“Why do you have such a hard time with sex?” Big Guy would ask.
“I’m too tired.”
“You don’t seem to care about me.”
“My body isn’t very sexy.”
“We’re arguing with each other, and the last thing I want to do is have sex with you.”
I didn’t always have the same answer. In part, this was because the real answer involved lots of factors. Mostly, though, it was because I hadn’t bothered to really figure out why sex was so hard for me.
The root of the answer lay in my past.
❦ ❦ ❦
What I’d learned and believed about sex and sexuality was a significant factor. I had beliefs that had shaped my views on sex. I dragged sexual baggage around with me—some from my own sins and some from the sins of others. I carried a burden of wounds and shame. My own sexual history held the clues.
Although it is unwise to dwell in the past, it is important to be willing to look at the past in order to fully face our sins as well as identify areas where we need to grow and to heal.
Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord. Lamentations 3:40
I’d like to suggest four things you can do to prompt your thinking about your own views on sex.
1. Create an image
An image is a tool that engages different thinking processes and allows you to see patterns that might not be evident otherwise.
A few years ago I wrote a post about creating a marriage map—a visual representation of your marriage or of some aspect of your marriage. I shared one that I’d created specifically about sexual intimacy in our marriage. It can also work well to reflect on your own sexual history.
I’ve been reflecting on a particular set of experiences in my own past that I’ve been trying to make sense of. I created a new image today as I was working through that. Many writing teachers refer to this as clustering or a spider diagram. I started with myself in the middle of the page and drew a bubble around it. As I reflected on different aspects of my sexual history, I would add a new circle and use a line to connect it to the idea that had triggered that thought. The lines show you how different pieces of experience are connected together.
Seeing these connections helped me realize an area where I need to do more work to grow and mature.
2. Make a timeline
A timeline helps you focus on the sequence of how things developed in your own sexual history. It can help you see how some experiences may have provided a foundation for something that happened later on.
I made a timeline this afternoon. The one I’m sharing here is pretty basic. (I have another very messy one that includes a lot more detail.) Creating this helped me think through different seasons in my life and see how some of my views have unfolded over time.
Edited to add: My friend J at Hot, Holy & Humorous did a whole post about making a timeline before I even started my blog. Check it out: Creating an Intimacy Timeline. Great minds think alike!
3. Write it out
In Chapter 9 of Awaken Love, Ruth Buezis recommends making a written inventory of your personal sexual history. I’ve done this, and because I like to write, I had a lot to say about some things. Seeing your beliefs and experiences put into words can be quite eye-opening. Seeing these things written out helped give me a bit of distance and objectivity about some things. One experience in particular is one that I have struggled to come to terms with. After writing it out, I was able to have compassion for the young woman on the page—and that helped me accept forgiveness for myself.
4. Talk it out
Another approach is to speak about our experiences out loud. Hearing our own experiences in our own voices can be a powerful thing. The first times I heard my own voice say, “I was raped” and “I hurt my husband by being so selfish about my sexual issues,” I was able to claim those experiences as a true part of my own life.
Many times when I’ve used this approach to facing something in my past, I’ve been in the car. (True story: More than once I’ve made sure I was wearing a Bluetooth device so it would look like I was talking on the phone instead of to myself.)
❦ ❦ ❦
If you are struggling to figure out why you struggle with sex, I’d like to encourage you to spend time thinking through the beliefs and experiences that have contributed to what you think and feel about sex now.
Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord. Lamentations 3:40
Learn what you can about yourself. As you uncover habits or thoughts that haven’t been good for you, start to think of steps you can take to change. As you recognize sin, repent and ask for forgiveness. As you see wounds that still hurt, seek healing.
Understanding why you have a hard time with sex is a good first step to take.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2
Image credit | tweetyspics at pixabay.com
I've moved! While you can peruse the archives here, I am no longer posting at The Forgiven Wife.
Please join me at Honeycomb & Spice.
Ladies, if you're interested in joining me for a study of Juli Slattery's new book God, Sex, and Your Marriage, time is running out! Our study begins with introductions on February 26, 2023, but the study will be open to join until March 5.
