Of Garden, Fragrance, and Fruit


I’ve written several posts now for women who aren’t comfortable receiving oral sex. These posts have explored some of the common reasons women give for their discomfort with oral sex, our self-consciousness about the smell and taste, and what our husbands have to say about all this. (You can find links to the posts at the bottom of this article.)

Lots of husbands love giving their wives oral sex. Plenty of women enjoy receiving it—but what if you’re one of the ones who doesn’t? What do you do? What are some things you can do to get more comfortable with the idea and experience of being orally blessed by your husband?

I Want to Want To

Do you find yourself thinking, I don’t want to receive oral sex, but I think I want to want to receive it. But how do I change how I feel? Is there anything I can actually do to get more comfortable, or do I just need to lie back, grit my teeth, and wait until it’s over?

My advice isn’t so different from what I’ve said about getting comfortable being on the giving end of oral sex.

Commit to it. Decide to be intentional about learning to be comfortable receiving oral sex. Read or participate in online intimacy forums with other Christians, visit blogs by other Christian women, read what other women have to say about why they like receiving it, and talk to Christian women you know in real life. Commit to figuring it out so you can allow your husband to bless you (which blesses him right back).

Accept the beauty of your body. If you’ve avoided receiving oral sex because of your own self-consciousness, try to let that go. Your genitals are an amazing part of how God designed you. Their appearance and scent fascinate your husband. If your self-consciousness is related to other aspects of your body (like cellulite, stretch marks, or fat), then be reassured that your husband most likely won’t even notice those things while he’s busy—and if he does, he probably won’t care.

Remember that you are a sexual being. God designed you to receive sexual pleasure. After all, He did give you a clitoris! (See this Calm.Healthy.Sexy. post about how sex is for you and not just for your husband.) It is good for you to receive sexual pleasure, and it’s even okay that sometimes that sexual pleasure focuses just on you. In addition to providing you with sexual pleasure, giving their wives oral sex can be incredibly arousing for husbands—so if you aren’t ready to believe that it’s okay for you, you can always think about how great it will be for your husband. (But seriously, keep working on the idea that it’s good for you, too.)

Ready, Set, Get Blessed!

I often say that I’m the queen of baby steps, and it’s no different here. If you are committed to working on getting more comfortable receiving oral sex, it’s okay if it takes a while. It doesn’t have to be a full banquet right away.

Set the stage.

  • Talk with your husband. If he’s been asking you to let him perform oral sex on you, let him know that this is something that you intend to work on. Talk about your concerns and work together to figure out how to address them.
  • Think about lighting. Your husband will need to have some lighting in order to put his mouth in the right places. If you’re embarrassed about all the things your husband will be seeing, you can try soft lighting or candlelight at first.
  • Have some pillows ready to help you and your husband with different positions and angles. You may want to have your head propped up so you can see. Your husband may find it easier to work on things if your rear is raised, or maybe he’ll want a pillow to cushion his knees while he’s on the floor. Have some pillows handy just in case you need them.
  • Take a good shower or bath. You’ll feel more comfortable if you know your body is clean. Some husbands prefer their wives to have showered a couple hour prior to the big event so they smell like their natural scent rather than soap, but as you’re learning to be comfortable, it’s okay to get yourself clean in a way that allows you to relax.
  • Unless your husband wears a beard and mustache, ask him to shave his face right before your sexual encounter to minimize whiskers irritating the inside of your thighs and other delicate places.
  • Speaking of shaving, consider grooming your pubic hair if you think your husband would like that. Some men find that long pubic hair makes it harder to work with their tongues, so ask your husband what he would prefer. Likewise, know that if you have razor stubble from bikini shaving, this may be uncomfortable for your husband. Try to be smooth for the occasion.

Are you ready?

So now you’re committed to working on this, you’re clean, and it’s time to get busy. Now what? It isn’t like being committed and clean will automatically make it an easy experience, especially if you’ve resisted it in the past.

There are some things you and your husband can do to help you work up to comfort and enjoyment in receiving oral sex. Try these over a period of weeks or even months if necessary.

  • Try a slow approach. Plenty of women say that unless they’re fully aroused, oral sex is ticklish or irritating. Ask your husband to spend time kissing and caressing you in other ways for a while in order to get you fully aroused. Even once it’s time to approach your genitals, you might ask him to use only his hands for a while. If my husband starts before I’m ready, all I want to do is giggle from the non-sexual sensations. (P.S. It is okay to giggle during sex, as long as you aren’t giggling at him.)
  • Try different positions. You and your husband both need to be comfortable, so try variations of you both sitting, kneeling, standing, and so on. Some positions might give you very different sensations. For instance, if your husband approaches you from the foot end of your body, it might feel very different from if he is perpendicular and approaching you from the side.
  • Practice, practice, practice. Understand that it might take quite a few times before you’re comfortable with your husband giving you oral sex, and it might take just as long for you to get to a point where you truly enjoy it. Maybe you won’t get to a point of enjoyment at all, but you can’t know that your first few times.
  • Ask your husband to work up to it, maybe going just one tiny step further during each sexual encounter or by working on just one step each month. He can begin by using just his hands on your genitals while having his face up close, maybe with his cheek resting on your thigh. Once you’re comfortable with his presence there, he can try gently blowing across your vulva. Then, he can kiss and maybe lick your inner thighs, and next he can try gently kissing (by which I mean no tongue) you between your legs. Once you’re comfortable with that, he can add occasional licks. Over time, this should prepare you to be comfortable with more involved oral sex involving his tongue and lips.
  • It is important that your husband agree to go no further than the step you’re working on unless you specifically ask him to do more. Receiving oral sex requires trust—so part of this is about you learning to trust him in this area, and part is about him learning to pay close attention to your sexual response.
  • Pay attention to your body and mind. Notice which sensations you like the most, and let your husband know when he does those things. If you find yourself tensing, ask him to take a short break while you do some deep breathing and relax—and then make sure you let him know when you’re ready for him to resume his efforts.
  • Encourage your husband to think about sexual pleasure  as a journey rather than a destination. Although many women find that oral sex is the most reliable way to achieve orgasm, many couples use this as part of foreplay without orgasm.

