Today’s guest post comes to you from Julie Sibert at Intimacy in Marriage and is part of the Sexual Healing and Wholeness Series.
By Julie Sibert
I’ve tried countless times to remember making love to my first husband. Sadly, it’s hard for me to recall, because sex in our marriage happened so rarely. And even when it did happen, we didn’t communicate well enough for it to be an enjoyable part of our relationship.
It’s not that I was unaware of our sexual disconnect. I simply had convinced myself that we would figure it all out someday. The elusive someday never arrives on its own, though, and in my case, we reached divorce before we ever reached any kind of sexual healing.
My husband left me, and so much in my life came tumbling down. Despite those shards of anguish, I was able to find some footing. My toddler son and I gained a sense of stability, thanks to my faith and the presence of countless friends and loved ones.
And in my brokenness, I was inspired to look closely at the sexual struggles that added to the distance between me and my husband. A failed marriage clarified for me the false assumptions I had believed – and the reality that they were doing nothing but sabotaging our sexual connection. I didn’t know what I didn’t know, and by the time I figured it out, it was too late to save my marriage.
Somewhere in those moments, I vowed that if I ever got married again, I would never take sexual intimacy for granted. Fortunately, I did meet another man who would become my husband. No surprise that neither of us has ever regretted my determined promise of nurtured sexual intimacy. That kind of intentionality from day one has been one of our best decisions.
I share so openly about healthy sexual intimacy in marriage, because I realize what a difference it can make to the overall health of a marriage.
Whether you are engaged, newly-married or have been married for years, here are three truths hungering for your attention:
Truth #1: Authentic sexual intimacy takes effort.
Who among us hasn’t heard this saying: Anything worth having takes work. Right off the bat, this sounds negative, right? We would much rather everything look as easy as it does in a romantic movie.
But real sex is better than the movie. And it’s worth figuring out how to not only nurture sex in your marriage, but also fiercely protect it. We protect it when we make it a priority, give and receive feedback as to what is arousing, and seek the Lord’s heart regarding sexual intimacy.
The other way you intentionally put effort into having the best sex in your marriage is by dealing with sexual struggles.
Are you struggling with guilt about your promiscuous past?
Were you taught lies about sex, such as it is mere duty or it’s just for the man or it’s for procreation only?
Did you suffer the tragedy of sexual abuse?
Have you struggled with sexual addictions, such as pornography?
Do you have physical pain during sex that you’ve tried to downplay or ignore?
Are you frustrated with rarely or never having an orgasm?
Do you have mismatched sex drives?
These sexual struggles are not insurmountable, but they will not solve themselves on their own. There is hope when we take even baby steps toward learning, healing and discovering passionate sexual connection.
Truth #2: God gives you a lot of freedom as a couple to enjoy sexual pleasure.
Yes, God does have a few boundaries, the most fundamental ones being that a husband and wife keep their sexual intimacy exclusive and that spouses not derive sexual pleasure by hurting the other.
Within those healthy boundaries, though, God wants a husband and wife to thoroughly enjoy sex. God is, after all, the author of sexual pleasure. The mystery and joy of arousal, the intensity of orgasm, the oneness that lingers after such passionate connection – those are all God’s handiwork!
Married Christians should be the most vocal champions of passionate sexual intimacy. We should be the ones who speak unashamedly about the enjoyment and blessing sex brings to our marriage. I’m not talking about sharing details, but rather about being a positive voice for sex in marriage.
Sadly, too many married Christians feed the lie out there in society that married sex is boring and infrequent. Call me a renegade, but I want to be a wife who not only values her own sexual pleasure, but also learns countless ways to sexually please my husband.
Truth #3: There’s no better time than now in your relationship to put a high value on sex.
If you are engaged, obviously God wants you to wait until marriage to have sex. But that doesn’t mean you can’t still put a high value on what you intend for it to be once you are married.
Engaged couples should learn all they can about sex, have authentic dialogue about their uncertainties and expectations, and build a sexual vision for their marriage.
