Suffering from Sexual Tension

Sexual tension is a great plot device in movies and television. The pull of “Will they? Won’t they?” keeps viewers hooked, waiting to see what happens.

In my marriage, though, sexual tension wasn’t a great thing at all. In fact, it was horrible.

Tension, 24/7

During the years I avoided sex, sex was a source of constant tension in our marriage. It never let up.

I’ve written many posts about how my husband experienced my resistance to sex.

Big Guy felt deeply rejected by the one person who was supposed to accept him. He experienced little opportunity for emotional intimacy with his wife. He questioned his own worth, feeling unloved and unlovable. My sexual rejection of him was deeply personal and painful. (Read the contributions on this page for more insight.)

I regret the hurt I caused my devoted husband. I hate that I put him through what I did. My approach to sex was wrong and reflected a lot of sin in my own heart. At the time, all I understood was that I wasn’t in the mood and that I was afraid to be vulnerable with him for fear of more hurt feelings. I didn’t know then that I was wrong, nor did I understand how deeply Big Guy was hurting.

But that doesn’t mean that I didn’t suffer, too. The constant sexual tension was stressful and exhausting for me.

Every day, I knew my husband would indicate an interest in sex:

• “I don’t suppose there’s any chance of us having sex tonight, is there?”
• “Do you want to have sex?”
• “What I’d really rather do is have sex.”
• Or he would look, grab, or make sexual innuendos.

Being around my husband and his seemingly obsessive focus on sex made me tense. All. The. Time.

• I felt like I was always just waiting for his sexual bid to happen—the same sort of feeling as waiting for another shoe to drop.
• Even when I was kind of interested, I made sure I had an excuse ready, just in case he said something that made me feel hurt.
• When I would say no and feel guilty, I would either cave in (making me feel used or like I’d betrayed myself) or I would continue to feel guilty (which isn’t a good feeling).
• I felt broken. What was wrong with me that I didn’t want sex like I thought I was supposed to?
• I feared that something was fundamentally wrong with our marriage. Did my lack of interest in sex mean that I’d made the wrong decision in marrying him? Was there something broken in our relationship?

Sometimes we would stay up late and have an argument about our sex life. I never knew when that would happen, so I was always on edge. When we did have a sex argument, I didn’t sleep well and I was wiped out the next day.

I accused my husband of having sex on his mind constantly (as though that were a bad thing). Actually, though, I probably had sex on my mind just as much—not because I wanted it, but because I needed to be sure I didn’t hint at sexual interest or availability.

Constant small decisions throughout the day were shaped by my attitude about sex. I avoided my husband when I could. I waited until he left the room if I needed to bend over, as I didn’t want him to get any ideas. I waited to see where he would go in the house and then I would go do something in a different room. I tried not to wear revealing clothing around the house, for fear of making him think I was trying to send a message that I wanted to have sex. If I needed to talk with him, I would try to do so in the presence of our kids so he wouldn’t turn it into a conversation about sex.

Tension about sex spilled over into every other area of our relationship: how we parented our kids, who would mow the lawn, what TV shows we watched, and even what church we attended (or whether we would attend church at all). I rejoiced when my period would arrive. I had awful, painful, long-lasting periods—but I knew he would leave me alone for a few days. Without the threat of sex hovering over me, I was relaxed around him on those days. It was such a relief to not have to be on edge all the time.

We experienced health challenges, financial struggles, difficulty adjusting after a big move, and job changes—all of which are pretty stressful on their own. The constant sexual tension made all these things even harder to deal with.

When the Tension Disappeared

Working on sex was difficult for me. I needed to learn to respond to my husband differently. I had to replace negative feelings with God’s truth. I had to practice new behaviors. Working on sex required me to be courageous at times and to be loving even when I didn’t feel like it.

The first year was difficult—at first because I was learning new habits and then because my husband began to express his hurt and anger.

But even during this difficult first year of change, I saw one sure change in our marriage.

The sexual tension disappeared.

It was completely gone.

• I no longer dreaded my husband’s sexual bid, because I had decided to say yes—or because I had been the one to initiate myself.
• I didn’t need to craft an excuse.
• No more “no” meant no more guilt.
• Although I still wasn’t wanting sex like I thought I was supposed to, I no longer felt like a broken woman.
• My marriage didn’t feel as “off” as it had for years.
• We stopped having late-night arguments about sex.
• More sex helped me sleep better.
• I stopped having to make constant daily decisions in order to avoid sex. If I wanted to bend over, I no longer had to think about whether it was safe to do so. If I wanted to wear a low-cut top because I thought it looked nice on me or was comfortable, I could do so.
• I was more comfortable having private conversations with my husband, even about mundane things—and that helped build up some of the other areas of intimacy that had been lacking.
• Without the sexual tension spilling into the rest of our marriage, we could better address those areas in a mature manner.

It took far less energy to have sex than it had to avoid it. As hard as it was to do the hard work if addressing sex, it was easier than if expected because I wasn’t also carrying around the burden of constant sexual tension.

The First Visible Sign

As I look back on the growth in our marriage—and in myself—over the past few years, I have seen many benefits. I experience more intimacy with my husband, I’ve grown closer to God, I’ve wrestled with a lot of my own hurt and sin, I have a more joy-filled life, and I feel more loved than I ever did before.

In comparison to all that, the decrease in daily tension was a fairly small benefit—but it was it was a clear sign that I was on the right track. Big Guy and I both had much healing and much work to do—and it was possible because the major source of tension in our lives was gone.

It was the first visible sign of a change in our marriage.

As you began to work on sex, what was the first change you noticed?

Image credit | Christianpics.co

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