I’m a big proponent of taking small steps, and I’ve often said that slow progress is still progress.
These days I’ve been putting all that into action.
When my husband and I moved in with his dad five months ago, we knew that one of the challenges we would face is figuring out what to do with our household of stuff. We took some things with us, but we left a lot behind, too.
My father-in-law’s house is small. I’ve struggled to feel like there is space for me, my work, and my need for alone time. I haven’t been able to make many changes to help the place feel like home for me. I’ve been uncomfortable, and I’ve yearned to feel like I fit there.
We’ve had some things stacked in the garage since we moved there. There is a walk-up attic that is basically an unfinished second story to the house. The old floor boards aren’t well supported, and many of them are broken or altogether missing. Most of the usable floor space was filled with various items that had been placed there haphazardly over the years. It was hard to imagine that there could be space for our things.
The attic has a room, partly finished. It would make a great space for an office, but there were chunks of plaster on the floor, old window screens leaned up against the wall, and three heavy garbage bags full of books.
Having no space for me and no space for our stuff has been a daily challenge for me.
Our son stayed in our place in Wisconsin to finish our our lease. Last weekend he moved into an apartment, and our lease is up next week. I’ve known for a while that I would need to spend a few days here preparing the rest of our stuff to be donated, pitched, or moved.
We downsized several years ago when we moved into the place we’ve been renting, so we don’t have nearly as much stuff as we used to. But our photos and memorabilia alone fill many, many tubs. I have boxes and boxes of books—and since I enjoy rereading books, I can’t bring myself to get rid of them.
Despite the fact that we are moving almost no furniture (two tables, a filing cabinet, and a book case), there is a lot of work that needs to be done.
My husband and I looked around at storage units, and we just didn’t find one that we thought would be a good fit.
Then we got thinking, What if we can find a way to make the attic usable?
Big Guy and his brother laid down several sheets of plywood across one end of the attic where the boards were all missing. That gave me a place I could begin to put some of the things that were already stored in the attic. I spent a lot of last week in the attic, carrying boxes and sliding the things I couldn’t lift. I filled garbage bags with things that were clearly garbage, and I organized my late mother-in-law’s belongings.
I would do a little bit each day, working hard for a few hours and then going downstairs to rest.
My work looked a little haphazard. I would move a few things from one area, and then a few things from another. As I would move things out of one area, I would try to replace some of the boards and nail them back in—and then I’d have to put something there while I went to tackle another area.
The plywood area was getting filled, but it didn’t look like I was making much progress in creating any new space.
And then, suddenly, I could see progress.
Large areas of the floor began to appear. All the garbage bags were consolidated into one spot. I was actually able to sweep a little.
And then I realized that the partly finished room had been kind of cleared up, too. It isn’t usable as an office at the moment, but it does have space for my books and my craft and yarn stash—and for a small table where I can sit to do Bible study or writing if I want.
At the moment I am back in Wisconsin, partway into my purge-and-pack project.I don’t feel like I will be ready in time—yet I am already beginning to see that our piles of stuff are becoming neatly stacked boxes and tubs.
This experience has helped me remember some of the same lessons that helped me through my time of marriage growth, too.
- Small steps really do make progress. The progress has been slow, but slow progress is still progress. When I was working to grow sexually, I took plenty of very small steps. Over time, I was able to see that I was making progress.
- Even small-step effort to make progress can slow things down in other areas of life. My blog is one of the things that has slowed down. While I don’t like that, the reality is that I’ve had to shift my priorities for a time. The same thing happened when I was working on my sexual struggles. I slowed down in some other areas of life in order to free up mental and emotional space for putting the effort into sex.
- Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today. I could have been in Wisconsin every month for a few days, having time to make decisions, drive donations to the thrift store, and transport our things one carload at a time. Instead, here I am thinking about the deadline of the end of our lease, wondering why I am such a procrastinator. I thought the same thing as I was working on sex. Why, oh why, did I wait so long?
