When I began to make changes in the area of sexual intimacy, it was all for my husband.
Big Guy was the one who wanted sex. He was the one who thought there as a problem. I did it for him. I thought the only thing I would get out of it was a less grouchy husband.
Oh, how wrong I was. God has made my marriage into one that continues to bless me.
A Difficult Season . . .
I’ve shared in a few posts that my husband and I are in a difficult season with a family member. While I can’t share much, I can say that we are dealing with mental illness that led to decisions that led to consequences. (Yeah, I know it sounds vague.)
I am pouring a lot out of me right now. I have become a chauffeur to get my loved one to appointments. There are days when it seems all will be well and other days when I don’t think my heart can take another five minutes. Most days it’s a little of both.
Friends ask me how I’m doing and it takes me five minutes to figure out how to answer. Yesterday a friend asked me how things were going and all I could come up with was “okayish.”
I am behind on everything—blogging, emails, housework, medical appointments, and work. It is a daily battle to not feel overwhelmed by it all.
Yet . . . I am experiencing something absolutely wonderful in my life.
My marriage.
. . . Yet a Season of Love
For almost twenty years, our marriage bed was cluttered with all sorts of stuff—premarital baggage from both of us, patterns of interaction that developed over years and took hold, and a whole lot of hurt on both sides. When I thought about our sex life, it was messy and mixed-up and far from pure and pristine. I felt like it was defiled
Now, however, in the midst of such a tough season, it is quite different.
The man who I used to think wanted me only for sex (and laundry and cooking) loves me so much.
His love for me shows up in so many ways. When I am having a particularly rough day, he goes to the grocery store on his way home from a full day at work, shops, comes home, and cooks us dinner—even if I’ve been home all day. He gets me my favorite cookies at the grocery store. He listens when I ramble through everything on my mind. He laughs when I make stupid jokes. He makes the coffee every morning so it is brewed before I wake up.
The most amazing thing to me is this: the thing that used to cause the most difficulty and disconnection in our marriage—sex—is now the greatest gift.
My husband gives me what I need in the way that I need. He is giving and selfless. Even when we hit occasional sexual misunderstandings, we are able to communicate about them in ways that lead to deeper intimacy. Words and actions that used to make me feel pressured to respond in certain ways now feel like a shower of blessings.
Big Guy’s love and affection for me is somehow distilled. In our bedroom (or wherever we happen to be) our relationship is cleansed of the many distractions we face.
~~~
It has taken over five years of effort to get to this point of experiencing sex as a blessing in the way that I do. I’ve changed my attitude, word, and actions, so I see things differently now. I’ve worked hard to deal with the emotional stuff that was piled up on my side of the bed. My husband has responded to my changes with some growth of his own, and his side is looking pretty good now, too. How we are together now is nothing like it was for the first two decades of our marriage.
Our marriage bed has become a sanctuary away from all that is going on in our life right now.
Completely decluttered of all that was making a mess of it, our marriage bed has become a place of shared sexual purity, where we are both renewed in the presence of God and each other.
With the clutter gone, everything else falls away. We have plenty of space to explore what sexual intimacy has to offer us. With a de-cluttered bed, it is just us and God.
It is the place where our marriage is most pure.
It is so, so good.
The Surprise of Sex
One of the great surprises in my life has been how God has turned a source of tension into such a source of intimacy and blessing.
During one of the most difficult seasons of my life, I am continuously cleansed and refreshed by the healing that can be found only in my Big Guy’s arms.
Sex. The thing that used to be all cluttered and draining and resentment-filled has now become the purest connection I have with my husband.
A Source of Blessing and Joy
I know how hard it can be to work on making changes in sexual intimacy, especially if your marriage bed has been cluttered by your own emotional hurt. Remember that the process of de-cluttering is the process of cleansing, of washing away.
As the marriage bed becomes cleansed—less sullied and more pure—it can become easier to experience the blessings God has poured into your marriage.
Let’s all pray for each other to know that the marriage bed can be a great source of blessing and joy for us as wives, even in the midst of difficulty.
Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled . . . Hebrews 13:4
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I've moved! While you can peruse the archives here, I am no longer posting at The Forgiven Wife.
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Ladies, if you're interested in joining me for a study of Juli Slattery's new book God, Sex, and Your Marriage, time is running out! Our study begins with introductions on February 26, 2023, but the study will be open to join until March 5.
Such a lovely, sweet testament. You are in my prayers.
Thank you. Prayer is what gets us through this.
Beautiful post. I treasure the testimony of this. Thank you for sharing your life.
Thank you for the comment. If others can benefit from the messes I’ve made, then I’m happy to share.
Wow, sometimes I feel or lives almost mirror each other. I found this blog in the very beginning of it. My husband was at a loss as how to fix our sex life, then I found this. I read it everyday and it seemed to mirror what we were going through. Things got great between us. There have been times I haven’t kept up daily with your blog but every time I pick it up again it still follows our journey. I read this particular day and BOOM, it mirrors me again! I have a child going through a difficult and heart breaking time. After a year of trying to help and getting her help we have had to cut it all off. But the greatest blessing through all of this has been the great relationship my husband and I now finally have after 30 years of marriage. I want you to know that you have been a tremendous help to us. We could not survive this heartbreaking time without our great relationship. Please know how much what you do helps. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
I’m so sorry about your daughter. That sounds similar to what we are going through, and although we don’t expect that it will involve a cutting off, that is one possible end of the path in front of us. You are so right about what a difference the marriage relationship makes in dealing with difficult things like this. I told my husband today that there is no way I would be able to navigate this without him by my side.
Thank you for your encouragement. I am so glad that this blog has been helpful in your marriage.
What hope you give to those of us taking first steps to renew a tired marriage. Such hope. Thank you and praying for your family situation. Thank God for each other!