If you’ve ever wondered why your husband makes such a big deal out of your orgasm, you aren’t alone.
In fact, sometimes it may seem like he enjoys your orgasm even more than you do!
Last summer I asked husbands to complete a survey that consisted of one question:
What does it mean to you when your wife has an orgasm during sexual activity with you?
Fewer than 200 men responded to the survey, so this was a small sample size. It certainly wasn’t a scientific study. Still, what the men had to say is consistent with other comments I’d read and heard from husbands about their wives’ sexual pleasure. The responses didn’t surprise me.
As unsurprising as the responses were to me, I’ve found it a bit tricky to write about them.
Many responses are based on the assumption that female sexual response does and should work like male sexual response.
I have no issue with a husband’s desire for his wife to have an orgasm. What I do take issue with is when his desire becomes an expectation that she experiences as pressure, or when he uses her orgasm to measure the success of a particular encounter, the health of their relationship, or her feelings for him.
However, orgasm isn’t always an easy thing for us. Many factors can affect a woman’s ability to experience an orgasm: the time of the month, the season of life, the amount of time available for a particular encounter, the health of the relationship overall, life stresses, and so on.
Although I don’t agree with some of the underlying assumptions, there is much we can learn from thinking about why our orgasms matter to our husbands.
The men’s responses help us glimpse what their orgasms mean to them—and what sex with us means to them. The responses open a window into our husbands’ hearts and minds.
Survey responses indicated four reasons your husband likes your orgasm so much:
1. He finds it arousing.
You’ve heard that men are visual, right? The specifics of what this means are up for debate, but most of us would agree that a man is sexually stimulated when he sees his wife’s naked body. This stimulation is exponentially more when her body is being sexual and expressing sexual enjoyment.
Let’s face it. Seeing (and hearing) your spouse enjoy sex can be a real turn-on. Although quite a few men mentioned this, they didn’t have a whole to say about it. The most eloquent comment was this:
“It is HIGHLY erotic.”
Your husband gets happy tingles from your happy endings.
What can we learn?
Your sexual pleasure helps his. It’s kind of nice this way. Although sex sometimes is about one person scratching an itch, God designed sex to be a mutual experience. Think about it this way: if your husband finds it arousing to see you have an orgasm, he’s likely to want to spend some time making sure that happens. Bypassing your pleasure diminishes his.
You don’t have to pursue an orgasm just because he enjoys it—but sometimes it might mean that you choose to do so as a way of loving your husband.
Most husbands want their wives to experience sexual pleasure—because as much as we sometimes think of sex as for men, the men themselves don’t see it that way. Mull that over for a bit. It’s important.
2. He feels manly.
When your husband has helped you have an orgasm, he feels like a man.
Most men will say that their sexuality is a core part of their masculinity—so it makes sense that helping their wives experience sexual pleasure and release reaches into this part of who he is.
Here’s what some of the guys had to say:
“It makes me feel like I am a good lover. It fills a desire in my heart to be the knight is shining armor who is able to bless her with such a wonderful feeling. ”
“It builds me up as a man that I was able to satisfy her this way. And I feel closer to her afterwards and I hope the same is for her.”
“Selfishly, I feel like more of a man when I am able to bring her to orgasm. I actually enjoy giving her the gift of that pleasure and I want to share it with her. It is a sense of accomplishment, sort of like mowing the grass where I can stand back after it is done and say, `This is good, I did a good job.’”
Most men I know are task-oriented. They have a goal, they take the steps needed to accomplish the goal, and when they finish the task, they bask in the afterglow of accomplishment. This is just part of the way lots of guys are wired.
Your orgasm helps him feel accomplished as a man in a way nothing else can.
What can we learn?
Understanding that your orgasm taps into your husband’s sense of himself as a man can help you communicate effectively.
You can use words that honor both the effort and the success (even if that success didn’t include an orgasm).
“I really appreciated how you touched me so gently.”
“You did such an amazing job of getting me aroused.”
“If my body hadn’t been so finicky, that definitely would’ve done the job.”
“I love the feeling of your weight on me.”
“You make my body feel amazing.”
