Robyn Gibson at UPwithmarriage commented on a recent post here about the course of study she undertook to work on herself when she got tired of arguing with her husband about sex.
She graciously agreed to write about her journey here. Her discipline, intention, and commitment are such an inspiration.
I think you will find Robyn’s story a wonderful example of how much a woman can change when she lets God guide her growth.
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Chris over at Forgiven Wife invited me to share a little deeper regarding a comment in which I had spoken of a 365 Day Journey. Today’s post is that amplification. In her email she wrote something I want to share: “The process of change can seem an insurmountable hurdle […]”
This is where I want to jump off from to start.
Indeed it was insurmountable. Although I knew what God had showed me to do, I had no idea how He was going to change me or what I was going to be like at the end of the journey; this was flying blind for sure. I only knew for sure where I was: It was time for something to change. Our marriage had been ravaged; beaten up and bleeding… dying; a barely recognizable corpse. A sorry sight for representation of Christ and His church. Anais Nin captured my day when she wrote, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
Did you catch that? “… the risk to remain tight … MORE PAINFUL … than the risk to blossom.”
Either way I risked: Risk is the key. The Lord told me that by remaining “tight in a bud” I was entering dangerous territory. Faith in myself was too great a risk and my efforts had now proved failure. He wanted me to risk it all … on Him. This then, was the first step. The knowledge that it wasn’t really about me and Darrell or our marriage; but about my trust in my heavenly Father. It was about faith; God and me. All of the elements and conditions that comprise a marriage are merely tools in God’s loving hands to shape my heart.
I remember the day, it was July 17th. And I had to tell Darrell; yup, didn’t like that part too much. I was afraid that by telling what was going to happen it would be an admittance of guilt that all of the problems in our sex life were my fault. And God said, “It’s not about ‘the’ problem or who’s at fault. You think with a divided heart; you should be One Flesh … where there is no division. Focus 100% on being the wife I want you to be. Not on what kind of husband I want Darrell to be. Daughter that is none of your business.”
In my original comment I stated, “My first step was to actively initiate sex every day for 1 year.”
I now see that the proactiveness of my initiating sex worked hand in hand with the internal work God was doing with my heart. In his book The Go-Giver, Bob Burg captures this Biblical precept in the fictional character, Joe. Each day Joe learns a different precept about giving but the most powerful part of each lesson is not the hearing of the information but rather the morphing of that information into personal knowledge; this happens through the doing of the lesson.
At first it went along well, but then we ran into a road block. Darrell became suspicious that it was only an act; and as such, began to reject my advances. I shared with him on a deeper level that I understood how it could seem as an act; and it would be only acting if there wasn’t the desire in me to adapt to him. I showed him some of my journal notes and what God had been teaching me on two of the verses from my list; Ephesians 5:22 & 33b.
Wives, be subject (be submissive and adapt yourselves) to your own husbands as [a service] to the Lord.
[…] let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly].
I’m proud of Darrell for stepping out in faith and trusting my relationship with our Father. I know it was hard for him to go against the past memories of rejection that were so imbedded in his flesh. Without his faith this process would have taken me much longer and been more difficult. But to his credit he trusted God.
As I stated in my original comment, there were 11 groupings of core verses. They were given in a specific order. I’ve omitted the specific verses as they were given directly to me and for me. We are all individuals and God would chose different parts of His Word for a different sister and perhaps even for me if it had been a different time in my maturity. I wouldn’t want anyone to think my list of verses as a “prescription” of any kind.
I will say that none of the core list had any of the standard verses on marriage, wives or submission or even sex; weird, I know. It was with these core verses that I always began the study; but the further into the journey I got, the more we springboarded to different verses.
I think it’s important to note that God only gave me three parameters regarding His Word:
- Study with Me first thing in the morning.
- I’ve given you specific verses, use them.
- Keep on a continual loop and don’t deviate unless I show you where and when.
Sometimes I moved through the list twice in one week; other times I struggled and was ‘stuck’ on a single verse for 3 weeks. Within each group there was always a section to read and meditate on and specific verses to memorize.
I realize that sticking to a mere few verses goes against many devotionals that promise to take you through the Bible in one year. Not to mention how much of a grind it sounds like. But I think that’s part of it. It’s work to change and you have to be willing to wrestle with God as He holds you in place while you learn what He knows is best for you.
The most exciting prospect I received from God was how serious He was about actually really changing me. It was when He compared my study with Him to attending university for a degree that I understood the gravity of what He was doing in me. University is focused learning; it’s drilling down on what you are going to need in order to finish out the rest of your life to support yourself. Learning this was going to give me the undergirding of knowledge and necessary tools to support our marriage … for the duration of our time on earth.
