A Habit of Intimacy

Does your marriage include a habit of intimacy?

Do you and your husband look for ways to share a moment (or more) with each other—something that is special for the two of you?

I’m not talking about sex here (although sex certainly could qualify).

All sorts of things can be a habit of intimacy.

Using pet names for each other.
Having a code word or phrase for talking about sex when other people are around.
Expressing physical affection through things like hugs, kisses, or even high-fives.
Following a “ritual” of words or actions every time something happens.
Anything else that pauses life just for a brief moment while the two of you connect.

A habit of intimacy is something that the two of you share with each other and not with others.

Long-time habits

I always smile when I read Proverbs 5:18:

May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. Proverbs 5:18

It reminds me that we should continue to enjoy each other and appreciate the fact that we have been together so long. Big Guy and I have been married to each other longer than we were unmarried.

Some habits of intimacy remind us of our connection and history with each other. It builds on our long relationship together and says, “I chose you long ago, and at this moment, I still choose you.”

Big Guy and I have a couple habits of intimacy I can share with you.

One is a kiss tax When I walk past him, he calls for a kiss tax. Once I kiss him, he lets me pass. Of course, he would let me pass if I didn’t want to kiss him, but I always do. It’s a small and quick thing, but it is a habit of intimacy.

We started kiss tax when we were still dating. Every time it happens, it makes me smile when I think of the many years we’ve known each other. I’m happy that I’m still the one he wants to get a kiss from, and he’s happy that I still want to kiss him.

New habits

Not all habits of intimacy hearken back to the early days of a relationship, though. Sometimes they reflect growth or milestones. New intimate habits can illuminate the healing we have found in a relationship.

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

For us, our end-of-day hug is one of those newer habits. When our marriage was difficult, I could feel my stress level rise when I heard Big Guy pull into the garage. I wondered what we would argue about and how bad the tension would be.

As I was working to address the ways I contributed to our marriage problems, I read that you should always give your spouse a goodbye kiss in the morning and a hello kiss at the end of the day. Even before I was ready to do that, I decided that I would pause what I was doing and give my husband a smile. Pretty soon the smile progressed into a kiss.

It became a wonderful embrace that has become the most treasured part of my day. This habit of intimacy is a comfort for both of us. It reminds us of how much better our marriage is now than it was for many years.

What are your habits of intimacy?

A habit of intimacy not only reminds us of a connection we already have, it helps strengthen that connection and builds intimacy between us.

If you feel disconnected from your husband, I’d like to encourage you to begin some habits of intimacy. If there is something silly you enjoyed together early in your relationship, start doing it again. Look for one small way to enjoy the spouse—and the marriage—of your youth. Or, look for new habits that reflect healing or growth in your relationship.

If you used to swing on the swings at the park when you were dating, make a point of getting on the swings when you go to the park.
When you come to a fork in the road, kiss.
If you saw a significant sign of marriage restoration during fall last year, have a pumpkin spice latte together at least once every year to acknowledge the season.
When you hear music by a band you saw together when you started having date nights, do a couple dance moves together.
Get up early to watch the sunrise together once a month.
Rub noses while you go Christmas tree shopping every year.
Wear matching t-shirts on a Saturday when you’re running errands.

If you’ve fallen out of a habit of intimacy or if you never had an intimate habit, don’t wait to work on it, make it a goal to start this weekend.

What are some habits of intimacy in your marriage?

Image credit | 3dman_eu at pixabay.com