A couple years ago, my father-in-law had a garage built behind his house. The builders lay down a simple gravel driveway from the garage leading to the gravel alleyway behind the house. Since the garage was built, the driveway has been untended.
A little bit at a time, I go out back and pull a few weeds. It’s good therapy for me as I try to navigate this new season of my life. Whether or not it makes a difference to anyone else, pulling the weeds has been very good for me and my sense of belonging, accomplishment, and wholeness.
Pulling Weeds
The driveway is covered by all sorts of weeds:
- Weeds that take up more space than they should. They look quite large, yet I find that grabbing at just the right spot clears up way more than I expected.
- Tangled-up weeds. I pull at one weed, thinking it will be a pretty simple and straightforward matter—only it turns out that as I pull that weed, it pulls on the leaves and stems of a bunch of other weeds that I have to deal with in order to clear away the first one I pulled at.
- Deep and shallow. Some weeds have a long root. Others are barely attached to the ground.
- Stubborn weeds. No matter how hard I pull or what tools I use, I manage to pull only the surface leaves away.
- Sparse weeds. There have been a few places in the driveway where there are just one or two weeds growing. Pulling these weeds gives me big impact for little effort.
- Thick weeds. Where the weeds grow heavy, I can’t even be sure that there is any gravel below them. It’s hard to know where to start.
Mostly I pull the weeds with the hands God gave me. Sometimes I use a trowel because I haven’t found my dandelion digger yet.
When I go out after a rain, the weeds are easier to pull out. Sometimes I’m distracted by tiny bugs that bite me.
Once or twice on most days, I go spend a few minutes on the weeds. When my legs or back get sore, I move somewhere else.
No Progress?
Since I do only a bit at a time, I don’t expect the driveway to be cleared up by now—but it is frustrating to survey what I’ve done and see so much work that is still ahead of me.
In some places, my effort is visible—a small strip near the garage, a large spot in the middle where there hadn’t been much growing in the first place, and many small spots here and there.
It would be easy to give up. There are way too many weeds for me to ever finish this task. It doesn’t look like I’m making a dent at all. Besides, does it really make a difference if there are weeds in a gravel driveway that only about five people ever see?
But then I look away from the driveway full of weeds and focus on the pile to the left of the garage door. This is where I’ve been putting the weeds I’ve pulled. It is small, but this pile of pulled weeds is evidence of my work so far.
Sure, there are lots and lots of weeds still growing—but not the weeds in this pile! They’ve been dealt with. Now that they’re cleared out of the way, I can work on other weeds.
No progress? No way! It’s slow progress.
And slow progress is still progress.
Pulling the Weeds from Your Sex Life
Working on sex has been a bit like weeding this driveway.
My various issues with sex (baggage, a misunderstanding of God’s design for sex, self-centeredness, past trauma, etc.) were the weeds that covered up the sexuality that God designed as part of me.
Left untended, these issues were taking over more than my sex life. They were taking over my marriage, and they were invading other aspects of my life as well.
Some of my issues took up way more space than they should. These issues were so huge that they seemed insurmountable—but addressing them at just the right spot freed me up way more than I expected.
A lot of my sexual issues have been tangled up with each other. I would pull at one issue, thinking it would be simple and straightforward—only for it to turn out that addressing that issue revealed three others that had to be dealt with first.
Some issues have run deep, with roots going deeper than I’ve gotten to the bottom of yet. Others have proven quite shallow, looking bigger on the surface than they proved to be.
And then there are issues that are quite stubborn (or perhaps I’m the one who is stubborn). No matter how hard I work or what tools I use, I barely manage to scratch the surface. These are the issues that continue to resurface, just like a deep weed.
Some aspects of my sexuality and sex life have been barely affected, with hardly any issues that require attention. In other places, the issues grow so heavy that it’s hard to see what’s underneath or know where to start.
I’ve worked a little here and a little there over the years. I’ve found that after an emotionally intense time in my life, my sex issues are easier to work on, like they’ve gotten all loosened up. When I get overwhelmed or mentally or emotionally sore, I shift position and work on something else for a while.