For those people who think this introduces too much sexual temptation to engaged couples, I’m just not buying it. If you are mature enough to decide you want to commit your entire life to another person, you have to be mature enough to talk authentically about sex.
As for those of you who are already married, what is the condition of sexual intimacy in your marriage? Is it mutually valued? Do you both initiate? Do you both enjoy sex? Do you see the positive impact it has on your marriage? If not, what are you going to do about that?
There is no better time than now to put a high value on sex. If you are a married couple that has struggled with little or no sex or unresolved sexual struggles, I encourage you to not lose hope.
The good news is that with heartfelt conviction and intentional effort, you can start to heal and rebuild that sexual connection. There are so many Christian resources available that there is really no excuse for not at least trying. There is no better time than now to put a high value on sex!
This spring my husband and I will have been married 15 years. Our marriage is not perfect by any means, sexually or otherwise. But I will say this – the lessons I learned from my first marriage have been fruitful. Nowhere is that truer for us than sexually.
Through the ups and downs of life, we continue to discover that making love keeps us united, lowers our stress, improves our perspective and reminds us of God’s covenant design of marriage.
I would never have asked for the pain of a divorce long ago. But I wouldn’t trade even one of the lessons I learned because of it. Be sure to check out my post Why God Is So Thrilled When You and Your Husband Make Love.
Image courtesy of hyena reality at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
About the Author
Julie Sibert writes and speaks out of her own story, encouraging couples to nurture authentic sexual intimacy in marriage. She lives in Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband, two sons and a dog named Stella, who is busy destroying the yard. You can follow Julie’s blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com.
I've moved! While you can peruse the archives here, I am no longer posting at The Forgiven Wife.
Please join me at Honeycomb & Spice.
Ladies, if you're interested in joining me for a study of Juli Slattery's new book God, Sex, and Your Marriage, time is running out! Our study begins with introductions on February 26, 2023, but the study will be open to join until March 5.
Re: #1 – Authentic sexual intimacy takes effort
Q1: What constitutes Authentic sexual intimacy?
Q2: Is there such thing as Inauthentic sexual intimacy?
Q3: What kind of effort are you talking about?
Q4: Can one spouse fix the problem all by themselves?
Hi DougK — Thank you for your comment. I believe authentic sexual intimacy is when both a husband and a wife value and enjoy the intimacy, both initiate, and both are willing to pursue intimacy as God designed it for a marriage (mutual, pleasurable, exclusive, etc). So, from that standpoint, inauthentic would be more along the lines of “just going through the motions,” not making intimacy a priority, no willingness to address struggles, lack of exclusivity, etc.
As for effort, I believe that anything good worth having takes effort. Deep abiding relationship, trust, mutuality, commitment, sexual connection, etc. — those are not qualities that magically appear, but rather a husband and wife need to be intentional about them. In some cases (as in my first marriage), neither of us seemed intent on addressing the issues. By the time I realized how severe the problem was, it was too late (in his opinion) at that point. Heartbreaking. I know a lot more now that I didn’t know then.
I don’t think one spouse can fix sexual struggles all by themselves. But I do think one spouse can have tremendous influence — praying for the marriage, being mature, addressing issues and bringing them up, emphasizing how the struggle is affecting them and the relationship, suggesting counseling. No, there are no guarantees (as anyone who has been married knows — we cannot control another person toward healthy change). But we can try to bank the odds in our favor and do all we can within our own ability to bring about healthy change. I also take great comfort in the truth that God sees and knows all, and we each must give account for how we have handled ourselves in a marriage. I’ve known of marriage redeemed and ones that weren’t.
As someone who has blogged about sex in marriage for a long time, I know full well how sex has the potential to be a lightening rod for conflict and a beacon for connection. For some couples, it takes tremendous effort to make sex a vital and enjoyable part of their marriage. Other couples don’t struggle as much. Lots comes into play for sure, such as personality, upbringing, past experiences, communication styles, other areas of struggle, extent of a support system, etc.
Anyway, not sure if this is all you were looking for, but I wanted to respond.