I kept seeing articles touting the benefits of sex for women: physical health, higher libido, better bladder control, pain relief, less stress and anxiety, and better sleep.
The benefits were always the same, and so were my responses:
That’s just somebody trying to guilt me into sex again.
If sex were really for me, too, why don’t I want to have it more often?
Other women seem to be fine with sex. What’s wrong with me?
The Way We Were
I knew that those benefits were legitimate. I’d even experienced some of them myself.
I still didn’t believe that sex was as much for me as much as it was for my husband. After all, he was the one who was always asking for sex.
I’d also been conditioned by movies, romance novels, and even sex research to believe that my sexuality should function like my husband’s did: I should be easily aroused by the thought of sex or the sight of my husband, orgasm should be easy, I should find it easy to focus on sex when I had other things on my mind, and even if I felt emotionally hurt or neglected by my husband I should want to have sex.
I felt angry and broken. I was convinced that something was fundamentally wrong with either me or with our relationship. We had so much tension in our relationship, and sex was a major problem—not positive at all. Although I didn’t think I was wrong to avoid sex, I still felt a little guilty about it. I felt guilty a lot.
Sex was a wedge between us, and we were growing farther apart.
No matter what anyone else said, my experience was that sex was for my husband—whether or not I experienced any of those benefits.
Sex Was Still for My Husband
I began to work on sex only because I knew sex mattered to my husband.
The only way I thought I would benefit was that sex would make Big Guy less depressed. He was in a stretch of unemployment during the recession, and the only thing I could think of to make him less depressed—and therefore make my life easier—was sex.
When I made the decision to work on sex, the effort was selfishly for me to have an easier life—but the sex was for him.
It wasn’t long before God opened my eyes and turned my heart toward my husband. I was filled with compassion for the hurt I’d caused him.
When I began to make changes, it was totally about trying to make up to my husband for how much I realized he’d been hurt by my refusal.
Sex was completely for my husband, but something was different now: My heart had become giving rather than selfish.
The Indirect Benefits of Sex
After several months of intentional efforts to say yes more and to be more engaged when we were having sex, I noticed that my husband and I were laughing together more.
Until we started laughing again, I’d barely realized that we’d stopped.
I couldn’t figure out what had changed—other than sex.
Although I was pretty sure that I wasn’t directly benefitting from the sex, the increased frequency of sex helped my husband’s mood. He wasn’t as depressed. He wasn’t as angry.
Much of the tension in our marriage had begun to evaporate. Our marriage felt easier and lighter.
I still rolled my eyes a little at articles claiming that sex was for me and not just for my husband, but I admitted that I was benefitting in two ways: 1) I wasn’t feeling guilty all the time, and 2) Daily life was less tense because we weren’t bickering as much as we used to.
Lo and Behold!
More sex meant that I was spending more time in Big Guy’s arms. He was more attentive to me. He felt more connected to me. For so long, sex had felt one-sided and not very loving to me. But now I began to enjoy that time together, too.
With much of the tension gone in our marriage, I felt more positive about sex. I began to seek understanding of God’s design for sex in marriage.
Like many women, the more I have sex, the more I want it. It turns out all those articles were right when they said that having more sex boosts your libido.
One day I realized I was driving home. I was happy—because I was thinking about sex! I was reflecting on a recent experience and was thinking ahead to that night.
I was experiencing desire for my husband.
Whoa.
I still thought of sex as something I did for Big Guy, but I had turned a corner. I now enjoyed the fact that we had a sex life.
Then This Happened
I was driving to work one beautiful autumn morning, thinking about the fact that I felt happy in my marriage for the first time. We weren’t fighting any more. My husband felt more loved. I was feeling relaxed and comfortable in our marriage.
The increased sexual connection was reducing stress and tension in my life. I was sleeping better. I was actually enjoying sex.
When I realized that sex had become something that truly was for me, too, I was so shocked that I had to pull off the road for a few minutes to process the realization.
Sometimes I am still shocked. I think about all the tension we once had, the arguments about sex, the distaste I had for our bed, and the fact that I had resisted and avoided sex for years.
Now sex is completely mutual in our marriage. It connects us. It restores and renews us.
Where sex was once a wedge, it now builds intimacy and oneness.
What Changed My Mind
I didn’t decide to change my mind. I didn’t think, I’m going to start believing that sex is for me, too.
It was a process. I figured that as long as things seemed better than they were several months ago or the year before, I was making progress and should continue my efforts.
My sudden realization one autumn morning was shocking to me. I hadn’t realized that my mind was changing until it had already happened.
What changed my mind was seeing it happen in my own life.
You Go, Girl!
Are you working to address sex because you know it is important to your husband? Do you struggle with the idea that sex is for you, too?
I want to encourage you in your efforts. If you have seen even a small improvement in your marriage, you are making progress. Even slow progress is progress. Yay, you!
In time, you may discover that sex truly is for you, too.
Want Help?
Meanwhile, if you’d like some help to understand why sex is for you or you want to turbo-charge the process a bit, check out these resources:
- Forgiven Wife First Steps Facebook Group (see this post for information)
- Forgiven Wife Passion Pursuit Study
- Boost Your Libido e-course, Sheila Gregoire*
- Unlock Your Libido: 52-Week Sex Drive Transformation, Bonny Burns*
- Dear Wife, You Deserve a Great Sex Life Too, Gaye Christmus at Calm.Healthy.Sexy.
- Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, J Parker*
*Affiliate links
Image credit | Christianpics.co
I've moved! While you can peruse the archives here, I am no longer posting at The Forgiven Wife.
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Ladies, if you're interested in joining me for a study of Juli Slattery's new book God, Sex, and Your Marriage, time is running out! Our study begins with introductions on February 26, 2023, but the study will be open to join until March 5.
This!! I feel like I’m on track for this swap one day—to be honest, I’m still resenting and struggling, but know that the lie will eventually dissolve, even if little by little.
Thank you for sharing your process, even if just for my sake!
You’re quite welcome. My prayer with each post is that one woman will be helped. I guess that one woman is you!
This is helpful a lot of what I read is about my own experiences. Two things that keep me down concerning sex is my negative thoughts and the vaginal pain due to a hysterectomy. I just wanna overcome those two things with God’s help
II’m so glad you’ve found this helpful. have a lot of posts about dealing with negative thoughts–because that was one of my own major hurdles. I do have some other posts you may want to take a look at. I have a three-part series about sex after a hysterectomy. Here is the first one, with links to the rest of the series at the bottom. Then I have a post about dealing with vulvovaginal atrophy, which can be a reason for vaginal pain. The best place to start is with a gynecologist who specializes in menopause or in female pain. Making sex physically comfortable can make it so much easier to work on the other things.