Maintaining the Momentum

Lest you think I’m a sex goddess who swings from the chandeliers with her husband every night, I will confess: we are in a sex slump right now.

My husband has been undergoing some medication changes that have resulted in an increase in irritability. Rather than be able to cope with things normally and thoughtfully, he has become rather grouchy. On top of that, he recently began a new job and is physically and mentally tired at the end of the day.

His temperament and tiredness have made it easier for me to feel emotionally disconnected from him—so this season when he is least interested/able to connect with me physically is the same season when I most need it. I’m still not good at initiating or requesting sexual activity when I think he won’t be interested.

Basically, we have been experiencing a mismatch in sexual desire in recent weeks. He is interested maybe once or twice a week, and I’m interested every day. There have been times I’ve noticed him employing strategies I used to use to push off a request for sex in order to avoid having to say “no”—announcing he is tired before we even head to bed, getting into bed without even looking at me, staying up much later than me, etc. He is so sexually content right now that it’s been easy for him to get relaxed in his efforts to emotionally connect with me, which means that he doesn’t always notice when I’m in need of him. So I need to figure out how to step up and get better at asking—and risk rejection myself.

Of course, this is all muddied by the fact that I know very well what it is like to be in the position of not wanting to say “no” and making a pre-emptive strike, so to speak. There is still a part of me that feels like I have forfeited the right to ever be upset by my husband’s lack of interest in sex.

He and I have both made a lot of changes in our marriage. We have better tools at our disposal, and we use them more effectively. That doesn’t mean that it’s always easy. There are times when simply maintaining the momentum of growth is a lot of work. Fortunately, I know this sex slump is for a season, unlike the seemingly-eternal slump that resulted from my refusing and gate-keeping. And this time, we are tackling it together, as a team. That makes a world of difference.

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