When we gaze at a lake on a sunny day or at a lazy slow river, it’s easy to forget the overwhelming power that exists in water.
During the Great Flood of 1993, we lived in the St. Louis area. We often went out exploring the area on weekends. We watched for weeks as the water rose, creeping higher and deeper into communities along the Mississippi River.
The flood waters slowly soaked the ground completely, to the point that it could absorb no more. People who lived in flood zones carried special belongings to upper floors in their homes to keep them dry. They filled sandbags and arranged them in an attempt to keep the water away.
The water continued to rise, flooding homes and businesses as the river banks could no longer hold the volume of water.
On a Sunday morning well into the summer, I watched with horror and fascination as a levee wall was breached. The water rushed with a magnificent force, flooding fields in a matter of minutes. The force of the water was so strong that it lifted a house off its foundation and carried it away, along with farm buildings and so much more.
It wasn’t one particular gallon of water that broke through. It was the thousands and thousands and thousands of gallons all together.
The volume of water was what gave the water such force.
~~~
Time and time again, Big Guy had spoken about the pain he experienced in our sex life—yet the words just wouldn’t sink in.
I rejected the words as soon as I heard them, shoring up my own walls of pain to keep his pain away from me.
At some point around 2009 or 2010, my heart began to soften toward my husband. Healing waters began to wash around the edges of my own hurt, and I began to hear some of his words.
Slowly, they began to seep in. I began to catch small glimpses of his hurt.
Eventually, his words and hurt could no longer just soak in and be ignored. I began to feel threatened. I tried to shore up my walls. I withdrew from him even more to keep myself safe and dry from the tears his words might trigger in me.
Slowly, I began to read about sexual intimacy in Christian marriages. I looked at blogs and forums. I began to see my husband’s words in the comments from other men. Husband after husband expressed the same pain—emotional pain, not physical frustration—that my husband had been expressing for years.
The words made me feel uncomfortable, and I dismissed them. I was confident that my own hurt was bigger and harder and more important than my husband’s. But the same words, written by so many men, would no longer be contained. I was inundated by their pain.
And on a late summer Sunday morning, I sat and read page after page after page of these comments, all in one sitting. My walls were breached.
It wasn’t one phrase or one story of hurt that broke through.
It was the volume of hurt, one voice after another after another, that gave the words such force that they crashed right through my own pain, lifted me off my foundation, and knocked me to my knees in prayer and conviction.
~~~
The flooding of my heart with the pain of so many husbands—especially my husband’s—was painful for me. Yet . . . it was at that moment that my own healing began.
Because the volume of husbandly hurt was such a powerful experience for me, knocking me off my foundation and forcing me to rebuild, I created a page on my blog where other wives can experience that same force—Your Husband’s Hurt.
Your Husband’s Hurt has recently been getting some comments from women who seem to feel as uncomfortable as I did and from men who have been flooded and overwhelmed by their own pain.
I want the men’s voices to speak for themselves on that page, without challenge. I don’t want to dilute the power of the volume of hurt on that page. Hurting wives have many places on my blog to share their pain and frustration. On that page, I want just the men’s voices so we can all experience that power.
While I don’t want that page to be a place where the pain is discussed and shared, I do think it is helpful for women to be able to express their discomfort with what they have read. I think it is helpful to those same women for men to be able to respond—so I invite you to do so on this post.
When you read the men’s words shared on Your Husband’s Hurt or in other places where men have shared their pain about the lack of sexual intimacy, what do you think?
Are you overwhelmed by what you see? Are you uncomfortable? Do their words have an impact, or are you struggling too much with your own hurt right now? Can you acknowledge your husband’s hurt, or does it feel too threatening to do that?
If you found yourself having a reaction as you read that page, you may comment on that here. (I will be moving some comments from that page onto this post.)
Image credit | Daniel_Nebreda at pixabay.com
I've moved! While you can peruse the archives here, I am no longer posting at The Forgiven Wife.
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Ladies, if you're interested in joining me for a study of Juli Slattery's new book God, Sex, and Your Marriage, time is running out! Our study begins with introductions on February 26, 2023, but the study will be open to join until March 5.
Thank you for posting this. It reminds me to make sure that my husband is wanted, needed, loved, and that he’s sexually important to me. Thank you for posts like this, that remind wives what is at stake!
