Am I an impostor? Here I am writing a blog about creating a strong Christian marriage by changing sexual attitudes and behaviors. Let me tell you a secret: I’m not there yet. There is no doubt that my marriage is the strongest it’s ever been. Nonetheless, I’m still on the journey, and I’m not even sure if I’m halfway there yet.
So many women have completed their wifely transformations, or maybe they started off as better wives in the first place. I’m still in the midst of my learning. Sure, I’ve made lots of changes, but it’s been a hard journey with lots of ups and downs and side trips. I’m happy with what I’ve done so far. But every time I turn around, I’m discovering something else I still need to work on. I’m still selfish. I don’t apologize easily. I am stubborn and strong-willed, and respect and submission are constant battles for me. My relationship with God isn’t what I want to to be, and I’m pretty sure it isn’t what He wants it to be, either.
In my first two posts here (The Pit of Refusal and Crawling out of the Pit), it sounds like I’ve made a nice little linear journey, with a cute little plan right up front and everything falling neatly into place. Living it, though, was anything but linear and neat and nice. It was hard, and messy, and incredibly lonely at times. And I had no idea how it was going to turn out. And it still is hard, messy, and lonely. And I still don’t know how it will turn out.
And maybe, a friend tells me, that is exactly why this might work. I’m just like so many other wives who need to make some changes–just a little bit further ahead in the journey. I’m close enough that I can reach back and hold a hand. I can remember. The old scripts and habits are still in me, and sometimes I have to work to rise above them. I’m not about to judge any wives who are just starting out on this journey to marriage recovery, because I’m still on that path and expect I will be for a while.
If I were writing as an expert on marriage, then, yeah, I’d be an impostor. But I’m here not as an expert but as a sister traveler on this road to sexual healing within Christian marriage.
Blessings on you….