- In order to deal with one thing, you may have to go deal with something else first. I couldn’t move things out of one area of the attic until I’d created space to put those things. As I tried to conquer areas of sexual struggle, I had to go back and deal with other things—sexual baggage, relational hurt, and so on.
- Sometimes you need the help of others. I needed to rely on my husband and brother-in-law to lay the plywood down for me. My husband needed to rely on his brother to transport the plywood in his truck. I did a lot of the work, but I had to consult with others and give them time to do what I needed them to do. I found a lot of good support online when I was working on sex. Finding a few good Christian marriage and sex websites gave me an understanding I hadn’t gained on my own.
At the moment, I still have a lot of small steps in front of me in this move—but I know those small steps will create progress, just as small steps made progress in my sex life.
When this move is finished, I will have all my stuff with me. My mementos. Our family pictures. The dishes that were a wedding gift to my great-grandparents. My books. My yarn stash.
And as I fit my stuff into the space I’ve created, I will realize that the move is really done. And I’ll believe that I can fit there, too, just as I learned to fit and be comfortable in my sex life some years ago.
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Chris,
It seems as if you and your husband is dealing with similar circumstances as my wife and I..Mainly that we have our stuff in storage and not living in our own place, but also there have been times when our own “quiet” time has been compromised.
We have downsized as she has a job that requires us to be on site. (which is the source of lack of privacy)
We are waiting on God as we navigate from one chapter of life to the next. We know our circumstances are temporary so we are willing to roll with it for how ever long it is needed. My own profession allows me to have a far amount of locker space to store things we desire to keep. I feel pretty grateful for the storage space we have.
I will say that my wife and I have drawn closer than ever. There are periods of time where she has a lot of free time in her position that has resulted in a lot of thought-provoking conversations. Discussions we should’ve been having long before we even tied the knot nearly 40 years ago.
Our discussions actually revolve on how we communicate but also what it means to emotionally stimulate one another’s brain as we sojourn deeper into each other’s mind..(in and out like a revolving door)
We have a deeper appreciation for each other, which has also elevated our intimacy into a much higher level.
We have found this transitional time exciting.
Thank you for giving us an update of you and your husband’s own transition.
Thank you for sharing about your own experience. It is helpful to us to see that it is possible to thrive during these kinds of seasons.
Thank you for sharing this. In my current, overwhelmed state of mind, I am having trouble slowing my brain down from the whirlwind of all the stress we are attempting to navigate. As the two of you, we are helping aging parents. His mom lives with us and has health issues, but is pretty easy going; my mom does not live with us, but has dementia and is not easy going. Then there’s job issues. I can take small steps mentally & spiritually in an attempt to manage the stress because I cannot see a way that any of it will be resolved soon.
I’ve enjoyed you on Sex Chat for Christian Wives for quite a while–I’m not sure why it took me so long to come to your blog.
I’m glad you finally came to visit me here. I am trying to become comfortable with the fact that we will have no resolution soon (and that in fact it will likely get worse before it gets better). Some days I don’t even try to take steps forward; I just try to pick myself up off the ground without moving backward. We can only do what we can do, and even small moments of stepping outside the stress can give us refreshment.
I just wanted to come and share a bit of a triumph! A small step for some, and my husband may not recognize it, but I thought about and initiated sex the other day, and I actually wanted it! Often times I agree to sex firstly because I know it makes my husband happy, but then end up enjoying myself. This time, I was excited for not only his happiness, but for myself as well! This is something that hasn’t happened very often. I have found myself thinking about that encounter and getting excited for the next one! I’m not sure that this feeling will last and will mean I’m finally past my issues, but it gives me hope for the future. Like you said, small steps can make a big difference! I believe that I need to continue on this trend while I’m in the mood and hopefully I will start to break through some of my aversions and thought processes about sex! Thanks for being so encouraging and helpful. I often read your blog and suggested links throughout the day and it gives me the motivation and mindset to be ready for initiating later!
This is awesome! Just the fact that you know that it CAN happen like this is all the encouragement we need. Thanks for sharing your tremendous milestone with us.