Heart breakingly sad 🙁 Why do they stay? You only have one life why spend it being miserable?
I can only speak for me, but I stay because I still love her, because Christ pursued me even through my sin, because God didn’t say “it’s okay to leave the marriage if the going gets really difficult”, and because I have read about Christ changing hearts and doing miracles in others that were going through this.
Wow, heartbreaking is right ): I had no idea. As husbands and wives we need to make each other understand what’s going on inside ourselves. We need to have the courage to be honest with each other and say these things. This is a devastating situation. ):
I am sorry. I don’t buy it. Women were made to respond to the sexual advances of our husbands WHEN WE FEEL SAFE, AND LOVED. I am not saying in a rare case a woman just refuses just because she can. I am saying that most of the time it is because she is either being abused in some way or not loved properly. I don’t know of one woman who would refuse sex if she felt respected and deeply cared for and loved. Period.
I absolutely agree that the vast majority of wives who refuse do so because of their own emotional hurt. Sometimes that comes from something within the relationship, and sometimes it grows out of baggage we brought into the marriage. Mostly, I suppose it’s a combination.
That in no way negates the fact that husbands, too, feel pain. In most of these marriages, both spouses are hurting. I would add, too, that a husband may be doing everything he can to show respect, care, and love for his wife–but he cannot control whether she feels it. (The reverse is also true.)
I would like to suggest that you read my recent series on emotional walls: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4. The series is about feeling emotionally safe. The walls we often built to keep ourselves feeling safe can come to imprison us.
The pain these men have shared is deep and real. It is the most difficult and hurtful thing in their lives. They have a right to these feelings, even when their wives, too, hurt.
Allie,
When you read those stories above, did you really see any husbands who are dangerous, unsafe, unloving, or demanding? I’m not trying to be a smart alec, I’m just asking if you could look at them again and consider, “what if they are telling the truth?” Would you see a different person in each story?
When there are two people at odds, the conflict can be caused three different ways: One person caused it; the other person caused it; they both caused it. The reconciliation only happens one way: both people want it and make it happen. Be careful about punctuating a situation with a “period”.
The cause is very important to understand, but the importance is all about how reconciliation can be worked out. The stories above are so painful for the men largely because there is no willingness to reconcile on the part of the wife. Forgiveness, good will, trust, love… the husband thinks that those things will bring his wife to a desire to reconcile. If she won’t, or just goes through the motions, he knows he has been discarded and has no way back. Can you imagine the shoe on the other foot?
When a husband is neglected or restricted emotionally/sexually it isn’t like just not getting his favorite dessert. He feels it like being in the desert, dehydrated while he can see a full canteen of cool water in his wife’s hands. He is being actively burned by the sun, and is in danger… he just wants to know why he is so worthless in her eyes that she doesn’t even believe he is hurting. He may even wonder if she doesn’t really /want/ him to hurt. She seems to see it as doing nothing to him, expecting there will be no adverse effects to him. In the meantime, he is being seriously hurt, and his ignored requests add to the injury.
It isn’t as if wives don’t sin as much as husbands. All people can be vindictive or callous in equal measure regardless of being male or female. All people can make their love conditioned on performance that can’t be measured or verified. How would any person know how safe another person feels? We have to allow each other to try, fail, and recover from failure.
A husband definitely wants sex and marriage to be safe for himself, too. Wives are not unique in wanting safety. The men in those stories definitely do not feel safe. However, I don’t think marriage or sex is ever really completely a safe place to be because of how vulnerable you have to be by definition. If it were completely safe, it wouldn’t teach or grow intimacy (which is the goal, after all). The safety in intimacy is knowing that in failing, there won’t be rejection; instead there will be a willful commitment to forgive (or admit fault, or both) and pursue passion until you both die.
You may still be convinced that these men are mostly just not making their wives feel safe, or loving them properly. I have to say… these men are all hurting, and almost all of them are still desiring and pursuing their wives in spite of the pain and danger. I think that is admirable, proper love and commitment. I think it is courage, despite feeling very unsafe. Would you possibly consider changing your basic opinion of these men?
Allie- I and my wife frequently talk about the “chicken and egg” aspect of intimacy – which comes first: romance and intimacy or sexual connection.
