I’ve spent a lot of time talking about the process of getting to where I am. My focus in this blog is to look at the process of change in hopes of encouraging another woman who has decided to make things different in her own marriage.
It’s important to celebrate where I am, too. There’s a lot more growing I need to do, but that doesn’t mean I need to wait until I’ve finished my journey to celebrate.
With this blog entry, I’d like to celebrate where I am right at the moment. We have come to enjoy quite a variety of sexual activity. The Marriage Bed has a great article about Biblical standards for determining what is acceptable, along with an explanation and discussion of a number of sexual activities that some people might question.
For years, our sex life was pretty boring (no surprise, since I wasn’t mentally there for much of it). Now, well, how can I put this delicately?. WOW! Not only do we now have a nice collection of “sex stuff” (things that help us provide more pleasure for each other or that make our sexual adventures easier), we have tried new positions and activities. During the first two months of this year alone, we tried four things that were new to us. (Honestly, I had no idea a couple could be married more than two decades and still have new things to try.)
Mostly, this is important because it represents so much growth in our marriage. Once my husband felt sexually safe with me (i.e., not at risk for being rejected), he became comfortable asking me to try new things. And once I started letting down the walls and felt myself become more connected to my husband, my imagination started to flow.
When I was in my refusing and gatekeeping years, sex just seemed like so much work. I was mentally exhausted and just didn’t have the energy to try to enjoy sex. When you’re busy controlling your sex life and expending energy fighting about sex, it’s easy to forget one really important fact: sex is fun! It isn’t just about the orgasm (although that indeed is pretty awesome). It’s also about just playing together with your husband. Remember being a child, having toys and playing pretend with a sibling, cousin, or friend, sometimes having an extended play session focusing on one thing and sometimes going through twenty toys/games in an hour? Good married sex is like that, only with your best friend for life and an orgasm.
Having more fun in the bedroom (and a few other places around the house as well) has become a fun shared activity. My husband and I don’t have a lot of interests in common with each other, so when we do something that one of us enjoys, it means that the other person is not have as much of an enjoyable experience. But sex? It is the ultimate fun bonding activity.
If you are still struggling to wrap your brain around some of the “how to” in making a sexual change, try thinking about the “why to” for a while. Not only is it good for your marriage, good for your husband, good for you, and the right thing to do Biblically, it’s a whole lot of fun!
Does sex still seem like work to you, or are you having fun yet?