
It is deeper.
It is richer.
It is a desire that grows out of a need for connection and intimacy with you.
Your husband views sexual intimacy with you as the deepest way that the two of you can be connected with each other. His own orgasms, and yours, are knit together to help you experience the one-flesh mystery of marriage.
Isn’t this the best reason of all?
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I know you are repeating mostly what other men have said, but your interpretation of it is 100% correct also. Very important post. Thank you.
I’ve been told I am a good husband translator. 🙂
There is a lot of good information in here. I identified with multiple comments and it caused me to really think why I emphasize my wife’s orgasm so much. I think it’s a combination of the mutual intimacy and also wanting my wife to succeed and reach a pinnacle in that moment.
Another excellent article, Chris!
My wife’s orgasms are very important to me. Admittedly, I feel like I failed to do something right if she doesn’t have one when we have sex. Even after 20+ years of marriage, I still get a bit “bummed” when she fails to climax. However, she’s always gracious and let’s me know that I isn’t my spfault. That her mind wasn’t able to get her body in sync. Or, that physically, she’s just not there.
Plus, she feels the same toward me if I fail to have an orgasm. (There’s an 8 year age difference between us – I’m 65 and she’s 57 – and I have BPH. I take medications for it, plus I take meds for other medical conditions I have. And, sometimes, the meds hinder my ability to climax.)
There have been a few times, when, lying in bed together, we couldn’t even get ourselves to climax for whatever reason. Now, THAT’S sad! LOL!
I would imagine that, as with most “older” couples, when we are having sex, our ultimate goal is for both of us to climax. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn’t. Either way, we, both, “enjoy the ride,” tremendously; so to speak. We realize that there are going to be instances where one of us won’t be able to [finish]; and, that’s okay. We’ll just try again, later on, or on another day. It’s not like we’re keeping count of which of us “came,” so that person’s orgasm is the primary focus the next time we have sex. We, simply, enjoy the intimacy and the wonderful feelings that our being sexual with each other brings us. The intimate, emotional, spiritual and physical, pleasures we give each other while having sex is what’s important to us, now. No one aspect of sexual intercourse takes precedent. We enjoy all four of them.
As my old football coach used to say, “there’s nothing wrong, if when aiming for the stars, that, sometimes, you only hit the fence. As long as you know you gave it your best effort. There’ll always be another day and another opportunity to make up for it.”
Been there, done that! But it still counts as sex, and it still builds intimacy. I try to approach it with the goal of enjoying the journey rather than getting to the destination.
It boggles my mind that this article does not apply to my husband. He will not give me an orgasm. If I can’t get there myself, the only thing he is willing to do is thrust until I am sore and completely turned off. Yes, I have spoken to him numerous times, but he refuses any other way and says I need to figure it out because he is doing all he can. He refuses oral and manual. If I don’t orgasm, he doesn’t concern himself about it. I recently went 3 weeks without an orgasm and while he noticed, it didn’t bother him at all, and it certainly didn’t bother him when I went 3 years without an orgasm.
When I do orgasm (by masturbating during intercourse), he enjoys it because it increases his pleasure, but not for my sake.
It blows my mind that men actually desire and seek out giving their wives pleasure, and will go to the ends of the earth just to have her moan in orgasm. I have always felt I had to bend over backwards and jump through hoops to earn anything beyond PIV. It took 15 years of giving my husband professional style massages in order for me to earn one in return from him, and yet I hear some husbands give their wives massages before nearly every sexual encounter. I don’t get any foreplay. It is either straight to sex or he is just fine avoiding sex and masturbating, instead. We have been over and over this, but those are his terms and since we are still having regular sex no pastor or counselor considers it deprivation or bad enough to merit intervention.
It is deprivation in my eyes–but your husband is the one who needs to be convinced. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
This is absolutely what I hear from husbands as well. Well said.
Thanks, J!
I’d kick a kitten off my roof if it would get my husband to think this way.
Libl, I am sorry you and your husband are not on the same page. Perhaps you need to do some major regrouping. This comment shows that your focus is on your husband changing. While I agree that it would be good for him to make some changes (based on what you’ve described of his behavior), you are never going to make that happen.
There’s no point going around thinking about how nice it would be married to a different version of your husband (one who values you and your orgasms). That just sets you up for continuous disappointment–and your husband may well be picking up on some of that.
I would like to recommend that you spend some time working on yourself and your relationship with God. Work toward developing an attitude of contentment and discernment in regards to your marriage. See where you can nurture your own heart to grow rather than look so hard at what your husband is not doing. Just look at yourself for a while. Love the woman you are, who God has created. Get some support for yourself, either through counseling or a pastor.
Meanwhile, I’d like to suggest that you make an effort to not complain about your husband–not in person, and not on blog posts. Certainly confront him in his sin and let him know how you are feeling about things, but do so in a way that is kind and respectful. Share your frustrations with one or two trusted women who you know will tell you when enough is enough. Complaining about him on the internet is not healthy for you or for your marriage.
