When I began my journey of sexual transformation, it didn’t even occur to me that I was beginning a journey. I just figured it was about having sex more often and changing my husband’s attitude and demeanor.
It never occurred to me how much change would happen within me or how much I would learn about myself in the process. Here’s what I’ve learned so far.
- I am even more stubborn than I knew. My husband always says that the men in his family marry strong-willed woman. He certainly did! I fight change. I think I’m always right. I insist on having the last word. I’m inflexible. It is beyond me how God changed my stubborn heart, because I sure fought Him all the way.
- I feel unworthy. I’ve always had some insecurity, but I didn’t realize until recently how little true value I thought I had. For years, I felt undeserving of joy. I’ve been known to sabotage my own success. Pulling down the walls around my heart was a great act of courage for me. Being vulnerable and fully open to my husband’s love and to God’s love makes me feel spiritually naked. Sometimes, when we are enjoying particularly loving sexual activity, I tremble with the power of the intimacy. I am slowly letting go of my feelings of unworthiness in our marriage, but it takes work and intention on my part.
- I am adventurous. Honestly, once I let down the walls, I discovered that sex was even more fun that I remembered. I have been the one to bring most of our new ideas, activities, and “props” into the bedroom. When a package comes to the door for me, my husband chuckles and rolls his eyes and wonders what he’s in for.
- I have so much work ahead of me. When I started this journey-that-I-refused-to-think-was-a-journey, I still thought my husband was the problem. He wanted sex. He wasn’t respectful of my time/space/interests. What I have discovered is that I was the problem. I was selfish. I was immature. I was disrespectful of his physiological and emotional needs as a man. I withheld myself from him. Even as I continue to make good changes and see so much growth in myself, it seems that every time I accomplish one thing I discover more that I need to address.
- I am beautiful and sexy. You would laugh if you knew me in real life. I am about 70 pounds overweight. I have arthritis in my knees and lower back. My GERD and chronic sinus troubles limit positions and some activities. I have stretchmarks from my thighs to my boobs, and “droopy” is an adjective that can be used to describe much of my body. But yes, I am beautiful and I am sexy. I am my husband’s standard of beauty. I am the only woman who makes his eyes light up and who makes him waggle his eyebrows and smile in a certain way. That has been the best lesson of all.
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