A Pile of Progress
Even now, almost a decade into my journey, I see a whole lot of weeds I haven’t yet dealt with. There have been many times when I could have been overwhelmed by all I had yet to do.
But I also have paid attention the growing pile of issues I have put behind me. I have plenty of issues in front of me, but not the ones in this pile. I’ve cleared them out of the way, and now I can work on other issues that surface.
Even though it has been slow at times, I am making progress—and slow progress really is progress.
I figure that working on myself will always be a bit like pulling weeds. I’ll keep making progress, even if it is slow at times, and when I get overwhelmed by what is ahead, I can just look at the ever-growing pile of issues that are now behind me.
Aside from whether or not these sexual issues affect my marriage (most do, but some don’t), this continuing effort on my sexual issues is good for me and for my sense of being who God designed me to be.
Just a little bit at a time, I’m getting where I’m supposed to be. Maybe the same thing can happen for you, too.
Image credit | Chris Taylor
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I liked your analogy of working on yourself is like pulling weeds. I know my own sex life is like a garden if left unattended it will be a mess in no time. A little at a time with accepting yourself as a work in progress makes for alot happier life for us. As God is not finished yet. God bless you!
What if your husband doesn’t believe that slow progress is still progress? I’ve been doing a lot of mental processing about sex and have been making a very small effort to initiate here and there (though it’s often 1 step forward, 2 steps back). I’ve been pretty transparent about this with him. My husband, being upset from another rejection tonight, stated that I don’t try at all. I told him that I really am trying and that imperfect progress is still progress and he said “well that’s not enough.” I feel so inadequate and broken; I know I should be trying harder and working more at this, just to do what is so easy for others. But it’s so hard. What do you do when your husband doesn’t want the progress, but just wants perfect sex?
I’m sorry your husband isn’t seeing and appreciating your effort and progress. I have often heard from men who are tired of waiting for the process and just want to get to the hoped-for result. They don’t understand how disheartening that is for us when even one small step takes so much effort.
When my husband was like this, what I found helpful was to remind myself of several things. First, much of my very real progress was invisible to my husband because it was internal to me. He had no way of seeing progress, slow or otherwise. Second, he had a history of being rejected. Since “no” had been the pattern for so long, that had become the filter through which he saw everything. Third, I’d had a history of “I’m trying” without any follow-through. My husband had no reason to think this was any different. Finally, I tried to remember that my husband had been deeply hurt for many years by my resistance to sex. Everything he said about our sex life came from a place of pain.
Here is what I would like to suggest to you:
–Remember that he is speaking out of hurt. Keep doing the work, and feel good about making even slow progress–but also look for small ways that you can show him that your progress is beginning to make a difference.
–Share with him the specifics of *how* you are working on sex. What are you reading? What Bible verses are you using? How are you pursuing healing and truth? What are you praying about regarding your sex life? And share these things with him at times when you aren’t saying no to sex. Then it all sounds like an excuse. But in the morning over coffee, or when you are carrying out the trash together? Talking about it at those times might help him believe that you really are trying to think about and work on sex.
–Keep initiating sex, but maybe do so in a more obvious way than you have been. Women often initiate by hinting or snuggling, so try being more obvious about what you’re doing. Also, try to initiate more frequently than you have been.
–Pray for your husband’s heart, for him to heal from the pain of rejection and to grow closer to God.
Thank you so much for this. It’s so hard because I know how much I’m hurting him and it kills me. I’m trying to get to the bottom of this but have no clue what the root causes of my restricting are. I’m pleading with God to shed some light on what my mind and heart are so against and how I can work towards healing. But in the meantime, hearing your response makes me feel so much less alone. Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful message.
Although it can be helpful to know what the root is, sometimes we just can’t. Meanwhile, we can still be looking for small steps that help move us forward in thought and action. In fact, it may be that your efforts to DO are what help you understand what is going on, even in small ways. I remember several times when I tried to do something, only to come face-to-face with a thought I didn’t even know I had. The actions brought the thoughts to the surface so I could take them to God.
Kaylie, you are NOT alone in your struggles or in your search for healing. I will pray for you.
That is a really good point. Maybe action is some of the part I’m missing while I’m trying inwardly psychoanalyze myself. Thank you SO much for the prayers and insight