My wife commonly refuses sex even though I may have spent all day doing chores around the house to make her life easier, shown her attention, affection and love, physically and verbally. All (truly now, after 22 yrs of marriage) without expectation of anything in return. When I later go for, perhaps, a kiss or suggest sex or even an embrace, I frequently get in return a cold wall. “No.” Or “How about next weekend?” Or a turned cheek that I can give a peck to.
What does that message teach me? That her love for me is conditional. What does that message show me? That despite what I do, she doesn’t care that my needs are met and I may just have to work harder.
I once posed this thought to her: what if she needed me to embrace her, speak tenderly to her or tell her “I love you?” Would I respond, “No” or “How about next week?” What’s the difference with sex — which is THE primary means by which we husbands feel loved, cherished and respected?
I submit that intimacy and love, sexual or not, are not dependent (or to be dependent) upon whether the one showing it is getting what s/he needs first. Obviously there are exceptions when a marriage involves abuse, addictions or adultery (and possibly other scenarios as well). But I can never fathom telling me wife, “Honey, let me give you a hug next Weds, okay?” or “I don’t want to kiss you right now- how about this weekend?”
I think the thought pattern of “I need to feel the love before I can/will show you love through sex or intimacy,” is harmful. It is to me–someone who actually tries to show affection and attention and receives little in return.
Note: I don’t intend this post to pronounce judgment on what you’ve said, but felt compelled to respond with my experiences on this subject– because this is a common thought pattern in marriage.
I agree. Most women enter marriage thinking of sex and their whole lives, their whole being as a GIFT to give and to share with their beloved. After the wedding, men seem to think, “Mission Accomplished…I won her..now back to normal thinking about myself.” Dozens of gentle overtures daily by wife are ignored, scoffed at, ridiculed, and met with suggestions that the wife should “get back to work,” “do something useful,” “grow up.” All the tender invitations, the desire to share words, moments, household tasks, to build a life jointly get rebuffed. The wife finally begins to pull back to stop being hurt daily, to stop having her self-worth shaken to the core daily, and realizes her husband really is not interested in building a life together. He wants his life…with her as an Add-On…that he’ll notice when he has time or interest. ..and he’ll be surprised that his wife does not want to spend time with him, much less have sex with him.
For a woman, sex is a language that expresses the ongoing love she has for her husband; it’s a communication. For a man, sex is an act that helps him feel close to a woman. If a woman feels there is no love to communicate–either giving or receiving–there’s not much point to sex.
Very, very few husbands ever read or learn about a woman’s psychology before they marry; very few ever read about how to be better husbands or fathers….they just seem to think they can be the way they were as single men and not make an effort to understand their wives.
It is devastating to a woman to come to understand that the man she has entrusted her life to is only interested in her when he wants sex..He doesn’t like her great thoughts or dreams, interrupts her, can only speak words of criticism–taking the good for granted and as due him–and never wondering what it’s like for a woman to only live with criticism. Her self-worth plummets, she grows fearful of encounters with him and yet knows she is tied to him for life, and just wants to avoid his anger and critical spirit that lurks behind every interaction.
I wish more husbands understood how much tender care can help us feel cherished and safe enough to be sexually vulnerable with them.
What do I think when I hear men describe their pain? I think someone should have talked to us about this during premarital counseling. I think we should have had regular counseling as part of a healthy marriage plan (not as a response to crisis). I had been married more than 30 years before I understood this about my husband. And all the while, he thought I was deliberately trying to hurt him. That’s a lot of damage that could have been minimized via professional guidance.
I wish I had understood how sex is the pathway for emotional connection for so many men. It’s hard to recover from a few decades of negative and hurtful patterns of interaction, isn’t it?
We talk instead of listen, we assume instead of inquire and we judge where there should be compassion. Above all of this lies the belief that if our partners really loved us “they would just know/get it” (as in mind reading!). When any of these things happen, then resentment will be the outcome eventually. We can all forgive a loved one’s ignorance that hurts us the first hundred times. However, after a time we all ask ourselves why? Why do they do that when they know it hurts us? Sadly by the time people get to the stage of talking about it, walls have already been established and lines of defence enacted. Talking is pretty hard at that point and open and honest discussion (without ‘point scoring’) becomes difficult. Couple this with the emotional baggage that we all bring into our marriages and it doesn’t make the way forward very easy.
