Perseverance and Getting Back on Track

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:2-5

When we’ve struggled with sex, the journey to address our issues and learn to enjoy sex with our husbands can be an arduous one.

We’re trying to change our thinking AND develop new habits AND unlearn old thoughts and habits
AND focus on our husbands AND embrace our own sexuality AND give our husbands a chance to heal and rebuild trust in us AND learn to be vulnerable AND be patient with ourselves and our husbands.

So. Many. Things.

All at the same time, too.

Life happens.

We might be doing great. We’re consistent and persistent with our compassion and our passion.

But then life happens.

We have an illness in the family. We hit crunch time at work. A usually low-key volunteer position at church suddenly becomes fraught with drama or stress. Health issues make sex more difficult or less enjoyable. One spouse is away for a couple weeks for a work trip. A child is visiting colleges or is studying for a college entrance exam. A fun project hits a glitch and requires extra time and effort. Our husbands hit a patch when their own health or stress dampens their sex drive and sex seems to be off everyone’s radar. The weather brings extra demands on time and attention. It’s tax season. Or planting season. Or harvest season.

Slowly, or maybe suddenly, we stop tending to our growth and our efforts in marriage. We slip into many of our habits from before. We’re having sex less often, or less mutually. We’re drifting apart outside the bedroom, too

One day we realize that it’s been weeks or even months since we’ve paid any attention to our sexual journey or to any kind of intimacy at all

Defeated? Not necessarily.

It’s easy to feel defeated.

Maybe I’ve gone as far as I can.

I could barely take the first step when I started working on sex. Now that I know how much work it is, I’m not sure I can take the first step to get back on track.

Is it even worth it? I can probably get back on track, but what’s going to happen next time life gets in the way? I’m just going to be starting over time after time after time.

I’m just too tired and worn out to do this.

Friends, I’ve experienced this “journey reset” so many times I’ve lost count. Life is not a nice, smooth, evenly-paced journey, after all.

In fact, I would guess that I go through this once or twice every year. Yes, even now, nearly a decade since I started the journey.

When I recognize that I haven’t been paying much attention to our intimacy, I allow myself to have a moment of disappointment or frustration with myself.

But I do NOT feel defeated.

My sexual journey is one of the many trials in my life, even as it is also one of my great joys.

Getting off the track is not a defeat. Getting stuck is not a defeat.

Staying off track or stuck? That’s the defeat.

To persevere is to resume the journey. To persevere is to prevail over the enemy.

Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:4

I’ve learned some things that help me get back on track.

Getting back on track is difficult sometimes. But it is less difficult than it was to begin the journey in the first place.

Here’s why:

That first step of getting back on track is never easy for me. It IS, however, easier than the first step I took when I began this journey. I remind myself that I survived the first first step, so I can survive my second first step, or my twelfth, or my twenty-seventh.
The steps I need to take are familiar. The first time around, I wasn’t just doing the work, I was also trying to figure out what it was I needed to be doing. Now it’s different. Once I remember to be intentional about sex, the steps are almost automatic. I can focus all my attention on the doing.
Every time I’ve had to resume the journey, I’ve learned something about myself or my husband. It makes the next time easier and more effective. It’s sort of like a video game. You might have one level where you keep dying, only to be sent back to a reset point. Each time you reset, the terrain is more familiar and you can make better decisions.
My previous success nurtures my confidence. I know I am not starting from point zero. I know that I’m not really starting over, because all that new growth to draw on. I’m not the same as I was when I took my first first step. I’ve done this before, and I know that I can do it again and do it better than last time.

It’s part of the journey.

Getting off track used to be very frustrating for me. I thought I was having to completely restart my journey.

When I recognize that I haven’t been tending to the sexual intimacy in our marriage, I take a deep breath and then get moving again.

Getting off track is simply part of my journey, and so is getting back on track.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. 2 Peter 1:5-7

Here are some of my posts about getting going again after you’ve gotten off track or stuck:

How do you persevere when you’ve gotten off track with your sexual journey?

Image credit | silviarita at pixabay.com