Look, I know that these words won’t cancel your husband’s disappointment that he wasn’t able to give you an orgasm. You can respect his feeling and choose words that build him up to help him feel his disappointment less keenly.
3. He feels desired and loved.
Survey respondents reported that nothing makes a man feel as desired and loved as does his wife’s sexual interest in him–and her orgasm is the pinnacle of that love and desire.
“It means she enjoys being with me. I feel valued and desirable and competent.”
“She enjoyed it as much as I did. By extension it means she’s glad she had sex with me.”
Your sexual responses to your sweetie’s efforts confirm that you desire and love a core part of who he is–but it goes beyond this, too. Quite a few men also look at a wife’s orgasm as a sign of her trust in him.; she relaxed enough to let go in his presence.
“She’s allowed me to give her the most intimate gift available – she’s lowered the barriers and let me into her innermost being.”
“It means she trusts me intimately enough to freely let go of herself with abandon. It is one of the most deeply meaningful expressions of trust in marriage.”
What can we learn?
This tells us so much about the emotional connection our husbands experience during sex. Our trust matters to them. They treasure the fact that we are opening our hearts–not just our bodies–to their touch.
Here’s something else: when men comment about what their wives are thinking and feeling during orgasm, they are also telling us about how they themselves think and feel during their own orgasms.
Consider what these comments might say about how your husband feels when he has sex with you:
Your husband enjoys being with you.
He values you.
He is lowering his barriers and letting you into his innermost being.
He trusts you.
His walls are down.
When your husband is sharing his body with your, he is also sharing his heart.
And that leads to what may be the most significant reason a wife’s orgasm means so much to her husband . . .
4. He experiences the one-flesh intimacy of marriage in a deep, all-encompassing way.
We carry around a lot of stereotypes about men valuing sex only because it feels physically good. Many of us feel like our husbands value us only for sex, meaning that we think he sees us as a place to put his penis.
This is negative thinking on our part. First,most husbands value their wives for many reasons that have nothing to do with sex. Second, I want to point out that being valued for sex is so much more than what we often think.
By far, the greatest number of comments, and the ones with the most heart, were about the deep intimacy that our husbands experience only with us.
Your orgasm matters because it shows that sexual enjoyment is mutual. It is shared. It provides completion in a way that his orgasm alone does not.
“Most importantly, however, it means that she has allowed herself to put the other things in her life and her mind aside to create a special time in which the two of us are working together to give each other mutual pleasure, and to commit emotionally and physically to that end. This makes me feel valued and significant. “
“While I do enjoy my own orgasm(s), my orgasm without hers leaves me feeling incomplete.”
“It means a mutuality, a participation that we are in a place of refreshment and enjoyment of each other together. That it’s not just me taking something from her, not using her – instead it’s a beautiful balance of giving and receiving.”
“I feel that my wife loves me and wants to be one with me in body, soul and spirit.”
“A sense of sharing a depth of intimate love that I cannot quite articulate in words.”
These are not the words of men who value only a physical release.
When you experience an orgasm with your husband, he feels feel complete and connected, with the relationship in a beautiful balance.
Quite a few men commented on the spiritual aspect of a wife’s orgasm:
“I think it’s much more than just a feeling of accomplishment or making me feel like a worthy man. It may have something to do with reflecting the character of God in that he is joyous when we delight in him and receive pleasure from him. Without needing anything from us, he is delighted when we receive from him. Maybe it’s part of being made in his image.”
Is it possible? Does your husband’s enjoyment of, and appreciation for, your orgasm reflect the image of God?
What can we learn?
A wife’s orgasm is not about her. It is not about him. It is about “us.”
Your orgasm matters to your husband because you matter–and because “us” matters.
Your husband’s desire for your orgasm is not just a matter of his ego or not wanting to feel selfish about sex.
It is deeper.
It is richer.
It is a desire that grows out of a need for connection and intimacy with you.
Your husband views sexual intimacy with you as the deepest way that the two of you can be connected with each other. His own orgasms, and yours, are knit together to help you experience the one-flesh mystery of marriage.
Isn’t this the best reason of all?