When marriages hit this point there is really only one solution to the deadlock unless professional help is sought. As Chris did in her marriage, one person has to put aside their pain, their hurt, their resentment and work on the marriage. It’s a risky business as the other partner may just take full advantage and offer nothing in return. Obviously they may respond to the positives and the safety it provides which results in their own changes, but there is no guarantee!
I love the way Chris has written about all of this in a very personal and meaningful way. Chris took a big chance with her emotional safety and yet the reward for both of them has been (and continues to be) huge.
Sadly this isn’t always the case for some people. People have to be ready to take ownership of what they do, think, feel at a very core level. Not everyone is in a place to do that. I wonder if ‘Big Guy’ had been able to be everything you felt you needed Chris, would you have run out of resentment or not? I ask that only as a musing, I certainly don’t intend any accusation there.
I have just realised that was about my stuff creeping in as that particular approach hasn’t worked very well for me, sorry.
As you have stated in many, many places on your lovely blog Chris. The devastation that a lack of both sexual and the resulting emotional intimacy has on a relationship is destructive. It is destructive to the bonds of the relationship but also the core of the human being. It can shred a person’s self-worth, belief in good in the world and destroy their dreams and aspirations. The real sick irony of this is that we only allow it to happen to us because we love the other. So we stay, in pain and continue what I call the ‘hope, despair cycle’. In the cycle we hit our lowest levels of despair and yet we keep a little hope, we need that hope to continue to believe. We may then see a glimmer of connection with our partners and we hold on never wanting to let go. We may even have sex and feel that bond that we have yearned for and so we want more and more like a starving person. However, it is all soon taken away and so we sink slowly back down in the despair that we know so well, but a little deeper each time. We are always alert, always looking for the next glimmer of hope and so it continues. I cannot state if it is worse for a man than a woman that experiences this, I only have my own pain as a marker. I do however fully agree with everything you have written about my needs as a husband without ever knowing me.
God bless you Chris.
M
I’ve thought about that myself. I think it would have happened, although it would have taken a while. Part of what triggered my initial efforts to work on sex was my husband’s depression, which manifested in part through a lack of interest in anything, including sex. For several months, he had stopped all sexual innuendos and had slowed way down on his initiation. With that constant sexual tension (and what I perceived to be sexual pressure), I was able to catch my breath and start to see my husband as another person and not as my enemy. His unintentional changes in behavior created some breathing room for me to get a new perspective. It took a while (months? a year? I don’t recall), but the bulk of my resentment had faded away and made it possible for me to see more clearly.
It took two years of my persistent and consistent effort before my husband seemed to relax. It was another two years before I saw any effort on his part to change. If he had been the one to make some long-term changes intentionally, I think it could have taken me several years before I came to trust him enough to make an effort of my own.
I think resentment is a secondary emotion that obscures something more primal. It’s when you dig down into and work through that deeper emotion that the resentment can begin to fade away. i suspect that much of the time, we are trying to meet a spouse’s needs but don’t know what the true needs are.
I know this was posted months ago, but I just had to comment although no one will probably see this. These men’s stories absolutely broke my heart. As a woman I cannot imagine doing that to my husband, but I know some women do and their husbands suffer. Chris, you are an inspiration to many women and I pray that women who reject their husbands will come to see the truth like you have. To all the men who suffer this horrid fate, please know my thoughts are with you and I am praying for your heart to be healed and your relationship with your wife to be restored. Please stay strong. If God can move mountains, God can move hearts and it is never too late for repentance. He can work miracles.
Thanks for taking time to comment. Some marriages carry so much hurt, and all these hurting spouses can use our prayers.
From a reader, submitted on another page . . .
I am a woman and I would like to offer help. Reading these statements I feel so terrible for you men, and it’s a shame that so much pain has come about through misunderstandings.