So just stop. Take some deep breaths. Crawl into God’s lap and cry out your frustrations–and then ask Him to help you seek contentment and joy in your marriage. If your husband won’t change, then you have to be the one to do so.
My prayers are with you, and my heart hurts for you. Don’t let your frustrations about what you don’t have dampen the joy of what you have.
Hi Chris,
First off I really enjoyed reading your article. It helped me better understand what my delightful husband has been trying to express. This is very helpful as I have some scars in my past that at one point had taught me men only want sex. Or at least that man.
I hope I won’t be out of line but I guess after reading Libl post and your response. I’m wondering if Libl was only sharing part of the story. What I heard was anger, but I’ve learned that there is always another feeling under anger. Like sadness of not feeling valued might be a shoe that could fit. I heard a lot of red flags. I hear a lot of resentment. Been there in my first marriage. So I do agree with your advice Chris to go to God full heartedly. But I also know that kinda response from people left me anger=which was actually sadness over feeling I didn’t even have a voice in a Christian community which is suppose to show love and kindness. Seeking out a good Christian counselor not one that is a puppet and tells your husband what to do, but one that that is biblical to applying God’s word. Long and short I guess is I heard some warning signs from Libl post of what turned out to be warning signs in my own marriage of sexual addiction. Not saying that is what Libl situation is, but if it is that it is alright to have biblical boundaries. The statement she made about just going straight to sex or I’ll just go masturbate is not ok. To be told by other Christians that is ok is very damaging. Took me to a very dark place. And please don’t mistake me as someone that just jumped to remarriage. I did follow seek God during that season of my life and wouldn’t trade those hard eight years and the deeper intimate relationship I gained with my Lord and Savior. We serve a mighty God that is working all things to his glory.
Once again Chris thank you for this article.
Thank you for your comment, Marie. My reply was based on many similar comments from libl over several years, both here and on other blogs. It was not a reply to this one comment alone, and I should have made that clear for the sake of other readers. It is what I am saying to her, not what I would say to another woman who might post a similar comment. I am sorry for my lack of clarity.
What her husband is doing is NOT okay, and she is right to be unhappy and angry. It sounds to me like he is sinning against her, and he needs to be called out on that. However, complaining about him on the internet won’t accomplish that. I DO think that complaints that are accompanied by genuine questions about what can be done and brief explanations of what has been tried so far are okay. Also, it is okay to complain with a focus on how a husband’s actions make us feel. These things are complaining with a goal of improving the marriage and learning how to proceed. My concern for libl is because I see complaints without these goals. I am suggesting a break from complaining and an emphasis on personal growth for libl because what she has been doing hasn’t worked for her.
Chris,
Out of all rhe advice that you have given, the point you make about not complaining about your spouse, is some of the best. I know that when we are hurting for whatever reason, the most natural thing in the world is to seek out allies who will come alongside us in agreement. There is nothing wrong with that, in moderation, and as you said, with a couple of close confidants, but to take it beyond that is damaging.
It has been beneficial for me to just realize that my wife has struggles, as everyone does, and sometimes those struggles seem personal. The truth is, that most of the time, it as little to do with me, and much to do with her. I just find myself unwilling to tear her down more.
I love to watch for the things that she does that makes her special, and the things that make me feel like I won the lottery when she agreed to marry me. I would much rather share that with the world, than the areas where she might have difficulty.
I don’t always suceed, and I am as likely to vent a bit as anyone, but I know that venting has never done long term good, but building her up whenever I can benefits us both.
It is so good to be able to build up our spouses. Having others agree that our complaints are valid can be reassuring. It’s helpful to have some perspective and know that our discontent is not unfounded. When it goes no further, our complaining turns inward and affects our hearts. Looking for positive things in my husband has helped my own perspective many times. Reminding myself of the good in him can help me approach our struggles in a way that encourages his growth rather than make him defensive.
Thank you for the article. I agree with much of what you say. Is a woman truly fulfilled in the communion of God blessed love making if she does not have an orgasm?
Actually, she very well can be. Some women have never experienced an orgasm but enjoy lovemaking very much. Some of my most spiritual sexual experiences with my husband have included an orgasm for me, and some have not. In fact, I would say that some of my most fulfilling experiences with my husband have been those times when I have gone out of my way to bless him and enhance his pleasure as a way of expressing my love for him. I have been blessed and fulfilled–not because I’ve had an orgasm, but because I have fully and unashamedly given to my husband.
That information is a blessing!
🙂 When a woman repeatedly chooses not to try for an orgasm, or when a husband doesn’t give the wife the time and attention she needs to have one, that is a problem and I would have concerns about intimacy. But perhaps you should ask your wife that question and listen to what she has to say.
I found this article to be really interesting. A lot of your articles (and others from like-minded) blogs, have helped me to change my broken perspective about men, sex and my own sexuality.
Sometimes I find it funny when something you write makes me understand more because I am in a healthier place emotionally as well as in my marriage. Its like another piece clicks further.