Every day started the same. A fresh page in my journal book with the heading of the date followed by the day count of 365, then the verse(s) I would be reading and writing. Sometimes I wrote in prayer style, sometimes study style or point form. Other times, it was just writing out a particular verse – over and over and over again. And to be honest there were pages that only had the day count out of 365 and were covered in tears. Having your brain and heart rewired to God’s specifications hurts and it’s not easy. When we decide to take a-hold of Paul’s prayer for us in Romans 12:2, it’s important to make a plan and count the cost to help keep you on track. By staying on track with a plan I was able to build into perseverance in faith.
Post image credit | PlushDesignStudio at pixabay.com
Other images by Robyn Gibson
I've moved! While you can peruse the archives here, I am no longer posting at The Forgiven Wife.
Please join me at Honeycomb & Spice.
Ladies, if you're interested in joining me for a study of Juli Slattery's new book God, Sex, and Your Marriage, time is running out! Our study begins with introductions on February 26, 2023, but the study will be open to join until March 5.
A moving testimony!
I agree!
Thank you david.
This really spoke to me. Would you say this dangerous territory you were entering, remaining a tight in a bud, was actually you, whether you realized it or not, hardening your heart? I ask because I have really been struggling trying to forgive myself of everything (sexual sin, anger, lust, being a complete failure as a man, and the list goes on…), and I have noticed myself not being giving of myself emotionally to my wife. I have also noticed at times it is intentional. Of course this isn’t conducive for sex. And I think this is the result of trying to be right with God and base my relationship with Him by not failing. There are times my wife’s love just reminds me of my failure. How could that be possible? I don’t know. I do the same with God. And I have been thinking that I have gone too far because I have kept these emotions and thoughts to myself, essentially hardening my heart, or as you put it, remaining tight in a bud.
“Either way I risked: Risk is the key. The Lord told me that by remaining “tight in a bud” I was entering dangerous territory. Faith in myself was too great a risk and my efforts had now proved failure. He wanted me to risk it all … on Him. This then, was the first step. The knowledge that it wasn’t really about me and Darrell or our marriage; but about my trust in my heavenly Father. It was about faith; God and me. All of the elements and conditions that comprise a marriage are merely tools in God’s loving hands to shape my heart.”
Hi Jim, yes it was because of hardening my heart. It was dangerous ground because we don’t have the ability, I believe, to be both open and closed at the same time. I had been closing myself off from my husband and as a result closing myself off from God; we can’t have it both ways. What we do to people we do to Jesus. The dangerous ground is that we reach a point where we are so shut off and shut down that it takes crisis/tribulation for us to listen to God.
When God told me that, “Faith in myself was too great a risk,” He meant that my faith in myself would start to become greater and greater and faith in Him would become less and less … He didn’t want that. It was the beginning of self-deception to think that I knew better than God did.
That’s an excellent teaching Robyn, and the key to pursuing a proper biblical marriage. The “problem” with your message is it doesn’t tickle ears and speaks of hard, committed work. For so many, they think that the marriage vows are a magic incantation and the speaking of them insures God’s continuous blessing and that all will go perfectly from that point.forward and then “life” happens. One flesh becomes two minds that are at war with the One mind and His plan.
This may sound hyperbolic, but there is a sacred moment at the wedding reception between the husband and wife during which they acknowledge that they have a responsibility to provide for each other. He for her; she for him. In their turns, one provides as the other accepts that provision and acknowledges the other as their source of provision. That provision they are offering to each other comes to them from one common source of provision.
They are the church, and Christ is the cake. It pains me to see either or both disregard or misunderstand the sacred solemnity of that moment by the mashing of cake in faces. Many find it “cute” or “playful,” and many at the reception find it amusing. I find it disturbing, particularly when done to the bride. I worry that one or both don’t “get it” and that there are difficult times ahead in short order. We will all have those times, but they are better weathered when they are approached as a unified team. It is particularly discouraging when those hard times are the result of the attitudes and actions of a team member. To me, it started with the cake mashing which symbolized a lack of deep awareness of Christ’s place in their lives and marriage. Even if they don’t see the symbolism I do with the cake cutting and sharing, it concerns me that they are showing disregard for the dignity of the other at such a critical time.
That ultimate awareness is what made the difference in turning your marriage around. Through Christ, you sought the will and perfect way of the Father for you and your marriage, while not seeking to empress God’s will upon Darrell. Darrell had to find his own way and relationship with Christ. Through that relationship, he found his proper relationship with you. Good job to both of you.
“For so many, they think that the marriage vows are a magic incantation and the speaking of them insures God’s continuous blessing and that all will go perfectly from that point.forward and then “life” happens.”
Yeah — it’s such a rude awakening when you find out that’s it’s not really a fairy tale after all. Almost too much for some to bear.