Men, do not be angry with your wives. If your wife is shallow and simply using you for financial support then she has already broken her vow and committed infidelity, and divorce may be the only option to release both of you. But if you can save it, if you do still love your wife and want a true relationship with her, then do your best. I know that is hard to hear after years of trying but simply resigning to a sex less emotionless marriage isnt right. There are alot of things women don’t understand about men’s need for sex, my husband and I are in the midst of figuring it our ourselves, after 7 years of gatekeeping. I hope this can help sone of you:
First off, realize your wife is not a cold heartless warden looking to control you (except in some extreme cases) the very feelings you all have I’m a sex less marriage are the feelings she has because of sex, making sex the most confusing and difficult thing couples face. I’ll lead by example of my own story. Before sex, there was courting, fun, dates, talking and communication. Then sex is introduced. Where men feel more connection through sex, women feel through talking but we ALSO feel the same connection through sex. However, society and, sadly, religious faith have created a stigma around sex that is extremely pressuring for both sides. Women are told from a very young age to be pure. When sex is introduced, even in marriage, the feeling of purity disappears. Society has taught us that being adventurous in bed or “wanting” sex is impure, dirty, and unladylike. We are (excuse the language) “whores” if we crave sex the way men do. Men are expected to be sexual and women are expected to be pure. How can we remain pure and love having sex at the same time? We are taught that we must fulfill our husbands needs and satisfy them as per our contract in marriage, but if we enjoy it we are immoral and filthy. This creates so much shame and confusion for women. Secondly, where dates and romance and talks once stood, sex has replaced. As time goes by life becomes busy, men feel pressured to work and provide and take less time to talk (REALLY ask their wives about their feelings while also sharing their own, although this is not always the case) and replace it with sex. As men are allowed to feel emotional connection in this way women are not, and it therefore creates the feeling of “all I’m good for is sex” which creates feelings of shame and guilt. Women start to feel repressed and disgusted with themselves “why do we always just have sex now instead of going on dates and communicating our feelings?” which in turn reflects onto their partner, and eventually they get so tired of blaming themselves and feeling like only their body has worth that they eventually shut off and resent their partner. This is not the case with all women but many and it becomes a burden.
It’s not that your wives don’t love you or see you as a sex craved fiend, but that they feel they are not allowed to enjoy sexual pleasure, and therefore retreat inward and start placing blame. It is neither yours nor your wifes fault, but the stigma that society has created. Keep in mind that society places just as much pressure on women in other fields. The modern women is expected to work, provide and care for children, take care of the house, take care of their husband, while remaining beautiful, desirable, happy, and respectable/reputable, often at the expense of her own values and needs. Women have the same pressures as men, simply in different areas. All of this combined makes a toxic mix of resentment and feeling inadequate.
Often times women start feeling that sex is the only thing that matters to their partner. Not that she worked all day, cooked, cleaned, got the groceries, etc. Even if you thank her she may feel you simply are buttering her up to have sex. This is in no way yours OR her fault, but the fault of the stigma society has created around sex. Believe me when I stigma at that most women do not realize sex has such a deep emotional connection for men, because we are taught that sex is physical and are often used and abused for it and pressured into it from a very early age, again not the fault of any individual but society as a whole. The best thing you can do for your wife is tell her what a deep emotional connection sex has for you and why. GO IN DEPTH because it’s a difficult thing for us to understand and it will take alot of time and communication to break through to us. But know that it is not that your wife doesn’t value you in sex, it is that she doesn’t value herself. And sadly that is one of the most difficult things to heal from. There is so much more to women’s (and men’s) feelings involving sex but I can’t post all of it here. Do research, press the subject, even if she gets mad at you be patient and keep trying and you will eventually get through to her. It’s important that while you are trying to sort through this NOT to push sex. She will already feel insecure and vulnerable and adding sex on top of it will make her shut down. Take a step back physically while talking about these issues and give her time, likely she will come around and even initiate herself. The most important thing is for her to feel safe and to know that there is NOTHING wrong with her feeling sexual desire. God put sexual desire in women just as much as men. It is natural and wholesome. Humans have the unfortunate habit of making anything that feels “good” into “bad” because we believe that we don’t deserve it or are “bad” for feeling that way. But something is only bad if you’re doing with bad intention.
Best of luck to you all, I pray you’ll all reach understanding and win back your ladies hearts! God Bless.
Okay, I’m not going to give my marriage history account here…just know we’re all in this boat together.