Just under a year and a half ago, I was seeking out understanding so I had proof I could blame him for the status of our sex life (because when I wasnt plain in the mood, I was gate keeping) and now, just last week after a few days of both of us mutually being exhausted and falling right to sleep, I attacked him! He commented after about not expecting that and how much he loved it.
While I’m very much a work in progress still, things have changed between us.
Thanks for more clarity to my husbands heart.
I’m always happy to hear from another wife who is a work-in-progress. It is amazing to see how different a marriage can be when we grow, isn’t it?
Definitely is!
Like you, I didnt really know where else to consciously start (at least in a place where I felt like he would actually notice change.)
Though at first like I said, I was looking for justification behind my behavior or something close that I could shove at him and say “this is on you! You want this so bad, you fix it!”
What I really found was something I needed to work on within myself, that selfishly because I could focus on “me”; Focus on trying something else so that if it didnt work, at best I could shove it in his face about it because I would know as well as could say “I had tried everything” and at least, healed something within myself. (Now I find both of those thoughts incredibly sad.)
Its been a journey so far and I’m sure there is much more to learn, but at least I can say we are stronger from it. And that only gives me more hope for our marriage 20 years from now.
I was also looking for justification for a long time. We’ve come a long way!
Great article! After 31 years of marriage to a wonderful man, I still sometimes have difficulty accepting that he *enjoys* giving me pleasure. The female body can be so unpredictable- especially as our bodies change. Women’s sexual response can take a long time to build, & sometimes I felt guilty because he had to invest so much effort into helping me orgasm, while it was so simple to achieve for him. In my mind, it was unfair to him, & even though he tried to reassure me, I just assumed he was only saying that because he loved me & wanted to protect my feelings, lol. I’ve come to realize that a lot of my problem was that my perspective had been skewed by the world’s messages about sex, without me being aware of how those messages affected my attitude. I’ve learned to truly believe (not just hear) what my husband is telling me, & to remind myself to relax & just enjoy the process when my body isn’t cooperating & extra attention is required. Articles like this one are soooo helpful!
My body is often uncooperative, and I suspect I will always struggle with these same things. When we’re aware of our skewed assumptions and choose to believe our husbands anyway, the marriage bed is so much more enjoyable. 🙂
Am I the only one who’s orgasms are just meh?
I’ve been married 25 years and am pretty versed at “getting there” but my orgasms have never been mind blowing and bodily pleasurable. They are just ok.
Actually, I enjoy sex more without working on “getting there” because, quite frankly, in my case, it’s more work than pleasure.
Joanne – I think I’d feel that way if I didn’t used a vibrator for clitorial stimulation. If I had to do it manually I think it would take too long and be too labor intensive.
Also combining different areas such as kissing and stimulating clitoris or some other area of the body can speed things up too.
But I definitely relate to what your saying but thought I’d make a few suggestions in case you hadn’t tried some of those other things.
For me, if I was going to do manual stimulation without engaging other parts of the body it would probably take me around 25-30 minutes of direct stimulation and also I would need a very consistent type of stimulation with would mean no position changes or anything like that. With a toy it’s like 5 to 15 minutes which is more manageable.
Hi A
I appreciate your suggestions. I will try a vibrator. My actual problem seems to be that my orgasms themselves aren’t that big of a deal. I don’t understand when everyone talks about the “intense pleasure” of orgasms. I get a few muscle contractions and then nothing. I always end up thinking to myself: “all that effort for that?” Maybe it’s just me. Maybe a vibrator will help with the intensity. Worth a try. Thank you.
What about her frustration when she doesn’t orgasm? If she persistently doesn’t orgasm even when they’ve both put great effort into it, does that mean that he never feels complete? I can’t help getting the impression from this article that his ‘disapointment’ is more of a problem than her frustration. How would you advise husbands about dealing with how she is feeling?
Her frustration about orgasm is certainly a bigger problem than his disappointment! This post is simply explaining what husbands said about why they cared about a wife’s orgasm. I didn’t think to ask about whether the men felt incomplete if their wives never had an orgasm, but it would have been an interesting question to learn about. I suspect there are quite a few men would say that they do feel a bit incomplete, like something important is missing.
If a woman struggles with orgasm, I would advise her to talk with her doctor to see if there is something medical going on with her and to communicate clearly with her husband about what is getting in the way or what she thinks would help her. I would advise her husband to listen to what his wife says about what she needs and to set aside his own ego and feelings to help her have an orgasm if that is what she wants. Many times, it may be that he is simply not taking the time that she needs, or he is moving too quickly past the kinds of touches that help her mind and body work together to have an orgasm.
Also, I would remind them both that she is likely to have different needs at different times of the month or during different seasons of life. Menopause has thrown me into a long season where orgasm is a real struggle again. Things that worked ten years ago don’t do much for me now. While it is very frustrating, it is also an opportunity for increased intimacy as I learn to share about this struggle with my husband and as he learns to stretch outside his usual repertoire to do things that can help me. Seeing my husband work harder for me makes me love him all the more.