It can be frustrating to read articles and blog posts about sex sometimes.
Well-meaning writers give you all sorts of great suggestions for how to improve your sex life. The suggestions all sound good except for one important thing.
If you’re a woman who hardly ever wants sex, reading an article about improving your sex life is like reading about how to milk a cow when you’ve never even stepped foot on a farm.
It’s all nice in theory, but it just doesn’t seem to apply.
I often felt the doesn’t-apply-to-me frustration when I would read an article about how to initiate sex.
Sex was rarely on my mind unless we were in the middle of actually having sex. I didn’t experience desire until I began to experience arousal. If I wasn’t in the mood for sex, why would it occur to me to initiate?
As I began to grow in the area of sexual intimacy, I came to understand several things:
- Even when I wasn’t in the mood for sex, it was always a good thing for me. Whether or not I had an orgasm, the time I spent in my husband’s arms, with his attention only on me, refreshed my heart and my body.
- Sex was good for our marriage. The physical experience of sex helps bind Big Guy and me emotionally as well. When we feel connected to each other, it is easier to face life as a team rather than as enemies.
- My husband had an emotional need for me to sexually desire him. Me initiating expressed this in the most powerful way possible.
- When I initiated, I was more likely to feel engaged. This was good for both of us.
With these things in mind, I realized that it was important for me to learn to initiate—even when I didn’t want sex yet.
But how? I wondered. How do I initiate sex when I hardly ever want it?
Three things helped me make the leap from sex-off-the-radar to come-on-baby-I-want-you-now.
If I waited until I wanted sex to initiate, sex wasn’t going to happen very often. So don’t wait until you want to have sex. Just decide to initiate anyway. In fact, you can even give yourself phone reminders to do this. At first, it might feel a little fake—but that’s where the other things on this list can help.
If you plan to initiate on a Friday night, then make a point on Thursday and Friday to think about sex. (Schedule reminders for yourself if it will help.) Let yourself think back about times when you’ve enjoyed sex with your husband. Imagine him doing lovely things to your body. Think about something sexual you would like him to do to you or that you would like to do to him. Imagine yourself saying the words to communicate this to your husband. Picture the look in his eyes when you show up in lingerie, his dress shirt, or your birthday suit. Wear special jewelry, perfume, or underwear that you associate with sex or that help you feel sexy. Thinking sexually might help you desire sex. Even if it doesn’t, it is likely to ease your transition into sex later on.
Tap into your feelings of love for your husband. Dwell on moments of cuddling in the afterglow. Think about how wonderful it is to feel emotionally close to him. Consider how lovely it is to be held by your husband and to have his attention focused on you. Imagine yourself telling your husband “I want you” or “I need you.” Feel the emotions behind those words. Think in terms of emotional arousal.
Come, my beloved . . .
Too often we sit around and wait for sexual desire to suddenly emerge in our bodies. While that may happen sometimes, if we wait for desire before we initiate, it might never happen.
Make it happen anyway—and you may find that articles and posts about improving your sex life don’t sound just theoretical anymore.
Come, my beloved, let us go to the countryside,
let us spend the night in the villages.
Let us go early to the vineyards
to see if the vines have budded,
if their blossoms have opened,
and if the pomegranates are in bloom—
there I will give you my love.
The mandrakes send out their fragrance,
and at our door is every delicacy, both new and old,
that I have stored up for you, my beloved.
~Song of Songs 7:11-13
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