There are both sides to every story, and both have to be willing to put in the work or somebody is doing all the work and that is going to fail. Men want more sex and women want more sleep. In my own marriage we each wanted things from the other that we weren’t getting. He wanted sex more than once a week and I wanted a husband who would spend more time with his family than his friends. Needless to say we are separated, and I’m sure this topic played a small part.
I have some theories on this so hear me out. Once married our bodies belong to our spouse and no longer our own, we can agree on that I hope. The problem is a lot of women are not secure in their skin. Our bodies are constantly scrutinized by not only ourselves but the world. You may think she is beautiful and tell her so, but in her mind you’re seeing her without her clothes on, and you’re going to see every lump and bump. That’s a vulnerability that goes way past how men feel about being naked. And I don’t really have an answer for this, except to appreciate her body and tell her you love it no matter what.
I’m just going to be blunt here, I think most women aren’t enjoying sex because they’re not climaxing. I believe I read a study where about 85% of women can’t climax by traditional sex or “plain vanilla” as I’ve seen it referred to in this post. There’s a whole lot I’d like to share here, but I don’t think I can without going beyond PG-13. I had to do some research to find out for myself because I was one of these women, and I was 40 years old before I figured it out and had been married for 16 years.
I’m in no way blaming anybody for my lack of knowledge on this topic. It’s not something people talk about, but it’s oh so important for a woman to climax if she’s going to enjoy sex. I actually thought something was wrong with me, and your wives may be struggling with the same issue. It equates to how men feel about ED. We want to experience the same euphoria you do, but most of us don’t because we’re not climaxing. Talk about plain vanilla.
I am just a wife and mother who got curious enough to figure it out. I hope this helps some couples who may have this same issue. Don’t give up! And once she experiences everything her body can do, she’l enjoy sex more!
Climax isn’t the only aspect of a woman’s enjoyment of sex, but it certainly can make a positive difference! It’s so important for us to know what feels good for ourselves.
Thank you for your blog and all you do. I am a higher-desire wife who’s struggling with everything I’ve got to go on living everyday, with the lack of sex that fills my thoughts all the time. I feel relieved and empathized with, reading the thoughts of the husbands who aren’t getting sex, because those are exactly my thoughts. Yet at the same time I also feel terribly alone because I’m a wife and I’m in the minority it seems. Most of my girl friends seem to have a thriving sex life, and everything I encounter in the media makes it seem that men are always wanting sex, all men except mine. It is a huge surprise to me as well, because we waited till we got married to have sex, and then after that it was usually me wanting it with him barely compliant. I thought sex would be something that he would enjoy and that it would relieve him or be a refuge from the stresses of the world out there, but it feels more like he’s resigned to having to entertain a horny wife rather than truly enjoying sex with me.
I’ve tried everything I know how to try, from modifying myself and my behaviors, to questioning my own attractiveness, to the whole mind game of whether I should initiate or play hard to get. I don’t think I’m an unattractive person. But there’s nothing that has worked, and I don’t know what else I can do. I wonder when or if there would ever be a breakthrough, and whether I am doomed to have this situation continue for the rest of our known lives. My husband is a great guy and we have a wonderful marriage in almost all other aspects, 90% of the time. It’s just this one thing which has been a constant source of pain and angst to me, and I can’t imagine how I can get through every day if this continues. I don’t want to cheat on him because I do love him, and I will not break my vows to my God, but each day it is physical torture hour by hour. There are days where I feel like suicide would probably be easier on me, or maybe just drugging myself to sleep all day and all night, so that I don’t have to face the reality of the situation.
Thank you for adding your voice to this conversation. Hearing from women who experienced emotional suffering due to the lack of sex was the thing that tipped the scales for me and helped me understand what my husband had been telling me for years. I’m so sorry for your suffering.
I want to encourage you to join the Hot, Holy & Humorous HD group on Facebook. It is specifically for women who have more interest in sex than their husbands do. It can be healing simply to know you aren’t alone in this struggle, that other women experience these same feelings and frustrations. I hope you find comfort there.
Thank you for your quick and kind response. I will definitely check that FB group out. God bless your ministry and your marriage.
Is this page no longer available?
It is still available. You can find it at http://forgivenwife.com/new-to-this-blog-start-here/understanding-your-husbands-hurt/