Do I Have To?

What if you try all this and you still struggle?

I don’t think oral sex is absolutely necessary in a healthy marriage bed. It can accomplish important things, however, because in addition to providing unique physical sensations, it can also can build and communicate intimacy for both giver and receiver. That doesn’t mean it is the only way to build and communicate intimacy.

For my husband, because oral sex (both the giving and the receiving of it) requires my sexual and mental presence, part of what it communicates to him is that I’m fully in the moment with him. After my years of sexual disengagement, this is incredibly important in our marriage. However, there are ways I could communicate my engagement other than oral sex.

Still, oral sex is a unique and intimate experience, and I encourage you not to simply dismiss it without some serious consideration, prayer, and effort.

  • Try to understand why you don’t like it. Are you self-conscious? Do you really need to have your husband’s face close to yours in order to achieve orgasm? Does it tickle? Does it not “do it” for you? Does the thought make you sick? Why? There is a difference between not liking something and actively disliking it. If you think that you have an aversion to it or are afraid, try to figure out where this comes from.
  • Sometime when you’re alone with your thoughts, close your eyes and remember (or imagine) your husband saying to you that he wants to give you oral sex. What are your immediate thoughts and feelings? Do you just have a negative reaction and push the idea away? Try to understand what you’re thinking and feeling. Do you think that receiving oral sex says something about you that you don’t like? Is there something about your body or your husband’s presence in that particular area that bothers you? Is your negative reaction because your husband has been asking for it and agreeing to it feels like caving in? Imagine the experience of receiving oral sex. Are there negative outcomes that you fear?

Even if you have an aversion to receiving oral sex, or if you realize that you are experiencing fear, it is still something you can work on.

  1. Ask your husband if you can take it completely off the table for a limited time (six months to a year). During this time, he wouldn’t offer/ask at all. This is an important opportunity for him to strengthen your trust in him.
  2. Agree that you will use this time to actively work toward understanding your dislike and working hard at changing your views, and then be sure that you do just that. Pray for a change in your heart. Learn as much as you can about oral sex and other women’s experiences. Read what other women say about why they like it. Try to do some visualization when you’re alone, imagining yourself being relaxed and sexy and having your husband’s head between your legs. Visualize yourself asking for it. Take lots of deep breaths and see if that helps.
  3. Decide that if you do take it off the table, you are doing so only for a time. If your husband agrees to take it off the table for six months, then you should be the one to initiate a follow-up conversation about it at that time to report on your efforts and evaluate how to proceed from there.

I used to have a strong aversion to a couple sexual activities, and with time, learning, and a lot of visualizing combined with deep breaths, I was able to get myself to a point where I was ready to participate in these activities. Both of them became things that now give me great pleasure. I had to work hard to get to that point—but I did get there.

Orally Blessed

When your husband wants to give you oral sex, it is because he wants to give you a gift. He wants to connect with you with his whole self, with all five of his senses engaged. Allow yourself to accept your husband’s gift and sexual blessing.

I know this may not be an easy thing. I was extremely self-conscious about the appearance and aroma of my body, and I wasn’t comfortable having all the sexual focus on me. Even after I got comfortable with receiving when it was offered, it took a long time to get comfortable being able to ask for it. (Actually, that is something I am still working on. I can ask for it, but I’m not entirely comfortable with it yet.)

In Oral Blessings, I wrote this:

Selflessly giving my husband that pleasure, experiencing his responses, and knowing how much this act means to him emotionally as well as physically blesses me in return. It is when I am the most giving and selfless that I most feel myself to be the one God designed for my husband’s joy.

When I accept my husband’s oral blessings, I give him the gift of experiencing that same joy in selfless giving that I experience when I bless him. The giving and receiving entwine to become part of the intimacy that continues to bind us together.

Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere. Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits. Song of Solomon 4:16

Other Posts on Oral Sex for Her

Posts from other blogs

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5 Comments on “Of Garden, Fragrance, and Fruit”

  1. I’d like to share my opinion on this as a man, if I could.

    For us my wife didn’t really seem to enjoy oral sex. I would try to perform this on her sometimes but she would ask me not to or ask me to stop before very long. So I went and found the book “She Comes First” which is guide for doing cunninglingus. I told her I read the book and wanted to try some things on her, and since then this has been a very welcome and regular part of our marriage bed.

    So part of the aversion, if there is any, might simply be that his technique is off, and you might try encouraging him to learn that.

    1. That’s a great point. I think that some women give up because oral sex doesn’t bring them pleasure without giving their husbands a chance to work on technique. I’ve heard a lot of good recommendations for that particular book.

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